UBWFC

After 180 days of waiting to finally feel the sweet softness of AstroTurf beneath our boots, Mrs Rona finally gave us the opportunity to play some football. Having received our free Jaeger samples from Asha's housemate, we were in high spirits. For the first game back we were rushed to start play with our beloved Lucy absent, however Georgia thankfully led the team. The sun was beaming down on us, almost like it was a sign… (spoiler, sadly we lost lol.) With a tense start to the match, the other team had cheerleaders which only pushed the subs to scream louder and cheer on DEV more (but seriously can we get some pom poms aswell!) Emer started off with a great shot on goal, which unfortunately missed. But for a long time away from playing, communication and play was strong. The other team took a shot but was blocked by star goalie Dani, which wouldn’t be the last time she would make a fantastic save. Next up, a smashing goal from Emer, along with consistent great pressure from Eloise and Eliza. Eloise with a brilliant free kick up next and a strong clear from Eliza. Emer scores yet again leading to the half time score of 3-2 to the other team. A quick team talk and wise words from Georgia, we were back playing on the pitch. The ref was very fair and we had high hopes to bring the game back. Strong communication from everyone and smooth passes from Ruh and Liv throughout, with possession seeming very much 50/50. Lucy took a ball to the face (ouch!!) but it was not in vain, as Dev played as strong as ever. Dani providing consistent saves throughout the whole match, who knew she was such a natural in those black padded shorts? Zartasha and Asha not only had rhyming names but were solid players on the pitch. With another great free kick from Eloise and the match drawing to an anti-climatic finish as a girl on the other team injured herself just before the end, the final score was 4-2 to the other team. For the first game back and despite only 1 training session beforehand, we played a great game. With such nice weather, nothing was going to break our spirit so we couldn’t part ways just yet, beers in the park anyone?

Squad: 

Danni Mckeown 

Georgia Dimdore-Miles 

Eliza Wren 

Liv Walters 

Asha Eborn 

Eloise May 

Emer O’Kane 

Lisa Wellsford Van Vroenhoven 

Lucy Mahony 

Ruh Bukah 

Zartasha Khattak

Last Saturday, the development team arrived at the Bristol Brunel Academy for their first match of the season against Bananas. Thanks to rona, the commotion had started days before the match with changing problems and transport arrangements but Lucy had everything under control like a pro.

The match was off to a great start with Liv in goal after an 8 hour shift in ‘satan shoes’. We started off with a strong 3-2-1 formation with some new faces in the defense and strike. Bananas initially dominated the game and we were put under pressure but we had a strong defense, some beautiful clearings from Eliza in the back and amazing saves from Liv. Bananas definitely had it out for Eliza, leading to multiple freekicks. Many shots were fired towards the goals from the Bananas, fortunately, none went in thanks to the strong tackles by our defense and some mind-blowing saves by Liv. Eliza took an amazing shot on goal but unfortunately the ball found its way to the goalie. Many corners were saved by the Bristol Queens. Eliza’s AMAZING clear brought it to the end of the first half.

The second half commenced with no goals from either of the teams. We changed up the formation to a 2-2-2 to push forward and attack more. Bananas were putting a lot of pressure and fired multiple shots at goal unfortunately one of their attempts was successful. 1-0 Bananas. Bristol kept their heads up only to put even more pressure on attack. Some amazing passes were being played around the opposition. A great opportunity was created with a nice run from Jas, but they gained possession again and the referee proceeded to get smashed in the face with the ball (poor ref). Luckily Banana’s aggressive plays gave us multiple free kicks. Finally we were able to capitalise with Ina managing to land the ball in the net just in the last minute of the game!!! Full time 1-1.

Player of the match: Liv Goodwin

This year we thought we mix things up all lil bit and test out the writing ability of some more of the club. We will be posting more blogs about a range of stuff that might interest you lot, so you get your weekly UBWFC literary fix. If you hate it blame the authors ;).

 If you have something in mind you might want to write for the blog let me (Georgia Dimdore-Miles) or Tegan Trowbridge know!!

Kat Biggs, 2nd team captain

Hi, I’m Kat and I have been part of the UBWFC family for the past two years. Having never properly played 11-aside football before starting University I was really nervous to join the club. I still remember walking up to Coombe Dingle for trials feeling completely out of my depth however as soon as I got to the pitch the girls were so welcoming and made me feel at ease. I started off on the bench in the second team and from there have developed and grown as a player over the last two seasons and am now captain of the 2s. Training with the girls three times a week, you quickly get to know each other, and you soon start to feel like a family. My favourite part of the week are Wednesdays as everyone is hyped and pumped heading off to their matches and no matter the outcome, we all come together as a club at the end of the day with smiles on our faces ready to sing ‘Last Request’ and ‘All I Ask’ at the top of our lungs. Another highlight of my year is the annual UBWFC Christmas dinner hosted at Racks which sees the whole club come together to enjoy and evening of good food and good company.  

Over the last two years I have seen the club grow and develop into the club it is today. From the different themed socials to training in the pouring rain on a Friday evening, I’ve loved getting to know the girls both on and off the pitch. UBWFC has definitely been a highlight of my time at university and I’m just glad that I get two more years of it!

Lucy Matthews, Social sec and 3rd team player

Joining UBWFC was without any doubt the highlight of my first year! The club was so welcoming and helped me really find what I loved about uni and made me stick it out! I joined not having played football for the past 6 years and felt right at home, so whether you play every week or have never played before you’ll definitely find a place within the club! The weekly socials were a great way to get to know people in the club and to extend my fancy dress wardrobe (and there will be many more of them...) Some of the funniest moments were had at training and matches and it’s always fun to have a bit of a competition midweek!  I can’t wait to get back playing, dressing up like a fool and welcoming brand new faces!!!

Lucy Pilkington, Development Captain

Hiyaaaa, I’m Lucy I’m currently captain of the development team at Bristol. So last year I came to uni never really having played a sport properly before and I knew that with my uni lifestyle of lots of going out and lots of pizza I needed to get involved in something to counteract that, however, as I had never played football competitively or seriously before I was extremely worried about what to expect coming in at such a beginner level. However, my worries were quickly put to rest when I went to my first give it a go session and absolutely loved it. The girls were so welcoming and warm and made me feel so at ease with the fact that I wasn’t experienced in the slightest. I was encouraged to play a match straight away even though I was convinced I wasn’t good enough; however, I did and haven’t looked back since and have had the most amazing year in the club. Not only are the dev girls amazing but the club as a whole are so welcoming, no matter what team you’re in. I’ve had the most amazing first year in the club and cannot wait for this year with them, if you’re thinking about joining then I could not recommend it enough!

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining bright and Amy Brook’s pride flag was battling against the wind. The 1s were playing the top sports uni in the country so everyone was excited for what they knew would be a great game (except the 1s actually having to play the match hehe). Arriving at coombe you wouldn’t be mistaken for thinking you’d walked into a press conference. Loughborough decided they wanted to sprawl not one, not two, but THREE cameras across the entire chicken shed. Not on Ella Salusbury’s watch. This social media sec wasn’t sacrificing her own content and swiftly told them to move along. Back on the pitch and Bristol were ready to battle………………. except Amaia who broke her thumb in the warm up but kept it on the down low x nice x

Bristol started off strong and Sophie made an impact instantly, bringing the ball under control with her chest only to wind herself in the process. Her rock-solid abs must have punctured the ball because the ref quickly swapped it for a more inflated one. Henna showed her adaptability and versatility in her new centre-back position, sweeping up Loughborough through balls and knocking them back up the pitch. Taken aback that they weren’t the best, Loughborough resorted to constant pushes in the back which the ref failed to give, one even sending poor Nancy tumbling to the floor. What more evidence did he need for a foul????????? Even more drama followed shortly, with Henna going in for a header only to be brought crashing back down to earth. Assuming she had collided with Anna, but it later being revealed it was Nancy (the blood on her ear was a giveaway), we feared our Henny Penny would be out of this match before it had even begun. With Bill unable to run to her rescue because of his ankle injury, lovely lady Laura kindly sprinted over to deliver Henna some water. After a check by Bill, Henna and her new fat lip were ready to go again (people pay good money for lips like that babes).

Bristol were not short of chances, with a ball from Stella to Sophie looking promising only for it to be called offside. Liz was making the Loughborough defence work hard, whilst Stella was taking on multiple players at the same time. Her and Sophie were linking up nicely, playing around Loughborough’s wingers, even playing 1-2s off them. At the back Laura was clearing free kicks from safety, and even taking some belters of her own. Phoebes throw ins were phenomenal, travelling for miles. All this great football had Tyler thinking about career options and led her to approach the Red Bull team at half time asking for a job. Back on the pitch and the supporters could FEEL a goal coming; a hell of a ball from Keira found the feet of Liz who races it forward, but is tackled at the last minute. Ash was doing well to hold Loughborough outside the box, and anything that came over her petite head was headed away by Laura. Stella continued to give the audience a skill school, swooping in to help Sophie’s BFG number 12 who was literally 7 times her height. Stella performed step overs even Ronaldo would be proud of, fooling Loughborough, and then megsing one. A ball to Sophie had the audience screaming. She was THROUGH and one on one with the keeper but her shot takes a deflection and rolls just wide of the post. The frustration is real as Bristol just cannot find the net. Down the other end Amaia is doing BITS. A Loughborough corner is played in and it looks like its rolling in. There’s gasps from the audience. Amaia leaps onto it at the last minute, with two safe hands on it. Loughborough contest that it went over the line, sorry not sorry we have such a fabby keeper. HT 0-0.

