Working through the EDAs (and spn)

and okay, fair enough - i've never worked in, say, a young offender's institution, or a secure children's home. i've mostly worked in schools. i haven't seen firsthand how bad it can get. i still don't think punishment actually works, and i also think that even kids who misbehave on purpose (and kids do misbehave on purpose; it'd be naive to claim otherwise) aren't doing it because it's "fun". they're doing it because they want to achieve a certain outcome, and they are using the tools that are available to them.

so they need better tools. and better options. and someone to help them figure out how to achieve that same outcome without resorting to theft, manipulation, or violence. that's not easy to do, especially with older children whose behavioural patterns are more entrenched, but it's infinitely more effective and less traumatising than punishment.

i want to illustrate this by talking about a former student of mine. i never actively disliked any of the children i worked with, but i do remember finding this one kid very difficult to warm to. i'd been warned before meeting him that he was a Bad Kid, and i soon found out why. he swore, spat, screamed, threw things, stole or destroyed other people's possessions, and was verbally and physically aggressive towards both me and his classmates.

i could deal with all that. what bothered me was how manipulative he was. he was a bully, but it was hard to catch him at it; he had a knack for sussing out when certain children were having a rough time, and then he'd subtly needle and torment them until they exploded - hitting him or themselves, tearing up their work, kicking desks over, having a sobbing meltdown, etc. after which he would come to me and gleefully inform me that so-and-so had "been bad", clearly with the expectation that i would then punish them (which, obviously, i did not).

this behaviour seemed very calculated, which is why i found it unnerving. but the why kept niggling at me. why was he doing this? what did he want the outcome to be?

and as soon as i thought about it, it was obvious. he wanted validation ("well done for telling me, that was very responsible!"). he wanted to feel powerful. he wanted everyone else to be exactly as angry and unhappy as him. he wanted to not be seen as the Bad Kid - or he wanted his peers to know what it was like to be the Bad Kid. it was intentional, but it was also a product of helplessness and desperation.

[WITNESS LOG: THE OTHER MOTHER, 200x]

"Well, no kid like that is born out of anything good. I know children get abused as early as infancy- hell, look at our- well- um... ......it's just another thing to just go out and talk about it. "

abuse in caregiving professions (like teaching or nursing) is not solely a result of power dynamics. it's also because people who go into those professions tend to have a idea of themselves as Good People. recognising or acknowledging their own capacity for harm contradicts that idea. so they mentally put 'people who have inconvenienced me' into the 'Bad People' box (which conveniently doubles up as the 'People I Am Allowed to Hurt' box), and just like that, the world is made simple again.

i read ross greene a lot when i was working with 'difficult' or 'behaviourally challenged' children. his refrain is kids do well if they can - meaning, in short, that most kids act out only when the demands of a situation exceed their capabilities. punishing them for this is not only cruel but also completely pointless, because they also don't want to be doing what they are doing.

1. Never tell anyone what you're planning to do until you do it (you will get a premature dopamine hit and sense of accomplishment from telling them and lose motivation to actually do it)