flying high.

               lila patted anne’s shoulder, chin tilting towards the base of the staircase. ❛ ah, but i’m doing them all a favor. it’ll give them the focus they need to watch the show rather than ogle us all night. besides, the tickets are bought and paid for. i’m not about to embarrass myself some more by going back there and asking for a change of seats. i’m afraid you’re going to have to deal with me and my fancies once again, kid. think about the better view, if nothing else. ❜ perhaps part of her did want to start some trouble, despite everything she’d told the wheelers. it was one thing to be happy in the other london, with her family and her fame, but it did not entirely light through the first nineteen years of her life, though she’d spent the next five decades trying to make it right. thing was, she did not want to let it go, either. someone else might have forgiven that darkness and moved on, but lila bard had a way of clinging to grudges, nurturing them until they blossomed.                 ❛ if you insist, then we’ll get to that eventually. i promise. ❜ her hand came up to cover anne’s, the antari summoning the regal poise she’d learned from rhy as she led them both towards the next floor. ❛ god forbid i get into a match of stubbornness with you. your brother wears me down enough as it is, ❜ she quipped. anything to take the girl’s mind off what it meant to be here, and rather the immediate splendor of it. her one good eye scanned the crowd, not insistent enough to become intrusive, but cautious all the same. ❛ are you looking for someone ? ❜ she must know some high society, after all, between the circus’ visit to buckingham and barn and carlyle’s acquaintances. still, it would not be pleasant to start a more personal scandal here of all places, knowing the swells did at least as much mingling and socializing here as they did in their own parlors and salons. word would spread like a match dropped in dry grass, and interested as she was in novelty, lila wished she did not know how violent someone could become in their ignorance.                 the sound of anne’s voice drew her back to her own thoughts, a pleased smile creeping onto her lips. ❛ some, maybe. but america’s caught up nicely ; the queen herself wouldn’t have a complain about this one. ❜ she handed their tickets to the attendant, taking a small theatrical bit of satisfaction in delivering her thanks as haughty as any countess, and dropping a few more coins into the woman’s hand as a tip. ❛ the last i saw was with that troop the prince invited. say what you will about the french, but they’ve given us molière and his comedies. my french’s far too rusty to understand every joke they made, but since my husband and i were invited, we considered it distasteful to refuse. do you read plays ? i tried once, but i’ve the hardest time paying attention to words on paper. ❜ ❜

      THE MENTION OF HER BROTHER LEFT ANNE STIFLING A LAUGH. she could only imagine to those outside of her remaining family - that just happened to be w.d. and only w.d. - that the defensive and stubborn nature of the wheelers was somewhat a mystery. it had been essential for survival, or so she’d been brought up thinking anyway. w.d. had always insisted that they remain independent and only trusted themselves. it had worked so far, which left anne not even remotely questioning it. however, despite how amused she was at the sentiment, she couldn’t openly display that nervous joy. it would only draw more attention their way if she was to giggle like some young girl. ❝ i admit, w.d. is far worse than i am, ❞ she settled upon once her nervous amusement had settled enough. instinctively, she took lila’s arm in a firmer grasp than was necessary. truly, she hoped to the outside world that it seemed like she was merely guiding the older woman instead of relying on her as a soft of safety blanket and protection. this entire world was like a fantasy to her, leaving her half distracted and uncharacteristically ignorant of being spoken to by her dear and generous companion.

          ❝ hm? ❞ she sounded, turning her head back from where her eyes had been scanning in confusion. ❝ oh... no. not looking for someone. just... hoping to not see certain someones. ❞ being cryptic was never anne’s strong suit, yet she felt it was more polite to not name names in this crowd. afterall, she may be overheard by someone who knew the carlyles - far more likely than any other scenario given their notoriety - and news would get back to them. ❝ i don’t have the fondest of memories of the entrance hallway and stairs. ❞ she supplied a kind, reassuring smile towards lila. her fondness for the woman was certainly not an act in any way, shape, or form. while w.d. had been more hesitant to trust her and had taken longer to warm up to her, despite now getting along far better than anne had seen him with anyone, anne had been fascinated by lila from day one. her knowledge and experiences and poise were admirable and anne wished she could only emulate them one day. 

          ❝ and monsieur léotard, ❞ anne interrupted, some pride on her features at being able to add to the conversation involving culture. it wasn’t often she was in situations such as these where she didn’t feel like it was a different world and everyone was speaking a different language. ❝ i had the pleasure of seeing him once. it was inspiring. ❞ of course, she’d seen him practicing on a happenstance while clearing the performance area for the next crowd. yet it had driven her towards her current profession with great determination fuelled velocity. her pride was soon diminished however, as she settled a little more comfortably into the theatre seat. a frown settled on her features while her eyes shifted in their confident gaze to settle shyly on her lap. 

