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I said it to this girl after a week.

a girl who made it clear she did not want a relationship

a girl who made it clear monogamous relationships are not for her

You asked me in the car for the things I love about you, or something like that. But I’m gonna start this a different way. Just hear me out. This may seem dramatic lol but I mean every word.

39 days. August 20th until September 28th. Just 39 days. I fell in love with you probably less than a week into those 39 days.

I hate that.

I hate that I fell for you in less than 39 days.

I actually hate a lot of things about this situation.

I hate that I don’t know if I’ll ever know how you truly felt.

I hate that all the trauma you’ve endured and seen has hardened you and prevents you from maybe getting the love you deserve.

I hate that you don’t even want that kind of love.

I hate that you won’t let yourself feel love. Even 39 days later.

I hate that what I showed you wasn’t enough to pull you out of it or maybe make you think differently.

But it was just 39 days. It’s hard to change a mind like yours in that kind of time.

Also in those 39 days, I realized that when you set your mind to something, you’ll accomplish it. You’ll work for it, you’ll make it happen.

I hate that me and you wasn’t something you were willing to set your mind to.

I hate that you fear the pain more than you want the love.

I hate the guy that made you start to feel that way.

But 39 days after I talked to you the first time, and now also after the last time we talked, I love you.

I kinda hate that. It’s like a punch line ya know? Who says I love you to someone they met like once? What a joke. It’s something to be laughed it. People will laugh at me when you tell them. But fuck em.

Because these 39 days however tough they were at times for me, were among the best days of my life. And this isn’t hyperbole. I fucking mean it.

In these 39 days I fell in love with you, your empathy, your heart, your face, your body, your hair, your soul, your bruises, your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your smirk, your pure fucking joy at little things.

Yeah 39 days later I’m in love with you. 39 days later I’m still wishing you allowed yourself to feel the same way. 39 days later I’m wishing I could’ve done more. 39 days later I’m wishing I could’ve changed your mind.

39 days later I’m just wishing there was a day 40..

But it’s 39 days later and we gotta say goodbye. 39 fucking days. How fucking short is that really? It’s a drop in an ocean of time. But we agreed. 39 days later.

So now after day 39, I’m gonna fucking miss you. On day 40, 41, for many days after, that feeling won’t change. Even if I never text you. Don’t take that the wrong way.

Just know you made an impact on me in 39 days. And how you were treated on days 35-39 is how you deserve to be treated for a lifetime. (Honestly maybe days 1-39 actually because I was pretty amazing)

39 days later is goodbye.