My story starts as a child of immigrants. I did not see this as a weakness but instead as a strength. It was a quality of mine that connected with me deeply as I had to do what other children of immigrants had to do. I carried the burden of having to educate myself and understand the English language at a rapid pace.
As a result, my parents would comment on how mature and responsible I was. I completed their requests quickly and took the initiative to investigate if I did not know how to do something.
One of my earlier and more innocent memories was my very first time ordering a pizza. As I placed my order, I realized that I did not know about all the details that made up a pizza order. The pizza shop worker asked me what kind of pizza I wanted and at the time, my only understanding was that the only type of pizza available was pepperoni pizza. I remember stuttering on the other side of the phone as I racked my brain for an appropriate answer. To the dismay of my father, I was buffering in real life and was embarrassed by my limited knowledge when it came to ordering a simple pizza.
I carry that memory with me and sometimes laugh at the innocence of the smaller version of myself or alternatively, I will be compassionate and feel the urge to hold this girl. If I ever met this version of her, I would tell her that it was okay to not know what to do and that this was not an indication of low intellect but instead a failure she would learn from.
The feeling of embarrassment from failing is one I still carry with me as there have been moments in my life where my crush paid me no attention, my first relationship "failed", seven months of unemployment followed my 2nd graduation event. The curse that afflicts many first generation children is holding failure to a very personal level.
We didn't grow up asking for help and were independent from a very young age. As a result, we became a mini adult at a much faster rate and often felt secluded from the life that other children our age lived. We had to be present for parent-teacher conferences, learn how college applications worked, understand how to submit a FAFSA application, submit required school forms, and even at times arrange our own transportation to/from school events.
Everyone on this planet has participated in a level of "unfairness" or struggle. I am not alone in my experiences as the feeling can be experienced in many other countries asides from the US.
At a young age, I realized that my circumstances was placing me in a difficult position. I credit my father in encouraging me to pursue higher education and to make it out. My rural background placed me in a school with limited resources for students with a high drive. Competition pushed me to want to be better and the reward of shiny certificates and trophies were also a huge motivator.
Throughout my childhood, I admired those around me who were simply knowledgeable on topics such as specific sciences or math. Those were two subjects I viewed in high regard since I truly felt that they were the "superior" subjects. I knew that science could lead me to make more money if I pursued a role in medicine and that was where my sights were set. Admittedly, I was motivated by the thought of money and long term financial gain instead of exploring my true passions.
In college, I explored a different side of me. I explored the concept of losing inhibitions that eventually led me to a dark place. I want to comfort this version of myself and tell her. "You're enough." I don't hold this version of myself with judgement, I know now that she is the reason the current version of myself exists. I made a group of close gal pals that I still lean on to this day. As a result, I am thankful for my time in school. College was where I learned to navigate different social norms and realize that I did not have to adhere to the common norms expected out of me or those following my path.
I craved authenticity and true compassion from those around me. I remember falling into a minor depressive episode due to the rigor of my classes and the fact that I felt an outsider. I felt that my cohort had already adopted a bad impression of me. I did not act like a team player as I felt that my efforts would be deleted and replaced with what they considered to be of true intelligence. I had very few wins in grad school. I don't know if it was my attitude, background, or youth that made me feel like an outcast. I wonder if I placed myself in this "jail" from the beginning? Reflecting on it now, I realize that my three other cohort members were all expecting me to fail. I wasn't considered competition or smart enough in their eyes. This should have become a motivator for me to break through instead of letting their thoughts/judgement of me become reality.
This 24 year old version of me has experienced adult heartbreak. Adult heartbreak is what follows the consistent sacrifice and investment into a relationship that would not amount to the future. At times I reflect and the person now feels foreign. The relationship feels foreign and I have discarded a lot of the memories. I have forgiven and moved on. To this day, I reflect on the fact that I will never know this person's true thoughts and feelings in relation to the time we had together. I felt surprised when I included my parents and informed them on my failure. My heart broke when my father called me out on one thing. In my desperation to feel love, I conformed to being treated in a particular way and overlooked glaring red flags. My dad did not want to see my in pain but was able to make me realize that the heartbreak was not entirely my ex's fault but also a result of my own doing. I feel that the lesson of learning to respect oneself arrived very late into my life. I feel behind arriving to this realization but reflect on the fact that other women may never realize this at all.
I celebrate that fact that I didn't allow myself to accept the disrespect. I know many women in my position would have held out longer and hidden it from plain view. I consider myself lucky.
This current version of myself has a lot of thoughts. I perceive and digest a lot of information. that I've pieced together from social media, print media, and other sources. My perspective has widened and I realize the beliefs that have morphed to become more encompassing of other thoughts, backgrounds, & beliefs.
This version of me still carries that wish to be a subject matter expert on a prestigious topic. (Physics, Metaphysics, Philosophy, PhD level Math, Astronomy, Classic Literature, Languages, etc.)
This version of me still craves the ability to speak in a succinct and straight-forward manner.
This version of me craves a future in a career where I am respected and viewed with a high level of esteem.
This version of myself is manifesting a future companion that revels in my existence and strives to stimulate my mind with topics of the real world.
This version of myself feels alienated from her current friendships. She wants to seek out a new group of friendships. She wants to find the kind of friends she wanted to find in college. I don't know if this is wrong of me.
This version of me craves the discource and intensity others may naturally exuberate in their day to day.
This version of me desires to be put together and emit a natural amount of femininity and elegance.
The point of all of this is to reflect and analyze what to continue to do right or what habits to stop altogether.
I don't know what comes next but I'm desperately searching. I don't want to have my "figs."
I moved to a new city to experience newness and find a new group of friends. I hope that I can find what I am looking for.
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