UNATTAINABLE

tem sido um daqueles momentos da vida em que eu finalmente to mais presente. poxa to no segundo trem do dia de itapevi pra barra funda, e fora os vendedores incrivelmente barulhentos, tem sido gostoso sentar com os meus pensamentos, analisar minhas escolhas das ultimas semanas.

sinto que melhorei ao manter meu espaço organizado, minha mente mais leve em relação ao que tá alem de mim, mais certa das coisas que não me descem mas também das que me crescem bem grandona.

das minhas ref, da minha pesquisa. do que eu quero que me relacionem quando ouvirem meu nome.

eu sei, tem sonhos que são bem altos, mas com 14 eu já tinha a altura que eu tenho pô

já tô aqui, então bora né

i’m still trying hard not to think or write about “not so good” things about me, since i’m working on my self image. so now i’m gonna make s list of the things i remember and add the new ones im grateful for:

my body which allows me to go places, hug and kiss the ones i want around and my voice to speak up either if it’s on unfairness or praising someone

my brain for allowing me to be creative even on the smallest situations, such as organising things or how will i get dressed for work tomorrow

my memory who reminds me of the reason why i do things, to have the nostalgia of having lived something important to me, to remember the ones who are not here and what not to repeat it…

são 7:07 e eu não me reconheço mais. em algumas coisas sim, nas combinações de roupas que eu consumava usar, nas fotos de outras vidas que eu vivi, nunca me lembrei de me sentir tão perdida de mim mesma.

e olha que eu sobrevivi uma adolescência ein? acho que deixar de escrever pode ter agravado e muito esse meu “quadro”.

talvez porque ficou tudo preso aqui dentro e se fundindo com os sentimentos novos e antigos. this cant be right…

i lost track of simple and stupid adult things like keeping my wardrobe functional, washing all my clothes in the same week, or even scheduling the exams my dr asked me in february. its not cute and im stuck.

this one is about you

i think ill never make it up for all the things she did for me. and I feel terrible about it

i only get to see her for such little time and i live so far away now, but every time I see her, and whats left of what once was my grandma, i crumble completely

cause i know there is nothing I can do…. besides spend time with her. but we no longer have conversations, she cries out of nowhere and she would be so pissed if she knew they are not dying her hair anymore.

today she called for her father, and also said she was in pain. i think she might be reliving some memories from her childhood… and maybe it wasnt the good ones.

im sorry grandma

im sorry you were not safe your whole life, im sorry we couldnt pay for some place better cause we dont have the money to, im sorry you suffered things that you cant even talk about. im sorry not everyone comes to see you and im sorry your body hurts.

i really hope you find some peace when you go, and im sorry i didnt stay longer today.

it hurts me so much to see you like this

thats very 40’s of us

i know you have someone new exactly just like you to go on that path of self destruction cause that’s what keeps you in motion

i’m still here shaping little minds thinking about the ones who couldnt have all the structure and social cuts to turn into decent men who loves and cares and respects who’s with them

but more than that, who loves and respects themselves. i know there are so many other reasons that breaks a man’s heart

i hate you i miss you

i smell your shirts cause i cant kiss you

i know you’re no good but u also not that bad

you are actually great at messing with my head

and i get goosepumbs everytime i remember that even though we were never meant to be but found each other anyway

and now i want an explanation from the universe on why did they bring you in

today i got my student’s driver looking at me again. the type of look from someone who’s not in a place to bargain

deep down we both know no one’s made out of steel i like the way they look at me and how those eyes make me feel

im not sure i want to park my donkey on your sidewalk anymore it seems like theres been a lot of them hanging in this neighborhood and i dont want mine to get hungry or neglected

she deserves luv, cuddles and fresh carrots. i cant just leave her in your arms and leave like i know what the fuck is going on

why am i trying to fit in situations that dont fit me? how am i supposed to find a place where i can just be without worrying if im welcomed, enough, or desired?

because honestly, i always think that im the extra one, the odd ball, the one who got there after and therefore is lacking some important information

and guess what i don’t like it

cause i don’t wanna ask but i still wanna know or at least i wish i was part of the story to be told in the first place

that’s also overthinking

i’m always finding a new place to be from, and i wanna be sure when i dont have a chance to grow any of my rosemaries

yup you are a representation of something on my mind. we dont even talk anymore, yet you appeared in my dreams

twice this week

its not even your face, but just the name and the slightest possibility of seeing you - which i didnt, even on those dreams haha

…

it annoys me to accept that i lost many years of my life worrying about what i could create as a team

that i forgot that i can create so much on my own. still, some company feels nice.

same shit, different night is this how people relate to each other nowadays?

[is this the only subject i feel free to write about because it helps leaving the feelings here in this dusty tumblr in english so fewer people have the interest or even access on reading?]

is this gonna hunt me when im famous?

de repente eu sou a mais irritada da fila, chegando a duvidar das intenções da atendente do poupatempo quando disse que a maquininha de cartão não tava funcionando.

são 12:10 e meu agendamento foi as 11:45, sendo que tinha que estar lá as 11:30. Horário de almoço. nervos ainda mais a flor da pele conforme a fome vai se alastrando pelo meu corpo. só me resta escrever raivosamente aqui enquanto espero.

meu pai teve a ideia de fazer um joguinho e pagar os R$124,06 da transferência de cnh ao mesmo tempo. ontem a gente tava planejando em como recorrer à multa que ele levou por dirigir sem cinto.

calculamos que, com base nas 12 pessoas na minha frente, lá pelas 12:44 eu vou ter pago essa bendita transferência. esta que tenho que fazer pra poder renovar a também bendita carteira de habilitação nacional.

sendo que nem carro tenho.

sometimes i low key hate this immaturity that i carry with me into thinking that intimacy can be a real thing for me why am i always aiming wrong? i dont wanna shoot anymore

fuck the game fuck the players just dont fucking touch me anymore

it hurts too much to notice that im the one allowing all this to happen.

all. over. again.

no one is coming i know i need to heal myself

to start doing the things i love unlocking new ways of being so i dont get what, hurt? embarassed that i created most of it inside my head? how did i even got this far?