a c t & feel.

Being part of a revolutionary new play was exactly the type of adventure Irene was looking for when she ran away from home. She was tired of the same city, where she knew every corner and nothing was a surprise anymore. She was tired of the expectations placed on her by her dad, who was a reputed high school principal, and her mom, who was a research scientist known around the state of Illinois. Irene knew she was destined for a great future — however, not the type her parents pictured. Above everything, she wanted adventure. She didn’t want to limit herself by deciding on a career path she wasn’t sure about. She needed to explore, but she knew her parents wouldn’t allow her the liberty necessary to achieve what she set her mind to. She left them a letter explaining what she wished, and told them not to bother looking for her. She would come back whenever she would decide on settling down, but until then, searching for her would be useless. She wouldn’t stay in one place. Five months had passed since she left, and not once did she regret her decision. Auditioning for the play was another decision she made because of her life purpose of not letting opportunities pass by. She didn’t know if she wanted to become an actress, but she would try. She didn’t expect to get the role, but she didn’t complain when she did. She was excited to discover where the new project would bring her. 

Showing up to the first day of rehearsals, Irene was in awe with the atmosphere. The theater was filled with passionate people, and she couldn’t feel prouder to participate in the project. While she was waiting for her counterpart to show up, she discussed details of the first act with the director of the play. Irene was aware that she was chosen because of her talent and the way she embodied the character, but she still needed more clarification. She didn’t want to disappoint. Hearing the door open, she didn’t pay much attention to the new arrival — until she heard her voice. Turning towards Mari, she was surprised to see she had cut her hair. A smile appeared on her lips. The hairstyle suited her. Hearing her inquiry, she looked towards Marie, who repeated what she told her earlier. They would start with the first two scenes of the first act, discussing improvements as they went. Another smile appeared on her lips instinctively as she considered Mari. “You girls should get to know each other while I’ll go check if everyone is ready,” Marie said, leaving as soon as Irene nodded her head. “Come on, girlfriend.” The smile hadn’t left Irene’s lips as she headed towards the bench placed in the middle of the scene. Although that would have normally brought too much attention to them, everyone was too focused on what they had to do to care about them. Sitting down, she stared at Mari. “The new hairstyle looks great on you,” she said. That wasn’t what she meant to say, though. She didn’t know why she didn’t voice her thoughts, which was why she rectified the compliment. “You look beautiful.” Offering her a smile, she considered what Marie asked. They needed to know each other better before they started acting as if they were girlfriends. “Why were you late today?” Irene felt as if that was a good place to start with. 

Nodding a little, Mari tucked the information away in a corner of her mind, silently hoping she wouldn’t embarrass herself later by forgetting any of her lines. Ever since she could remember, she had this habit of being too hard on herself and trying to be the most amazing version of herself. It was all based on paranoia, convinced due to folklore and what her parents told her, that once you show any weakness you’d be replaced by someone who can do your job better. That’s probably why she usually stuck to what she knew, instead of going out of her way and try a new hobby to see if she was any good at it. In that sense, she might have to thank her ex-boyfriend that she was here now. Well, she might if it wasn’t going to blow up in her face and embarrass her. Mari could immediately feel her nerves rising once Marie told them to get to know each other, but she easily covered up those feelings with a bright smile and instead followed Irene towards the bench. Desperately hoping her expression wasn’t giving away how flustered she felt after Irene referred her as girlfriend, most definitely due to the relationship of their characters, she reminded herself internally, Mari sat down close to the other girl. Their eyes meet easily, although Mari soon began to shift underneath, almost unconsciously. One might think she was used to people’s gaze on her, but something about Irene was different. Maybe because it nearly felt intimate. They didn’t even really know each other, yet around her, Mari felt her resolve to crumble, almost against her will.

Once Irene mentioned her hairstyle, Mari intuitively reached out for the strands of blond hair, as if she has forgotten that she cut them. “Oh.” The word escaped her in surprise, her lips tugging in a small smile. “Thanks.” Mari obviously knew that other people would notice, but she had doubted she would get any genuine compliments for it. It had been an impulsive decision after scrolling through the photos of her ex on Instagram and suddenly stumbling across the quote: he liked her with her hair long, so she cut it short. One moment she was in her bed and the next she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, the scissors in one hand, while the other had her hair. The next day she obviously went to get it properly done, but it was still the opposite from her once long, straight and neatly cut hair. For the first time in about three years, she wanted to do something for herself, not for her family or her career ambitions. Hearing that she looked beautiful like this, well, it was huge. Fighting the heat to rise to her cheeks and actually full-out blush, because of a simple compliment, she briefly ducked her head and laugh. “So are you,” Mari responded, daring another glance at Irene. What was it about her? Why was she so kind and made her feel like she could just lean on her, despite knowing each other for just a few weeks? For a silent moment, Mari debated internally how she should respond to Irene’s question about her delayed arrival, before eventually responding. “Stage fright. It’s probably a little too early in the game to already get nervous, but this is my first time performing in front of a crowd of people, even when it’s just the crew.” Mari shrugged briefly. “I’m afraid they’ll fire me after today. Once they realize I’m not actually as good of an acress as the day I auditioned.”

