Was it something I said?

It is now T Plus a lot of days since son D departed on his adventures.

He backpacked around Spain, Portugal and Columbia.

There was good and bad, rough and smooth.

There was a lot of rain.

There was one attempted mugging, a great deal of delicious cuisine, an unexpected river crossing, a moped ride into the desert and a lot of miles covered.

He went and tried out what he'd always wanted to do.

He actually took my advice (not common).

"Go, enjoy the adventure, do what you want to do. But, if the day comes when you're not enjoying it any more, or if you don't feel safe, no matter what you haven't seen or have already booked, either move on or just come home."

He did. Come home.

He missed his 'not girlfriend' more than he expected. (She's his girlfriend proper now.) Missed not having the structure of a working day. Got offered a good job.

All that anguish and worry. Kids!

Just grateful someone up there was looking out for him.

But... daughter K is flying on the 1 August...

T minus...

In the meantime, we were busy, practicing our empty nest lifestyle. Photos.

Spring sunshine with hubby, latte and a smoked salmon salad - oh, and some gorgeous cherry blossom in the garden.

Find some beauty in 'everyday' and every day 👌

Take care out there

M

So... One week later.

Things are different. Not unexpected because I didn't know quite what to expect.

Of course daughter K is still here in the daytime for work for the next couple of months, before she too departs for faraway lands.

The evenings have been quiet!

At first I just felt exhausted - did short days at work, slept a lot. But life must go on.

Coping strategy - We've kept busy.

We've reorganised a few things (rooms, cupboards, the fridge), taken some stuff to the tip.

We've gone out - a lot. We've walked, we've talked to strangers, we've drunk coffee and a beer or two, sometimes with said strangers. The dogs are really tired!

Son D is travelling around Spain at the moment. A mate from school is with him for the first couple of weeks, and he's an instagrammer, so there's lots of pictures which makes it easier 😊

My picture of the day was taken at today's visit to a car show, where we shared a coffee☕ stall table with some fellow empty-nesters! They're keeping busy too!

Take care out there

T Plus 6 hrs and 18m

Images from this morning:

A beautiful, sunny, spring morning. Apple blossom and pansies and daffodils.

A last, griddle-cooked breakfast of local sausage for D.

Photos.

Hugs for his sister, although she 'did a runner' after 😁 blaming us all for her tears! The minx!

Farewells to his Dad and the dogs.

Driving D to the station, just me and him, just like it all started so long ago. Everything looking sunny and perfect, just the way he wanted to remember it.

Big, warm hugs.

Waved him off on the train.

Didn't cry properly until he was out of sight.

Love him so much.

So excited for him, but so painful for us all.

I was just going to post "words aren't enough". In some ways, that's so true. But there are always words if you try hard enough, even though they may seem inadequate.

Took a positive stance and took hubby and the dogs out for a walk and a cuppa. Pulled like huskies in a race - little ***** so my back is sore now, but that's OK. Not the worst way to start T Plus...

Photo of the day is Cockapoo 1 and Cockapoo 2, surrounded by the debris of family life and working from home, at D's last breakfast before departure.

Take care out there

T Minus 1

I'm okay. Really, I am.

Apart from the fact my heart is being slowly clawed out with a blunt fork.

Took the boy to town this morning so he could buy a GroPro. He's not using his own car again before he goes, to make sure there's some fuel left in it, in case we need to move it before it's sold.

I sat there in my BM, waiting outside the shop, warm spring sunshine all around, reflecting on just how many hours, days, weeks, MONTHS even 🤔😂 I've spent waiting for D since he was born!

Now D is one of those people who's always chilled out and 'last minute'. We live rurally and there's no other transport, so until he got his own vehicle, me and his Dad did a lot of running around.

I can't even begin to guess how long I've waited on the drive over the years while he 'just' cleaned his teeth, ironed a shirt, found his lunch, gym bag, shoes. Untold hours, reading or writing online to pass the time - outside colleges, rugby clubs, places of work and a hundred other places. I've waited for buses, trains, waited to drop him off at friend's houses... waited with everyone else in the car, ready for departure, while he went back into the house for the third time for his wallet, his 'phone, his glasses... I wonder how much time it actually adds up to? 😅 He even kept me waiting when he was born. Having decided to arrive two weeks early, he then took five days to actually make an exit!

