A Random Train of Thought

You know, we started off amazing. You helped me with my problems, and I supported you through the tough times. We were a rock for each other. And it worked. Although we weren't the most functional of people, we were enough for each other. And then it started. It may have been a little tap here, and light poke there, or an accidental glancing of hands. But these little things added up. But was it the right time? We both had just finished chapters in our life, and it seemed like it wasn't the right time. Of course, I will never truly know how you felt, but I fell first. Congrats. So, I tried to hide it. Obviously. Because that's what us guys do. Yet, you kept chipping away at this hard surface I had built up for myself. And it worked. Now that I look back, I wonder how much of that was fake. It hurts to think that it was fake. That would invalidate every experience.

But that day, I thought I knew what we had was real. Will I ever know? No. Am I okay with not knowing? No. But I will be. Yet when you said those fateful words, I was conflicted. How was I supposed to respond? So I tried to convey all of my emotions into a chill, laid back response. At the time it seemed to work. So we continued upon the path we had laid out. Secret meetings, late night talks, secret whispering, all became part of my routine. And I think they became a part of yours. Yet I felt as if I was in it more than you were. This was much more a game to you than it was to me. Of course, I don't know that for a fact. But all the events seem to lead to that conclusion.

Anyways, it was fun and exciting and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. And then that other event happened. When I first found out I was shocked. I didn't think he would ever do that. But he did. So, I tried to fix it. But he told me his opinion, and said it wouldn't change. I was going crazy trying to fix this for you. Why did I go crazy? We both know the answer to that one. So what did I do? I talked to people.

I talked to my best friend. He gave me some very good advice that I think will last a long time. However, I still felt as if I couldn't get the weight off my chest. So I spilled everything. To whom? My room. The response I got? Silence. But it helped me think. It helped me rationally figure out the actual consequences here. Which, as it turns out, aren't that much. People will assume what they want, and the spreading or not spreading of a rumor won't change that.

So I guess you're probably wondering why I'm telling you all of this. Truth is, I don't really know. I am posting this in hopes that you read it, and in hopes that you don't. I want you to know what I go through for you, what I put on the line for you, even how crazy I go for you. And my question for you is how can you not see? How can you not see what I'm doing for you? How can you not see how I feel about you? Or do you see and choose to ignore it? If you do, I can appreciate that because I don't want to get hurt. And it will hurt so much. Right now, there's an empty gap in my daily timeline. And it's funny. We're not even in a relationship. So what are we doing? I wish I knew the answer. But I don't.