kat ❣︎

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Monday

The hum of an air conditioning unit mixed with sporadic clicks of my professor's keyboard filled my dull classroom on a particularly gray morning. The weekend flew by, my overthinking and dissociation eating the time away.

"I'll see you on Monday."

The message flashed repeatedly in my mind for the past fourty-eight hours, trying to dissect the tone and intent. I rested my elbow on the desk beneath me, leaning my cheek into my hand. I absentmindedly tugged at loose threads on my hoodie sleeve, my eyes stuck in a daze on the blank white board in front of me. I wondered if Luke was actually going to show up, if I should just leave after class despite his assurance that we would see each other. My teeth met my bottom lip, I chewed anxiously as I questioned if I even wanted to face him, my nerves turning into insecurity.

I didn't want to imagine the stupidity and embarrassment I would feel if I stayed after class waiting for Luke, for him to end up not showing. My pen tapped the desk quickly, my hands finding anything to fidget with. My eyes darted to the clock, noting the ten minutes left of class and began to feel uneasy. My stomach was in a knot, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I was being dramatic, I couldn't help but panic.

Everything will be fine. He's a man, with a life. You have yourself sick over nothing. You're being ridiculous. This is stupid. He's not mad at you. Everything is okay.

I reassured myself frantically in my head, taking balanced breaths as the end of class drew closer.

I jumped slightly in my seat, the brief dismissal bell catching me by surprise, despite my eyes being glued to the clock. My classmates made their way to the door, ignoring my professors thrown in final words as they cramped the walkway. My thumb being chewed by my anxious teeth, unaware of my approaching teacher.

"Happy Monday." He grinned warmly, placing a brown leather satchel over his shoulder. I smiled softly at his friendly manor, nodding slightly at his greeting.

"Right." I muttered, returning the smile as he made his way out of the classroom, leaving me to myself. I glanced behind me at the door, peering out the small window in the middle of it, trying to get a peek at any approaching people. A heavy sigh left my lips, turning around and slumping in my chair with frustration. I shot a look to the clock. 11:02.

"If you're not here in eight minutes, I'm leaving." I muttered to myself quietly, crossing my arms tightly against my chest.

As if he heard me, the door latch behind me clicked abruptly, opening gently. I sighed deeply, keeping my eyes in front of me as I listened to the nearing footsteps on my left side.

From my peripheral, I watched Luke's careful frame pull a chair from the desk adjacent to me, turning it around and straddling it. His arms crossed on the back of the chair, only a few inches from my seat.

My eyes darted to the side, meeting his stern look briefly before returning them to my bare desk in front of me.

"Good morning." He spoke deeply, the silence in the room mixed with his low tone intimidated me more than I had anticipated

"It's not morning." I blurted out softly in a stutter, my obvious nerves making me sound like a fool. Luke chuckled through his nose, looking down at his hands crossed before him.

"What's the matter?" He hesitated before speaking, though his tone was genuine. I glanced at him, his expression softened. My eyebrows furrowed slightly, a part of me in disbelief that he truly wouldn't know why I was tense with him.

"I don't know..." I shrugged, "I guess I felt like you were avoiding me." I shook my head as I spoke, listening to how ridiculous I sounded speaking my paranoid thoughts out loud. Luke sighed deeply, his eyes leaving mine.

"I didn't mean to." He began, adjusting himself in his seat. My face twisted slightly at his choice of words, though I stayed quiet as he continued to explain, "I don't think you could understand my reasoning for any of this." He brought his thumb and index finger to the corners of his eyes, scrunching his face with frustration. I shook my head, uncrossing my arms slowly.

"What does that even mean?" I scoffed. Luke sat up in his seat, placing a hand on the desk in front of me.

"It's just... My problems. About this." He motioned with his hands at the two of us, "They're too big for you." My confusion on grew the more he spoke, though I could only infer that he was calling me too immature or unintelligent for his thoughts on our situation.

"I'm not an idiot, Luke." I turned to face him, looking at him sternly.

