All I crave is distance

It’s like there’s a sudden urgency, and I think there’s no chance

I’m still afraid

What will you say if I tell you I’m afraid?

It’s not for lack of trying

This wall I fight so hard to knock down rebuilds itself the second I start to feel this way

These thoughts that rage in my mind never cease

The timer to 21 counts down and I can feel in my bones what’s coming

I stand there blindsided by the emotions that fill me

But when each moment passes i suddenly remember how to speak

The words that couldn’t find their footing land heavily with regret

The sound of regret is something that will never leave my head,

It fills the moments I wish I knew what needed to be said

The moments where it mattered most but I let it slip away

Not out of carelessness or intentionality

The feeling of my skin tearing

It feels like I’m folding into myself and these thoughts that contain me

I don’t know what to say or think I get trapped in a moment that never really existed

It feels so cowardly to think this way, there are so many people that have tried to show me their way. It’s not that I don’t understand, I do. I really do. But it feels like a false promise because I know in the end what I’m going to do and it’s only a matter of time

Among all my books and notes there’s nothing I can truly use

I can’t describe this feeling that washes over me like a wave

It’s something that boils up inside me never leaving, it always stays.

Sitting in my bed I’m not sure what to do

I know what my heart wants but is it the truth?

I feel desolate and empty

There’s really no way to describe this feeling

The scars that come and never leave

Are a reminder of who I am, who I used to be

…

You’re the moon on a dark cold night

I want to follow you but I’m afraid

Because ive never been the type to stay

Once you see what hiding in my abyss

I’m afraid you’ll know that I was never the one you’d miss

…

Sitting in my bed I contemplate