Transforming Harm

Kyra’s statement, survivor and harmed party.

Going into this process, I had no idea what to expect. I was scared, but I figured it was worth a try. The last year has been extremely difficult. There were many times where I wanted to quit because it was hard on my mental health and because I didn’t think Malcolm deserved my generosity. Even until right before the mediation circle with Malcolm, I thought “What difference is this going to make?” I didn’t believe someone who did what Malcolm did and thought the way he thought could possibly change. 

However, I was surprised by and so thankful for the work that Malcolm and his team have done. I have never seen an abuser own up to his harmful behavior in such a real way and work so hard to change it. He was honest, humble, and compassionate. While only time will tell how Malcolm’s activism and personal behavior will change in the long run, I have faith that this process has made an impact on him and that he will use his experience not only to better himself, but to educate other men about sexual violence and toxic masculinity.

The peace circle was also healing for me. While I don’t think “forgiveness” is the word to describe what I feel because I personally don’t believe forgiveness is something that can or necessarily should be given to abusers, I no longer feel the intense hatred for Malcolm that I used to. I spent a lot of energy being angry and scared (rightfully so) and feeling that way all the time was exhausting. It made day-to-day life difficult and my fear of running into Malcolm in Black organizing spaces made it practically impossible for me to engage politically in Chicago. After meeting with Malcolm and hearing from him firsthand about his end of the process, I’ve felt a noticeable shift in my energy for the better. And while being around Malcolm is still triggering and probably will be for the foreseeable future, I don’t have the same debilitating fear of being in the same city as him.

While I got so much incredible support and compassion from those who have been following my story, I’m sure there are a lot of people who think I am stupid or crazy for voluntarily meeting with Malcolm or doing this process at all. To those people, I want to urge you to remember that healing looks different for every survivor. There is no one way that anyone who has been abused should react or seek to find peace. I wanted to share my experience because I know it is an uncommon one. Restorative Justice is not for everyone. I would never push a survivor to engage in an RJ process. I just want you to know that you have the option. Justice and accountability come in different forms. However, in my experience, it rarely comes to us (especially for black women) by way of police, juries, and jail. My process allowed me not only to hold Malcolm accountable for his actions but to also reeducate him so that he hopefully won’t harm anyone else in the future. That was important to me.

I want to thank BYP100 for their prompt response and for collaborating with me to create a radical enthusiastic consent curriculum that is rooted in Black history and the Black woman/queer experience. More educational material like this needs to exist in the world and I am glad something beautiful was born out of my experience. I am so thankful for Mariame, Mayadet, X, Jasson, and Melisa for supporting me through this process. Words cannot express my gratitude and love for you.

Mariame Kaba’s statement, lead CA process facilitator & member of Kyra’s support team. 

In late November 2015, I learned from members of BYP 100 that a young woman had made a public accusation of sexual assault against Malcolm London. I’d known Malcolm for years and did not know the young woman, Kyra. The members of BYP 100 who approached me with this disclosure knew that I’d had years of previous experience in restorative and transformative justice and had facilitated community accountability (CA) processes in the past. When BYP 100 members informed me that Kyra had agreed to meet with them to discuss what happened, I offered my help with whatever was needed. After their initial meeting with Kyra where she expressed an interest in potentially participating in a restorative justice process, BYP 100 members reached out to me and I offered to talk with Kyra. The rest of what happened from that point was summarized in the public update that we released in March 2016. http://transformharm.tumblr.com

No one who participated in this process (besides myself) had ever been involved in a CA process to address sexual harm. This was new to them. This inexperience presented both opportunities and many challenges. It’s important to know that no two CA processes are the same. They are informed and affected by who participates, by the facilitation style of the leads, by the length of the process, by unexpected external factors and so much more. Throughout the 15 months of this process, I often remarked that despite the inevitable ups and downs, I was humbled by every single person’s generosity, persistence and trust. In my experience over the years, successful CA processes have a couple of things in common: 1. The expectations are made clear and the goals are attainable. 2. Those involved share a value in the possibility of transformation and in the importance of non-punitiveness (even if people occasionally waver). These were present in this process.

