restless heart lazy mouth

“Oh, well I may not be a qualified nurse like you are but I’d like to think my medical knowledge is at least somewhat sufficient enough to know when I am and when I’m not going crazy.” A small hint of laughter escaped. In truth, that one felt like a real joke between the two of them. The guilt was constant however. They both knew that it was no one’s fault. Accidents happened and while it was a joyous one for Vienna, that feeling like she’d done something wrong was one that she now carried with her. Deep down inside, there was a worry that settled there. Like maybe, she’d ruined Tripp’s life in a way. The sadness hit her even harder as he tacked on that last part and a frown made its way back onto her features. His words had almost made her feel better, if only it weren’t for the last part. “I know but this wasn’t something which you signed up for.” She leaned back again, her head feeling like it were spinning again and honestly, Vienna didn’t know whether she could pin that down to the fact that she weren’t feeling well or if it was the guilt bubbling over again.

“I figured that you would be wise enough but if you ever feel yourself questioning it just call me first. I can at least diagnose your craziness for free,” he joked back. He hated that those moments were so few now. That it was a few seconds of relief of feeling normal with her before that heaviness settled back in. As selfish as he had been lately Tripp never wanted to be this way. He was up countless nights caught up in his thoughts wishing that he could be different. That the sins of his father didn’t leak into so much of his life. That he couldn’t just want something so normal that most people did. Vienna couldn’t know how badly he wished he wanted what she wanted. That he could lean in to the feelings that she had for him, and give her the picture perfect family. “You didn’t sign up for any of this either. At least I’m sure you wouldn’t have in this way.” He excused himself to go back to the kitchen, grabbing a hand towel and wetting it lightly before coming back. “Here,” he sat on the edge of the cushion where she was, gently placing the towel on her forehead. 

“I was going to say. Something tells me that you’ll still be really attractive even when you’re old.” She couldn’t imagine a world where Tripp didn’t look great. “Um.. A gentleman who wants to maximize his time with his friends and family.” Nothing really sounded sexier to her. Bridget listened carefully as Tripp talked about his work. They both complained almost constantly, but she had seen Tripp in action. She knew he loved it. “I would have to guess that it’s a combination of both. You’re great out there.”

“Thank you for that. I have very high hopes of someday reaching a silver fox status,” he smiled, admittedly his looks mattered to him more than he cared to admit but growing up that was what he was taught. That his appearance mattered. “I don’t really know that even remotely sounded sexier but it really means a lot to me that you tried. Always important to at least attempt.” Tripp laughed, crossing the street to the next block where the restaurant was he had ordered from. “Well it’s nothing compared to what you surgeons do.”

“Hmmm, glad it’s not just me going crazy then.” Vienna replied, a nod following his words. “Yeah, I do but you know what I’m like. I hate reaching out and feeling like I’m bothering people.” She shrugged, her eyes falling to the cup of tea that was now perched on the coffee table. “Thank you.” She let out expecting it to stop there. She figured he’d probably take off now that she were settled on her place on the couch and had a hot drink with her so feeling his touch again was unexpected. “I guess I’m just so used to being the one whose taking care of other people. It feels strange to have the roles reversed.” She found herself admitting but her eyes fluttered up to look at him not long after. It felt strange. The simple gesture or the feeling of his touch wasn’t a foreign one but it was one that had been lacking for a while, especially so feeling the tenderness coming from him. “I’m sorry for uplifting your plans for the day.”

“Pretty sure that feeling of hitting insanity is a right of passage into parenthood. At least you aren’t like some of the parents who have to come to the ER because of it.” He definitely had his fair share of stories. “You and Evander are not a bother. You deserve a life outside of him. He can still be the center of it while you have some freedom.” While he probably wasn’t the most reassuring person to be giving this speech, it didn’t mean that he didn’t mean it. His hand lingered slightly on her. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe a part of him craved the contact with her. Remembering all the nights that he couldn’t keep his hands off of her, even after sex. “Everyone needs to be taken care of every once in a while.” Though him saying it out of all people was hypocritical. His hand dropped. “Stop apologizing. This is what parenting is all about right? Depending on each other. For Evander,” he tacked on.