                ❛ then let it be enough. ❜ or else. she’d lived too much to let such a thing as shame get to her now, but this place was indeed grating on her nerves. still, the point of this wasn’t her discomfort, or the anger rising to the surface in flares — it was for anne, all of it. ❛ we’ve come this far, ❜ lila told the girl, briefly wrapping her arm around her shoulders before letting go. ❛ wouldn’t it be a pity to go home now ? ❜ even as she spoke, she pushed her hair away from her good eye and glared, having the satisfaction of seeing a few look away in a hurry to flee her gaze. ❛ gossiping’s part of the whole gig, i’m afraid. if they only showed up to see the play like the rest of us, it wouldn’t be such a hassle. ❜ and there she kept talking, eager to both distract anne from unkind whispers and keep her own temper in check. ( some of the theatre-goers were daintily sipping from crystalline flutes, and the temptation to make their contents splash across velvet doublets and party gowns was difficult to ignore. ) 

                ❛ c’mere, lass, i’ll buy our tickets, and everyone can keep wondering how the two of us got the money to pay. two seats in a private box, sir. ❜ those last words were addressed to the puzzled man at the ticket booth, before her attention was on anne again. ❛ there. no one’ll disturb us this way. anyway, once the show starts, they’ll have better things to concern themselves with than a little lady and her grandmother. ❜ the mention of that cover brought a grin to her lips. ❛ ma’am, i’m afraid we no longer have any, i—❜ ❛ nonsense. i checked with your waiting girls at the door. ❜ she slid both a stack of bills and a crown-marked seal across the counter. ❛ two box seats, ❜ lila repeated in the most authoritative voice she had, her other hand still on anne’s shoulders. ❛ unless you’d rather refuse your employer some perfectly good cash. ❜

       A FLEETING SMILE MET ANNE’S FACE MOMENTARILY. if there was ever someone she looked up to and wished she could be half as fearless as one day, it was certainly lila. it was as if nothing phased her, no matter how many obstacles were put in her path she practically brushed them off and carved a new and more direct path to the goal. watching her demeanor, the way in which she was blunt and brutal, in comparison to anne’s far more meek and determined to remain hidden in public view of the world, was outstandingly inspiring. one day, anne hoped she’d have that confidence to let the stares and the words just melt off her like rain from her skin. ❝ you really don’t have to pay for a private box, ❞ she protested weakly. part of her was concerned with the scandal it would bring up; two single women going to the theatre unaccompanied by a man was enough of a scandal. consider those women as black women and sitting in their own private box? anne was sure the city would be discussing the outrage for weeks to come. part of her liked the idea of ruffling the feathers, the other part was concerned with repercussions for the actions.

          ❝ please let me buy you dinner or something in return for this, lila, ❞ anne insisted, her fingers anxiously reaching for lila’s elbow after the slightly attention grabbing misunderstanding at the ticket booth. as lila collected the tickets, anne’s eyes were drawn towards the stairs leading up to the theatre. a nervous swallow followed, fingers gripping on to lila’s arm just a little more. the last time, she’d made it but nine steps up before being shamed enough into leaving. she had never ever gotten the chance to appreciate the architecture of the ceiling, to observe the stunning fashions of the upper class and copy their mannerisms. try as she might to find positives in that night, it was nothing but a dark cloud over her head and the memory left her less than comfortable with standing there. ❝ i insist, ❞ anne continued, forcing a smile onto her face, determined to try and swallow the obvious nerves that were spreading throughout her body. she only hoped not to run into the carlyles again in fear of further having to cast her feelings for phillip aside in order to ensure both of their safety and place in society.

We all make mistakes. Phineas knew that. Mistakes were a part of life. You took the mistakes you made and turned them into lessons, learned from what you had done wrong so that you could do BETTER the next time. But he’d also thought that he’d left his biggest mistakes behind him in his youth. He was getting older, just about to breach fifty- which was an age he’d never even considered reaching when he’d been a boy - and yet he had just made the biggest misstep in his life. He didn’t expect FORGIVENESS. He couldn’t. But he had to hope that maybe what little good he had done would do something to balance out the bad. He had to hope that Charity would agree to see him again so that he could explain, so that he could apologize, so that they could move forward from this. He couldn’t allow his own hubris to ruin over twenty years of marriage.