"Y/n, that's not what I mean, you know that." He shook his head with purpose, his face still scrunched with stress.

"I don't, though. I don't know what you're trying to say." I exclaimed at a quiet shout, tossing my hands up with frustration. Luke wiped an anxious hand over his face, letting out a deep sigh.

"You." He leaned an elbow on the desk, his pointer finger centimeters from my face. His words warm against my skin, "You're not good for me." He spoke deeply. I made a face of confusion. I was beginning to get deja vu.

"Luke, we talked about this already." I watched his expression closely as he spoke.

"No." He interrupted me, "I need you... More than this." He motioned with hands to the room surrounding us, "This, meeting only in secret and during sessions thing isn't working for me. I need you. All of you. All the time." He rambled.

"...What are you saying?" I spoke carefully, tilting my head. Luke's eyes met mine.

"I'm going to end up having to choose between you, or my job." He breathed. I slowly began to understand his words, realizing we were on the same page about our feelings towards each other. I agreed, I didn't want to just see Luke in private. I wanted to go out with him, be public with him, show him to my friends. I needed him. However, I knew he would choose his career over a crush.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could muster. My frustrated eyes shot down to my hands in my lap, I began to feel choked up with frustration and anxiety. Luke frantically scooted closer, placing a hand on my knee.

"Hey." He soothed, "This isn't your fault. It's mine. I was unprofessional." He murmured.

"Why is it wrong?" I argued, "I'm not some stupid kid. I know what I'm doing. Who cares if you're a tutor. Why is this wrong?" I ranted angrily. I believed every word I said, I felt that it was unfair that two consenting adults couldn't form their own relationship, due to one of them working at the school the other attended.

"They can't bend the rules for just us." Luke sighed. The silence was deafening. The two of us sat tense, gathering our thoughts.

"I don't know what to do, Y/n." Luke spoke pathetically, his tone desperate. He looked uo at me through his lashes with obvious disappointment. I hesitated speaking my mind, biting my lip before my words escaped before I could think.

"What if I drop out..?" I spoke quietly, avoiding eye contact with the man beside me. Luke craned his neck forward, leaning in closer.

"What?" He asked in disbelief, praying he misheard me. I swallowed the lump in my throat with a sigh.

"If I don't go here, they can't get you in trouble for being with me." I spilled. Luke furrowed his brows, his mouth slightly agape.

"Please, don't be ridiculous, Y/n." He whined, "Do you hear how stupid of an idea that is? That's your solution? Drop out of school?" He pressed, his tone full of caring anger.

"What else is there, Luke?!" I spat, "We just cut each other off, act like we never met? Is that what you want?" I exclaimed.

"Of course not!" Luke stood from his seat, matching my tone, "But, Y/n, I can't think of anything else logical to do!" He annunciated with his hands.

"I don't even like school, there's no point in me being here anyway." I griped, sinking into my chair.

"You're being ridiculous." Luke scoffed, "Do you see where you are? Do you understand the privilege you have to be going to this school? How many people would kill to be in your position? Yet you wanna give it all up for me. Listen to yourself." He raised his voice, speaking dramatically with his hands. I shook my head with anger, yet mentally agreeing with every word he spoke.

The tension was cut in half by the unexpected and premature arrival of my professor, entering the class ten minutes early. The cold vibe in the room was obvious, my professor giving both Luke and I a look as he entered.

"Afternoon." He smiled suspiciously, making his way to the desk, "Everything okay?" He spoke, noticing the lack of instruments in mine and Luke's arms.

"Uh, yeah." Luke forced a chuckle, "Focused on listening to some classic guitar songs today, took a little break from playing." Luke quickly came up with a lie, I couldn't tell if my professor bought it.

"Great." He nodded, opening his laptop to tend to his own work. Luke glanced to me, both of us telepathically asking each other what to do, but both leaving the question unanswered. I looked to the clock, noting the five minutes left, and decided to free myself from the extra stress of waiting. I gathered my bag, giving Luke a final look as I stood up.

