sweetness in sadness

living with borderline personality disorder isn’t the easiest. it causes to me to be impulsive. i have no sense of stable identity and my feelings towards people are constantly changing. oh that person is nice to you? I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY’RE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME *one second later* i hate them they’re the worst i want to isolate myself. i’m like a fucking baby i need constant attention and validation or i’ll feel abandoned or rejected. it also causes me to be obsessive. dyed your hair red? OMG IT’S MY IDENTITY RED IS MY NEW FAV COLOUR BUY EVERYTHING IN RED LET’S GIVE YOUR NEW CRUSH THE CODENAME RED. when im dissociating, i can’t differentiate between what’s real or not. i’m constantly plagued with paranoid thoughts that people are out there to harm me and sometimes i hear voices in my head calling out my name. i constantly feel chronic emptiness. bored? here you go feel some chronic emptiness. i fucking hate that im constantly anxious about being abandoned or rejected. i’m so so so scared of being abandoned that i can’t get out of toxic relationships. i’m constantly jumping from one extreme to another. and here you go let’s constantly plague ur mind with suicidal thoughts!!! oh let’s not forget that it causes me to hate myself. accidentally said something wrong? *gets a mood swing and drowns into self loath* my mood is constantly swinging and man i just want to wake up one day feeling stable. i want to be able to recognise the face that stares back at me in the mirror. i want to be able to have self control. i want to be able to be able to feel love without having to beg it from someone else. it’s a constant war in my head. it’s so chaotic. i hate bpd. i hate it hate it.