Monben

Saint Laurent Spring 2017 by Anthony Vaccarello

Ashe

Time is the greatest illusion ever. It is something that we all have but do not own. It cannot be bought, wagered with God or traded for with possessions. Intangible yet something we continue to make use of everyday. It is unlimited yet something we do not have that much of. Man-made albeit being around way before our existence. Something that we can move forward with but never play back to experience again. Time lends itself to us for a short time, always returning to itself in the end. Since it’s all we know, we sometimes believe that we’ll always have it or that we have a lot more than we think we do. With an exponential amount of uses for time, it all depends on the action you take. We think of time as a countdown and how we never have enough of it. That leads us to seeing it as valuable as currency, coining the phrase “Time is money.” Because we cannot control time itself, we try to manipulate other things to help us get around that. Like becoming immortal so that our time is limitless. Eventually, I wouldn’t be surprised if in the future somehow we manage to make time our actual currency like the movie “In Time.” That’s just knowing how selfish the human race is, so that we can manage to live longer. But the thing about it is that we all run out of time. We can try to evade and run from it all we want but time catches up to us all. The saddest thing about it is that we really don’t know when’s our last year, month, day or hour. We can only hope to have lived the right way up until that point that we can have no regrets. I wish this was something that I realized when I was younger but I think that’s what’s helping me even more now because I’ve already used up 20 years so that makes the rest of my time that much more priceless. But don’t look down on the time you’ve used because by the time you look up, your time is almost up.

In the fall, I’ll be a junior in college, I know, it’s crazy saying that and even though it’s still only June, I’m already ready for this year bro. Not classes, not females, not parties or anything like that. Tbh, I’m just ready to play some ball again. Not that I want the school year to start tomorrow, I’m saying it from the perspective of me grinding this summer and getting ready for the season. I’m taking my time this summer and using every day to get better and get in my bag. I already know what I have to do to be the one when I go back and I’m down to get it all done. Throwing every Saturday morning and then getting work done during the week. It sounds easy but I’m just pushing myself and it’s not like last year where I was working hard just to get playing time. I’m doing all of this to be the #1. The best part about it is that I know I could do it and I know everybody else is doing their part to get better. I love it. I’ve already told a few people to get in their bag for next and I’m hoping that they got that message. I’m not slowing down for anyone and I know that as of the end of last season, I’m behind a couple of guys but it won’t be like that at the end of the summer. I’m not built to be #3 or #4. Top 2 and I’m not 2 but it’s gonna be a good summer working my craft. I love competition and fighting for a spot and if everybody else gets better it’ll make it even more worthwhile cause if everybody’s stagnant it’s gonna be a breeze for me and I don’t want that. Crazy because all I’ve been thinking about is next year and what I’m gonna be since our season ended. I’m not gonna be up for distractions. If you don’t get right, you’re gonna get left behind. There are 4 people I’m really thinking about all of the time and it’s just the beginning of me doing my thing, only 2 starts down this summer but I’m gonna be hungry all the way even during the season. This has been the only thing on my mind and when you want something that much, it will happen for you. Step your game up, nothing comes easy.

I find myself praying every night before I go to sleep. Routinely, never missing a day. I would think to myself how there was a certain period of time where I only prayed when I was going through a tough time. Those are the most vivid memories I have of me praying because I was so desperate for God or anyone that was listening to me while I was at rock bottom. I acknowledged that and then realized it wasn’t fair that I looked to God only when I was at my lowest, feeling like I only showed faith at that time. So I made it into a habit. It’s crazy how many people nowadays reject the idea of something bigger than themselves because they think religion is a ‘scheme.’ I respect their decision but you can’t disrespect someone’s belief like that. “Who am I or they to say to whom you pray ain’t right? That’s who got you doing right and got you this far,” no matter what religion you believe in just stick to it and continue to do good. Other people who do have faith don’t find the time look in their respective book of worship or pray. They’re missing out on so much in my opinion. Taking prayer for granted all the time. People don’t understand the power of praying every night, not even for yourself but for somebody else that needs it. You never know what they’re going through and it can help them. Just remember that praying doesn’t have to be you asking for something that you want, it can be trying to help somebody else or even expressing your gratitude for what you have or even just being alive. In Jesus name. Amen.

