I best introduce myself I am a 51 year old perimenopausal literally about to lose her mind of 4 children, my eldest is 28, my youngest is 5! Let me tell you ladies Tequila is never a good thing! I honestly had no idea you could get pregnant at 45! But here I am 5 years later and he is a gift, a medically complex, non verbal gift who screams so much. I often imagine him in his little world screaming along to some intense death metal but normally it's just anything, and it's tiring especially when I'm neuro spicy. His medical needs are ever ongoing there is no rest, no space in-between the blue lighting or the quick "oh god we have to go to the hospital now" times. 5 years of constantly being on a knifes edge. Oh he is so worth it though in those moments where he giggles, or loves on you, sits in the sun in the window like he's a cat appreciating the sun's warmth flooding in through the window. The way he can tell jokes in his non verbal way, with long sentences of sound with nuances of humour then bursting into laughter, I laugh for a long time he appreciates it. Well I think He does you can never tell. But his eyes are the most intense beautiful chestnut brown with flashes of light that just melt you, his eyes so wise with hidden knowledge that the world probably won't understand, that's why it has to be hidden. The way he courageously battles through everything, he puts me to shame.
After he was born after an uneventful pregnancy, the shock hit, and hit hard, he died multiple times, he was in the NICU for 4 months and the childrens hospital for a month, then we were told "here's your sick child take him home" and that's when my perimenopause decided to start, and I am going to be honest it's hell. And to all you ladies who have breezed through it, fuck off!! How did you get so lucky? Mine began mentally then little things like not being able to lose weight however much I tried, eating, not eating, walking, swimming, not eating after 7 at night, I'm barely able to eat breakfast until 10:30 in the morning due to all the things I have to do. Then you add insult to injury and whack 4 kilos on! Even though you're doing the same thing every day..I went to the local doctor here in my tiny town and I complained I couldn't lose weight , her words were "well get used to it" I was truly shocked, I didn't want to get used to it, why should I get used to it, I think most of it is cortisol fat to be honest, as life is stressful and I often do 18 hour days with my little one. It took months to get help, years I kept getting dismissed , you had a baby of course Your not in perimenopause, course I am in perimenopause!!! I ended up having to pay for a private hormone test, God love the NHS! And begged the doctor to look, by this point I was spacey my hair was falling out, more weight around my stomach and the worst thing ..... The PMDD ... Well that hurts you like nothing you have ever experienced before. The suicidal thoughts, the wanting to just end it, as in your mind the hormones made you feel crazy, stupid a bad parent everything anyone said badly about you, and to be honest I had my fair share I used to be with my older children huge, I was an undiagnosed celiac and that can go one of 2 ways either your super skinny or your fat and I was gigantic I had people where I used to live call me a dog and spit on me. So when I finally stopped the gluten I lost so much weight I started to enjoy finding nice clothes I had confidence my waist when go 25 inches now I dare not even think how fucking big it is!! I miss being skinny I miss feeling elegant, now I just feel like a heifer, most days I don't even get time to do my hair, that's not just the wee man it's the severe depression I have and severe complex PTSD not just from watching my wee man suffer but from darker times being sexually groomed by my step father, thankfully he never crossed the line but it was close..so very close. My birth mother is horrendous jealous,brutal and cruel. And the list goes on ....
I have seen that magic mushrooms 🍄 are supposed to help you with these things that constantly float about in my mind, mainly the starkness of loneliness of being a parent to a special needs child. My husband feels the same it's lonely and isolating, my constant inner meltdowns , my masking, the dark thoughts of suicide....