Of course, I'd do it all again for him if he needed it. With pleasure.

He's a lot quicker now though, which is a good thing with all that transport to negotiate in his future.

We had a pub lunch today - D, me, hubby and the cockapoos. It was good to spend that time together and April certainly dug deep into its box of tricks to entertain us and remind D why he's seeking warmer climes for a while.

It was warm sunshine when we arrived, so we sat outside as we had the dogs with us. Then dark clouds banked overhead. We looked nervously upwards and decided it might be a good idea to move the table and chairs underneath the smoking shelter roof. Not a moment too soon! As we put the table down the heavens opened and hailstones rattled down, followed immediately by heavy rain ❄️🌧️. You never know what's coming next here in Spring!

So...D has just taken the dogs down the garden for a last play with their ball. He's had some great times in that garden since we moved in 22 years ago. We may not be living here by the time he comes back, so it's a big thing for him, this departure, although he's also so excited about his adventure and that's lovely to see. Really hope it all goes smoothly for him.

Tomorrow will be unimaginably tough.

If all goes to plan, by this time tomorrow D will be up North, flying out Monday morning if current airport chaos allows.

I think I will be the one taking him to the train station.

I must remember to breathe. Tell him (again) I love him and to take care of himself. I will genuinely wish him the safest of travels and hope he has a totally fabulous time. I'll wave him off, if he wants me to.

It will be the moment when a most precious creature takes flight out into the world, going further than I can see, beyond any easy assistance I can give.

I hope the world returns him one day, in one piece, with a happy heart.

Until then...

It will be T Plus 'the foreseeable future'.

Take care out there

T Minus 2

TWO! How did it get down to TWO?

Have you ever stood on a sandy beach in the dark?

Imagine yourself there. It's a quiet, dark night, no light other than the occasional glint of starlight off the water. It's quite calm and the sea is rippling its way inshore with no more than soft hisses and sighs. You can't see it, but you know the tide is coming in, and soon there'll be the cool wash of it over your toes. There's a tension in you, just waiting for that moment.

That's how I feel right now. But it's not the tide coming in, although it's just as inevitable.

It's a big silence creeping up on me. No more squeaky upstairs floorboards, no more conversations layering over other ones, no sound of running water from the bathroom, no doors latching, no laughter in another room. No buzz of activity.

Big arms are reaching out, but they won't be surrounding me with a warm, smothering hug, rather a cold emptyness.

I'm putting on a brave face, but inside...

How do you deal with this one?

I'll have to find a way.

For now, shut it down, hard.

D is out at an Indian restaurant tonight, saying goodbye to his work pals.

Tomorrow is the last morning he'll get up and go back to bed at night in the bedroom he moved into when he was just 4 years old.

About time then, you say. He's very excited and I'm very happy for him. It's just harder to be happy when you won't really be involved!

Time to move into the next stage of my life I suppose? I wasn't expecting it quite so soon, but hey, life sure does know how to throw a curveball.

As D and I joke from time to time, my jerky chewing days are over. Time to move onto that pemmican instead!

On that note, I will leave you with the photo of the day. A homemade milkshake from the Family Feast last weekend.

Take care out there

T Minus 3

For some reason, we've all been a bit edgy today, which is a shame, although perhaps understandable in the circumstances.

D is rushing around, trying to sort out all those last minute things that always take longer than you think. K is not feeling too well after her Covid booster. I'm approaching the end of a training course and trying to get those last examples in for check and hubby is generally irritable, especially since he's been sick and had to finish work.

All understandable - also all regrettable when so little time together is left.

We're a volatile lot to be honest. Small house, four adults. It makes perfect sense that the kids are ready to move on, just wish it wasn't so far away.

Thank goodness for social media. Let's hope it stands up to the strain as we move further and further away from each other's orbit.

So, all in all, a bit down today. D out with friends for a meal tonight and tomorrow night, but we've some free time together Saturday, so we'll all make the most of that!

Photo of the day is cockapoo 1. A poignant reminder that the beginning of something for one person is too often the end of something for someone else (or some dog 🐶 in this case).

Here's planning on a better day tomorrow.

