On a hot, sun-drenched street, amidst the bustling waiters, I congratulated my sister Gracie at a summer cafรฉ. Above us, a man and a woman in that utterly traditional, and therefore charming, pairing, only the nasal voices of Yiddish singers filled the air.
In the strange morning damp of shampoo scents and oceanic sighs, a womanโs hand rested on my shoulder, and then the rest of Miley Cyrus appeared: she wore a sheer boho dress, black polka-dot panties, and Mickey Mouse Crocs.
โMy album came out half a month ago. I check your Telegram, and itโs full of some bullshit about Russian toddlers no one outside your village even knows!โ
โOh my God, Miley, my brotherโs been really busy lately!โ
โI invited you to the afterparty for Drakeโs concert, but you said you were in Russia, and then you went to see Lilo & Stitch at Quad Cinema!โ
โMiley, your new album sucks, okay? Claire, Gracie, and I bought champagne and Parmesan, had a pillow fight, and wanted to put on Miles Davis, right? But Claire was soย un peu รฉmรฉchรฉย that she mixed up Miles Davis with Miley Cyrus; in the end, we just fell asleep to your generic pop boomer-jams, and when we woke up, the champagne and Parmesan had expired. Thatโs how much your album means nothing!โ
โEwww, generic popโฆ champagneโฆ God, my nephewโs channeling his momโs snobberyโฆ already reread Oscar Wilde, right?โ
โOh my God, Miley, relax!โ
โAlright, little toddlers, finish your milk, right? And next week, I want a review of my album on your channel, but not like that puke-worthy Pitchfork or that idiot Anthony Fantano, you know? I mean aย realย cool review, BIG DEAL! And Iโm also waiting for four articles supporting Palestine and abortion rights, two or three articles on objectification, and some dirt on Sabrina Carpenter, that bitch pisses me off!โ
โBut Palestine is against abortion,โ Gracie noted.
โI donโt give a damn, you know? Just write that shit from my perspective, like itโs my stance, right?โ
โMy brother only writes from his own perspective.โ
โGod, sweetie, our culture has long reached the point where that doesnโt matter.โ
โIt matters to authors who choose a path of sincerity with their audience.โ
โBlah, blah, blah. Sincerity is just another marketing ploy to sell more sincere crap.โ
โI think weโve strayed from the topic,โ I observed.
โThe only difference between me and you is that I donโt wear a monocle and donโt talk like a pretentious asshole, and Iโm sure your brother dreams of being inside our pop culture, but heโs above that, right?โ
โYouโre right, Miley, I have no love for modern culture, but I am a part of this culture, its prodigal son, and I use all the benefits of this culture against itself, and that makes my position even more relevant.โ
โThatโs the dumbest thing Iโve heard today. Please tell me itโs a joke post.โ
โIโll say the same thing as you. In our time, it doesnโt matter.โ
โBrother, why not leave an island within this pop culture for lovers of complex and independent music?โ
โFriend, you mean for smelly bores?โ
โThere are already enough contenders for the role of ark builders, and Iโm forced to agree with Miley, their music is as stuffy as a moleโs ass; I wouldnโt want to be in the same room with them. With the transition of culture from elitist to egalitarian, the mass man appeared, demanding mass culture, and those who released albums titled โI AM NOT COMMERCIALโ ended up doubly ridiculous, because their non-commercialism appeared within and thanks to commercialism, and even my beloved Tsoi in my homeland fell into this trap โ all his protest was fake from the start.โ
โBrother, youโre repeating my stance, fighting modern culture is meaningless. Itโs not your concern.โ
โNothing has meaning, sis, and youโre right, Iโm not a hero; letโs leave that privilege to the blissful fools. However, we clearly see what a ridiculous state culture is in, and even if history has no direction, we can somehow have fun: weโll exchange our stuffy principles for the magic wand of total nihilism, pushing modern culture to the maximum point of absurdity, where itโs impossible to track where personality ends and image begins, where sincerity ends and a joke begins, because itโs all one big performance that will destroy itself. Minus times minus equals plus.โ
โGod, you guys are so fucked upโฆ my head hurts. Please bring me a glass of milk, just not to the music from A Clockwork Orange, or Iโll go insane.โ