I don’t really use this site anymore because my accounts gotten flagged for stupid bullshit multiple times since tumblr went though on their obnoxious changes, but I’ll still use it to vent every now and then which is what I’m going to do tonight.
My life has been consistently kicking my ass lately. After getting laid off from a couple shit jobs in 2017 I just haven’t felt like I’ve been able to get a grip on my career. It’s the one thing that as a 19 year old kid, I thought for sure I’d be way farther ahead career wise than I am now and I’m just simply not there. I turn 26 this year. It’s fucking terrifying.
I make ok money. It’s not poor, but it’s by no means getting me where I need to be either. I joined the company for a friend who sold me Gabbys ring (I work in jewelry). Knowing the person he was at the time I knew he had a great rep, knew his shit, and was always great to me since my grandmother had worked with him for ten years and I knew him pretty well. I left my job where I was working a terrible fucking shift and getting over the top micro managed and took a leap of faith. I was promised a million things. The tools to succeed, get trained for management, seeing no problem how I couldn’t make X amount of money that year blah blah blah. It was all a bunch of bullshit.
First couple months in, I was killing it. By myself. By the time December ended I had racked in over 60 grand in sales just that month alone. This is someone who had only been in the business since late September and the only clientele I had were my friends. January rolls around and my boss started going through a mental breakdown. His other business he owned was tanking for various reasons, his relationship was going to shit because his now ex was a junkie and was hiding shit from him every way possible. He’d leave the store constantly, and when he was there, he was only there physically. His head was never in our business. There were days I had told him myself “Go home, we got this”. I had done everything I could to help him and my store get on track for that year because I promised myself we’d make it a million dollar store. From me going out in the cold weather to hang fliers for events, driving around dropping donuts off to different businesses to promote my store(if you haven’t gotten the general idea by now, my company doesn’t advertise except on Facebook which is another story), letting him borrow my BMW for a week while he looked for a new car because his Benz broke, literally driving all over Gods green earth to drop off repairs for clients who had a hard time getting out to the store in the first place, you name it I probably did it. We had an event in December which was meant to show we could bring people in. If I didn’t get all my friends and family to show up (they all did and a lot bought) it would have flunked so bad in front of my owner and GM that I probably would have been fired. I kept that store going until I literally couldn’t take it anymore. Between my boss not wanting to even try and me doing all the work, I told another manager that if I wasn’t moved or something didn’t change I’d start looking for a new job. I got moved to a new store and was told I’d do much better and I’d start getting trained for management. Yeah, I got maybe three training sessions. Thankfully my boss has a huge clientele and has taught me a shit ton. But as we stand right now a year later, I have never felt more shitty about myself than I do now
(Btw sorry for the huge spaces for the paragraphs tumblrs app fucking sucks). Anyways, I made my company a decent chunk of change last year and have been in the top ten sellers since December of 2017 except maybe two months. This business is brutal and although I’ve had a ton of friends buy from me and support me, my boss will always get 90% of the clients who walk through my doors. She’s been doing this for 25 years and all her clients worship the ground she walks on. The rest of us try to keep up but we all know it’s not realistic. And tbh after me being the most reliable person there, never missing a day of work, always coming in when called in and doing everything I can to show I’m worth something, I don’t feel like I’ve proved shit to anyone. November and December I had a couple decent fuck ups that still linger over me and I feel like since then, I haven’t gotten any real support. One was entirely my fault and I owned up to it immediately, the other one wasn’t and I felt like I was the one who got embarrassed by my entire management because no one stuck up for me. My old store? Has now been through three managers since I’ve been there. Want to know how many times I was offered that position?
I’m turning 26 this year. I get married in less than four months and I’m fucking terrified because I still have shit to pay for and now on top of that, I need a new car. No really like I don’t have a choice. This isn’t a classic oh Nate Ryan needs another car because he’s bored of it. No, the car I own has a massive title issue and the dealer needs to buy it back. And the fact I can’t go out and buy what I want frustrates me so fucking much I can’t even tell you. One of my buddies told me what he made last year and I couldn’t stop laughing (not because he doesn’t deserve it because hes been dealt a shit hand for years and finally caught a break because he’s good at what he does, I’m extremely proud of the guy), but that I made a decent amount less after busting my ass for a company that I walk on eggshells for and could fire me tomorrow and wouldn’t give a single fuck about it. I’m not saying I deserve 6 figures and everyone to praise me and that others deserve less than me I’m really not. It’s just so fucking frustrating that I haven’t found “my thing” in life yet career wise. I’ve been chasing what I’ve thought we’re always good moves just to come to an end with a sign that says “you fucking failed, now what?”
I’m terrified my soon to be wife will get sick of this shit eventually and leave, I’m scared if I have kids they’re going to eventually see me as a loser, I’m scared about not retiring on time and working as long as my grandfather has (73 and won’t retire until next year), and the scariest thing I’m terrified about?
That I’ll never figure it out. I know eventually I will, but right now it scares the shit out of me. I’ve had so much drive since I was 15 to work hard and make something out of myself because I had a point to prove to prove. Not only to all the scumbags I went to high school with, but importantly to myself because I’ve always wanted to succeed like my father has. He’s been my biggest role model in life and if I didn’t have him I would never have the drive I do.
I was with gab all day and had a great day with her, was with all my friends tonight and halfway through it all hit me like a train with no brakes.
I’m fucking terrified. And not knowing what to do is about as scary as it gets.