Take care out there,

T Minus 5 and T Minus 4

D was 26 years old on the 5th. Blink and you miss it when it comes to the offspring growing up! 🎁

It was a busy day, with work for us all, but I was really delighted when he chose to spend some quality time with me during the evening. We had a good natter about this and that and the other... Mom and Son stuff and speculation about our futures and so on.

I've stored that mental picture of him sitting beside me. One of those images you retain, telling yourself, "I must always remember this moment".

No blog yesterday - far more important to spend time with D when he's here. He's had a very busy few weeks prepping for departure, so we've all been flitting in and out and there's been few occasions to actually stop and talk.

I'll really miss our chats. They don't happen often, so in a way that makes them even more special.

Like daughter, K, son D has the ability to talk 'what ifs' and 'I wonder' and 'maybes' (something sadly lacking in their Dad!)

I was brought up with a family who all talked and planned and dreamed and I'll be sad when the kids have gone, because everyone else who could 'talk the talk' already has gone, one way or another.

Are your families like that? Talkers?

Photo of the day is a truly awesome flapjack made by K. I can honestly say it's the nicest one I've ever tasted. 😋

I've called it The Bostin' Biscoffi. If you're not familiar with the slang bostin, the Urban Dictionary confirms:

"bostin - brilliant; fantastic; excellent; derived from the Anglo-Saxon 'bosten', meaning 'something to boast about'"

So now you know!

The constant references to food make more sense when I tell you both kids trained to be chefs, although they both ended up doing different jobs.

One thing we've all agreed on - we'll share our new recipes and pics on the family chat when we're on opposite sides of the world 🗺️

Enough for today, I think.

Take care out there,

T Minus 6

6 days to departure.

D is 26 tomorrow. 26 years - now there are just 6 days left until he departs on his travels!

It went so fast!

There are a few flight issues here at the moment (mainly due to making everyone redundant during Covid19 and struggling to re-train). Fingers crossed his flight gets away on time. The first hop is relatively short, but coach and hostel bookings will be affected if it doesn't go to plan.

There are bound to be obstacles en route when he's travelling, but it would be nice if he can get off to a good start. 🚄✈️🚌

Pic of the day is the buddha in my garden, soaking up some sunshine (and yes, I know I need to paint the fence, but it'll have to warm up a bit first!)

Take care out there,

T Minus 7

This time next week D will have started on his travels.

I hope it starts well (and continues well). There are big delays at the airports right now. They've had problems getting the staff re-trained after Covid. Fingers crossed 🤞

It will be so strange him not being here. It's a very different feeling to someone going on holiday, even a long holiday.

I wish I could explain to the dogs. They wait every day for him to come home from work. If only I could just tell them what's going on. We'll have to make sure to fill their lives with fun things to do.

It's going to be a strange week.

On the upside, in a bid to combat the 52% rise in our electricity bills, I tried a Tiktok hack and curled my hair with socks (clean socks). It was actually very successful! Photo of the day is my sock head 😂😂

Take care out there,

T Minus 8

So today we had D's joint Farewell and Birthday Feast 😋

The banner read "Let the adventure begin!"

I confess I am a bit jealous. Not only of the doing, but also of being young enough and free enough to still dream of doing, with some possibility of it becoming a reality.

Marinading baby back ribs, recipe courtesy of Snoop Dogg! Results as delicious as the first time we tried them.

It was a lovely day. All of us together, throw in a few cocktails and beers, home-made milkshakes, ribs, brisket and salads and other good food and lots of laughter.

If you've gotta go down, go down partying.

I love them all. So grateful for this day and all the others with them in the past.

Enough said.

Wherever you are, take care and enjoy the bits you can.

T Minus 9

This time next Friday there will only be two nights left with son D under the same roof. 😕

How did the years go so fast?

One minute a tiny creature with little elf ears holding tight onto my finger on his first ever night, instilling a sense of protectiveness I never imagined I could feel. Next minute a grown-up, 6'1" man heading off around the world.

Then this morning, daughter K bounced into the house for her day off 'working from home' (or my home lol). Her Visa to Australia has been approved, so they are off at the beginning of August. 😔

Again, one minute a tiny dot staring at me as she lay on the pillow beside me in the evening light of her first ever night. Next minute, all set to fly away as far as she possibly can without physically leaving the planet.

Somehow, somewhere, I must have both excelled as a parent and also failed abysmally. How else could they be confident enough, yet also cast me off so carelessly?

