Incoming essay… I’m not a person who likes to look back. Lately my life has been overflowing with wonder and magic. I am happier than I’ve ever been. But I’ve also noticed a rising anxiety - especially with social media. I’m a private person. I prefer mystery. But I’m pulled into the past every time I see a photo from a long (and purposefully forgotten) era - a photo that I didn’t choose to share myself. With each of these stolen moments, I feel like the right to own my story is being hijacked. It’s confronting. Cringing, I look at these old pictures and think about who I am now and who I was then and the wide gulf that stretches between us. Who was he? Why did he dress like that? What’s with that hideous haircut? Why wasn’t he ‘cooler’ or at least, why didn’t people like him? Why didn’t he like himself? I judge him and all of his choices. The gulf gets wider and my anxiety grows. Here’s the thing - I was nerdy, sensitive awkward and afraid. I was a day dreamer. I was bullied. I struggled to make friends. I struggled to fit in. I struggled to stand out. I struggled with weight. With acne. With girls. With guys. With life. The road to who I am now is littered with phases that I was embarrassed of, regretted or would otherwise choose to forget. But in rejecting these parts of myself, I reject my journey - and I don’t want to do that. So this is me taking ownership of all the pieces. It’s trivial but I am sharing these intimate snapshots as a small act of rebellion against self judgement. I am proud of the growth and evolution that I’ve undergone and I’m grateful for all of the moments, especially the tough ones that helped me forget who I am today. I am choosing to own my journey with compassion, in all of it’s embarassing face-palm glory. Enjoy x
- Cody Fern via Instagram
