Our daughter was planned, wanted, was coming into a life with two parents who were able to financially support her, health insurance and paid(!) maternity leave, with extended family and friends waiting in the wings to support all three of us. All these advantages, and I was *still* scared. And frankly, it's still fucking dangerous.

And I imagined being alone and what it would feel like if I had been forced to birth a child I couldn't adequately care for or didn't want.

People who choose to transition socially but not physically are brave. 

Before anyone immediately jumps to bad faith interpretations, let me point out that I’m saying „brave“, not „braver“ or „better“. I am not comparing anyone or pitting anyone against each other, I’m not making any sort of statement about trans people who do physically transition here. I love and support you, this letter is just not about you. 

Okay, back to the point at hand: When I say social transition, I refer to openly using a name and pronouns that reflect your gender identity. Affirming haircuts and clothes can also be included here. By physical transition, I specifically mean hormones and surgeries. 

When we talk about people who transition socially but not physically, there isn’t the one specific narrow path for how that looks like. It includes

people who wouldn’t physically transition even if it was super easy to access. They like their body the way it is, they just want to be gendered correctly the way they are. 

people who maybe would physically transition if it was easier but not in their actual real life circumstances. They may experience body dysphoria but the stress (financial burden, potential health risks etc.) of pursuing physical transition outweighs the stress of dealing with dysphoria for them. 

people who really do not have all that much choice, they can not realistically access physical transition regardless of how much they want it, so they just have to choose to make the best out of their circumstances. 

In some spaces, there is the assumption that social transition is always „only the first step“, and in some even that it’s the „easy way out“ or the „cowardly choice“. And so you may have to explain highly personal things over and over again or face assumptions and stereotypes. You may be confronted with people who pity you for your „failed transition“ (because surely you must be on hormones and they just don’t do anything?) or assume you „stopped being trans“ (because surely if you really were trans, you would’ve had surgery by now?). 

Passing is another aspect. Of course there are people who do not care about passing or to whom the concept of passing doesn’t really apply, and yes, some people can pass amazingly well without any medical steps - but those points don’t apply to everyone in this group and it’s dismissive to act like they do. 

Choosing to socially transition without medical steps can come with some lingering doubts (questions like: will I ever be fully seen as my gender by others? Would I have been happier in an alternate timeline where I did transition? Do I owe physical transition to myself? … but also: Will I ever be attractive to the people I want to attract? Will I always feel like an outsider among trans people who do physically transition? Am I harming those who advocate for the right to surgery if I don’t use it? Do I owe others physical transition?) - and it can also put you in a vulnerable position. Passing can be about much more than your personal preferences, it can be a safety concern. For those who can’t easily pass with just a haircut, clothes and cosmetic choices (makeup, shaving etc.), not physically transitioning can mean you always stay somewhat „visibly trans“. You can not count on the comfort that „some day those who misgender you will look like they have dementia“. 

I don’t want to be dismissive by going „And dealing with all that makes you a strong fighter!“ because 1.) I’m sure most trans people would rather live in a safe world where their mere existence didn’t require strength, and 2.) it very easily veers into „inspiration porn“ territory where you are reduced to your struggles rather than being seen as a whole human being. I don’t want to do that. 

But I do want to tell you that you are brave. Speaking out and saying „Hey, this is who I am and I want you to respect it“ is brave. Saying „This is my name and this is how to refer to me, and this is important to me“ is brave. And it is brave fully independently of whatever steps follow after. It’s brave if absolutely no steps follow after. 

Being openly trans means being unapologetically yourself - and that is always brave. 

With all my love, 

ok. wage gap

source

like. come on now

"trans men aren't oppressed"

"trans men have the same amount of privilege as cis men" (see: 70 cents to their dollar)

"trans men don't face their own issues that deserve discussion and attention"

"trans men are ontologically evil"

"it's bad to be a trans man"

"a trans man killed my grandma"

Just because, due to our hypervisibility when coupled, cishet society has painted us as the standard for dykehood doesn't mean we're actually normative and that there's any societal pressure within gay women's communities to Adhere to a butch/femme lifestyle, courtship and identity.

If anything the rest of you all (which, again, you outnumber us massively, so there's absolutely an imbalance there) keep isolating us and treating us like shit any chance you all get. Often even in collaboration with cishet people at that.

We don't want to date, marry or fuck other dykes who're not playing within our subculture, and you don't want us either. So don't?

For a third time; we're a minority subculture within gay women, you won't be missing out on much numerically speaking by excluding us from your romantic and sexual pools, and when you take into account that us being part of butch/femme while you're not makes us incompatible in most ways? You're all really not missing out on a damn thing.

Well, I'm pretty sure the same mechanisms apply to how so many of you treat us. Simultaneously despise us yet are resentful that you're not one of us. It's not that you want in, it's that regardless of whether you want in or not who are we to deny you access?