The opening of the second half saw a few technical difficulties. In a filming switch over between Becky and Vicky they realise they may or may not have forgotten to press record. Oops. Just a few minutes into the second half Loughborough win a penalty putting them ahead. 1-0 Loughborough. Bristol do not give up and are continued to commit everything they had. Some excellent slide tackles from Henna and Stella, and Nancy heading everything out the way, Bristol looked set to make a come-back. Amaia was as strong as ever in goal, dealing with one on one’s fantastically. Nothing was getting past her. An effort from Keira was offside, and another through ball to her is a little too heavy for her to chase. It’s not Bristol’s day and so Bill decides to shake things up. Camilla comes on for Ash and Emma on for Keira. Bristol’s effort for a goal is worsened by the big fat time-wasting giant wotsit Loughborough goal keeper who thinks she’s out for a dog walk every time she goes to retrieve the ball. Back in the Bristol half and a Loughborough free kick (HIGHLY contested by an angry Phoebe Tate) is played into the box and flew towards the top left-hand corner – but someone seemed to forget which team they’re playing for and a Loughborough player rises up and heads it over the bar. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Nice clearance thank you so much. Loughborough were playing DIRTY, with someone taking Liz out so hard her headband fell out!!! Bill then sent Henna up to join Anna, Stella and Nancy in the middle leaving three at the back :O :O Worried about this new formation, Phoebe resorts to catching the ball in between her legs, wrapping them round the ball, and keeping the ball safe that way. Not sure that’s how it works babe xx Before Henna has a chance to settle in in the middle, a Loughborough through ball catches everyone off guard and is fired into the back of the net. 2-0 Loughborough.

With the treacherous rain, and the seconds ticking down, Bristol knew there wasn’t much time left and the pressure is on. Nancy was falling over her own feet, and shots from Henna and Stella were going just wide. Nancy was putting in tackles left right and centre, but Loughborough found a way past and looked set to make it 3. BUT NOT ON AMAIA’S watch. She had been fantastic all game and was until the end. Amaia comes out, taking on the girl one on one. She puts her body on the line and jumps high to block the shot. YESS AMAIA. On that note, the whistle goes. FT 2-0 Loughborough. Not quite the cocky 10-0 you ladies predicted on your Instagram story was it wheyyyy.

Squad: Amaia Emmerson Phoebe Tate Henna Butcher Laura Barrett Ashleigh Guest Nancy Gilmartin Anna Cairns Stella Gandee Morgan Sophie Price Elizabeth Robinson Keria Madden Ellen Brown Niamh Carty Camilla Sameur Emma Thill Simone Yumeng Lin Player of the match: Nancy Gilmartin Dick of the day: Loughborough - for invading the chicken shed, for having a time-wasting keeper, and for getting overly cocky on the gram x

On a hypothermically cold Tuesday night, UBWFC’s development team braved Coombe to take on the medics, for the third time. Having memorably won the first match, then drawn the second, there was a strong desire among to squad to regain victory once more. Without Asha playing we weren’t suffering any hangovers for once. However, Lisa did inform everyone in the changing room that she had not slept last night and couldn’t have a coffee for rejuvenation as she finds it ‘slightly spicy’ ????? who knew there was a UBWFC member WORSE with spice than Becky and Laura!!!!! Playing 9-aside in a 3-3-2 formation, Juliette and Val made their Dev debuts, playing on the left and right wings respectively. Lucy Pilkington had the honour of going in goal first half, which saw her commanding and cheering the girls on from the net. Becky’s pre-match talk and inspirational quote – ‘It’s a beautiful game’ – was clearly effective as from the moment the whilst blew Dev were performing miracles. Darya, clearly undisturbed by her fellow medics chanting ‘snake’ at her, was playing some lovely balls from defence through to Juliette, who dribbled the ball forward with ease, putting in some threatening early shots. Claudia showed her strength on the ball playing in centre-mid, however tragically managed to injure herself within the first 5mins. We all wish cripple Claudia a speedy recovery. Dev battled on, with Eliza coming on as a substitution and following Becky’s command to ‘please score a goal’ by slotting one in on her second touch! 1-0 Bristol. Lucy had very little to do (other than avoid catching hypothermia) as Hannah and Becky worked between them to clear any medics attempts on goals. The medics were clearly growing frustrated at our constant press, with Val winning tackles on the wing and passing with precision to Lisa who was playing with a fierce passion upfront (though fortunately not as fierce as last time when she kicked a medic in the head). Dev’s energy was relentless, and Zoe’s footwork upfront led to her swerving round a medic defender to smash a beautiful shot into goal just before half time! 2-0 Bristol.

After a quick team talk, consisting as always of Ina’s favourite phrases ‘yes lads […] mates we got this! Yes football!’, Dev were ready to continue their rampage. Becky switched into net, with Lucy replacing her as right-back. Hannah moved into a more midfield position, though showed herself to be the true Virgil Van Dijk by sprinting back to clear any threatening balls. Juliette was clearly not affected by debut nerves and she put in various crosses and shots on targets, but these were sadly saved by the medics’ keeper. Ina’s pace help drive dev forwards as we dominated in possession. This led to Becky having absolutely nothing to do in goal, hence she attempted some burpees to stay warm. Unfortunately, she forgot the ground was wet as, mid jumping into the air, both her feet slipped from below her and she fell flat on her face, injuring her back. Stick to star jumps next time… (or just concentrating on the match??) Meanwhile, Darya and Eliza were linking up beautifully upfront, winning several corners for Dev which were well-taken by Ina and Zoe. Another goal was clearly on the horizon, and 5mins before full time Zoe slotted home another beauty to make it 3-0 Bristol!! Just before the final whistle Eliza, clearly wanting some more attention, decided to hold the ball between her legs whilst attempting to run and then falling flat to the floor. In a confusing turn of events, the ref awarded US a free kick on the edge of the box which was narrowly missed by Zoe. Thanks Eliza? It was a fantastic game, with brilliant teamwork, skills and determination from Dev. Commiseration on the loss medics, hopefully you’ve learnt how to fix broken hearts! Squad: Ina Leonetti Claudia Grace Darya Shiri Eliza Wren Hannah Davies Juliette Decronumbourg Lisa Wellsford Van Vroenhoven Lucy Pilkington Valentina Coello Zoe Ibbotson Becky Bealing Player of the match: ‘everyone xoxoxo’ aka a COP OUT FROM BECKY BEALING Dick of the day: Becky Bealing (see muppet of the week) (double whammy) 

The commotion started before the match even kicked off, with the netball team refusing to change their kick-off time so we couldn’t share transport, leaving us to make our own way to the fixture.  We arrived at the ground to the treat of being able to warm up on the pitch rather than the patchy square of grass we were offered last week. After a motivating tactical talk from Dean (no whiteboard this week however, very disappointing) we went in for a huddle which consisted of a very passionate opening chat by Liv Rae (snakes don’t hiss they try to steal your captainship) before we got ready to kick off, only to be slightly delayed by the ref requesting a few rogue earrings to be removed.

With Jess winning the toss we swapped ends, so the wind was on our side for the first half, hopeful of it giving us an advantage to get an early goal and put Gloucester under pressure. Bristol was strong from the offset however there was a lot of play in the Bristol half, with Ellie doing an amazing job of sweeping up balls that were continuously crossed over to Gloucester’s right winger, who was quick down the side but no match for Ellie who was quick to send a returning ball up to Lizzy who made a cracking run towards goal.

Unfortunately the ball was lost out for a Gloucester throw-in.  By this point a fair few supporters for Gloucester had turned up, causing a lot of noise from the side-line. With several comments being directed to Chloe who was running the line at the time, flagging the endless number of offsides being made by the Gloucester striker. However, with the ref clearly uninterested by the offside rule it left a lot of running to do for Liv and Tegan down the right side of the pitch, stopping several potential crosses into the box. As expected, as the first half progressed the Gloucester keeper was back on her BS with time wasting and therefore with Emma having to work overtime to close her down it led to a call of fresh legs with Rosie coming on. With Rosie fresh on the pitch she made a lovely 3 touch volley move before sending the ball upfield into space, leading to a collection of whistles from the Gloucester supporters (which she doesn’t like to brag but it was her PB).

