understandingthevoices

long time no update but

I started residency in my dream specialty!!!!!!!!! can't fucking wait, letting the world come together in the only way it can is the way to go

like i would much rather just give myself those things but these past few years ive learnt to accept help from others because i wanted a healthy relationship in my life

and with this guy for the first time in my life - he embodies and exhibits so much emotional safety that i actually feel comfortable asking for what i want without feeling like im being too needy or thinking he'll dismiss my wants as unimportant like he makes me feel so supported and special it's such a good feeling i'm so lucky i think reframing it as "im asking for these things because i care about this relationship and want it to flourish" and being positive instead of "im being too needy by asking for these things" and then letting resentment/frustration build up is a huge game-changer too

but pls explain WHY an hour after i come home from spending time at his place a guy i hooked up w 4 years ago texts me being like "miss you" like brooo wtf mind u, he hasn't seen/texted me the whole time guys literally come back EVERY GODDAMN TIME it's insane, ive never been ghosted, if anything just the opposite lololol

what, it really is that easy? like no begging, no asking, just a man who wants to give to make me happy

i knew being pretty was a privilege but i thought with glasses i wouldn't have that power over men anymore - turns out i'm still hot but just hot to a different type of man but i love guys who acknowledge their role is to provide and protect, it literally is so fuckin hot

I honored neuro

I’m so happy

i realized i have to respect people's needs and not expect that they are gonna cater to me

like he's in boston literally rn and idt he wants to see me which by all accounts is crazy considering we spent 4 days together but based on his actions, thats the vibe im getting

im not forcing myself or things anymore if he wanted to, he would i havent even texted him, i should get a medal for self-control lolol

!!!!!!!!

and honestly, his loss - im the whole package, and i have no regrets or feel any type of way

probs bc im on break now and have a ton of time but like honestly

we had so much fun and now im looking back and trying to convince myself it was all fake and he actually hates me and couldn't get away fast enough when that obviously was not the case

i hate my ability to cast a negative light on everything

and all because he didn't reply super enthusiastically to my offer to meet him in boston. like why am i SO FKN SENSITIVE LOL

its stupid tho, anything that requires this much thought and analysis and brain-space is not anything healthy

which is why im leaving it/him behind ugh

i dont think its a good idea to continue this

Honestly I’m just tryna have my cake (him) and eat it too (go out on dates with other guys to find my forever person who is open to a relationship)

but not forcing anything per yooz

what’s meant to be will not miss me

at the end of the day, although he treated me amazingly and made me feel loved - and i thought it meant something to him, it likely didn't

if you take off the blinders he is just another boy who chose not to commit to me, who accepted that not seeing me ever again was a possibility and was okay with it

oh well