this past weekend i couldn’t pray because my intolerant family was visiting.. so i had to go without for four days and god was still with me but i was feeling so not-great :(

If you pursue perfection, it forces you to never be satisfied with anything else but being perfect, and that becomes the problem. Measuring your success on being perfect means that you’ll never truly be happy. You’ll always want more and more and expect yourself not to make a mistake. Nobody’s perfect. It’s something that realistically is not attainable and we have to live with the fact that it’s okay not to be flawless. However, there is a fine line between striving to be perfect and striving to never fail. Chasing perfection doesn’t lead us to it but we can achieve excellence doing so. Not saying that you shouldn’t work towards trying to be as sharp as possible in every way but don’t be unrealistic. I’m so scared of failing. Never reaching my goals is one of my biggest fears. It’s something I’m so fearful of that I don’t even share those goals with other people like that. I want to be so successful in what I’m aiming towards that I forget the sensation of coming up short. Sometimes we do forget that we are humans and that we’re made to not to be a perfect people, just the best versions of ourselves that we can be. If we were capable of becoming faultless, I’m sure every single person on this planet would have already done so and that’s just not what makes us real. Chasing this perfection, we get lost in all of the things around us because we have this narrow point of view in which we only want to work towards that goal. It becomes a problem because later on down the road, the more you work, the more frustrated you’ll be that you aren’t perfect after putting so much time into it. That’s where we lose ourselves.

They say that all baseball players are superstitious, I don’t know if that’s the reason why I definitely am one of those people. To me, a lot more than anybody I know. There are some superstitions that are extreme that I’ve seen but one of them for me was wearing the same thing every game after I did well one time wearing that wardrobe. I had this one weird superstition during Game 4 of the NBA Finals this year. Whenever there was a timeout and went to commercials I would be using my phone until they checked the ball in again and I’d lock it and put it between my legs facing down. I was rooting for the Cavs, who ended up winning Game 4 and by a lot so in mind I think it worked a little better than needed because of that. It’s funny because I never think that reason why something doesn’t have the outcome that I wanted because that’s the way it is, I always think about it being that the superstition wasn’t executed correctly.

Everything’s mental. How your mind processes information and handles that is dependent on the person. It’s all a mind game and how you choose to look at things is completely contingent on that. Your good days you’ll feel on top of the world and your bad days it feels like it’s the end of the world. Everybody has good days and everybody has bad days. Nothing lasts forever, whether that’s for better or for worse. Some of my favorite lyrics helped me out of those tough times. “‘The beauty of life. The pain never lasts/ The rain always past, the sun don’t always shine/ When it’s gone I’m always lonely but when it’s there I’m fine.’” Growing up in Newark, NJ I noticed a lot of things younger than most people. The reality of living in a city where 100 people are killed a year on average is crazy. Especially when kids still in middle school are losing their lives and kids not too much older are the ones doing the killings. Just being around that started to seem normal at times and sooner than later I wasn’t really phased. Becoming numb to it, even when somebody wanted to literally kill me and ended up dying a few years later. Yea, it is sad but I look at it a different way. Not like I’m saying “I’m glad it wasn’t me”but I’m grateful that I made it out of that everyday struggle. Joe Budden, on the topic of people losing their lives to gun violence, said “‘You don’t lose friends, you gain angels/ So before bed you should be saying thank you.’” Not once did I think about the fact that even though I grew up in that war zone, there are thousands of kids going through worse wishing they had my life. I still have trouble realizing that and even though there’s a lot of good, I overlook it sometimes when I’m going through and I feel like everything that happens to me is bad. I let my thoughts get the best of me sometimes. I used to be such a half-empty guy cause I had this superstition that if I got too excited for something, it would turn out bad in the end. With baseball, I never really thought of myself as something special. My coaches in college tell me all the time I have a lot of potential and natural talent that other people wish they had. I’m not even gonna lie, sometimes during freshman year, I felt they were saying that to keep head up. This year I stopped thinking about all of the negatives in my game and let it go from there. It’s crazy cause last year I felt like I sucked to the point of wanting to switch to another position and seriously considering quitting baseball for good. I eventually stuck it out and kept playing regardless of how I felt about myself. Everybody’s different with their mental approach to success and for me, there were only two things that made a world’s difference. The first was having a short-term memory but not exactly forgetting those shortcomings. The second was nobody’s better than you. I still had a few rough outings but I didn’t let it get to me too much. That moment when you start to doubt or not believe in yourself is the moment when you’ve already lost the fight. Plus it’s just a game no matter what happens so you have to have fun. My life isn’t the one everybody dreams of having but I’d rather be me than somebody else. Some days you feel like shit and you’ll have a bad day but that doesn’t mean you have a bad life. Once you have a negative mindset, it’s hard to get out of that. The mind is everything. I plan for the best but also expect worst so that things don’t throw me off when things don’t go as planned. What you think about usually will manifest itself into reality. Once you find your balance internally is when you’ll find the most peace in life. No matter what, it’s always about how you look at things. Spread positively.