Bristol really upped the intensity with Camilla and Ella working tirelessly in the middle to close their players before sending some lovely balls through to Simone who used some fancy footwork to press past a Gloucester defender before passing out to artsy who worked wonders running down the right wing however always being faced with good old destiny the Gloucester defender who always popped up to save Gloucester’s arses. With several Bristol corners, Kat pushed up to try and get a head on the ball however even with the ball dropping onto the goal line from one corner we just couldn’t seem to find the net before half time.  HT 0-0

Coming back out into the rain we realised how challenging the wind would be in the second half. However, Ellen made several amazing saves in the second half, as Gloucester took several long-range shots trying to take advantage of the wind. With Jess coming back on to make such an impact in the middle, play making by sending passes out to the wings, with Chloe running on to make moves towards goal. However, Gloucester were keen on pinging balls over the top which Bristol solidly defended with Kat moving in to make several headers, at one point saving a shot with the back of her head! However after a good passage of play by Gloucester, Bristol found themselves nearly conceding a goal with the Gloucester play heading for a one on one with Ellen however Tegan came in for a last ditch tackle and so for the time being we kept a clean sheet.

However, it wasn’t long before a shot (attempted cross with the aid of the wind lets be real) from a Gloucester midfielder made its way into the back of the net. Bristol 0-1. Liv had to take several throw ins down the left side however was getting very frustrated with the ref’s precise request on where it was being taken. Despite this, Jess made some great overhead kicks from said throw ins and led to yells from Gloucester players to “keep her boxed in, don’t let her turn”.

Camilla was working tirelessly in the middle to win the ball and start some attacking movements towards goal, but it wasn’t long before Gloucester were on the attack again and a far out shot from a Gloucester Midfielder lead to Ellen having to make a cracking save, getting her fingers to the ball and pushing it over the top of the net. As the frustration increased Arty clearly decided football just wasn’t going to cut it, so in an attempt to score full on rugby tackled a Gloucester play, luckily the ref was a bit soft, so we got away with it :O

As the game progressed Emma made some incredible runs through the middle of the pitch, running around about 5 Gloucester players however Bristol just wasn’t able to capitalise in the final third and as the game drew to a close with only 2 minutes left we had a last ditch attempt to score a goal with a cracking corner in from Lizzy but after some commotion In the box it was back in the keepers hands and true to her typical form she time wasted her way to the last few seconds of the match.

Squad: Ellen Brown Liv Rae Tegan Trowbridge Kat Biggs Ellie May Haines Ella Salusbury Camilla Sameur Jessica Mortimer Lizzie Moisan Emma Thill Gemma Moore Arty Denton Chloe Doobay Rosie McGahan

 Man of the match: Kat, for being ‘solid’ (Dean, 2020)

Dick of the day: Their keeper for being a time wasting b*tch and their player who was sulking on the side whilst serving her WELL DESERVED 3 match ban for kicking beautiful Ellen in the face last week

After Becky Bealing making the ambitious statement that this could in fact be the strongest development team ever to arrive at Brunel academy we were feeling cocky. Luckily for us, as we stepped onto the pitch we spotted our ref and our egos instantly deflated. Having had him before and experienced his university student hating refereeing we knew this wouldn’t be an easy ride.

We got started and built pressure immediately, shots were fired at goal by Zoe, Eliza was putting in strong tackles and Georgia making aggressive runs. The ref looked upset. He didn’t want us winning and proving that education is a good thing. The result: a blatant goal from Darya disallowed that everyone saw cross the line. Mr Angry Ref man seemed to ignore the fact the goal keeper had to practically free the ball from the netting to clear her goal kick. GRRRRR. Dev were angry.

Luckily we didn’t give up hope that easily, with Asha and Jas providing a solid defence the ball was cleared and Liv came running down the wing again looking threatening. Becky held her breath, she felt more tense than she does when she misses development training to watch a Liverpool game. A shot was taken, and the ball soared over the line, but Mr Referwanker came along to disallow it again and crush all our dreams probably in the hope we drop out of university or something. Where’s the VAR or goal line technology, sir? The rest of the half was a blur, trying to fight back tears of frustration and injustice, who knows what happened. The other team did definitely score some goals though.

Half time consisted of calm, cool and collected Becky encouraging the team to keep our cool and act unbothered by the biased and AWFUL referee, and promised a strongly worded complaint after the match. With this new mindset in mind the girls went back out to prove that “every champion was once an underdog” – Becky Bealing (NB the worst quote ever said). With an impulsive reshuffling of positions, and nobody in their regular positions the second half was underway. Zoe drew the short straw and was goalie, little did we know she was actually David de Gea in disguise.

As the second half began, Eliza demonstrated her versatility across the pitch as she fashioned a shot out of nothing from the edge of the box, drawing a finger-tip save out of the opposition’s number 1. The opposition had an unlucky breakthrough leading to another unfortunate goal that even Zoe Schmeichel couldn’t reach.

A long ball back up the pitch gave Eliza the chance to cause even more chaos upfront, running rings around the other team and eventually smashing it into the back of the net, so hard even VAR or Mr Blind Ref couldn’t disagree with!!! The second half ended with the devs keeping up the pressure, making great blocks so many close shots. A great corner from our captain was just caught by the keeper, making our frustrations even stronger.

The half came to a close with a big sigh of relief from the ref as he no longer had to pretend to be blind. Some would say this game was more heart-breaking than the tarnishing of 27th June 2010 (when England lost the World Cup to Germany if you were baffed). Unfortunately the lack of goal line technology deployed at Brunel ensured the same fate to the Devs as every hopeful England fan a decade ago. If Frank Lampard was there, he would have been devastated.

Squad: Becky Bealing Asha Eborn Darya Shiri Eliza Wren Georgia Dimdore-Miles Jasmine Hynes Liv Walters Vicky Niemiec Zoe Ibbotson

Man of the match: Zoe for sensational goalkeeping

Dick of the day: Referee who is welcome to Becky’s £10 free Specsavers eye test before the next game

We arrived perfectly on time at the Gloucestershire grounds, only to see that the men’s cup match was still stuck on 0-0 and being played on the pitch we were supposed to play on. Kat managed to find a passageway to a public field where we were able to warm up, only to find out that the men’s match had gone on to extra time. To everyone’s delight, dogs were running around everywhere and two of them took a heightened interest in football, with Jess and Liv having some fun dribbling around them. We didn’t want to tire ourselves out so we proceeded to go watch the men play for a bit, seeing a beautiful goal (which was led a lot by the wind), meaning that penalties were not going to happen and meaning we could finally get in the zone. A little chat in the changing rooms before got everyone focused (and a bit scared), but the sun was out, and we managed to secure “the good side” so things were looking up.

Initially Gloucester were dominating the game, pressing high and getting the ball dangerously close to the goal. They got a first corner very early on and took a shot from far out, but luckily nothing came from it. After a little bit, Bristol finally get their head in the game (I definitely felt those intense Troy-like emotions in this match). We start attacking, pushing that high defending line of Gloucestershire back, with our midfielders sending off Emma on a few sprints towards the goal to show Gloucestershire that they can’t allow any mistakes. Quickly Destiny, former or maybe even current Bristol city gal (thanks for telling us Dean, btw, didn’t scare us at all), is moved to the defending line, with no less than 2 people always making sure none of those long balls can get passed to find Emma.

The goalie would use any opportunity to play only a few meters behind the defenders: taking free kicks from near the half line and always catching Emma off guard when she did manage to get passed the rapid Destiny. The cockiness of the goalkeeper became too much for her own good: Foot on foot between the goalkeeper and Emma from a bicycle kick from Jess had the ball bounce off in favour of Emma – she shoots at the goal. Unfortunately, a Gloucestershire player had managed to get to the goal line and get their head on the ball, which meant the score unfortunately stayed 0-0.

Bristol is pressing well, constantly finding Lizzie and Simone, who were doing bits running up and down those lines, creating major goal opportunities and unsettling Gloucestershire. Ella plays a free kick, which became dangerous for the Gloucestershire players with Jess having space to take a shot from outside the box. Unfortunately, the reminiscent of storm Ciara was not in our favour and carries Jess’ ball wide. Gloucestershire didn’t cease to challenge Bristol with many attempts at sending players and have shots at the goal. Unstoppable Ellen, though, manages to catch anything and everything coming her way (despite her paralysed thumb).

A Bristol corner becomes extremely risky for the Gloucestershire side, but Jess goes down – “pathetic” shouts Gloucestershire player. Calm down. It’s a head injury. Jess gets her own back, megs a player (lovely), the ball finds Emma NOT OFFSIDE BUT CALLED OFFSIDE - the lino, who plays for Gloucestershire, says it’s offside?? What?? A?? Shock?? Referee admits he didn’t see it. THAT is pathetic. Simone went off for a bit but comes back on for Emma. Lizzie is taken down which should have been a pen!! Then Chloe is taken down. Gloucestershire are starting to feel the pressure. A lot of fouls, foul mouths and foul throws in this team (EMBARASSING, learn how to throw).