_

Saturday

6:00 PM

"Why are you acting so weird?" Leah snapped me from my trance, my eyes glued to my sheets ob the bed below me. We had planned our usual hangout in my dorm, bought a disgusting amount junk food and had a queue of movies and shows waiting for us on my laptop.

It had been almost a week since my last session with Luke, since then, he's disappeared.

I didn't receive any texts informing me of a following session, so I had assumed if I just showed up, so would he. The following days after that Monday, I would stay after class expecting Luke's arrival, but he never showed. I asked my professor if he knew what was going on, he nonchalantly brushed it off. "He'll be back." "Probably has other things to do."

I couldn't help but feel as if he had been avoiding me.

"What? I'm fine." I forced a chuckle, furrowing my brows at my friend. I had failed to tell her anything of worth. How would I tell her I fucked my tutor? The one she knows personally?

Leah gave me a cross look, her smile crooked.

"You're a terrible liar, Y/n." She rolled her eyes. "But, if you say so." She scoffed, tossing a handfull of random chips into her mouth. I sighed, contemplating if I should just "man up" and tell her about my stressing events of the previous week.

I continued to stay in my daze as Leah vegged out on my laptop, watching a TV show I had no interest in. I bit my cheek, my mind wandering to all the possible reasons for Luke's absence. Did I do something? Is it me? Am I being dramatic? What if it has nothing to do with me? Where is he? Why do I miss him?

"Dude." Leah spoke abruptly, widening her eyes at my face, "You're bleeding." I once again snapped from my daze, bringing my tongue to my previously chewed on lip. My anxieties had let me absentmindedly chew enough skin off the corner of my lip, making me bleed.

"Oh, shit." I wiped away the little blood with my thumb, taking a deep breath at my undermined nervousness.

"Seriously, what's going on?" Leah spoke softly, pausing the show on my laptop. She sat criss cross, turning herself towards me to listen. She stared at me with genuine compassion. I glanced at her briefly before darting my eyes to my hands, which were fidgeting relentlessly in my lap. I sighed deeply before speaking.

"I don't know..." I began, "It's a lot... And a little crazy." I shook my head. Leah inched closer, tilting her head.

"You can talk to me, babe." She reassured, poking my knee playfully with a finger. I smiled softly, looking up at her warm face.

"Okay..." I sighed, "You have to swear on your life to keep this a secret. Seriously, this is confidential information." I stressed to my friend, half sarcastically, but genuine. Leah raised her eyebrows at the seriousness, but nodded.

"Of course. What happens in this room stays in this room. My lips are sealed." She smiled. My thumbs twirled in my lap anxiously as I tried ti gather my words neatly and orderly, which ended up coming out like word vomit instead.

"Luke and I..." I started, my eyes glued to my lap, "I fucked Luke... And I liked it. And it happened twice. And now he hasn't been at school in like, a week and I'm worried it's my fault, and he hasn't texted me, and-" Leah threw her hands up in front of her chest, halting my words.

"Yo." She spoke, blinking slowly, "Let me get this straight... You fucked your tutor? You and Luke fucked? Where?! How?!" She exclaimed, speaking with her hands dramatically. I threw my hands over my face in embarrassment, my cheeks started to get hot.

"I know." I whined into my hands, "I don't even know how this happened, Leah." I groaned, sinking into my posture. Leah's mouth was agape, collecting her thoughts.

"Can't he like, get arrested for that?" She asked genuinely. I widened my eyes.

"Can he?!" I exclaimed, "I'm not a child why would he get arrested?!" I yelled in a whisper.

"Cause he's technically a teacher... Right?" Leah furrowed her brows. I shook my head in frustration.

"I don't know, dude. It's all so much." I whined, dropping my hands back to my lap. "Please, don't tell anyone. Like anyone." I pleaded, looking at Leah with genuine concern.

"I won't." Leah reassured, still very obviously mind boggled at the battalion of information she just received.

