This Star Won't Go Out

This quote means a lot to me. As someone who struggles with mental illness, being happy isn't always easy, or possible. It reminds me that, y'know what, you don't have to be happy, but you shouldn't sit in that depression and that sadness either, at least not alone. Being post GeekyCon 2016, I needed a reminder of that.

I found a home in the Mischief Management con now known as GeekyCon, back in 2014, when it was still LeakyCon. I met Lori Earl during the Open at the Close park event that year, waiting in line for Gringotts. I didn't know who she was, at the time, but I now consider her part of my GeekyCon family, just as I consider anyone who attends GeekyCon. My first Esther Day was the one celebrated at LeakyCon 2014, and I remember just sort of smiling to myself in this sad little way when I realized who the lady that had been in front of me and my sister in line had been, like when it really sunk in. She had offered us each a bacon flavored chip, or crisp if we're using the proper British terms given they were bought at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and then she actually gave us like half the bag. It's little memories like that, that show just how much of a family Mischief Management cons are. Complete strangers will offer you food and drink if they think you might need it or if they just have extra.

I've been through a lot in the past year and I needed the support system I found at GeekyCon 2016. It was 3 days of unconditional support, concern, and most importantly, love. The number of times I had people ask if I'd eaten or had enough to drink, or was offered food and drink, was astounding. It's something I'm familiar with only because I've attended past Geeky/LeakyCons. There are very few cases of misgendering too, yay for pronoun stickers! And even when there are, a simple correction and an apology later and it is likely not to happen again.

Returning to "normal" life, it hit me hard that I was losing all of that, in a sense. That I wouldn't have that in-person support system and that I would constantly be misgendered. The post con blues started to turn into actual post con depression and, until last night and thinking on this quote, I was going to let it. I may not have control of when a depressive episode hits, but I do have control of whether I sit in it alone or if I do what makes me happy or, if I can't do that, if I sit in it with those who make me happy. While I may not have those people physically around me, I have them online and if that's as good as I can get them right now, that's okay.

This Esther Day reminds me that love comes in many forms and that it isn't always the people who are supposed to love you most that actually do, and that's okay. My second family, which extends past my GeekyCon family to include any number of my friends, tend to show more love and support for me than most of my actual family. They are my chosen family, as I am theirs. To love and be loved is a choice that we make everyday. Which is why a chosen family loves more. Esther chose to love with everything she had, day in and day out, and we can all benefit from being a little more like Esther. To me, Esther Day is just a reminder of what the rest of the year should be like, what we should strive for because "what the world needs now is love, sweet love / it's the one thing that there's just too little of /  what the world needs now is love, sweet love / no, not just for some but for everyone"

So, to everyone who may not feel loved, who may not feel that you are worthy of love, who think you cannot be loved, or who simply feel alone in this mess we call life, just know that you are none of that. You are worthy of love, you can and are loved, and you are not alone. Even though I may not know you, I can promise you these things, because I was like you and there are days when I am still like you.

Happy Esther Day!

Oh, and happy 22nd birthday, Esther. May your light shine on.

Love <3 and Light /*

As for Esther... I loved her way of thinking. Her habit to be honest with herself and her environment. Of course we all have things we want to keep for ourselves but coming to that point, Esther was much more mature than I am with the age of 26.

She was able to reveal her feelings to her beloved ones and just that is already something to respect to admire. But that is not all...

I also want to become such an honest person who can speak not only her mind but her feelings, too. I am greatful for my parents, I was so greatful for my grandmothers who now already passed away. Greatful for my grandfather who treated me with so much love in my first three years of life. 

I only can say "Thank you" because these are the people I could always count on. They had a lot of trouble to go through with, I was not always fair and there were a lot of misunderstandings and non-understandings but in the end I am so happy to have them. They supported me all along - up until now and beyond.

Without them I would not be here. I would not have managed moving out and most of all would not have managed passing my finals this spring. I hope I can be also a support for them in future.

There will always be some problems, discussions, etc. but I guess I have come to the point that nothing of that is more important than caring for each other.

To my parents: You are always so supportive of me and I love you guys so so much.

To my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts, and uncles: Although some of you can be irritating, you're my family and I miss you guys so so much. It makes me sad that we only get together at Thanksgiving. See you then. I love you.

To John and Hank: You guys have done so much for me. Thank you for helping me to love the world and try to make it better. I do not miss wallowing around being disgusted by everything. That sucked. Thank you for decreasing my life suck, and for inspiring me to decrease world suck. I love you two so so much.

To Nerdfighters: You're awesome. Love ya lots.

okay... I'm not done...

Saying I love you is something that is not very hard for me to say in most cases. I say it all the time. But for some reason it can be so hard to say it to certain people...

here it goes...

To my half-brother, Forrest: I don't get to see you very often. Especially since you're an adult now. Whenever you leave, I want to say I love you, but I am always scared it will be awkward. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. I'm sorry I don't tell you. I hope I get a chance to soon.

To my sister, Erin: I am mean to you a lot of the time. For some reason, I just get irritated when you come up to me. That's a horrible thing to do. I'm sorry for that. No matter what you might think, I love you so much. You are such a dork and you are fun to be around. You bring the light into the room. I'm sorry that I am an aloof teenager. I'll try to be nicer. You deserve that. I love you.

Spread love today, even when it's hard.

Happy Esther Day everyone 💚 

I just want to express how much I love my family, friends and my other half.

"When I Must Leave You"

by Helen Steiner Rice

When I must leave you For a little while- Please do not grieve And shed wild tears And hug your sorrow to you Through the years, But start out bravely With a gallant smile; And for my sake And for my name Live on and do All things the same, Feed not your lonliness On empty days, But fill each waking hour In useful ways, Reach out your hand In comfort and in cheer And I in turn will comfort you And hold you near; And never, never Be afraid to die For I am waiting for you in the sky!

I read your book, and i cry, you're incredible Esther. Best wishes for the parents!! <3