The tears in her eyes weren’t subtle. But Phineas was trying not to draw attention to it, trying to give her what privacy he could though they were in a public space. Of course, now he was also averting his gaze because he could FEEL his own eyes growing hot. He managed to blink away most of it but they still felt wet and he could tell with just one more push he wouldn’t have much hope of holding back his own tears. He wasn’t particularly keen on public displays of emotion, save for joy. He never saw any need to hide joy. But sorrow, anger, the rest. He considered them much more PRIVATE emotions. Ones that really only Charity was privy too and on occasion the girls as well. “…I wouldn’t have left him in there any more than I would’ve my own girls.” He’d hesitated at first, but only for a brief moment. The decision really hadn’t been a difficult one to make. The only thing that had given him pause was his daughters at his side in that moment and the thought of leaving them to run into that building.

When she spoke next, Phineas raised his eyes to hers, no longer hiding it. It wasn’t an offer that he had been expecting from her, not something that he’d been offered at all from anyone. But then, the list of women he knew well was rather short. But perhaps that was what he sorely NEEDED. A woman’s perspective. His own certainly didn’t seem to be enough because he was at a loss. “No, no, I…that would actually be very helpful…” He took her arm as they started off towards the hospital.

        THE LEVEL AT WHICH P.T. CARED FOR THEM ALL DAWNED ON ANNE IN ONE FATAL SWOOP.  while she had known that he was invested in their wellbeing from day one, ensuring that they had somewhere to be and a place where they could express themselves without fear of retribution, part of her had doubted whether he cared for them as people or simply just business investments. after all, she was fully aware that, without the performers, p.t.’s fortune would have rested elsewhere. there was a strange symbiosis between them; p.t. providing them with a platform while they, in return, financed his grand adventures. yet seeing his pure emotion, hearing that he considered phillip as a mere extension of his close family... it was heartwarming and reassuring all at once. among the fleeting guilt for ever doubting him rested an overwhelming adoration for the creative mind. for far too long, w.d. had been a strange mixture of father, mother and brother to her. therefore, being able to bask in a fatherly figure and accept that emotion was groundbreaking to anne. ❝ i still can’t thank you enough... ❞ she all but whispered, the teary smile lingering on her face.

          as her arm settled into the crook of phineas’ elbow, anne let herself walk on autopilot. since the fire, her life had existed between the apartment she shared with her brother, the hospital and the shortest distance she could walk between the two. it was burned into her conscience enough to trust that they were heading in the right direction as she turned her attention to charity. ❝ i don’t claim to understand or know your wife, mr barnum, ❞ she began, ensuring that she was being careful and not about to overstep the boundaries of trust gifted to her in that moment. ❝ however, had i been in that position... i believe she deserves an explanation of the truth. whatever that entails. ultimately, i believe she missed you. she’s raised your children without you by her side for so long and i’m sure the article feels like a slap to the face. ❞ anne winced slightly as she realised her mind had run away with her. after all, she wasn’t truly one to speak about relationships given that she had been shrugging off phillip’s advances continually and refusing to allow them to just be.

The sight in front of him filled him with warmth. He might have been away for a while (guilt still ate at him for that) but he had seen the looks they had thrown each other even before that and he was glad that Anne wouldn’t let herself be stopped by societies silly rules. Instead of saying any of that right now, however, he simply stayed silent for another moment, eyes drifting to Phillip’s still figure.

“I’m glad.” P.T. fiddled a little with his hat and gave a little shrug at her question. How was he? His hair was a bit singed and he had inhaled some smoke too but it was nowhere near as bad as it was for Phillip so he gave her a tiny smile (so different from his usual bright ones that could lit up a whole room), “I’m okay Anne, don’t worry.”

Her next words where like knife in his heart and his shoulders dropped a little. To him it felt like he didn’t deserve her or Phillip’s gratitude. “I… Anne.. don’t thank me please” did he sound so desperate or was that just to his own ears? “I… if I hadn’t abandoned you all for that empty fame maybe the fire wouldn’t have happened in the first place and Phillip, you and the others would have never been in danger!” This thought had been plaguing him since he had heard that the circus was on fire. 

Taking a shaky breath, P.T. stared at the ground and tried to hold back the tears he had been holding back since he had realised what he had done. He was an optimist at heart but even his optimism wasn’t enough to make him believe that the others would forgive him. “I’m sorry.”

