unlikeable-me

I still get turned on, thinking about the times we made love.

There are no seconds you left my mind.

I still love you so much. I still wanted us so much. But I was so physically and mentally drained from everything life demanded of me that I didn’t have the strength left to fight for us. I never stopped loving you. I was just too exhausted from life that I couldn’t fight for us the way you deserved.

I’m letting you go now, but that doesn’t erase how deeply I loved you, more than I ever thought I was capable of. I just hope you know I’ll never forget the love and the memories we shared.

You know what hits me hard, that I won't be able to see you anymore.

I don't want to give myself easily. I don't want to accommodate anyone or adjust myself for them. I should think for myself first. I've lost all of my confidence

No matter how much I try, my eyes feels so heavy.

I feel so disgusting like a creepy stalker fighting to keep our relationship going. I'm so stupid not to realize until now that you don't want me anymore and that I wished I shouldn't have done these things to reach you. I'm so pathetic, and yes, I asked for this break up.

We're supposed to be happy with each other's arms right now but I said what I shouldn't have said and now we're broken.

I've tried multiple times, I have tried so hard but I realize now it didn't happen because it's not for me. No matter how much effort I do if it wasn't for me it would never happen. I've seen it in my own eyes, how destiny works. If things are for you everything will fall in the right place for you. And now I think I'm not in the right direction in my life or I guess my destiny and choices in life doesn't align.

I have so many priorities and i couldn't focus to one. Because of that I felt like I haven't finished anything.

I'm so burnout. I'm so pressured with everyone, I always have tasks that I have to follow instructions from everyone. Whether it's work or personal, the list never ends. I feel exhausted and in debt. 😖

It's not even 3 months that I'm living with my parents but it's already making me feel incredibly frustrated. Should I just stop caring about everything? Because any kind of communication is not working. I'm having heavy hearts again. The only way I see we can find peace is if I remove myself in this equation.

The main reason, I always wish to die already is because I always get in an argument with my parents especially with my father and whenever it happens, I need or I have to shout at them (I'm well aware that I'm being so disrespectful) because speaking with them calmly doesn't make them listen (even shouting doesn't make my father listen). Last night it happened again, and my heart is physically hurting because I get so emotional and I thought I should just be gone and leave them, so this disrespectful stupid human (me) won't say anything or "scold" them anymore. It is also one of the reasons why I chose to move out before, one day when I'm ready, I'll have to do that again. It's not being selfish but it's about choosing peace.

I'm scared. It's so petty that I often wish death would come to me instantly just because I want to escape my problems. I'm scared and worried that what if time comes I don't find solutions to our problems. I can take responsibility for messing up my own life but not my whole family. I'm the one who manages everything. To tell you the truth, I did all to understand and made my best decision for everything but because of too many things on my plate I feel like my brain is not working anymore especially when talking to all these business people. Too many people and things to deal with. Too many people are talking to me at the same time for different things. I can't think clearly anymore. I'm just scared, what if I missed something. I'm losing confidence in myself, with my judgement and everything. There would be days, that I feel so unmotivated, just scrolling through my phone with these thoughts at the back of my mind, consuming all my energy and feeling so worried. I just wish everything goes into plan or at least I wish the situation gets better, so I'm safe.