Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
So, some far from brilliant producer thought without much thought, âHey, that HALLOWEEN reboot that ignores all the sequels did great by pitting Michael Myers against the first filmâs sole survivor. What franchise can we do that with now? Bring back Heather Langenkamp to take on Freddy Kruger? Been done. Bring back Adrienne King to take on Jason Voohees? Oops! Heâs already killed her, and she never fought him anyway. Bring back Marilyn Burns to fight Leatherface? Damn! She the actress is dead. Bring backâŚWait a minute. Who needs her? Letâs just recast the role. We donât even have to get someone who looks like her 50 years on? Yeah, thatâs the ticket.â And thus was born David Blue Garciaâs TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022, Netflix).
A pair of entrepreneurs (Sarah Yarkin and Jacob Lattimore) have bought Harlow, TX, now a ghost town because of the notoriety surrounding Leatherfaceâs nearby farm. Theyâre going to auction it off to influencers to create a tourist destination 90 miles or so from the nearest city. But they forgot to buy the orphanage. Unfortunately, they think they own it, leading to a confrontation with its elderly keeper (Alice Krige) that puts her into cardiac arrest. And whoâs the last remaining orphan? Why, itâs a maskless Leatherface, who doesnât look or move like someone in his late 60s or early 70s. When she dies, he puts on a happy face (hers, in fact) and sets out to kill all involved, which is basically anybody within tossing range of his trusty chainsaw. This alerts Sally (Olwen Fouere), the sole survivor of the original film, whoâs still out hunting for him.
Letâs get the good stuff out of the way first. Fouere and Krige are formidable actresses. Their screen time is limited, probably because the producers didnât think horror fans wanted to see older women. But what you get of them is precious. Thereâs one decent kill, seen through a swinging kitchen door. There are also attempts to deal with social issues: gentrification, social media, big city liberals vs. downhome types and gun violence (Yarkinâs sister, played very well by Elsie Fisher, is a survivor of a school shooting). All this is brought up, but the script doesnât do much with it. Gentrification is an excuse for getting the characters there, and thatâs it. Thereâs one social media joke, in which a victim thinks itâs all a prank and livestreams Leatherfaceâs attack, even as heâs getting chainsawed. The city/country divide is just there for a few jokes at the start. And Fisher starts out traumatized and then gets it all together when the plot demands it. Her heroâs journey is like a walk to the corner grocery and back.
Although the film is oddly diverting â I mean, it clips along â it seems to be set on the planet of the stupid. You spend a lot of time laughing at rather than with it. Some of the dumbest moments are near the end, so I wonât spoil them. Just know that if someoneâs in a room with a victim who was armed, theyâll leave without thinking to pick up the weapon. People walk into rooms without checking to see if anybodyâs hiding behind the door. When they have a weapon, they wait until theyâre as close as possible to Leatherface so he can knock the guns out of their hands. And who the hell is going to drive 90 miles over desert roads to get to a yuppie tourist destination? I can answer that. Probably somebody stupid enough to spend 83 minutes watching this crap.