        ❝ MR BARNUM? ❞  anne immediately responded, tone coloured with a mix of shock a disbelief. ❝ there is nothing anyone could have done. we have always had people dislike us and as we grew in our numbers and our confidence, so did they. i believe, if this hadn’t happened now? it would have happened eventually in some capacity. maybe not a fire but... ❞ a soft shrug lifted anne’s shoulders as a shaky little breath left her. the circus was her home, her safe place and a beautiful sanctuary where she had found a family. it was, undoubtedly, destroyed at this point. that fragility caught her, leaving emotion catching in the back of her throat just when she believed she couldn’t shed any more tears. ❝ i need to thank you. not every person would have ran into those flames without a second thought. i’m grateful you were there today. that’s all that matters. ❞ of course, she had harboured many negative feelings towards the ring leader since he had left. feeling like a second choice from someone she had admired had been almost heartbreaking. yet, part of her understood.

LAUGHTER COMES,        at least more easily than the conversation that he finds himself within.       his own voice had never been the loudest when his family were here,        drowned out by good-humoured debate,          swallowed back into his own throat.           the quiet boy in the corner now struck into the centre of the spotlight and he finds it hard to adjust.            he has never beenheroic.           he remembers the stories that his father would tell,           stories from a homeland that created heroes,          and finds himself to be nothing like them.      hadn’’t he once wished that he would be so well loved?          he remembers it well.        “    A HERO?   ”         incredulous tone,           repeats her words back as his own question,          testing them in his mouth.         “     can’t say i’ve ever been one of those.   ”          better to laugh than to answer whether he is more odd than them;           an indian boy,        a new york tone.      who was he really?           what claim could he have to either home?          

“    YOU MESSED UP BECAUSE YOUR HEAD WASN’T IN IT?   ”         at least he is surprised by the way that she speaks.         a few falls from an act like that were only to be expected,         and that she is standing there speaks wonders to how good she is at what she does.       she had not let herself slip when she would truly be hurt.          he offers a smile,       an encouragement           —-          or at least as close to one as he has.           “      i think you made a mistake because you’re a person,         and that is not something to be ashamed of.    you didn’t let yourself fall when it would hurt,         which is impressive.    ”         or at least it is such in his reasoning.        of course,        there had been days when he had sliced himself with his knife,         but the pain only served to increase his muscle memory,         it only made him better.         failure is inevitable.        “     i have no where else i want to go,        and here is better than anywhere else.   ”

         ❝ THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, ❞  anne chimed in return, although there was a part of her that was saddened by the reaction. she’d half expected anyone who didn’t turn a blind eye to someone else’s suffering would accept the compliment and title rather easily. and yet, nadir seemed to block it without a thought. a soft hum left her as she brushed down her practice wear. even around her circus family, she had moments of feeling self conscious and particularly under dressed in less performance-oriented circumstances. ❝ unfortunately, ❞ she replied, a shrug emphasising her self punishment. a dry laugh left her then, gaze lingering on the rope burn on her hand, where the pain was dulling at an incredible rate - whatever nadir kept on hand for these situations, she had to find out. ❝ it may surprise you, nadir, but trapeze isn’t all in the muscles. i only make mistakes when my focus is elsewhere. my hands never slip. my feet never falter. the bars and rings and ropes are always there. it’s just my mind to blame. ❞

          as much as anne truly appreciated the kind words that, she assumed, were meant to be an emotional ointment, anne had never been one to give herself the benefit of the doubt. ❝ you didn’t let me fall, ❞  she corrected, a softness tinting her tone as she began to test her balance and steadiness of her feet again. the last thing she needed was a sprain or a pulled muscle to pull her out of the next few shows. without the performances, she wasn’t entirely sure what she would do. her life before the circus seemed like a lifetime ago, where her fingertips were raw from sewing, knuckles cracking from cleaning, feet swollen and painful from never settling. her gaze lifted back to the other, frown settling on her brow as she considered his statement. in all her life, she had never quite felt that. she had always had w.d. to return to, no matter where they were. it didn’t matter if they had a tiny room in a boarding house or a sheltered alleyway, she’d always had a place to return to. 

          however, there was part of her that felt a tinge of sympathy. clearing her throat again, realising that she had been winded on the way down and had strained her vocal chords with a cut off squeal of sorts, anne let her shoulders lift in a small shrug. ❝ this place? this is utopia, ❞ she responded, a playful lilt to her voice. there wasn’t part of her that didn’t believe her own words. barnum’s circus, despite the heartache it left her with and continued to provide, had given her things she had never imagined she would have. it had given her the chance to know the most incredible people who understood each other in ways the rest of the world couldn’t. it provided a safe haven, where they could laugh and joke and enjoy the things society told them they couldn’t. it had allowed her to fall in love, to live out her dreams and to expand her family. looking around, the fondness was clear on her face even in her less than chipper mood.