Grapesurlavine

I'm writing this in my apartment as I sit on my couch. My daughters are asleep. I am watching a rom com with Anne Hathaway. I'm 28, and if I'm honest, my life is 100X's better than I could've ever imagined it would be at this point in my life.

I have structure and routine that keeps me sane.

I have attempted dating over the last year and some of the men I have met have been great, but no one worth building a life with.

I have not yet met someone who has been able to give me more than I already give myself.

I am living comfortably with my daughters and we are able to live such a happy life. I am hesitant to add someone into the mix.

I haven't posted here in what seems like forever. I gave birth to twin girls! So I am officially a mama as of June 29 at 12:45 pm!

I am so grateful to have my girls.

Single mom life isn't as hard as I thought, but also somewhat harder. I am completely capable, but the idea of having help to do all of this would be so amazing and this would be a walk in the park if I had someone to support me with the house tasks. I would love to just take care of my kiddos.

Would listen to me when I talk about signs and how for the past few days at 11:11 I have coincidentally been listening to empowering songs that have to do with getting out of abusive relationships and escaping narcissism. 

I AM TRYING AND THE UNIVERSE IS ONMY SIDE.

I HAVE STILL BEEN CONTACTED EVEN AFTER THREATENING A RESTRAINING ORDER. 

JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE. 

WHAT ABOUT ME MAKES ME DIFFERENT FROM ANY ONE ELSE?! JUST GO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I AM DONE.

So I am just going to list incidents and lmk if I should get a restraining order... It is spread out over a 2 year span by the way.

- looking in my windows when I had the blinds up

- ringing my doorbell until I answer the door

- waiting outside until I get home

- asking where I go when I would leave MY OWN APARTMENT

- If I block their number, calling my phone on a blocked number

- Lying about their sexual safety saying they wren’t sleeping around and then giving me an STD

- gaslighting

- emotional abusing me saying “You don’t have any friends”

- No-one actually likes you, they just feel bad for you

- parking infant of my apartment

- trying to slap me

- broken rib

- forces me into sexual situations by manipulation

- call me a slut after forcing me to do sexual things

Well here I am entering a journal entry for today.

I keep going between my two blogs writing some here and writing some there. For some reason not keeping everything I care for in one place makes me feel somewhat safe. I’ve had so many accounts hacked, things stolen from me personally and for once it would be nice to just keep what’s mine.

So I recently was hospitalized. No need to worry though I am out and recovering! 

This is a safe space we can talk about anything right?! well... I kinda almost died. They said I got a disease that spread to my Fallopian tubes and almost ended me with organ failure. I actually almost needed a hysterectomy. Pretty scary stuff for a 25 year old who hasn’t had any kids yet.

I had a disease, then when I was in there I tested positive for COVID. After that if it wasn’t already enough as it was, I still had the sharp pain in my right side that initially brought me to the emergency room. I ended up having a fractured rib. I know how I got it.. But a I going to play stupid? Also, yes.

Have you ever tried to protect someone even when they were hurting you? Over and over and over and over again.

Well I made it! I’m still here and I have had this huge revelation for myself.

I want what is best for myself, truly!

So out with the old and in with the new, I am ready to give my self the pressure I was searching for in someone else. I am going to give myself patience during this journey because we know it is never easy to be in your own corner when your mind and should was the one keeping you from being truly happy.

I chose so many people and choices that would hurt me than the choices and people that would help build me and make me better and help me grow.

But now.

NOW.

Today and all of the days moving forward, I CHOOSE ME!

So the ones that hurt me I blocked and I let go of the toxicity..  unfollowed those who would trigger me back into the same behaviors and patterns I was in before.

I am in therapy too!

who would’ve guessed...

I was just hospitalized after my assault.

almost lost my uterus and ability to have babies thanks to this piece of scum and I have a cracked rib.

I have learned from abusive relationships...WHY DID I GET BACK IN ONE.

I really struggle during the holidays because I miss my papa so much. My grandpa made my life better in so many different ways. So missing him definitely brings up some grief and loss. Also, I can remember being really young and my parents have weak relationships with their family and I felt extremely responsibility for their happiness. 

One thing that has been heavy on my heart lately has been the fact that at such a young age I knew that my parents suffered from depression and I saw them grow up and reach for those unhealthy coping mechanisms. So, when I got older and realized I had developed depression, I also reached out for those unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was probably at my lowest 19-21. I would spend every night out with people partying trying to feel something, because I was so numb to happiness. 

When I was a child I can remember knowing about my parents attempts at suicide and I was always so upset because I thought there was something I could do to convince them that they should want to be alive. I saw so much so young and I really would do anything to help young babies not have to experience what I saw. It is so completely normal to struggle with postpartum depressions, but please get the help you need so that your children don’t internalize your struggles. It is also so normal that if you are going through PTSD from being across seas to have days that you feel loss, grief, and different types of pain. But, if you have children please don’t let them feel that you would be happier dead. Because that shows that you would be happier without them. 

I have internalized all of this as a child and have had to learn on my own how to healthily have friendships and relationships without self sabotaging them. I have had a village raise me, but it can get lonely still never feeling that lack of “belonging”.