“Really makes you not want to get old sometimes right?” Bridget pulled a sweater on over her scrubs as they made their way out of the hospital, getting some fresh air and sunlight for the first time all day. “Well a very efficient gentleman then.” She chuckled. “You know I used to absolutely dread my shifts in the ER when i was in school? I don’t know how you do it.”

“I dread it every birthday,” he admitted with a slight laugh. “Though if I can be thankful to my father for one thing is that I come from some pretty good genes.” And that was about the only thing he had to thank the son of a bitch for. “Is there a way that we can make that sound a little more sexy?” He joked, head turning towards her as they walked. “Don’t get me wrong, some days I ask myself that too after some of the shit fests that have happened but there is nothing else I’d rather do. Maybe it’s the rush or getting to be there for someone in the moments they need someone to let them voice their fear to.”

“Yeah, maybe. For now my me time is the five minutes I get alone in the shower and even then, I feel like I can hear phantom crying.” Vienna found herself admitting although her comment was meant to come across as a joke even if it maybe didn’t quite hit the mark. The joys of motherhood, she loved. There wasn’t a single regret about having Evander in her life now but she hated the fact that every now and then, she longed for more. Like it should’ve been enough for her just to have her son but there were times and moments where she wished there was someone else by her side to share it with. The good moments and the not so good. Seeing Tripp floating around in her house almost made her long for that once again but those were thoughts she kept to herself. “Yeah, well, you know me. My brain doesn’t turn off.” The truth was she’d been thinking about Tripp, worrying about how he was doing with Evander even though Vienna knew perfectly well that he was capable. Still, it was her motherly instinct to be nervous and worry, especially when she’d flung it on him in such short notice. “You really don’t have to look after me but thank you.”

“Does have a way of just ringing in your ear even when it’s stopped,” he agreed. “But soon you’ll be able to get a piece of yourself back. You have plenty of people to make sure that 5 minutes can be longer.” He knew that Vienna wanted this. That being a fulltime mom fit her well but he didn’t want not having the conventional family to make her lose her identity and just be seen as a mother. He didn’t want his faults to be what made her feel even more consumed like she would have something to make up for. When he said he would be there in this he was a man of his word. Maybe emotionally he couldn’t give everything but the rest he could do. Prepping the tea how he knew that she liked it, Tripp made his way over to the couch, setting it on the coffee table. “How about you stop being stubborn for just one night and let someone help you,” his scolding was light. He pushed back her hair, tenderly to feel her forehead again.

“It went well thankfully. Just a double knee replacement so at least it was straight forward.” Bridget closed out of her work with a grin on her face. “You ordered for me? Such a gentleman.” She grabbed her wallet and started to follow Tripp out of the hospital. “How has your day been going?”

“Double? Poor bastard.” He waited for her to grab her things before heading out. “Total gentleman. One that couldn’t stand another cafeteria meal and didn’t want to waste time waiting.” He pushed the elevator button, turning slightly. “It’s been a relatively quiet day. As much as it can be in the ER. Nothing tragic but my shift is still young.”

“I do miss it, a little bit. Mainly the people but this is different. It’s nice being a mother but I do miss being a little more social and seeing people again.” Vienna found herself settling on. Of course, there were many struggles. It wasn’t all glamourous raising Evander and it certainly wasn’t easy but it was worth it. Eventually becoming a mother was something that Vienna had wanted and looked forward to her whole life even if she had always pictured it differently. Still, seeing Tripp move around the kitchen where they’d spent many moments together felt like a tiny bit of familiarity again. “That’s good. He was super restless before I called you. I didn’t know what I’d do if he’d stay up all day.” She found herself admitting. Of course, there were moments of vulnerability and panic that settled in every now and then where she was unsure if she could do it. Yet, as much as she hated reaching out and asking for help, she knew deep down that Tripp would always say yes when in doubt. “I – I’m okay, really. I took something a few hours ago and tried to get a bit of rest while Evander was with you.” She shrugged.

