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My drive to RP is at a low beyond lows. I would love to but I honestly cannot look at any of the icons I made and not feel my stomach churn. I hate this blog. It’s awful. It’s disgusting. It makes me sick. It makes me angry. I hate it.

I thought blocking people would help, and it 100% did for the limited period it gave me some kind of peace of mind, but I think that’s gone out the window now. Blocking ensures I never have to see the people I don’t want to see, but lingering thoughts and phrases that I see get connected on my blog just make me want to vomit.

Favorite characters of mine become violent reminders of the things I want to just never forget. The worst part about it all is that I have to remember it forever. I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve attempted thinking about it in some other way to put a positive spin on everything that’s happened, but I cannot.

The lowest points of my life are vividly spread out throughout this blog, and I hate it.

So much of this entire tangent is me saying how much I hate it all but I literally cannot escape it. I’ve been gaslit, I’ve been told my feelings don’t matter. I’ve lost sleep over this, wasted time of my life I’m never getting back. I’ve been pushed to the brink repeatedly, especially over the last year which, along with 2018, has been the absolute worst year of my life. And you wanna know the worst part?

I still care.

I still look and hope for messages from people. I still hope that maybe, just maybe, I can share this cool thing that I found that reminded me of someone from here. Maybe I can share my happiness over this little thing that put a smile on my face. It won’t happen and I stopped holding my breath, but maybe it will.

My life has been utter hell since 2018 and I’ve done everything I can to crawl back from it. There are maybe two people on here and a third who’s become a close friend that know the full story because I cannot share it openly. I refuse unless I want to be told again “you’re just playing victim.” I wish I could tell my best friends but I fucking can’t because I’m starting to question who my friends are.

I’m tired of that. I’m so sick of it.

Long story short, I don’t know when I’m RPing again with anyone from around here. I don’t know how long I want to even be remembered on here. I appreciate literally all the attention I get from the dumbest of shit I share. I appreciate the one message from someone who actually wants to know context behind a commission, or the one person who asks “what’s been going on at home?” or something. I want to connect with people on here but I physically don’t feel like I can anymore. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to.

This is literally just a fraction of my thoughts from the last year. I’ll finish it with this just because I need to say it again.

Thank you to those who do reach out. Thank you for at least slowly pushing me out of my hole and making me feel like I can begin to trust again. I don’t show it well and I probably won’t for a while, which is why I need to just say that I appreciate it. I’ll repay it in full. I promise.

This blog is going to be advertisements and commissions for a while. Will I ever get the need to RP on here? Idk maybe. Maybe not. I need to not feel sick looking at it or being reminded of the part of my life where quite literally everything fell apart. You wanna talk more with me about this so we can hash things out, understand each other better, whatever? Message me. You know my Discord if you’re a mutual. We can talk, chat, share our life stories over a cup of tea and maybe I can feel like I know the person running things instead of the faceclaim we all put out. I’m tired of that. I want to know people. I want friends. We’re friends with each other’s online personas, not the actual person.

Or maybe I’m wrong and you all actually are friends and I’m the fool for believing otherwise. Maybe this place is a community and we’re all friends, but to me it’s the farthest thing from it and I’m starting to feel like that’s a joke I’m just not in on.

I’m tired of feigning a smile and pretending I’m okay and feeling great when I’m not and haven’t been for a fucking year.

If you read this, hope you got something out of it. Maybe you learned a little bit more about me, for uglier or better. Maybe you got some fuel to use in my ask box later. I don’t know who gets their kicks off this blog anymore and I don’t care.

See you in the asks box, DMs, or anywhere else. I hope we can talk and know each other. I hope we can be more than just people who did some ERP or something. I’d love it. I’d love to get on a call, play games with you all and actually feel a connection.

But I don’t feel that now. I don’t know when I will.