We sat in a tense silence for a moment before Leah spoke up.

"What are you gonna' do?" She spoke through her teeth. I glanced at her, her expression full of sympathy yet shared stress.

"I don't know. I wish he'd say something. A text. Anything." I mumbled.

"Have you texted him?" Leah tilted her head. My eyes darted around the room. Am I stupid? Of course I am. Why don't I text him?

"I haven't." I shoke my head, reaching for my cellphone beside me. "I don't even know what to say.".

"Uh, I don't know, maybe "Why are you ghosting me I have the ability to ruin your entire career"? Hello?" She spoke with a petty and sarcastic tone, I couldn't help but let a small giggle escape my lips at her immediate hastiness towards Luke's absence.

"I'm not saying that." I scoffed, "I'm not mad at him or anything." I spoke as my thumbs hovered over the screen, looking at our last message threads. My mind raced, what do I say? "Where are you?" "Are you okay?" "Are you mad at me?" "Did I do something wrong?".

"Hey. Everything okay?"

I typed out my message hesitantly, my thumb scared of the send button. Leah watched me patiently as I finally hit send, I tossed my phone quickly away from me as I did, as If I was thirteen and texted my crush for the first time.

"Ugh, why does he make me feel this way." I groaned, flopping on my back into my bed.

"I told you he wasn't shit." Leah mumbled. I shot her a death stare before sitting back up.

"We don't know why he isn't talking to me yet. Maybe there's a genuine reason." I tried to stay optimistic. Leah scoffed.

"Right. I hope so.". I bit my cheek with unease as I took in Leah's unenthusiastic tone. I didn't want to believe Luke was avoiding me for any reason. I couldn't imagine what I had done. Though our last session had ended fairly awkward, I assumed the events spilled that day inferred that the stance on our contact with one another was acceptable. Sure, we didn't get to talk much, but I doubted that he would be intimate with me while wanting nothing to do with me...Right?

My eyes found themselves darting to my phone every few minutes, the ringer was off yet I hopelessly checked in the chance that Luke's message silently made it's way through. I tried to stay grounded, have a good rest of the evening with my friend.

"Don't dwell on it right now." Leah gave me a playful shove, noticing my tense posture, "See what happens on Monday." She spoke in a no-sweat tone, an obvious attempt to calm my uneasy feelings.

9:00 PM

A yawn escaped my chest as I gathered Leah and I's mess from just a bit ago, making my way to the bin with handfuls of wrappers, bags, and bottles.

I stopped suddenly in my tracks as a single chime rang from my phone across the room, making my heart jump slightly. Not getting my hopes up, I nonchalantly finished my cleaning, ignoring the notification until I concluded my job. I could feel the idea of the notification belonging to Luke try to take control of my thoughts, but remained calm. Why was I letting him affect me this way? He made me feel crazy.

I leisurely made my way to my bed, getting comfortable in the blankets and sheets before hesitantly grabbing my phone. The screen set aglow to my face as the notification showed iteself to me. Luke. 1 Message.

"Yup."

I furrowed my eyebrows, narrowing my eyes as I swiftly unlocked my phone, opening the whole message thread.

"Yup?" I spoke aloud in disbelief, bringing my phone closer to my face. What did that mean? Yup? I felt myself fill with anger and confusion. I felt as if I'd rather him just kept ignoring me. I scolded myself mentally for my immediate assumptions of the tone of his message, as "Yup" could be spoken in any emotion. I couldn't help but feel immediately insecure, as though his message was standoffish.

My leg bounced hastily, I bit my cheek as a million emotions flooded me at once. I didn't know what to say. If I should say anything at all. What if he's not mad? What if I'm being dramatic? I let myself overthink, staring at his text in a daze.

"Are you sure?"

I typed impulsively, sending without thinking. I just wanted a real answer. Quicker than I excepted, Luke started to type. I felt my heartbeat begin to pick up, feeling silly at how easily he controlled my emotions. His message snatched my attention abruptly.