Community accountability processes rooted in transformative justice are NOT for everybody. This needs to be underscored. I do this often grueling and difficult work (without compensation) only with those who volunteer to participate. There is no coercion involved because that would replicate the oppressive forces that we seek to dismantle. All parties must choose freely to participate. As a survivor of sexual violence, I never expect that all victims/survivors will or should participate in CA processes. I work with those who have decided that they want to seek accountability and healing outside of relying on state institutions and without a focus on punishment. This is not prescriptive. This is an individual choice that should be respected in the same way that other choices survivors make should be too.

My statement is not intended to be a step-by-step guide of how to facilitate CA or RJ processes. That would entail a multi-day set of workshops and strategy sessions followed by years of practice. Out of respect for all parties, my statement will also not address the many uninformed “takes” and “commentaries” that I saw (mostly on social media) about CA and transformative justice (from people who I KNOW have never participated in a process in their life). I will share some general thoughts on this in other venues in the future. For today, I’d simply like to say that what has mattered to me throughout the past few months was to support Kyra to the best of my ability and to also make sure that Malcolm was supported in making personal changes through the process. It is to those goals that I have dedicated countless volunteer hours over the past 15 months. I am humbled and so happy that all parties feel as though this experience has contributed to healing. CA processes cannot erase harm. At best, they can reduce the impact(s) of harm and they can encourage people in their ongoing healing journeys. There is nothing “soft” or “easy” about this. CA processes test everyone and can be some of the most difficult physical and emotional work that we can undertake. Healing requires an acknowledgment that there are wounds. Healing requires parties who actually want to heal. 

It has been my privilege to help facilitate this process. I look forward to continuing to support all parties in the ways that I can into the future.

BYP 100’s Partial Statement on Malcolm's Process. 

Since Malcolm London's process officially commenced in November 2015, BYP100 has enacted multiple processes to foster accountability in the presence of a harm. Firstly, upon Malcolm London's release from jail on 11/25, he was put on a mandatory membership hiatus and days after the entire membership -- 6 chapters -- were immediately notified about our course of action.

In the event of sexual assault allegations, BYP100’s course of action includes:

•   Mandatory membership hiatus of the accused party

•   Meeting with both parties to hear the respective accounts

•   An internal deliberation regarding next steps, which typically takes the form of one or multiple of the following:

•   Revoking membership status depending on the nature of the offense

•   Arranging the facilitation of a Restorative Justice Mediation session (If agreed to by both parties)

 •   An Internal Accountability session that entails admission of harms and agreement to atone as a condition of full membership reinstatement

•   A membership process review that involves an assessment of how to operationalize enthusiastic consent among membership as well as any needs regarding a community healing space

 Following this, on 11/28 we shared the following public statement with the public:

“We have been made aware of a sexual assault allegation involving a BYP100 leader. As an organization rooted in a queer Black feminist framework, we take reports of sexual assault extremely seriously. When this allegation came to our attention, we immediately embarked on our accountability process. We are committed to seeing it through. The BYP100 member has been placed on a mandatory membership hiatus. BYP100 has initiated a course of action involving both parties to assess next steps. Our next steps will be centered in a transformative and restorative justice process, rooted in compassion, accountability and a belief that no one is disposable. We ask that throughout this process that no one resorts to victim blaming, conspiracy accusations or any other defamation against the intentionally unnamed party who brought forth the report.”

The Healing And Safety Council

During January 2016's Monthly Membership Call, the national Healing and Safety Council was formed to generate transformative accountability processes when there has been hurt and harm involving a member of BYP100. That following Spring the Healing and Safety Incident Report form was created and that summer, a vote was taken with membership chairs throughout the entire organization committing to the three incidents which will result in immediate hiatus: rape, sexual assault, domestic violence. The council has since its beginning created a Safety Plan, which allows each member to name how they would like BYP100 members and HSC involvement when an incident of harm or trauma happens. We also have a manual, Stay Woke Stay Whole: Black Activist Manual that was created by members of BYP100 as a guide for harm prevention and intervention. The manual also includes a history of Black Healing and Black Spirituality and a list of local resources in each city we have a chapter. Currently, the council is comprised of two squads: prevention and intervention. Both squads work closely together to address harm in chapters and develop a culture of healing praxis to prevent harm from further happening. In June of this year BYP100 HSC will release a list of Cooperative Agreements that have been submitted from all chapters as a list of potential standards and guidelines for membership. 