In a struggle for the ball, a Gloucestershire player mistakes Ellen’s head for the ball, studding her right in the face and causing her mouth to bleed rivers of blood. She receives a yellow card initially, but her mouthing back at the referee sees her sent off the pitch with NO APOLOGY to Ellen and still DENYING that she kicked her face (most people know what a ball and what a face feels like). Gloucestershire 10 men. Swansea firsts turn up for their cup match to play after ours. Who knew they would be supporting us (“go on Bristol"). Simone plays a beauty of a ball down the wing which Rosie manages to get her foot on, crosses it in but it’s cleared out for a corner. Chloe is doing bits on the left wing, with her feet doing some incredible movements that has Gloucester players all over the place.

Lino Ella watches in awe as Camilla clears pretty much anything that is going via the middle even if it is with her nose (anything will do). Lizzie is on top form, loving it up front as a striker. She is running all over the place, confusing even poor Destiny when she comes running out of nowhere. This girl does not get tired (not that anyone’s complaining). Lizzie and Rosie are linking up well, but the keeper is just a step ahead every time. Lizzie manages to take a shot, but it goes wide. Gloucestershire are having issues getting past our solid wall of defenders. Tegan and Kat are clearing any ball that manages to get past Liv and Ellie (which are not many to be fair). Gloucestershire are relying heavily on two players that can only manage to dribble from one side of the pitch to the next but cannot find a clear path towards the goal. One of them takes quite a lot of long-distance shots, but in vain. Bristol is looking very close to a goal and a clean sheet.

Jess is loving the overhead kicks, sending multiple towards Lizzie. A Gloucestershire ball through the middle finds Kat’s head but Ellen can’t keep hold. Gloucestershire corner. It’s high and out, but a Gloucestershire player is down with a cramp FIVE YARDS FROM THE LINE and continues to lie there for another TWENTY-NINE MINUTES (at least) by the feel of it. They are the queens of time wasters. A Gloucestershire corner has too much weight on and Ellie sees it out for a goal kick, however, the ref gives Gloucestershire a corner (???). Just to our luck, this is when they somehow manage to get a weak foot on the ball and into the net. 1-0 Gloucestershire. Definitely did not see that coming, as we were dominating by miles. Very frustrating, but Bristol keep their heads high and get back into it straight away. Liv and Camilla are playing some lovely one twos around the opposition. Glos are still relying on their wide shots, one after the other, with no chance even coming close with Ellen holding them all safely.

Emma takes the wing for a bit, making long sprints down the line and manages to have a shot – unfortunately blocked by one of the gigantic defenders. Ellie, the cheerleader, at the back is shouting “go Emma we love you Emma yes Emma” whenever she’s making a run (much appreciated Ellie). Dean rearranges one more time with two strikers at the top for the last 15 minutes. Everyone is pressing high and desperate to get that well-deserved goal. Tegan is sweeping left, right and centre and Liv is making some lovely sliding tackles (teach me?), and playing up the wing, creating some amazing chances. Jess is playing some incredible balls out to Rosie on the wing, who crosses them in, but the keeper has them every time. Bristol’s football is top notch and beautiful to watch, but we just can’t get through before the whistle is finally blown. Full time 1-0 Gloucestershire.

Squad: Ellen Brown Liv Rae Tegan Trowbridge Katharine Biggs Ellie May Haines Ella Salusbury Camilla Sameur Jessica Mortimer Lizzie Moisan Emma Thill Simone Yumeng Lin Chloe Doobay Rosie McGahan Player of the match: Tegan Trowbridge - for ‘having a good solid game’ thanks great description Dean

Dick of the day: the Gloucestershire player that sliced Ellen’s mouth open and didn’t apologise. Your red card was well deserved

Last Wednesday saw the dreaded journey to Aberystwyth finally making its appearance. We had high hopes with our driver when he turned up on time, however this soon went downhill when he was surprised we were women’s football players and not ‘netball or volleyball’ players and then we sat on the bus outside the SU for ages because we had (what he described as) plenty of time to get there by leaving at 10am for a 3pm kick off.

Our journey to Aberystwyth was certainly one that we will not forget in a hurry (whether that is by choice or by being mentally scarred). The first horror was the emergency brakes, bags were rolling round the back of the bus and seatbelts were securely being fastened. Then came the rattling noise. After a few stops from the driver to see if he could hear it whilst we were stationary, he decided it might be a good idea to actually get out of the bus to see what the issue is. He then enlightened us that the ‘exhaust is falling off’ and called his friend (again) to have a joke about it whilst us girls searched up nearest garages in the middle of deepest darkest Wales because we were still 1 hour away and kick off time was getting awfully close. After finding many different options the driver came to the conclusion that the best thing to do was to soldier on, not our favourite option but we went with it. After what felt like a century and being followed by an undercover police van with its sirens on (!?) we slowly approaching Aberystwyth (we saw our first road sign after 4 hours yay) the driver decides that NOW is the best time to ask for the address?! Kat officially turned into his private sat nav and got us there in perfect Tom Tom fashion and we arrived with 35 minutes remaining until kick off (plenty of time yeah driver?!?).

It started off on a bad foot when Abba started to get petty about having to wear bibs as the home team (not our fault, we went inside out last time)- so after a long debate by Jess (who was obviously not backing down) and them borrowing all of our bibs, the line-up was Bristol vs a mixture of orange, purple and yellow bibs.

With the knowledge of 2 Bris fans in the crowd (courtesy of Kat) spurring us on, finally the game was underway. The ref seemed very laid back at the beginning, just giving the obvious foul throws that Abba kept trying to get away with, until Liv called for the ball using her own name. There was uproar. Bristol 2s obviously have a thing for deaf refs because he mistakenly heard ‘Liv’s got’ for ‘I got’ (maybe they’ve never heard the northern accent in Wales before) so this resulted in a free kick for them outside the box, but thanks to Ellen ‘safe hands’ Brown, of course we had nothing to worry about.

Ella’s corners were a thing of glory, with amazing high balls and powerful kicks going to the right place every single time. With the beautiful corners Bristol were able to bag their first goal as Ella’s corner goes to the edge of the box. Just after she kicked she began to apologise for the supposed miskick but before she could finish the word sorry Ellie volleys into the goal. With a team hug and celebrations for her first goal of the season (first goal ever actually), Bristol set off to get some more. 1-0 Bristol.

With strong defending from Liv and Tegan on the righthand side, nothing was getting through. Kat’s clearances were precise and powerful unfortunately one managed to make its way straight into Ella’s face. With Arty upfront, chances were being made with amazing through balls from Chloe and Jess and amazing crosses from Lizzie and Simone finding their way straight to Arty who was always in a space, unfortunately the keeper managed to stop the goals. Bristol’s first half consisted of many, many, many corners however no more found their way into the net to our dismay. Jess created the space and had a few chances on goal however they managed to find their way to the keeper each time. With a tactical swapping of sides by Simone and Lizzie, then with a few shots wide from Lizzie in her new position we found our way to the half time break.

After our first half, captain Jess decided we needed to rethink our formation to be more attacking however the ref had other plans and decided to only give us a 6-minute half time (maybe he was late for his tea?!) so we stuck with the same old and decided to push up a bit more.

On came our super-sub Amy, giving Chloe a break by putting her on linesman duty. When an Abba player refused to give us the ball for what was obviously our throw in, Ella walked up and decided to show her who was in charge, with what looked like was going to be a wrestling match, but the other girl quickly backed down. After Jess’s small formation change (aka attack more pls) most of the game was being played in Bristol’s attacking half, with our centre backs, Tegan and Kat, looking very bored and a bit cold. After a few chances on goal and a second lovely face shot (Ellie going for goal and managing to hit Amy in the face) another goal looked like it was on the horizon for Bristol. Ella and Amy had full control of the ball in the centre, controlling the attack and not letting anybody get past into our defending half.

Unfortunately, Arty had to come off injured with Chloe coming on and showing her versatility by playing like a pro on the wing. Ellen wowed us some more with her safe hands and we put some of our short goal kicks into play. Kat kept the play going from the back with some amazing passes to Ellie, which were then played on into the box. Liv was playing some lovely balls up the righthand side creating chances however each time we ended up unlucky. Finally we had a free kick, Ellie sent the ball into Ella who passed it gracefully onto Lizzie who was in the perfect position and sent a beautiful strike into the top corner of the goal net, the keeper had no chance. Bristol 2-0.

Our attacks on the goal kept coming, Liv sent a great ball over the top to Jess who controlled it like a pro with one touch and then struck it but unfortunately it went straight to keeper. With another chance from a free kick Simone headed it towards the goal but again it went straight to the keeper. With a bit of drama after Lizzie was sandwiched between players with the ball they took this as an opportunity to attack on our goal in the last minute, with Ellen coming out and taking out the player she was unable to grab the ball as well so Liv does a beautiful, heroic goal line clearance as it rolls towards the goal (definitely her favourite thing to do). The final whistle was blown but Ellen is obviously a better timekeeper than the ref because she realised he only played a 39 minute second half (including injury time!), but he was adamant he didn’t and there was no convincing him.