Upon discovering the person who had entered the theater, Marie’s first instinct was to smile. She had met the whole team in the first few days, and while she managed to grasp the personality of some of them, there were some she didn’t have more than one conversation with. Odessa was part of the second category. Marie had gotten enough time to have her first impression of the people she would work with for the following year and she had noticed how quiet the one in front of her was. She was glad to hear her voice again. “It’s alright,” Marie assured her. “I was stuck in my own mind, it’s not really your fault.” Listening to her answer, she nodded her head in acknowledgment. The words further confirmed another characteristic she observed about her — she was hard-working. “I appreciate your initiative — and I second that. Even if it’s that early in the rehearsals, the sooner we pay attention to the details the better.” She didn’t tell her, but part of the reason she was such a perfectionist was because she needed to prove people what she was capable of. Not only to her ex fiance, but to her parents too. They believed she was wrong for taking on the play, and Marie refused to believe them. She would prove them she made the right choice. 

A smile appeared on her features as she heard her question. “Yeah, I prefer to be here before anyone else. Helps me think of possible improvements,” although that was part of the truth, it wasn’t everything. Ever since she broke up with her fiance, she attempted to occupy most of her time. She hated how lonely she felt in her new apartment, when she should have been sharing her life with the one she loved. She didn’t regret her decision, but loneliness had a certain way of feeling like she was to blame for her situation. She wasn’t good enough, which was why he cheated on her. She didn’t forgive him, which was why she was alone. She knew she wasn’t as fault. She couldn’t have done anything to prevent him from sleeping with someone else, but her perspective changed when she was sad — which explained why she avoided those thoughts whenever she could. “How are you feeling about the project so far? Everything going well?” The question was spoken regarding what she had observed in the past days. She knew some people had more difficulties fitting in with a new group than she did, and she wanted to make sure everyone felt included. Marie strongly believed working together and getting along with each other was important. 

Odessa nodded somewhat stiffly, wondering if there was some kind of standard response you said during these explanation bits. Maybe she wouldn’t feel so awkward if she knew exactly what the right thing to say was, but that way of thinking only led into a dead end. Computers certainly were easier to understand than any human being. Though she did have a feeling that she would get along better with others if life happened to be a musical. While she wasn’t exactly a singer or god forbid, a dancer, she understood music. The emotions she felt while listening to someone else explain their life to her felt reachable and real, more than a regular conversation ever did. Sadly she lived in a regular society, a place where people frowned at you once you started singing a song to explain how you feel. For her parents, thinking singing was better communication than just talking had been just another sign that their daughter was odd. Someone that didn’t truly belong in their family, who didn’t belong anywhere if she didn’t start adjusting to what people expected of her as a woman. What they didn’t put into consideration was that she didn’t really care if people considered her odd. At the end of the day, she was still successful working on self regulating lamps, wearing massive headphones. What did popularity matter then? Absolutely nothing. Though that didn’t mean she wasn’t willing to try for those who are kind to her. People like Marie. “Yeah, that’s what I thought as well. I’m glad that you agree.” She said the hint of a smile curling up her lips.

Crossing her arms in front of her chest absentmindedly, she considered Marie’s response. It surprised her, even though she didn’t let it show. It wasn’t that it puzzled her that the other was capable and hard-working, obviously, though it was exactly what would be interpreted from her expression if she didn’t conceal it. What actually amazed Odessa was the simple revelation that she related to Marie’s work ethics. Even when everything worked perfectly, Odessa could never shut her mind off from working out a possible way to improve it further. Something about perfection never seemed quite enough to her. If you aim for the stars and reach them, it didn’t mean you should settle for them. Instead, you should push yourself to go beyond perfection, even if it seemingly unrealistic. Everything can be improved, can be better than it was before, whether it’s technology or a play. Feeling her smile grow a little wider, she dropped her arms to her side as she approached Marie carefully. “I understand.” She hummed in agreement, her new positive feelings influencing her mood enough to not consider her words for longer than a brief moment, before replying to Marie’s question. “I enjoy it. I haven’t worked with a lot of people before, but those I’ve talked to are really nice and competent. I believe in the project and hope that it helps young LGBT youth as well.” She explained, voice gentle, but laced with a certain fierceness underneath.

