sylvan

Sitting in this dark room, it's cloudy outside and the sun is fading into the night. I'm listening to Blade and Bath because it reminds me of him. I'm not sure what I did wrong or if I did anything at all, but regardless it hurts my soul and I feel that same guilt wash over me all over again now combined with a sense of grief. I'm not sure why I thought it'd last, it's not like I can maintain a relationship with anyone to save my life. I miss him horribly and I love him so much it hurts, but can I tell him that? No. No because it's not fair to him with everything awful going on in his life. I can't guilt trip him even if it'd be unintentional. I'm just being selfish and letting my mental health get the best of me. I need to let this shit go, but I can't. I just can't. I don't think I've ever loved anyone like this since I was a kid. I missed that familial kind of love with someone who isn't technically family. I missed it so much I grasped onto it knowing I probably shouldn't have and now I can't let it go. I just want him to be okay though. Even if I can never speak to him again and this is how it all ends then so be it just as long as he's safe and alright. That guy deserves nothing but pure love, care, comfort, and positivity in his life. He's one of the most strongest people I've ever known and I don't think he even knows how much I truly care about him. I care way more than I should which is odd considering I don't often care about anyone to this level. Please god just let him be okay. If there's a day I get to hold him so tight and tell him how much he means to me it won't be soon enough. Fucking hell, I need to calm down. I can't keep grieving someone who's still alive when I don't even know how this will all end. Maybe there is still hope? Maybe he doesn't hate me? Maybe I didn't do anything wrong at all, but then there's that same opposing thought in the back of my mind saying "but what if you did?" "What if you did every single thing wrong just enough to push him away like everyone else?" "And don't get me started on her. She's gonna leave you too just like everything else has, can, and does." "There's something deeply wrong with you, Sylvan." There is. There is and I know it. There's a reason my family wanted to put me in a mental hospital last winter. The scariest part is I don't even know what I'm doing so wrong, but clearly I'm doing something. I don't even want to exist anymore. This body is a fucking prison every day I wake up I feel trapped, my mind is a cage, my heart is too sensitive, my soul is begging for release, and nobody around me can hear me scream. I just seem odd or untrustworthy. I am not okay and it makes sense if he can't deal with me right now or ever. I just hope that somehow in someway he knows just how much I fucking love him. May everyone that's ever shown me any kindness be alright and safe. I don't want anymore evil to be done to the people I love. Do I even really love? I don't know. The people I seem to care about so much may they be safe and content. That's all I ask. Please take me out of this body too that'd be fucking great. Maybe I'll try to do so myself again. Who knows. That'd be a fitting end I guess.