Summary after the game from Lizzie was that the ball was in the box a lot however we couldn’t quite find the strike to get it into the net. A very happy Ellie needed to do a quick phone call home to enlighten her mum with the news of the goal she scored in full detail before we even got back into the changing rooms. Finally we prepared ourselves for the long journey back to Bris however this time round we had the company of alcohol and the game ‘heads up’ (and trying to find somewhere to do a wee in the middle of nowhere).

Squad: Ellen Brown Liv Rae Tegan Trowbridge Katharine Biggs Ellie May Haines Ella Salisbury Chloe Doobay Jessica Mortimer Lizzie Moisan Artemis Denton Simone Yumeng Lin Amy Brickwood MOTM: all the team for being amazing and working well together

DOTD: the driver for his faulty exhaust

It was a sunny day in Bristol (unheard of yes) and the 3rd team feeling it in their fingers and in their toes…headed up to Coombe Dingle for their third and final face of with Southampton for the season. Bristol knew that had it in them to beat Southampton and today was the chance to prove it. (even if they were all slightly terrified about the size of the 3G!) Straight from the get go, Bristol were strong. It was clear that Bristol wanted it more, even though the Southampton kept shouting the opposite! As ever, Liv and Tyler were linking nicely and unstoppable down the left. Kaisa and Ailish played well together and making clear balls into the box and Bristol trying their hardest to get it in the back of the net…. There was nothing was stopping Bristol! It took Lucy a while to warm up and to remember she was playing football and not ice skating after her stumble that seemed to never end but, at least the rest of defence were strong. AJ and Estella were absolute rocks blocking out an attempt that Southampton made. Niamh made a brilliant clear which Tyler picked up and proceeded to kick it in the face of a Southampton player (what a shame!) and bluntly ask if she was okay before getting back to what really mattered. In the chance that Southampton did get through our defence, there was no need to fear because Rona was a machine in goal saving all their sloppy attempts at scoring a goal. A corner was awarded and Kaisa took pride in getting it into the box for Helly to attempt a bicycle kick (how many attempts is this now Helly?!) with the ball skimming the left post…. Bristol knew a goal was coming and they just had to keep working for it. Helly still working on winning her Oscar flopped to the floor in the hope of something coming from it, better luck next time Helly! Liv’s legs were moving at unstoppable speeds making sure she was always available every time. Southampton had a corner but it didn’t develop into much because Phoebe was there to clean up their mess, clearing the ball and making tackles all the way down the pitch. Eventually, half time came, with the whole team stating it was a very long 45 minutes. HT 0-. Thanks to Tyler bringing her famous orange slices, the team were ready for the second half. The size of the 3G wasn’t stopping anyone in the 3s today although it was the best game to have subs! With Niamh asking if anyone wanted to go in goal and tumble weed went through the group…. And at the threat of a random name generator Ailish volunteered and the rest of the team sighed with relief.   The second half commenced and Bristol knew they had to push forward now. Rona was out of goal and instantly cleared the ball down to Southampton’s end.  Helly chases the ball in from the wing and SCORES! BRISTOL 1-0!! Although not through a bicycle kick – it will happen one day Helly!! This goal is exactly what Bristol needed. Jodie was playing with the Southampton players and tricking her way around them, Imogen dribbling in and out of their players in the box and Ella was making amazing runs. Southampton were getting worried and started to play some sloppy tackles which resulted in free kick being awarded in Bristol’s favour. (Well Done Ella!) Into the last couple of minutes and Bristol continued to fight until the end! With a support team on the side, screaming their lungs off that there wasn’t much longer left, Bristol knew it wasn’t an option to lose it in the final few moments. Southampton knew there wasn’t long left and with their coach on the side encouraging them to do anything to get a goal, Bristol weren’t going to stop fighting!  The final whistle went and Bristol had done it, beaten Southampton FINALLY!  What a game and what a fight! The team stuck together like glue and supported everyone through the whole game (and someone’s bad mood – cough Lucy cough).  In the words of AJ “2020 is our year” and the 3s will continue to prove that in the remainder of their games! 

Squad: Rona Scarr Niamh Jenkins Estella Michail  Arshia Jain Lucy Matthews Tyler Lewthwaite Kaisa Ilmari Ella Billington Olivia Parkes Imogen Smith Helly Blyth Ailish Leiper Phoebe Coogans Jodie Meaton MOTM: Rona Scarr: being solid in goal for the first hald and solid in defence for the second half DOTD: Helly Blyth: side over head kick which went away from the goal (classic Helly)

After a questionable team talk from Becky that had Ella and ref Phoebe giggling, the Dev squad set out to live up to their cocky group chat name and “Beat the Bristol Medics” once more.

We were off to a good start with Vicky making some strong clearances from the back and Ina leading the defensive line. A Dev corner early on caused excitement but ended in a goal kick which was well won by Divya. Back in the Dev half, Eliza took on 3 players and set Tomoka up for a shot at goal which was sadly intercepted.

Good pressure from Lucy forced the ball out for a throw in. Ina stepped up to the challenge with a powerful throw in (Ellie you’ve got competition!) received by Vicky who forgot she was on a football pitch not a netball court, and stuck her hands up for an intercept. She made up for this error in judgement with a solid tackle that sent the ball back up towards the Medic’s goal, with Zoe also playing some lovely balls up the pitch.

Another Dev corner gave the Medics possession, but soon Lisa was dribbling back up the pitch, setting Tomoka up for a shot which fell just wide of the posts. More confusion about what sport we were supposed to be playing (some of us are new to the sport to be fair) meant a throw in from Eliza was met by handballs flying left, right and centre.

Divya and Vicky were linking up well together in the middle, but the no offside caught Dev off-guard and medics made it through (luckily they missed!). Eliza made some great clearances up to Zoe who took a shot forcing the keeper to dive to the ground. The ball went wide to Tomoka who crossed it to Zoe, and she smashed it into goal (unfortunately right at the keeper). Another corner gave Bristol yet another chance but again it went straight into the keeper’s hands.

Motivational words from goal kept spirits high despite the frustrating scoreboard with Jas shouting “DEV YOU’RE SO GOOD AT FOOTBALL” every few minutes. A free kick for the medics was expertly saved by Jas diving dramatically to the floor and quickly moved back up the pitch by Claudia who managed to slot it through the legs and get around 3 medics singlehandedly. Despite the impressive pressure on the Medic’s goal, an incredible ball placed by Claudia into the middle of the box was met by no one and at halftime the score was still 0-0.    

After Becky’s half time pep talk was hijacked by Ina with her “constructive” criticism, Dev took to the pitch for the second half with renewed vigour (thanks Becky for the inspiring one liners). Jas volunteered to stay in goal for both halves (what a selfless team player, definitely not just because she couldn’t get her trackies off over her astros) which meant more motivational slogans/abuse were in store: “COME ON DEV! STAY AWAKE – I MEAN STAY SWITCHED ON!”.

Phoebe seemed to forget she was not playing and couldn’t resist getting near the ball. A solid header from Christina was followed by Becky falling to her knees as if she’d been shot (Dev really going all out with the theatrics for this game). Yet another Dev corner resulted in a Medic handball - Bristol free kick!! An amazing strike by Divya came so close to a goal but the keeper just got her hands to it.

A lot of pressure from Dev and Eliza staying strong on the back line opened up some more chances but nothing converted into goals. Evidently not happy with being limited to conventional tactics, Lisa kicked someone in the head (it’s football not foothead, silly) but as Lucy said, “at least they’re medics” so no one was too worried.

Another strong save from Jas (who managed to stay on her feet this time) meant the scoreboard stayed clean and at full time ended at 0-0. Might have to rename the group chat. Squad:  Becky Bealing Anna Carolina Leonetti Claudia Grace Cristinia Aguilar Divya Dadlani Eliza Wren Jasmine Hynes Lisa Wellsford Van Vroenhoven Lucy Pilkington Shinto Tomoka Vicky Niemiec

Man of the match: Eliza for her rock solid back line

Dick of the day: Lisa for literally kicking someone in the head (although honestly we’re all slightly impressed she managed to get her leg up that high)

This match report may hold some inconsistencies seeing as it is being written months after said match, the entertainment factor, however, shall hopefully still be upheld.

The journey consisted of wholesome games of hangman, the sentence game, and Helly trekking past the rugby squad on the coach to get to the toilet in time to chun after her escapade in mbargos the night before.

We then arrived to pitch longer than the great wall of china, or as Welsh Niamh put it: “a f**k-off-massive pitch”.

Avoiding all parental advice of not accepting free drinks from strangers, we all happily received free red bulls from the opposing team, which after drinking it Lucy and Tyler had convinced themselves they had drugged our team, who were feeling extremely delirious.

The whistle had blown and we’d kicked off, their number 3 in particular kicked off as she verbally abused our entire team and also half of her own squad. Kaisa was amazing in goal, saving every shot under the sun (which was actually in our eyes for the first half as Niamh lost the coin toss, god sake Niamh)

Jodie then caught their strikers CLEARY offside, and their players got well aggy at her despite doing her job in a professional manner. It was a very equal match up until the 40th minute, with Liv putting in some rapid runs down the wing. AJ, Niamh, Rona, and Lucy in defence as strong as a Nokia, and the middle were as fierce as ever – Ailish, Ella, and Phoebe working well together. Despite AJ’s great pressure, their player, who was taller than the leaning tower of Pisa, scored a disappointing goal. They scored again at some point, and the half time score was 0-2 at half time.