Firmly pushing the memories out of her head, she let out a long sigh. It was silly to still be hung up on it. She just... needed to get on with her life. Move on. What kind of badass was she when she was still mourning a terrible relationship? She has already cut her hair to a bob cut. Now it was time to embrace her new life. Licking her lips and drawing in a deep breath, Mari hesitated briefly before pushing the doors open and heading walking right ahead. She ignored the looks of everyone, those who are staring at her because she was late or because she looked so different after she got rid of her long, straight hair. Instead, she kept her gaze on Irene and Marie at the center of the stage. “Sorry that I’m late. Won’t happen again.” Mari spoke clearly, devoid of any emotion but a certain fierceness. “I remember us talking about today being about getting a feel of our characters and their relationship, right? Practicing a few scenes, analyzing, discussing. Where do we want to start?” She asked before finally turning to Irene and instinctively feeling a small smile curling up her lips. Mari couldn’t really explain it, but looking at her just kind of made her feel a little better. She had no idea as to why, but it made all of it so much easier and she was glad for it.

Marie had arrived at the theater earlier for the third day in a row. Since rehearsals started, she had decided she would be there first at least for the first month. She still had trouble wrapping her mind around the fact that she would be part of the project. Each time she passed the doors of the room they were rehearsing in, she was in awe with her surroundings. The grandiose room was hinting at the production’s greatness. Marie walked the path to the scene with a smile on her face, thinking of the day waiting for her. Part of the reason she was hired as the director was her passion for the story — and the feeling showed with each rehearsal. She recalled the moment she read the script she knew the story was nothing like the ones she had witnessed before. Solely for the fact the romance involved two girls, the play was more unique than the ones taking place all across the world — Marie knew she needed to be part of the production. She had worked on her interview for weeks before she revealed her vision to the hiring team and the playwright. Despite how much she attempted to not get her hopes up in case she didn’t get the job, her attachment to the story could already be sensed back then. Her ideas were endless and she was determined to make the play live up to the hype. The day she received the confirmation she was accepted was one of the best of her life.  

The play was more important than all of the ones she had worked on in the past. While she was nervous, Marie didn’t let her mind wander to the doubts and insecurities. She knew she was capable of making the best version of the script there would be. Marie would make sure the play would be the critics’ main attention, as well as assure the impact would last for at least a year — and at the rate the play was getting attention, she had no doubts she would achieve what she set her mind to. Sitting down on the stairs leading to the scene, she regarded the seats, imagining how she would feel when people would fill them. One inevitable question appeared inside her mind — would he be there? She immediately felt disappointed with herself for thinking of the person she was trying to move on from. Although she wasn’t sorry about breaking up with him, she couldn’t prevent her mind from thinking of him. Not when his words still resonated in her head. “You’ll never become the one you dream of.” Although there were other hurtful words he had said when she broke out with him, those were the ones she remembered. She would prove him wrong. Hearing footsteps approaching her, she jumped out of her mind, confusion replacing her thoughts instead. “Good morning,” she greeted the person. “You know rehearsals are in an hour, right?” 

Odessa had always been an early bird. When she was still living with her family who tried to limit her in any possible way, she got up hours before the sun would rise to work on the computer or her own little inventions. As long as she could actually remember, she had been obsessed with technology. Everything new that came on the market had a way of capturing her attention and leaving her to explore it to the best of her ability. Maybe it had something to do with the way her family belittled her interests and claimed that girls couldn’t do that because technical stuff is for boys. However she was always intrigued how these things worked, putting it apart and then building it together before using it like she was the one invented it. Odessa was proud to have found something she was truly skilled at and soon her family felt less and less like family and more like friends of her actual parents. To this day she wasn’t always taken serious for her talent, but she blocked out their voices like she didn’t hear them. Often enough she just put on her biggest headphones and drowned out the noise of the world. Odessa was the one who got the last laugh after all --- she got hired to be the technical manager of a newly anticipated play and she would show them all.

However as something broke during yesterday’s rehearsals, Odessa didn’t wait around the theater until it was time like usually and instead went in. She might be an hour early, but she didn’t really expect anyone to be here anyways. Listening to one of the new songs on the radio currently, she startled as her eyes settled on Marie’s figure. She could see that her lips were moving, so she quickly pulled off her headphones and gave the director of the play a faint smile. They hardly ever talked, for one because they just started with rehearsals and also because Odessa rarely talked in general. It felt like whenever she started to open up about herself people sneered about her high intelligence and her interest in technology or she feared they would rather want her to play an acting part in the play if she mentioned it. She wasn’t an actress. And nobody seemed to really understand that she wasn’t just quiet, there was a lot thoughts going through her head. “Sorry for sneaking up on you.” She finally interrupted her own thoughts. “There was a small issue yesterday that I still need to fix. It’s not a big deal or anything like that, but I hardly want to forget about it until we actually need it.” Pausing, Odessa shifted her weight from one feet to the other slightly, trying to ignore the music that still softly filled the air. “I bet I’m not even suppose to be around given that technical things happen way later in the game, but I rather be prepared. Show some of the newbies how they work in their specific area. That stuff.” Rubbing her arm awkwardly, she coughed a little. How do people do the whole small talk business again? “Are you always this early?”