And though she be but little, she is fierce.

And things have been good. Really good. They still are really. I just need to get something off my chest. It’s not really a problem, it’s just bothering me, and I don’t want it to become a problem. 

Please know that you have done nothing wrong - you’re lovely, and I don’t want you to do anything differently, I just feel I need to explain this.

I want you to know that I love you, because I really do mean that. You’re the best thing that I never thought would actually happen to me and these past 8 months have been some of the best ever. 

But that scares me too, not just because feelings for me seem to be more confusing than for some people, but also because it gives me something to lose. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to think you couldn’t walk away if you weren’t happy because I’d want you to, I’d want you to tell me if something was wrong or if there was a problem we could sort, because I want you to be happy. You know that though, I seem to tell you that far too often. I just mean that it’s scary because, if you want it too, I feel like I could keep doing this forever because I’m so comfortable with you and you make me happy and I really do think we make sense together. That’s what scares me I suppose.

The issue is just that I’m sort of broken. And I hate myself for it, because it seems to make life more difficult for me and everyone around me. I partially blame him for that (when I had that bad day when I was at Scarsdale a few weeks ago I cried angry tears for over an hour just because I realised how much I hate him for making me so insecure and weak about such things) because I was never so completely insecure before all that, but partially I think I’m just a bit weird too. I don’t know. I’m very happy with you, I really am, and most of the time I’m absolutely fine, but then I seem to get this day, few days, or sometimes even week long period where suddenly everything doesn’t seem fine. It usually seems to coincide with me feeling shitty and everything feeling dark again, or just with ‘leak week’. But when that happens I doubt everything around me and it really is horrible. I’m not sure you quite realise how horrible it feels but the reason I wanted to write about it is because this week it seems to have been more horrible than recently, I think because it’s getting darker outside again, and I want to talk to you about it before it gets any worse. I want you to understand it all rather than feel like I’m shutting you out or conversely not letting you alone when you need some space. 

I’m quite an insecure person generally but when this mood happens it’s just so much worse. It’s like I suddenly feel that you’re not okay, that you’re not happy, that something is wrong that you’re not telling me, that something is just wrong. It’s not just you either, everything just seems a bit darker and more doubtful and I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea. When this happens, I become so paranoid about you being okay or me being overbearing, that I seem to ask you a lot, or apologise for myself, and then in doing this end up being very overbearing anyway. I don’t think you realise how much I don’t want to be like that, how much I hate myself for thinking in that way and saying those things, even if they don’t bother you (I’m genuinely never sure whether they do or not to be honest). It bothers me because it feels unhealthy to feel that way, to expect you to walk out at any moment (I know why I expect you to do that, it’s just because it’s always happened I suppose) because really I just want to enjoy every moment I have with you, which most of the time I do. 

I want you to know because I think I need to get help with it. I think I need to talk to someone, and I want you to understand the problem or understand why I need to do that. I also want you to be comfortable, and it might just be the mood, but whether you admit it or not, I’m not sure you are completely comfortable when I’m being overbearing and paranoid. I want to stop having these moods because to me it doesn’t feel fair on either of us, and because I want us to work, which we do, please don’t think I’m saying that we don’t, but I just don’t want this to become a problem or something that you find overwhelming that causes me to end up pushing you away. I think at the moment, when I’m feeling less myself, I just feel like I’m causing you more trouble than I am niceties, and that may not be the case, but I don’t want you to feel like the relationship is becoming a chore rather than something about your life that you look forward to spending time on. I don’t know, again it’s probably just me, who can say. 

I love you and I just want to be fixed. For me to be able to feel normal all of the time, not 90% of the time. Because you are the best thing I never thought I would have and I just don’t want to push you away by being me. 

I don’t know if it’s too soon to tell you and I’m scared but I love you.

I love messing around in the kitchen with you, I love lazy mornings in bed with you, I love going for walks or on adventures with you, I just love you.

brain: you have depression

A lot.

And people will say it’s stupid and that I shouldn’t but I do and I can’t help it. We’re so similar yet no one else seems to get it but us and no one makes me feel as comfortable and happy as I do when I’m messing around laughing with you. It’s not fair because it’ll probably never happen but I honestly feel like you just get me, which sounds so small and childish when you say it out loud but it’s true. I want you. In whatever capacity that’s possible.