Our half time talk consisted of us being very chilled and happy, despite the wrath of Winchester we faced on the pitch (they were really really really rude, scary, and all together not nice, apart from the one that Helly fancied). We kicked off again, Helly’s romance continued to blossom, she tried to convince our team afterwards that it was just because she was a great football player, but we all think it was the “lovely blue eyes” Helly said she had.

They scored again, probably a s**t goal because I can’t remember what it looked like or how it happened. 0-3

Winchester decided to verbally abuse another person, they chose the ref this time, probably because he was being fair and just doing his job in the best way he could.

One of their players literally just stacked it over the ball, there weren’t even any defenders there, like a full-on face plant. Was jokes. We were all surprised they didn’t call for a free kick to be taken, seeing as they did for everything else. Speaking of free kicks, Helly decided to dive after being slightly knocked, it was actually mildly convincing, yet it didn’t award a free kick. It did award, however, the Winchester spectators calling her a “dramatic little c**t”. Told you they were horrible!!!!

They scored some more goals???? Not sure??

HELLY SCORED A BELTER!!!! WE ALL WENT F**KING MAD (despite being like 6-0 down or something like that) BUT WE SCORED!!!!!!!!!!

Winchester tried to make a comeback and had a decent shot on target, but welsh Niamh put in an absolute cracker of a save, then passed it onto Estella who whipped it across to Jodie in the middle who skilled like ten billion of their players. She crossed it over to Helly who then got in between the legs of the girl she fancied, no not like that silly, she nutmegged her!!!

The match ended, and despite the loss we were all in really good moods. We also saw a puppy, which made the day for most of us, and then sang the high school musical soundtrack whilst waiting for the coach driver, who took longer than it did for us to score in this match to arrive to pick us up.

All in all, it was a fun match. Probably. Not sure, it was ages ago I can’t remember. 

This week saw the 2s FINAL match against a Swansea team this season, and it definitely ended on a high. Swansea had already started their day off poorly, turning up at 11:30am for a 3pm kick off, spoiler, their day was about to get worse…

We got out to the pitch to warm up and nerves were high with very little chat amongst the girls, feeling the impending doom of being crushed again by Swansea 1s. Perhaps this actually helped us get into the zone or was it Lexi our new unbelievably cute puppy mascot giving us support from the sidelines?? Kick off commenced and the girls started strong with a pushing Swansea being beaten by the brick wall which was Bristol centre backs Tegan and Kat. Ella was sending high balls to the left for Gemma who made some great dribbles down the side to push forward for Emma. Swansea continued to push forward, but they were stopped heroically by Ellen ‘safehands’ Brown who made a great save from a struggled Swansea shot. Liv was keeping balls safe on the right, pushing them for Lizzie on the wing. Giving Gemma a break, Clare came on with bundles of energy on the left wing. She immediately was making excellent movement alongside Jess and Camilla in the middle. This trio, linked with Ellie’s strong clearances and crosses into the middle, prevented the continuous Swansea attacks down the left.

Kat was being patient at the back with the 6-foot undercut Swansea striker (we all know the one) who made repeated attempts to dribble and shoot. But Kat had them all covered, blocking each and every one. This lead to a little frustration and tension from the player leaving the ref to intervene and have a few words with them both. At the other end of the pitch, Ella cleared a ball, delivering it to an unstable Emma who loses her balance and falls… “you can’t play football from down there” a Swansea player informs her. Childish but correct. Unfortunately it wasn’t her day; Camilla passed a ball through to Lizzie who dribbled down the right and passed it into Emma who was weirdly and uncommonly outpaced by the Swansea defender. Bristol continue their attacking efforts (something we never thought we would have a chance at given the last match against them). Jess flings a high pass to Emma up top who gives it to Camilla who makes a quick turn in the centre, tricking the defence and causing issues for Swansea in their box.

Simone and Chloe are brought on for Liv and Ella and a couple of Swansea corners cause issues for Bristol. However, they are dealt with well and provide the perfect opportunity for Camilla to show off her amazing slide tackle skills (please teach us), preventing another corner and sending it out for a throw in instead. All the action excited Dean so much he swallowed a fly… must have missed lunch!!! Half time 0-0.

Early into the second half Swansea win a free kick. Ellen has the goal covered and makes a great save, even giving the ball a smug little bounce afterwards (apparently unintentional but we’ll take it). Some excellent play down the middle between Simone and Camilla helps get the ball to Emma who takes a passing shot round the keeper and into the goal, but called offside!! This lino is so good and so not bias!! Apparently the ref’s deafness means he can’t make his own calls… but he can hear Jess’ comments. He calls both Jess and a Swansea player in and keeps it short and sweet… “CAN YOU BOTH JUST SHUT UP” (careful Jess we don’t want another sin bin). Chloe makes a dribble down the right, using great overlaps with Gemma. She crosses it in trying to find a Bristol shirt but her effort is cleared by the keeper. Swansea are pressing high, making moves down the right. They find the target but we get our own back and its offside!!

Into the last quarter Kat the solid centre back goes down and Ella comes on. Swansea are making a final push and pressing high with five up top and Bristol struggle to keep it out of their half. Two Swansea corners are bent like Beckham and curled into the goal, but Liv Rae puts her body on the line both times, amazingly saving them off the line with her brick wall of a stomach!! What a hero. Swansea are panicking and are desperate to score, but Bristol’s determination is too strong. Jess and Simone work hard in the middle and find Emma, who passes it onto Camilla, who brings it back to Emma (out of fear of being offside). Emma then dribbles past their defence and attempts a shot … but what’s that????? OFFSIDE. AGAIN!!!! EXCUSE YOU. Seriously ref sort this lino out!

Into the final minutes of the match Liv plays a beauty up to Gemma who runs the ball forward and takes a shot. The crowd wait in anticipation but it floats just wide. Bristol continue to work hard for the final stretch, with Ellie having to deal with two players down the left side. Ellie gives it to Tegan who delivers the ball up into the plenty of space Swansea have left from playing so high. Lizzie has so much time she takes it all the way to the 18-yard box. She cutes in and has a shot but its blocked by the keeper. Jess has paced it up to support and takes the rebound past the defenders but its caught by the keeper again. Swansea start to shout and are getting upset with 1 minute still to go, but the whistle is blown and the game ends. Bristol are ecstatic with the final score, an amazing game played by every single person and hard work put in from everyone. But it’s tears only for the Swansea players who can no longer win the league thanks to us… soz!! Full time 0-0.

Squad: Ellen Brown Liv Rae Tegan Trowbridge Katherine Biggs Ellie Haines Ella Salusbury Camilla Sameur Jessica Mortimer Lizzie Moisan Emma Thill Gemma Moore Simone Lin Clare Pemberton Chloe Doobday Player of the match: Ellie Haines Dick of the day: the Swansea sub running the line (cheater)

 Last Wednesday saw a Wednesday Night Lights and the deciding game in the southern prem. With Cardiff Met winning their game a few hours earlier, Bristol needed to win or draw to remain in the top spot…#stress

The crowds were absolutely huge. Around 140 people showed up to Coombe Dingle – including club members, flatmates and of course Laura’s dad. There was also an online following via the insta livestream coming from all over the world, Jessie Robbo in Australia, Ellie Vaughan in France, Sazza Crookes in Spain and Alice Shiner in Truro.

The game was underway, and Hertfordshire had an early chance, but it was shoved aside by Amaia. Hertfordshire continued to threaten Bristol and managed to meg Ash (oops), but don’t fear, Chey was there to cover. There were fabulous clearances from Big Nance and Laura’s beautiful head. Bristol began to gain control of the game and were pushing relentlessly into Hertfordshire’s half. The first of around a million free kicks was taken by Anna, where she whipped it into the box, only for it to go out for a corner (BOO). It appeared that Liz had been taking skills tips from the infamous Helly Blyth as she managed a bicycle kick straight into her own face. (Don’t worry Liz; the fact that you hit the ball means you’re one up on Helly already.) Trim, obviously stunned by Liz’s amazing skills, decided that she should try her luck in goal, randomly switching places with Amaia before realising she is not the keeper and getting back into position to help clear the ball.

Laura ‘the bun’ Barrett was provided with an opportunity and all the time in the world. She played the ball at her feet for the majority of Bristol’s half before playing a brilliant ball up the field. In a sequence of events we cannot recall, Bristol lost the ball and then gave away a free kick (again, the first of many). Now in Bristol’s half, an unnamed player (Laura) slapped the ball with her silly hand, but fortunately the ref didn’t see it!!! Meanwhile, on the side lines, Helly proceeded to tell the entire chicken shed group and the online viewers about her disgusting lasagne that she cooked after a night out (???!!) – if I remember correctly it consisted of tomato puree, garlic and mushrooms and resembled water, but you’ll have to ask Helly for the intimate details and the recipe!!