I remind myself this is their life now and I am happy for them. Because I am.

It's just, I was hoping to be a little part of their future, and if that's selfish then I guess I am selfish.

I'm keeping it to myself, don't worry. I'm not that selfish.

But a part of me is crying out, "Why can't I be happy too?"

Not the best day today.

Take care out there

Nearly FriYAYY.

First time I've ever wished it wasn't.

Spent some time today discussing the likely impact of the 'soon to be empty nest' on day to day things like shopping and washing.

When daughter K started buying her own food and sleeping nights with her fella, it was an odd adjustment to cooking quantities and I often found I'd over-estimated the amount needed for 3 plates instead of 4!🍝

Yet going from 4 to 3 didn't affect the shopping much because of the way things are portioned and packaged, but I anticipate dropping to 2 will be dramatically different. Suddenly smaller packs will be possible in everything from washing powder to eggs. 🥚

Son D can certainly put his food away so I must remember to use a smaller pan!

I wonder how often we'll need to use the washing machine - less than daily I imagine. There'll be an effect on everything from doing the dishes to peeling potatoes. I wonder what sort of meals we'll even have when there are just two of us?

The kids are off to new horizons, but I guess our horizon will alter too in different ways.

Have any of you experienced this sort of change? Be interested to hear your stories of how you changed or adjusted?

The trifle is complete. The photo of the day is in its honour. I doubt it will hang around for long!

Whatever you're facing, I wish you well.

Take care out there

M

One day closer. One day less.

Just like every holiday I've ever been on (or at least the ones I've enjoyed), time seems to be moving at a different pace right now.

It does that though anyway, don't you think?

Having your teeth drilled at the dentist, verbal exams, waiting for payday, hanging on for the weekend... Slow Time.

Best party ever, long-awaited break away, dream holiday... So Fast You Miss It Time.

This has taught me something though; find something to appreciate in every day, because sometimes you've overlooked some of the things that really matter.

Wishing the time away may be wishing away more things than we realise.

Anyway - the 'keeping busy before D leaves strategy' is progressing. The Grand Farewell Feast is now all planned - more to follow on that in the next few days. There may even be a recipe recommendation or two!

Trifle update - setting in the fridge and awaiting decoration. Pic tomorrow.

I realise I talk about food a lot in relation to impending doom!

Yes, I am a bit of a comfort eater, but I guess I'm also a 'feeder' and our family gatherings always seem to include something tasty.

It's sobering to think this may be the last family feast when we are all present at the same time. I suspect the eating and shopping habits of me and hubby will change dramatically soon.

What use will be made of the double oven, the griddle, the tall fridge?

Why keep all those treasured, inherited glasses and plates and bowls if no-one will be here to use them and no-one wants them in the future?

What use will I be other than a dispirited employee?

We'll have to see.

Cockapoo 2 is demonstrating how I feel, but in an adorable way. She's my photo of the day today.

Take care out there

T minus 12

Beautiful flowers above from D, for Mother's Day. 

I feel a bit, well, blank today. 

Having cried my eyes out on and off, 😭 any time I could hide myself away, most of the last few weeks, maybe I've just run out of tears for a few days?

Anyway, lots of hours working from home today, so T minus 12 has been a bit stretched.

In normal circumstances I'd take a few days annual leave, but I'm on a training course at the moment and D is working right up until he leaves anyway, so it's not as though I'd see any more of him. 

Bitter sweet moments today were:

D and K playfighting and laughing their heads off, just as though they were still little, not 25 and 23! Will I ever see that again? They'll really miss each other I think; they've been so close over the years. 

Bon Voyage style, edible, wafer decorations arrived for D's joint birthday/leaving cake. 

Made jelly (jello), lots of it, for the Last Trifle. D loves trifle and I didn't get around to making one last Christmas like I usually do. Blancmange and assembly day tomorrow 🍧 

I've decided to spread out the Last Chinese, Last BBQ, Last Cake🍰 🎂 because you can only eat so much in one sitting! Just want him to have a bit of everything he likes before he goes. 

Keeps me busy too. 

I'm not actually trying to make him too fat to fit on the plane. 😉 No chance of that anyway. He has an awesome metabolism.

I feel very tired, emotionally and physically. 

Hanging on. 

Waiting for the fall. 

Take care out there