Gay Trash Child

Her righteous anger at protecting my partner from abuse is just so rich coming from someone who actively participated in my abuse by backing up claims that I was being selfish and irrational in my fear of being coerced into a living situation with her and my partner while my partner was still abusing me in those circumstances.

Like, sorry bitch, its frightening to me to be spoken to like that. I don't want to be triggering but if you've been such an asshole to me that I'm afraid of you, I'm not going to never express fear around the ways you talk to me.

She ridiculed me for being afraid of my abuser in situations where he had previously and, at the time, was continuing to abuse me. She participated in that abuse. She has also made it clear that her fight response is on a razor's edge when it comes to me and I'm not safe when talking to her. And I'm the bad guy for saying something she did might be frightening

Fuck that bitch. I'm allowed my feelings.

Coming to terms with realizing how much he gaslit me about how "unreasonable" my emotions were in earlier arguments. He had a turning point in Jan 2022 where he suddenly connected with his own wants and needs and now can suddenly see how my wants and needs (where they conflict with someone who is more damaged than I am) aren't selfish and his approach of disregarding his wants and needs to service others was really damaging to him and to our relationship.

I also gaslit myself on how "irrational" I was, instead of listening to my feelings and finding why I was so upset. But he directly told me "this time you have a degree of reasoning to back your decision, but you and I both know that a certain indiscriminate hostility played a significant role..." And that's gaslighting bullshit. I feel vindicated finding that evidence of gaslighting and looked further for other stuff

That was the wrong choice. Reading the texts from SL is still triggering. It was an extremely painful time in my life and I regret trying to dig at it and fix it.

Like, because most people can’t use it and it would actively reduce the usability for other disabilities? Yeah, raised couch is great if you can’t get up from a low couch, but if you’re extremely short it’ll make getting on your couch harder and if it’s raised on legs it gives more space under the couch for stuff to get stuck. Cane holders are great if you have a cane but they’re a hindrance if you don’t and might run into them, especially if you’re easily injured. Spot readers are great to hold IDs for the visually impaired but they appear to hinder the ability to slide stuff out of the bookcase which could cause problems if you struggle with muscle control or hand strength.

Just, Jesus fuck, stay in your lane until you’re more damn educated. The world isn’t black and white and disabled people aren’t all delicate snowflakes who don’t understand that what makes things easier for them might make things harder for the general population. Offer accomodations, don’t make everyone use what’s usable for /some/ disabled people.

I just feel like he dismisses my lifetime of intense, intimate friendships with multiple people as unrelated to navigating varying levels of intimate relationships. He’s Done Relationships so He Knows. I’m ~coming in with expectations of how relationships are~ not knowledgeable about how I am in intimate relationships and what I want in them, nor aware of reasonable interpersonal boundaries and offended when those boundaries are crossed.

• MM is a toxic bitch and she was probably at least mildly abusive

• I hate CH, she’s sub-human garbage and deserves the worst that comes to her

• I like SP, she cool but I don’t think we’ll ever be tight

• I like SL but my own emotional issues rn are making it hard to get close to her

• My job stress is making dealing with anything outside of work fucking impossible

I talked to him about how I didn’t like the abusive ex and believe his behavior around her is indicative of her being abusive. He says he considered it seriously and still fully disagrees with my assessment, though he was surprised to learn that the longer term partner agrees with me thinking the ex is toxic. I’m dissatisfied with how that conversation went, I spoke the truth as I saw it but apparently I came in too hot on “I don’t like [abusive ex]” and that put him on the defensive. He says he’s not experiencing the tension in defending abusive ex that he experienced when trying to claim the Confirmed Shitstain wasn’t a shitstain but I don’t think he thought there was any sort of tension when I first told him Shitstain was a shitstain, either.

I’m still fully sure the behavior I saw from him around their relationship was the behavior of someone in a toxic situation. This time around I don’t feel crazy and uncertain like I did with the Shitstain situation and I was SUPER RIGHT about that bullshit. We ended the conversation with him expressing boredom on the topic after affirming that he really thinks it was a beautiful relationship with some hard times and I affirmed that I still think she seemed abusive.

My partner moved here in August.

At that time he asked if another partner could come for a month. I have v good reasons to think that relationship is bad news, though the actual dynamic was fine. I’d ignored her and my discomfort with that relationship because she was far away, but once she was gonna be in the area I couldn’t avoid expressing my discomfort. He ended up agreeing and stepping back from it.

That just left partners of his I like, one I’ve met and could be bros with if she lived nearby and one I’ve only talked to online but I’m kind of seriously crushing on.

Thing is, the one I’m crushing on was thinking of visiting for Thanksgiving. We talked on skype because after the previous debacle with the partner I hated, I was hesitant to have someone visit without a Skype meeting. I was all good vibes from that but apparently she was spooked off from visiting. Between a jump in plane ticket prices and her not feeling the good vibes between us she asked our partner to visit her for Thanksgiving instead. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I love spending time with loved ones that way, and I’m not going home for it so when Cipo asked if I wanted him to stay I said absolutely yes. She has best friends with her and isn’t American so it’s not as important a holiday to have him at for her as it is for me. Apparently she didn’t like that at all and now they’re fighting. He thinks it’s because she’s reading it as choosing me over her.

He says he’s over dealing with that kind of thing. He’s always been the one bringing people into the poly lifestyle and pushing the envelope on it and he’s sick of coddling people through their difficulties with what he needs to be happy in relationships and what he’s very, very clear is a pre-existing, necessary lifestyle for him.

I want them to resolve this. He really loves her and I very much want to get to know her better. And while polyamory isn’t a long term thing for everyone, I think some experience with a healthy dynamic in it can help with communication and lack of jealousy in future relationships. So I think that this could be a good thing for her to stick with a while longer. At least long enough to get comfortable with me being around

On the other hand, while he was already getting sick of coddling people when I met him, I also half think my relative ease with being poly is making it harder for him to want to give a shit when people can’t handle it. Like, “oh, it doesn’t have to be so damn hard... why am I putting up with this bullshit again?” And I’m feeling quietly smug about that

My love had been planning to have this girl visit for 4-6 weeks this summer. But then it became very possible he'd move down here before she was set to come and I was clear that I wouldn't be comfortable with her staying with us, plus she isn't so hot on the polyamory thing and probably wouldn't have wanted to anyway. I thought that killed that visit, not considering how long it had been since they'd seen each other and focusing instead on how their relationship is floundering.

Today my partner told me she'd be visiting up there for a week at a point after I'd been hoping he'd be moved here for work. So I was both surprised the visit was still happening and hurt that it was after when I've been hoping he'll be down here. He told me it'd been decided this past week and since we've been talking almost constantly this week I'm wondering just fucking when he was planning on telling me. Which is maybe dumb, he probably didn't know I thought she wasn't visiting and was planning on telling me when I asked after her (which is what happened).

He still hasn't given me any reason to believe she's not just a crazy bitch he fell in love with at a vulnerable time and now puts up with for their history. Prodding never gets a satisfying answer. Just "she's crazy and mean and I love how hard it is to like her and how relieved she is that I put up with her shit." I think I can kind of get where he's coming from but also I don't like that he lets her be so unkind to him.

I am nervous about what he describes as losing himself to her when they're together. He says a lot about their future will be decided on that visit but I'm not sure he'll keep a rational head about him. I'm worried he'll tell her he wants to marry her again and this time she'll take it. I want to marry him. Not soon, maybe get engaged in 3 years, but I want to marry him and that's something he can only offer to one person at a time. And it's way too early in our relationship to tell him part of my jealousy is that I don't want him to marry someone else.