Back to the pitch, and Chey is giving everyone a skill school lesson, getting round 4 Hertfordshire players. The beauty continued with a ball from Henna to the middle of the field, described as ‘sex on a plate’ by Jess M. Sounds nicer than Helly’s lasagne LOL bants. Henna continues the play with a long shot on goal which floats just wide. Back to the chicken shed, and the security decides to ruin the atmosphere by stealing the tinnies that the supporters were drinking so sophisticatedly and subtly – no thank you Coombe!!!

The great balls continued to fly up from the defensive back 4 of Ash, Trim, Phoebe and Laura, with the attackers receiving them and passing them up to the Hertfordshire goal with ultimate finesse. With a vast amount of chances and some lovely football, Bristol couldn’t seem to bag themselves a goal. In sheer anger of the lack of goals, it appears that Laura had decided that the supporters were to blame, booting the ball right into the viewing platform in the chicken side, scaring the heebeegeebees out of the crowd!!! BE CAREFUL LAURA

During all the trauma, Hertfordshire scored what can only be described as the worst goal in history – much like the ones in FIFA when it just rolls in without any power, precision or skill. With a goal under the oppositions belt, and the recent loss of our drinkies (RIP), Bristol were feeling a little deflated, but the support was ongoing nonetheless, with some of the shouting and noises resembling ‘squealing pigs.’ 0-1 Bristol.

Another long ball over the top and their unusually rapid striker (steroids??), plus the lack of time for Bristol to compose themselves, leads to another goal for Hertfordshire, 0-2 Bristol.

Despite the score, Bristol continued to push on, firing shots away and pushing the ball up. A lovely shot by Nancy, after her signature tip toe run up, was saved by the keeper and unfortunately Liz couldn’t make it in time! Liz’s series of unfortunate events continued with a header from a free kick that just couldn’t find the net!!

Hertfordshire pushed for another goal, but it just wasn’t going to happen with Amaia guarding the goal. The play switched and Bristol attacked once again. This time, it was Anna’s time to shine with a mesmerising and delicious shot which was ONLY JUST tipped over by the keeper!! Stop being so mean Hertfordshire… HT 0-2 Bristol

With the second half about to commence, and with India having worked out which way Bristol was shooting, Bristol were quick to dominate and push for every ball, no doubt spurred on by a motivational half time speech courtesy of Bill. Nancy’s cross/shot dropped just behind the goal leaving everyone on the edge of their seats. Frustration was beginning to set in for Henna and Phoebe who were obviously hungry because they absolutely  sandwiched a poor Hertfordshire player. Did she deserve it? In the eyes of football Gods, yes.

Balls were flying in consistently, with one from Chey landing on the head of a Hertlessshire player, who nearly headed it into their own net, IF ONLY!! Stella and Anna continued to battle in the middle, chasing down balls and creating opportunities, only to be unluckily caught offside. The subs were getting ready, warming up and gyrating their hips. Striker, Liz, was replaced by Sophie, the super sub. GREAT GAME AMERICAN LIZ

With all the frustration mounting up, Bristol yet again, took out their anger on the supporters, smashing the ball, AS HARD AS LIGHTNING, into the chicken shed!! Junal, also known as the blind ref who went to India’s school #fwends , should have gone to Specsavers as he whipped out his big……..yellow card for our Henny Penny!!! WHAAAAAT??!?!?!??! (said in Liv Rae’s voice) A booking was not enough to stop Bristol from maintaining possession and the pressure on Hertlessshire. In, what has been reported to be her 4th free kick of the game, Stella kicked the ball with a kind of finesse the club has never seen before. It was almost in slow motion, as it sailed over the annoying defender, who didn’t understand that the wall could not be placed directly in front of the ball. It dipped at the right time and was so nearly a goal for Bristol that they so deserved. With tensions running high, Ash came off for some new legs, in the form of Niamh.

With time running out, Anna took it upon herself to blast the ball at the goal, the keeper caught it, but stumbled back, potentially crossing the line, yet it as denied as a goal!!! Absolutely criminal. (WE HAVE THE LIVE FOOTAGE IF YOU WOUD LIKE TO SEE IT JUNAL).

Bristol continued to fire off shots, with Sophie coming close to a goal. After running her socks off (check the lost property for those), Chey came off for Keira, who helped maintain pressure and create opportunities. Phoebe picked up the ball in Bristol’s half and strode down the wing, beating Hertlessshire players left, right and centre, then switching play and placing the box into the box in one foul swoop.

With the last 10 minutes underway, Hertlessshire were searching for ways to waste time. This came in the form of their number 4. I think we all know the one… Having already been booked by the ref for a horrific late tackle on our Henny Penny which caused Jess M to shout, ‘SEE YOU IN THE PARKING LOT’ (wrong continent babes), she clearly hadn’t learned her lesson, ‘heading’ the ball and proceeding to lie on the floor in ‘pain’ whilst ‘crying’ for approximately 2 minutes. After some harsh, but well deserved abuse, from the supporters, Junal grabbed Henna and brought her to chicken shed to reprimand the supporters for being rowdy and just having a giggle. He threatened us with an abandonment of the game. BOOOOO

The end was drawing nigh, but Bristol did not show any sign of giving up. All this came to a HEAD in the 92nd minute with a beautiful free kick from Stella, and a subsequent diving header from Henna, which sent the ball rocketing past the keeper and into the net. 1-2 Bristol. With the crowds in awe and screaming with joy, Bristol ran back to the centre, knowing there was only 40 seconds remaining for them to get another goal. After one last push, Junal blew his……whistle and with that the fight for the league title was sadly over. ☹ FT 1-2 Bristol

Despite the score and the 1s being understandably devastated, they have shown great ability and teamwork throughout the league, and after the promotion to the league only last year, they have so much to be proud of!! The team expressed their gratitude for the amazing support they received not only at the game, but throughout the season. We’d like to thank all of those who have supported the team and want to congratulate the 1s on their amazing performance. Their team spirits and passion for the club and the game are something to be admired. WELL DONE GIRLS, WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU <3 <3 <3 #rawr (I love you in dinosaur)

Squad: Amaia Emerson Phoebe Tate Emily Trim Laura Barrett Ash Guest Stella GM Henna Butcher Nancy Gilmartin Liz Robinson Cheyenne Denny Anna Cairns Niamh Carty Sophie Price Keira Madden Man of the match: Henny Penny (the one and only): for leading the team throughout the league and for showcasing her undeniable tekkers and passion. Also for her runs, headers, shots and for never giving up, mwah (xo) Dick of the day:Chicken shed fans: for nearly getting the game abandoned (we’re just passionate Junal!!)

Very almost delayed by the unexpected ice and Artic conditions, everyone arrived at the ASS on time, with the exception of Asha… you guessed it, hungover! Despite Darya not being a fan of the Bristol roads, everyone got to Brunel safely. Fortunately (and in contrast to Becky’s Facebook team sheet) Asha did not start on the pitch alone, with 6 others stood strongly beside her as the game kicked off. Shout-out at this point to Georgia’s Dad on the side-line who made us feel very supported, especially given that the opposition had brought half of Bristol to cheer them on. Bristol got off to a strong start, and I’m going to emphasise the word strong as Becky was decking people left, right and centre, moaning to the ref as to why there were getting free kicks.  We pressed high, putting the Femgineers under pressure and creating a great chance for Darya, which (tragically) hit the post. Unfortunately, the opposition played a ball through both the defence and goalkeeper Phoebe’s legs, going 1-0 just before half time. Whilst encouraging Bristol to keep their heads up, Becky turned around to see Asha bent over swallowing her own vomit  As the half time whistle blew, we gathered for an inspirational team talk from Becky, stating that the second half would be an ‘easy comeback’.

The second half saw Liv swapping with Phoebe to go in net and debut her brilliant goal kicks and sensational keeping skills (more to come on that!!). Bristol got off to a strong start creating chances again. Asha’s long throw-ins were redeeming her hungover state, with one of them reaching Becky in the box who imitated Helly with an overhead kick which saw the ball just go wide of the post! (Blame the wind!!) The opposition, clearly flustered by our skills and high press, then picked up the ball in their box in the middle of play (???). A penalty was awarded and Becky, despite having played as a defender until this season, ran forward to take it. Shock horror, it went straight at the keeper. Nevertheless, Bristol kept fighting with goalie Liv making an astounding fingertip save to tip the Femingeer’s free kick over the crossbar. Vicky was proving herself to be a threat across the pitch, pressing forward to snatch the ball of their defence and tracking back to put in some crucial saves. Luck was clearly on our side at this point, as a long throw from Phoebe ended with the opposition heading the ball into our net making it 1-1! We (Becky) SCREAMED with excitement, though had to quickly calm down remembering it’s not respectful to celebrate the misfortunes of others. After this point, call if karma perhaps, fate turned against us and somehow the opposition scored three goals. 4-2 Femgineers. Unfortunately, we had no subs to take match notes so the details of these goals will remain unknown.  All was not yet lost though as Georgia put in an absolute screamer of a goal, curling it in from outside the box into the top left-hand corner. Despite the loss it was a great first game back for Dev, with brilliant team play throughout the match.