“You can hopefully find some you time in the mix of it all soon.” He nodded in understanding. Not that he could relate. Yes, he had taken off a couple weeks when Evander was just born but then he went back to work and most of the time he still had his independence. He knew the older their kid got that would change and he really didn’t let himself think about it. He was already freaked out enough about the now. He had a handle of things enough but every day Tripp prayed that the adoration for being a father would kick in. That he wasn’t just going through the emotions. It wasn’t like he felt nothing for his son. It was just that the negative weighed so heavily on him that he could never seem to be that way Vienna was. Finding that joy in parenthood. “The car always seems to settle him. You can always text me on a rough day,” he offered. Hearing the whistle of the kettle he went back to the stove. “Tried doesn’t sound great. After I make this tea I’ll get something for you to take.”

“Me too, I’m starving. I was in surgery all morning.” Bridget looked at her paperwork and her current patients. “Yeah I should be for a little bit. Let’s get out of here.”

“Oh yeah, Boniadi said that she was gonna be on that one with you. How’d it go?” He gave a smile when she agreed to go. “Good because I already ordered ahead and I don’t want to be the sad looking guy eating two meals alone.”

“I’ll be expecting it.” The last thing Vienna really wanted to do was overthink things. They were so far now from what they used to be but their lives had also evolved and completely changed. She knew that talking about Evander was probably just them avoiding talking about the elephant in the room but at the same time, Evander was her life now. Her purpose, so it wasn’t as if she disliked talking about their son. Just disliked the fact that they seemly used him as a distraction now. “That’s good. And how about his sleeping?” She questioned as she curled up on the couch, feeling another headache coming on. “I hope he didn’t give you too much trouble.” Vienna tried to keep her tone normal as she pulled the blanket back over herself.

“Speaking of. How is leave going for you? Miss work at all or glad to be away?” There was a lot that Tripp missed about having her there. But that started before she had the baby. He never even realized how much his time there had come to revolve around her until he didn’t let it anymore. The way they tried to time their breaks. How they would come to see each other when they had a chance. When she’d stay a little longer than her shift so he could pull her in to somewhere private and kiss her. He longed for all those times. “He slept fine. I finally got the crib up for him,” he mentioned, looking for the teabags as the water heated up. “No more than a baby usually gives. I was probably the more difficult one.” He looked over at her. “Have you taken anything?”

Her lips curved up with the slightest hint of a smile breaking through. “But I’m making you work overtime then.” The least she could do was attempt to joke. He had always been so caring at the most unexpected of times and it seemed that was something that hadn’t exactly changed. Yet still, Vienna gave in. She didn’t have enough energy in her to fight back and tell him that she didn’t need him so she found herself shuffling over to the living room instead. “How was he today?” She let the question slip through, trying to find any means of not having to talk about herself as she slid down onto the couch.

“I’ll send my bill at the end of the month.” They had to joke even if it was forced. They had to find a way to have some normalcy. Admittedly for a long time it was like Tripp was waiting for something to go back to feeling the same. That was never going to happen and he was having a hard time accepting it. He followed her until she went to the couch and instead he went to the kitchen, grabbing the kettle to make some tea. “He was good. Getting better about taking the bottle though it still takes a bit. Can’t blame him for preferring it from mom.”

He meant well but that pang of guilt still struck in her chest with his comment. It was no secret that Tripp had never wanted a kid. In fact, he had made that perfectly clear of that so Vienna figured this was just another thing on the list that list of things that he didn’t want to do. Yet, with her observations of him, he seemed so gentle and cautious and caring when it came to their son. “Oh no, honestly – I’m fine.” She found herself protesting when Tripp came up to her, his touch unexpected yet comforting. She didn’t feel fine but he didn’t have to know that. “Really Tripp, you don’t have to take care of me too.” The words came out gently.

His few hours with Evander was clearly not all that she needed. Despite the fact that they weren’t together, she was the mother of his child and he did feel some responsibility for her. She had majority of the care taking, and in truth her preferred that, but he also felt the need to do his part in this. And he cared about her. The rough past year didn’t change that. “You’re sick and I took an oath as a nurse,” he half-joked, directing her into the hallway. “I don’t work until tomorrow. I’m staying.”

