UNO

It’s been one month and six days since we started ‘talking’. Every time I reread our endless conversations, I can’t help but think, ‘wala lang ba talaga yon?’ Did I just assume? Was I a victim of ‘nafall pero di sinalo?’ Or tanga lang talaga ako?

For a month, I was excited to wake up because of your good morning messages. (You really made my mornings great) I was dreading sleep so I could just talk to you, but you made it seem okay with all your ‘goodnights’ and ‘sleep na po tayo’.

From all the ‘po’ and ‘opo’s to the ‘kumain ka na?’ ‘Gawa mo po?’ I thought finally! A chance at love!

Our phone conversations that lasts up to 4 AM got me thinking like, ‘wala pa ba to?’ Or ‘ito na to?’

But when November came, humabol yung puso ko sa araw ng mga patay. You became cold, and all the sweetness went bitter. I asked you why were you acting like that. You told me that you weren’t in the mood because November 1 was your monthsary.

Ahh si ex. I remembered, di ka pa nga pala nakakamove on— But you told me you were distracted because we were talking. Nagassume nga lang talaga siguro ko.

Now that I think about it, it’s all my fault. I know you still love your ex, but the fool that I am, I was willing to be your rebound. I said to myself “hey, maybe I could help you forget your ex. Maybe I could change you, and be the sunshine you need?”

ASEAN came, and I thought maybe this is our chance to fix it. But you just became colder. I became whiny. I asked why you weren’t answering my messages the way you used to. I kept on wondering, are you just busy? Or you got tired of me? I was really hurt.

Then one Thursday, I don’t know what got in to me but I was feeling straight forward. I asked you *through snapchat of course* if do you talk like these to your friends. You answered me yes. I laughed it off and told you that I thought we had something, and now I understand that we don’t.

You told me you’re sorry.

I told you it’s okay.

Even if it’s not.

You told me you were guilty.

I told you not to think about it. I don’t want you stressing yourself over anxieties ever again.

I know you are anxious and prone to depression. I know you have suicidal tendencies. But I loved you and hoped that because of me, you’ll get better.

I’ve mistaken my palpitations and troubles in breathing for asthma. Now i’ve realized, hindi ako binalikan ng asthma. Iniwan mo lang ako.

Iniwan mo ako... kahit hindi tayo.. possible pala yon?

It’s my first time to undergo a heartbreak. And I must say, it’s harder to break up with someone you’ve never been with because you have to let go of all the what ifs.

What if ‘we’ happened?

What if I confessed before things got hazy?

What if I met you earlier?

What if I met you before you met ex?

What if you loved me back?

What if you said I was special?

What if you loved me too?

Letting go of what ifs means letting go of delusions. Delusions of what we could’ve been. I need to face reality that you and me will never happen. I need to put constraints. I need to respect myself. I need to get myself back.

It’s really hard to love someone who can’t love you back, who can’t reciprocate the affection you give them. It makes you wonder, ‘ganon ba ko kahirap mahalin?’ ‘Siguro wala nang magmamahal sakin’ ‘Bakit lagi na lang ako yung second option?’

But I’d like to thank you. During the month of our talking, i’ve realized that ideals and types don’t matter. If you love someone, you’ll accept every flaw and understand every mistake

The end of this post marks the end of my ‘umaasa-na-may-milagro-at-babalik-sa-dati-stage.’ It took me another 21 days to finish this post, everyday hoping that i’ll delete this because you’ll come back. But I guess I’d been waiting in vain. Nothing changed. You’re just there when you need me, but when I needed you, you’ll always find an excuse to back down.

Papabasa ko sayo to once I’ve moved on. Bye E! I still love you but I need to stop hurting myself.