Squad: Asha Eborn Darya Shiri Georgia Dimdore-Miles Liv Walters Vicky Niemiec Phoebe Tate Becky Bealing Player of the match: Georgia Dimdore-Miles - for scoring a screamer Dick of the day: Asha Eborn - for swallowing her own vom x

Last Tuesday, the development team braced the gale-force winds and freezing temperatures to face the Bristol Medics at Coombe Dingle in their last match of the term. With Becky living it up in Gdansk they were led to victory by their enthusiastic captain Tabbi powered by her last-minute ravioli. Despite the weather conditions, morale was high, and the dev team was ready to get on with “Beating Bristol Medics”.

The game started with a quick attack from the Bristol Devs, but the medics were also keen to de-liver a win. First timers Lisa and Lexie had to work hard from the get-go to stop the Medic attackers from getting to the goal, with some great clearances from both. As the game went on, Vicky was pressing in the middle, and Bristol had some very, very near misses on goal. A special mention must go to Hope, Imogen and Georgia for a great link up, where unfortunately, the finishing ball was just a bit too wide. Half-way through the first half Ina, Jas and Eliza came on for Hope, Lisa and Lexie to help maintain the pressure. The Bristol Medics tried to defend the Dev attack, kicking out the ball in shear panic, resulting in 4 lovely Dev corners taken by Ina. Defender, Eliza, also demonstrated some great play bringing the game closer towards the Medics’ goal, only falling over once during her great dribble up the right wing. This time it was a dramatic stop, drop and roll, tripping up to defenders on the way, whilst still managing to keep the ball in play. With the first half coming to an end, the Devs were desperate for a goal. A brilliant ball was switched to Jas, who started off a run towards the goal, giving it to Georgia who finished it off with a beautiful goal straight past the goalkeeper. 1-0 Bristol!

The second half started with the winning side hungry for more, with some strong play by ex-goalkeeper, Liv G, to bring the Devs forward right from the start. There was also some great play from half-time subs Charlotte and Liv W up top of the pitch. However, after a motivational half-time pep talk of their own, the Bristol Medics showed more determination than before to get a goal for themselves. Their number 2 got especially close, but luckily fluffed the shot. A quick turnaround and development were on the counter-attack – Liv W got her head on the ball, making it 2-0 Bristol. Right after the second goal, the Dev captain, Tabbi finally subbed herself on, but a confusing bib situation delayed play, as orange bibs seemed to be passed from person to person for no apparent reason… (most definitely not deliberate time wasting from the winning side hehe). In the final minutes, development laid off the pressure a bit, creating some space for Medics to shoot at the goal, with the ball slipping the hands of the second half goalie, Georgia, and rolling into the net, making the final score 2-1 Bristol. What a delightful way to finish off this term! 

Squad: Imogen Smith Charlotte Carver Anna Carolina Leonetti Lexie Counsell Hope Alexandra Georgia Dimdore-Miles Liv Walters Eliza Wren Lisa Wellsford Van Vroenhoven Vicky Niemiec Tabbi Candy Olivia Goodwin Jasmine Hynes

Player of the match: Liv Walters

Dick of the day: Georgia Dimdore-Miles - Georgia took a ball which was not yet in the goal, picked it up and placed it between her legs and OVER the line meaning development conceded, despite WICKET KEEPER being her position in the cricket first team squad (you’d think the ball would be in safe hands) ???????

After a rollercoaster of emotions debating the kick-off times with the Swansea captain, it was established that 16:30 would remain the time. Alas, with boxes of wine in tow, we jetted on down the motorway to the oh so familiar grounds of Swansea. We arrived a couple hours early, in good spirits as having played this team many times before, we were almost certain this was going to be a good match for us.

The whistle is blown and we kick-off on the pristinely kept pitch under the fairly ambient flood lighting. Jess passes the ball into the box, which is cleared by the keeper, but the attack is not over yet, as Lizzie chases down the line and gains a corner. Ella steps us and Jess fights for a head in the box, but it is unfortunately cleared.

After a series of throw ins, being both ours and theirs, Simona takes a shot on goal, but its slightly high. Bristol are first to the ball of the goal kick and Simona plays a lovely ball straight to Jess’ feet who takes a hard, low kick and scores bottom right hand corner! 1-0 Bristol. All within the first 10 minutes.

Our heads are straight back in the game with Simona pressing hard from the get-go and winning the ball back, eventually leading to us getting a corner. Ella takes again but it’s cleared, but with Kat and her magnetic head there is no ball too high or too hard to evade her. Swansea attempt to make a run down the wing, but Tegan and her rapid feet are there in all but a few seconds, safely removing the danger. A few moments later the ball is up in the air again, Jess heads a smooth ball to Clare who effortlessly crosses to Camilla; a series of fantastic events. Camilla controls the ball but the bodies in the box are piling up and she doesn’t get the chance to shoot.

Swansea are back on the attack for a matter of mere moments before Camilla interrupts swiftly passing to Ella, who takes a shot! On target but saved. Swansea keeps possession for a while and drive the play to Bristol’s box where they are graciously met by Ellen, clearing the ball a little bit too well. 3rd ball lost, oops!! (Good job we’re not losing our own equipment, eh Ellen!?) Bristol are quick to be back on the ball playing some good football. Lizzie gets a tad bit over excited and runs so fast that she is called offside before she gets her chance to shine. Swansea take their free kick, but Liv gets first to it and makes an effective pass straight into space for Clare who is unfortunately beat to the ball.

With Bristol working hard, the ball seems to be being played back and forth and at all ends of the pitch. Later in the game Jess clears their corner leading to Clare making a run, passing to Liv who shoots! Just slightly wide. Kat battles the counter ball gaining a corner. Lizzie steps up to the flag and crosses in but its cleared, but only as far as Camilla’s ready feet, who shoots again! Another on target shot but this keeper is not backing down! Liv and Lizzies enjoy a moment of telepathy as they aimlessly play a fabulous series of passes around all the players on the right, before being stopped at the final opportunity. Once again, Bristol is robbed of upping the goal count. Undefeated in her ball stopping ability Kat swoops in and gains possession for Bristol passing to Lizzie who shoots and misses, which is then followed by another shot from Jess M.

It’s the final 5 minutes of the first half and Bristol are on the ball, Ellie is powering through their midfield and passes to Clare, she’s one on one with the keeper and unfortunately the keeper wins this one again!

After a team talk from Jess, Bristol get their heads into the game and decide not to stoop to their level of ability, we know we can win this. The whistle goes off and Swansea are straight in, they make a few good passes and beat out a couple of our players, now dangerously close to the goal. Tegan and Kat put in their best efforts to stop the progression, but they are away with it. Ellen makes a play for the ball but falls and the goal is left open. They run the ball into the goal, 1-1, damn.

After some excellent play, Clare is subbed off for Chloe. Bristol play some good offensive football and Lizzies makes a run down the line crossing it in. The keeper comes out leaving the goal open and Camilla controls the ball passing it out to Chloe who takes a shot straight at the keeper. Jess is on the ball after a goal kick straight at her, passes up to Camilla who is now playing up at the top, and she takes a shot. Despite our best efforts we cannot get it pass this bloody keeper. Some time passes and its Jess on the ball again, she controls the ball on the edge of the box shoots! It hits the post and it’s in!! Oh wait, is it? Erm, whoops maybe not, celebrated a tad bit early there.

With her fresh legs, Chloe tries to turn on a player who isn’t too happy about it and is fouled. The minutes are dropping off this is prime opportunity for a free kick. Ella takes and it goes over the Swansea heads into the box but is cleared again! We cannot catch a break. We can almost taste the wine waiting for us in the changing room, but we are not ready to give up yet. We continue to press hard, but the games turned into a pinball match and no one seems to want to keep it on the ground, the clocks running down and tension is building, surely, we can get one more goal! It’s not the case though, Bristol has possession with seconds left, the whistle blown. Game over. Well played girls, we will get them next time!

Squad:

Ellen Brown Ellie May Haines Tegan Trowbridge Kat Biggs Liv Rae Ella Salusbury Camilla Sameur Jess Mortimer Simone Yumeng Lin Lizzie Moisan Clare Pemberton Chloe Doobay

Man of the match: Jess M – she wrote her own player of the match profile, so I quote “the goat, the legend, the warrior; for scoring a sexy goal and carrying the team on my back”

Dick of the day: UBWFC 2s – the box wine that the players longed for during the game proved to snake them more than Swansea did – a long journey home and the fear of missing out on the majority of pres led the team to play ‘slap the bag’ – a game introduced by THE ONE AND ONLY ELLA SALUSBURY – which left some players *cough* Jess *cough* drinking 3 litres of wine. It’s no wonder some fell on the floor, passed out before pres and threw up their guts #athletes