Now What?

I needed so much more than I was giving. I never knew what I had. The number was rising and all I knew was pleasure. I never meant to hurt anyone. Especially me and especially you. I was in a haze that could not be lifted. I never knew what God had gifted. I feel so distant and disconnected now. I only knew my wants and my needs, they were so selfish and all greed. I hate me most of the time, justifiably so. I'll never know all the hurt I've caused but I want to know. Or do I? I was a shell. That is why I'm writing this. I only know two things, my heart is empty without you and I can't move on. The second is my young will never know what I truly feel for them and I fear the world I've left for them to go on. I want what I can't have. It's ok though. Because I know I was loved more than once. I pissed it all away for what? Another sunny day or another piece of what I thought I wanted and couldn't have. And then I found that I was good at deceit and made it a part of my love and life. How do I go back and make reparations? Should I even try? I know who I am and what I want and it is more than I deserve. I'll never be what I once was which is good and bad. I was once a great person and man but I've fallen down so many times that I may not know how to be what I should be. Shall I ever get back up? I still lead people on with a smile and good banter but I feel I am more than just an empty shell now. I need more. I want more. I am better than what I was before. I've left so much turmoil in my wake and wish I could take it all back. But I know so much more now. I am ready to be good for me and those around me. I am ready to love without boundaries and to be loved in the same way. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I know that I am ready to face it all. Be it good or bad.