“I know.” The words left her lips quietly but still, the situation felt delicate. In a perfect world, she wouldn’t have even had to call him. He would’ve just been there by her side but their situation was unique. Calling Tripp and asking him to step in felt like a favour and that relying on him was imposing. “I just hope you didn’t have to rearrange your plans for the day too much.” She kept her voice low, trailing behind a few steps. Not having the energy for the day made her feel useless.

Tripp in no way was one to claim that he was starting off this co-parenting and being a father off well. Yet with as many faults as he had and was sure how he’d come short, he was going to be there for his kid and that meant being there for Vienna too. “If anything it saved me from having to do stuff that I didn’t want to do,” he offered the comment. He was gentle as he undid the straps, lifting his son carefully from the car seat to the crib, his motions slow so that he didn’t wake. He turned to look at Vienna. He went up to her putting the back of his hand to her head. “You’re warm. Come on, coach or bed, you choose.”

“Thanks, that’ll be fine.” She stepped aside to let them both in, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders as Vienna forced out a small smile. “I’m sorry about the last minute call. I would’ve taken care of him myself or asked someone else but I’ve been so under the weather lately and I just needed some rest. I didn’t know who else to call.”

Things had been off for a long time but the party had left things even more so. He never thought he’d be grateful that their son worked as a way to avoid just about everything else. “You don’t need to apologize for being sick. I’m pretty sure calling the other parent is what you are supposed to do,” he commented, making his way back to the nursery.

“I need food,” Tripp gave a slight whine. “You good for a break?”

“Hey,” he said quietly, holding Evander in the car seat. “He fell asleep in the car. Want me to just put him in his room?”

“You’re right. You’re not obligated to me.” Vienna stated, repeating the words he had just used. That was the truth. They both knew it so why was she even feeling this way in the slightest? From how he was reacting, maybe he was just completely unaware to the fact that she had seen him kissing Bridget earlier. “Okay but why, Tripp? Why is it that you suddenly want to spend time with me?” She couldn’t help the way the words came out sounding slightly frustrated. “I’m not tying you down to me and you know what – maybe you’re right. Maybe I just don’t want to right now.” The last part slipped out by accident but as much as she tried to keep it all bottled up, she couldn’t hold it back any longer.

“That isn’t how I meant it.” His tone was still calm but it was more than evident that there was an air of frustration between them. Neither of them were blind to it, but it seemed like they were trying their best to not let it out. What relationship the had was frail enough. It felt like it couldn’t be due for another fight but both of them just playing dumb was aggravating him even more. As much as he hated being the one to open it up he was too tired for games. “If you don’t want to be around me, fine. Then don’t be around me. But at least be honest about why instead of using Evander as an excuse.”

“Yeah, well maybe.” She let the comment fall away. Really, that wasn’t the real reason why she didn’t want to be here anyway. Vienna knew that it was good for herself to get out especially when she’d spent the last month doting over Evander and him being her entire world. It was just the events that had unfolded before her eyes that had her regretting coming out and she figured if it weren’t for that, she’d probably have been perfectly fine. “Oh come on, you don’t have to hide it. I know that wasting your night away with me is probably the last way you want to spend it.” She let the words slip out quietly but she never straight up referred to what she had witnessed earlier. The truth was, she had been blissfully unaware since Evander was born. Now however, there was a heaviness that she felt with him moving along so easily.

She wasn’t really wrong and yet he wasn’t ready to admit that she right either. His feelings for Vienna were complicated. It wasn’t like having a kid just made everything he had felt for her disappear. It wasn’t gone it just didn’t feel right. Not because of her but because of him. To have the feelings he did and tell her, he had to have more in him for them as a family. It all had such a heavier weight now. Because it wasn’t about just them. It was about their child. There was so much to unpack in that and he wasn’t ready. Still he hated hearing her say he didn’t want to spend time with her. “I’m not obligated to you. I asked because I wanted to ask and I have never said I don’t want time with you. It’s you who is acting like you don’t want to be next to me.”