Work In Progress

So...

It's been a while.

I feel sad looking back on some of those posts but also good as sometimes I wonder if I made it up but I guess I didn't.

I don't think I've made much progress really. I still have the same thought patterns and beliefs.

I'm not sure if I need to change therapist.

I think the blame is with me really, she has given me lots of things to work on but I have just not done it.

I don't know where to go from here.

Until Megan is in a better situation financially I can't leave. Or unless I somehow magically started earning double what I'm earning now...

How can I make this work? Who can help me?

Silia has chronic pain so she isn't able to exercise.

Jessie is, but she hasn't reached out in a while, so maybe the time frames won't work.

Lauren is in the states, the time difference is just too much.

Kyle is a good friend but isn't going to fill this role.

Everyone has other things going on that are more important.

I need someone who will put me first.

Moving home might be better for me, but I don't want to miss out on BSL class. Perhaps if I can hold out till the summer, and then I could spend a month or so there?

But that's 4 months away. What can I do now?

I keep setting myself up for failure.

I need to change how my mind works in order to succeed at most things.

Monday:

I went for a run I marked all of the exams I cooked dinner I made breakfast for the next day Tuesday:

not a day goes by that it doesn’t come into my head

and I can’t helping wishing I was dead

When will the sickness end

If I get another positive

I’ll give in

Sell up

Pack up

Write the letter and go

It’s so hard doing this on your own

No one understands

Because they weren’t there so they’ll never really know

no matter how many times I try to ecplain

I leave bits out to keep me sane

but when all is said and done I know what happened

and it haunts me

Everyday I check the corridors before I enter my flat

Everyday I catch myself double checking that a stranger is in fact a stranger and it isn’t you

And now I’m not sure if its just simple anxiety and depression

maybe I’m manic

or bipolar

because the highs are so uncommon and they’re impossible to maintain for more than an hour

one sentence can take me from laughing to nothingness

blanking everything out

fading out

blurring out

everything

as a plunge into the darkness and think of how I can be anywhere but here

how selfish to wish away a life so many would kill for

but I guess we are a product of our time and of our upbringing.

how do I keep going on when everything has turned sour

and everything brings stress and pain

and joy is seeing a dog in the street

how did I get here

the tears tumble down my cheeks these days

in public

walking

on the metro

they pour and my face flushes

along with the hair

it all stands out and draws attention to me and I hate it but I don’t care enough to make it stop

I can’t make it stop

It is desperate to come out

sometimes these deep sobs come out

it sounds like in the films when someones child dies.

Maybe this is all happening for a reason

and by dying I would open up a space in the universe for a brighter star

It would have to look like an accident

It would have to happen so that no one was harmed in the process

maybe that’s not possible

they’ll be mad either way, whether it’s self inflicted or not

I lie white in a white room with white walls and a white door and a white lamp and white sheets and white covers and a white framed mirror and the only dark thing is the coat stand in the corner tall slender strong it reminds me of how boring life is without colour

at what point do you look at life and say that’s it I am happy now I am content with this way of life with my decisions my actions my situations myself

where is the blue box? take me to it and take me to that place that point I’m tired of waiting

how can something be so good yet cause so much destruction

a peca sits just above my cheeks I used to think it was unique, or inviting but at some point it changed form a lunar sits in its place and I am not sure how that really looks or feels for them and I am not sure if I should get it checked

what does it feel like to spread your wings to soar over canyons to breathe through gills to glide across oceans to walk on four legs to gallop through fields to live life as expected

I know that I still have time and that there’s no rush but I want to do what I love now but there’s this barrier in the way and now I feel like I made all the wrong decisions and am I even good at what I love how can I become better become good enough for success without leaving my love beind

how do you become a better person?

how do you explain what you need without scaring them away

?

what is it about you that from afar I’m not interested or particularly bothered I’m not jumping for joy but when you step into my bubble I feel light and full of the desire to hold you what does that say about me I wonder?

what kind of God brings a man into your life who doesn’t assume that he will give you your first orgasm with his natural talent alone who spends time researching what he can do to conquer the maze between your legs what the two of you can do to reach a mutual state of ecstacy

and takes him away moments later.

maybe she needed him more than me but to bring me so close to having a sexual partner with a real interest in mining for gold instead of just trying the latest porno pose... what kind of God

At what point did I stop being able to assert myself? or is this a skill I’ve never had? How does one go about changing the life habit of succumbing to pressure and wallowing in self pity?

How does one learn how to trust one’s feelings and opinions and express them eloquently enough to have the desired effect?