Perception is mad important because it is the index/point of attraction for manifestation

Thousands. No. Millions of pieces is what I feel like I’ve broken down into. The feeling isn’t foreign or unique anymore, I’ve gone through it so many times that it’s numbing but also gives me adrenaline. I don’t know what it is but well, it’s a welcoming vibe now basically telling me that it misses me and just wanted to pay a visit. Never goes ignored and I often let it overstay its welcome. Some things don’t change. On the outside, I appear a lot of times as untransparent on the outside as tinted windows but at the end of the day it’s still glass and I shatter just as easy. What seems impossible becomes reality. I feel as though after being molded together after sometime that it could never be as bad but the next is always worse than the last. Or that the next is always messier than the last. The mess grows harder to sweep and throw out. And the only ones I feel comfortable helping me end up cutting their feet on the shards of glass.They stop cleaning because becomes a bother for them. The strangest part is that it hurts me way more than them. The pieces are animate and with no one to help anymore, they’re forced to gather themselves and form something able to function again. Exactly like a phoenix, bursting into flames and magically coming together anew as if nothing. I never realized it but that’s my spirit animal. Falling in this endless cycle, feeling like a broken record. And of course you need a soundtrack to dramatize the event of breaking even more. I know it sounds crazy and corny but this is what I’ve listened to when I feel like this. It’s the perfect song in my head to this emotion. It sounds like Street Lights, the song that I picked as my warmup song for baseball freshman year every game. “All the streets lights, glowing. Happen to be just like moments, passing. In front of me, so I hopped in, the cab and I paid my fare, see I know my destination. But I’m just not there in the streets.”

what an elegant description of such a terrible thing

I swear I’m not a loner. I just like enjoying my own company. It’s something different and most times I like being by myself. I catch myself going for walks around campus just to avoid being around people. I like hanging out but not that much. Some people are annoying and even if they are cool, it’s not better than being by myself in my opinion. I love thinking to myself, about my life at the moment, certain things I should get done and how to deal with shit. It’s not as bad as people make it out to be. Isolation helps me get away from everything. It doesn’t necessarily mean literally being by myself. I can be in a room filled with people and still isolate myself. I’m just mentally unavailable and want to be left alone. It’s the most peaceful time I could ever ask for and it really is better than talking about meaningless shit with other people. I’m not depressed or anything, actually I’m happy as fuck by myself. So by that same token if I spend a lot of time with you, it means I don’t mind you disturbing that or being with is better than being alone. Obviously you’re going to be interact with other people but when I’m alone that’s exactly what makes it even better. When I have to be around people, I enjoy my time with them but I’d rather just chill alone. I know some people will think it’s weird but who cares. Especially cause I’m awkward around people. Staying out of the way of everything just suits me better and you learn to love yourself a lot more when you’re alone and working towards becoming a better version of yourself. Sometimes you have to fall back from everything and start at the drawing board cause who got you better than you got yourself?

A reminder that Black people in Canada represent ~3% of the population, but are the #1 victims of race based hate crimes in, by a wide margin.

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