Tumbleweed Pastry

After our previous headline, the main man himself, former Trillionaire Elon Keanu Reeves Musk, contacted us. Here’s how it went down.

Below is our entire conversation.

Elon Keanu Reeves Musk has, unfortunately, lost his trillionaire status. What will we, the working-class people of the USA do?

We could laugh. We could celebrate. We could dance around, up and down every street. We could sing happy songs.

When a man has more money than god, it’s hard for anyone in the working-class to be sympathetic when he loses a fraction of his, “hard-earned,” wealth. It’s hard to do anything but laugh, smile, and move on with your day.

Elon Keanu Reeves Musk has no sympathy for the people all over the world who aren’t as rich as him, (not even his own children,) so nobody should be expected to have any sympathy for him.

Lindsay Online Gram, ironic name for a 71-year-old, passed away suddenly after a meeting with his good friend, Addison Michelin McConnell. Here’s what we know.

Flags are flapping in the warm, sweltering wind of the country today as we honor the memory of Gram. Passing away shortly after convening with good friend Addison Michelin McConnell, (84 years old,) passed away after suffering from an aortic dissection caused by arteriosclerotic cardiovascular disease.

How did this happen? Well, several online theorists say that he may have given his good friend, Addison Michelin McConnell, his remaining spirit energy. Others say his good friend, Addison Michelin McConnell, is in some kind of life-sustaining box, using wires and such to regain his strength, ruling the spirit energy theory false. (See an artistic rendition of the box below.) Nobody can for sure say what happened.

What threatens to be the second worst thing to ever happen to New York, an Italian Sculptor has decided to make a urinal in the shape of formerly living person, Charlie Kirk.

No news as to why the artist has decided to create such an avant-garde urinal, but one can only hope that the good citizens of New York City, New York use this for its intended purpose.

At the latest Trump rally, a mysterious man claiming to be the late Charlie Kirk made an appearance.

The man was heard saying, “Stop the rally! I’m here! I’m still alive! You need to believe me. I’m Charlie Kirk. I’m Charlie Kirk! You have to believe me! They didn’t kill me. I wasn’t killed. I’ve been watching my empire crumble after everyone thought I died. Erika’s changing her last name! Fuck! It’s really me! I’m really Charlie Kirk!”

But nobody believed him. The Maga crowd surrounded him and pushed him to the ground. He screamed as they kicked him, and then brutally tore into his stomach and started pulling out little bits of meat like children pulling candy out of a piñata.

“Aaaaaaaah! Stop it! Not my tummy! That hurts stop it! Stop it now! I… I’m blacking out…” The man screamed. The Secret Service broke up the crowd and took the man away, his blood staining the ground below him. They loaded him into the back of a black, unmarked van. He has not been seen since.

Seth Macfarlane, character actor of Roger the Alien from, ‘The American Dad,’ reportedly had a date with 9/11, but stood her up.

“I’m heartbroken. What a fucking dick.” 9/11 is quoted as saying.

“I had a hangover and just couldn’t make it to the plane.” Macfarlane responded.

Yesterday, President Donald John Trump visited the glorious state of Wisconsin. After a long, long, totally not rambling talk about various things, like how prices are wonderful right now, and everything wrong with our country is the fault of the Democrats, Trump left a heartwarming message to the hardworking farmers of the Cheese State.

“Love has many different meanings, obviously no president can love their fans in the same way that they "love" their family or their best friends, but that doesn't mean they can't express love and care for them at all.” Trump started saying.

“I can say that I love kittens, even if I've not personally interacted with every kitten. I've interacted with enough to know that I have a lot of care and affection for all of them. If I'm told about a kitten being hurt or going through something rough, my heart can hurt.” Trump continued, tears welling up in his eyes.

“I genuinely love and care about you guys, and that's the best way that I can describe it. You are like a whole bunch of kittens and I love you. Not every president will feel the same as me, and that's fine, but I'm being genuine every time I say it. I love you and care about you.” Trump closed out, smiling and crying.

What are your thoughts on this? Would you eat the president’s actual shit if he tells you it’s chocolate, like all of the remaining members of Maga do?

King Charlie the 3 plans on changing the official measurement system of the U.K. from Stone to Dollars.

“What the fuck is a Stone? A Dollar is 100 cents, which is tangible every time. But a Stone? That’s just the weight of a rock once. And rocks? Those are all varieties of weights. Stones are all different sizes. It makes no sense. Plus, this will balance the world out, what with the U.S. calling their measurement system ‘Pounds.’ Thank you all for understanding my views. I love you.” King Charlie the 3 is quoted as saying.

Jeffrey Dahmer Preston Jorgensen, better known as Jeff Bezos, star of ‘Star Trek Beyond (2016),’ just had a rocket ship explode.

Lol. Lmao, even. Approximated to cost $1-$1.5 Billion, the rocket exploded. Just like that. Due to static. It’s so funny, that you just gotta laugh!

When asked about it, all Bezos said was, “I didn’t know it could do that.”

Elon Keanu Reeves Musk is planning on taking a trip under the water to find The Lost City of Atlantis.

Following a map he found on Reddit, Musk is to plunge to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. He is set to take off in the brand new, secretly-developed SpaceX Submersible.

“I made the Cybertruck all on my own, I’m sure I can pilot a submarine. Easy peasy.” Musk is quoted as saying in an interview.

Musk is set to livestream his adventure to popular livestreaming platform Twitch, where viewers will be able to donate ‘bits’ to him to make him do various things, such as posting memes to Twitter, (Formerly X, (Formerly Twitter,)) or to do a math problem as long as the numbers don’t go into the double digits.

Chaos erupted at the Oscars Awards Show tonight, May 21st, 2026, as Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

“Keep my fucking mouth away from your asshole, you fucking jagoff!” Smith yelled before vaulting onto the stage at breakneck speeds and slapping Chris Rock in the face. The sound of the impact was audible from all around the planet. Sourced are calling it the, ‘Slap heard ‘round the world.’

This one act caused ripples all around history. Scientists are suggesting that it was now the cause of the infamous Roswell Aliens to appear, the reason behind the disappearance of D. B. Cooper, and what told those guys to dress up as Max Headroom and hijack those two Chicago TV stations back in 1987.

Reports indicate that Michael B. Jordan is happy to be back in contact with his lesser-known twin brother, Michael A. Jordan, again.

After reuniting for the movie ‘Sinners,’ Michael B. and Michael A. are finally back in each other’s lives. “I’m just so happy that him and I are talking again.” Michael B. said in an interview.

“I’ve missed him. I really have.” The two brothers then proceeded to embrace each other, and smile widely and warmly at the cameras together. “Thank you, Ryan Coogler, for bringing us back together!”

Marilyn Manson is reportedly excited to watch Rick and Morty Season 9.

Manson is quoted as saying, “I can’t wait to smoke that epic Szechuan weed out of my Pickle Rick bong. And yes, it does look like a penis.”

The former Family Guy guest star then proceeded to roll up his sleeve slightly to reveal a sterling silver Spider-Man watch. “See that shit? That’s what real wealth looks like.”

Manson proceeded to reach into his wallet, and throw several cards from the card game, ‘Disney Lorcana,’ at our reporter as if they were shurikens.

“I am the ninja of the night.” Manson yelled, before nearly tripping over his chair as he runs out of the interview room, right after failing to do that trick where you lift up a sheet in front of you and run away really fast to make it look like you disappeared. He was nowhere near fast enough to pull it off.

“Think of this as a final warning, per se.” Vice President Elect Jersey Devil ‘JD’ Vance said in a White House press conference today.

“I have given you all chance after chance to show me even an ounce of respect. You’re all animals. You’re all fucking insane and so god damn unfair. I hate you. I hate you all. I can’t stand all of you fucking imbeciles. You are god damn bugs comparing yourself to me. I am a fucking god. I was the one to buy the $1000 ransom for the final episode of The Amazing Digital Circus. And I don’t even like the show.”

“I have all of the power. If you little fucking insects don’t thank me for serving this stupid, stupid country, I will go on national television and say what happens to each and every one of the characters. All of the woke bullshit that happens. You know that purple bunny? Jack? Yeah. Yeah what happens to him is so fucking woke. You won’t believe it. But I will say it. I’ll spoil the entire thing. I’ll federally mandate that every television channel in the United States plays my broadcast all at once.”

“If you think about stepping out of line one more fucking time, then remember that I currently have access to the finale biggest show in the god damn world right now. You’re all fucking done. All of you. Good fucking day.”

Wow. That was a lot.

After his speech, Vance went ahead made all of the USA watch as he ate 7 entire Fool’s Gold loafs, then downed it all with a gallon of whole milk.

James Corbin Bleu and Jared Letto are going to get gay married to each other. The problem? James is a country boy, and Jared is an emo boy.

Several places in the news media are all abuzz with questions such as, “Is it really possible for an emo boy and a country boy to be in a relationship?”

“I’d fuck the shit out of him if he were a girl. Strap or no strap.” Ellen D. Generous, owner and operator of The Ellen Show, is quoted as saying when asked for her thoughts on Star Wars legend General Grievous.

“It’s just something about his four arms… and that horrible yucky cough he has… if he was a girl, oh boy. I’d be sweating even more than I am now.” Generous said on a 93° Tuesday Afternoon while wearing a turtleneck and slacks.

“I just wonder if he would even like a girl like me… sigh. Girl x girl… what a world we live in where that can just happen.”