Enthusiastic Consent Training

The first consent training workshop was held at the 2016 National Convening by the Healing and Safety Council. By December 2016, BYP100 collated both Kyra and Rose Afriyie's draft of an enthusiastic consent training. In January 2017, Rose and Kyra did a second review of this training. Currently, BYP is working to incorporate excerpts from No! The Rape Documentary in the hopes of conducting the first chapter-led workshop in April and implementing a digital training for all chapters countrywide by this year's national convening in June. Completing this training will be a requirement for all active members in the organization.

Malcolm’s statement, responsible party for the harm

I’ve struggled to feel any kind of accomplishment after completing this process because my journey of unlearning & committing to being held accountable is a process in which I feel is never complete. I felt overcome with remorse, empathy & gratefulness after sharing space with Kyra. I am appreciative of her strength to be engaged in this process and being open enough to allow me an opportunity to make amends. Being able to apologize directly to Kyra for sexual assault without needing to contradict myself or try to misname the harm was the first step in my process I felt took the most time to accomplish. When this process first began I felt a wide range of emotions - fear, anxiety, contempt, stress, remorse, frustration - I didn’t know what was going to happen.  

I believed I was a different man than I was four years ago and felt ashamed after being called out but after engaging in bi-weekly conversations with Jasson & Xavier & my close friends I began to unravel. I knew the definitions. I could speak publicly and eloquently about toxic masculinity. I could poetically write about my deep love for Black women. I was actively in an organization where I was consistently being held accountable, taught to self examine how much space I take up, made aware of the enormous emotional labor Black women & femmes often take on when dealing with Black men & to the best of my ability trying not to replicate movement spaces of the past that did not center Black women, Black trans & Black queer folks. I’ve read bell hooks, I’ve listened to Black women talk to me for 12 hours on end until the sunset and dawned. I was an “ally?” But it took me so long to wrestle with my ego. That I wasn’t exempt. It took me awhile to even name the harm. I saw myself become the narratives I shamed other men for creating. Replaying in my head all the reasons why this wasn’t that big of a deal, making excuses for my past self, or claiming that I knew then what consent was but this was a misunderstanding. Everything except take responsibility for my actions. The journey to prioritizing Kyra over fears of damage to my career or wanting to just walk away to avoid any questions about my harm was a long road, to say the least. Though I am not some anomaly in the thread of Black men, I was one who learned & unlearned enough to stay committed to making amends to Kyra. Whether I intended to commit harm or not, I had to decide to take responsibility for the harm or avoid responsibility. I am grateful for the community around me that guided me to a place of growth. To see myself not only in theory but in practice. 

I am still committed to being led by Kyra in figuring out how we occupy the same organizing spaces in ways that make her feel most safe and confident. I am extremely grateful to Xavier & Jasson for being there for me in the most necessary ways. For letting me be angry, for letting me cry, for holding me accountable, for seeing me as someone who had potential to be transformed throughout this process. I was already indebted to Mariame Kaba before I began this process and will forever be thankful for her commitment to community. I am grateful to everyone in BYP100. To the broader organizing & artistic community. To my comrades & friends who were there to listen to me think aloud even when it was difficult. I owe you my redemption. This process has allowed me to look at all areas of my life and see the intersection of where I have been and where I need to continue to go to. Violence of all kinds are built into our lives and we are constantly faced with the opportunity to confront it, subvert it, heal from it and to take whatever steps possible to never have it happen again. I am hopeful that what I’ve learned this year, has made me a more capable person to deal with ways to prevent harm & to make amends for harms I’ve caused. I cannot apologize to Kyra without equally saying thank you. All the labor that went into this - emotional, physical, & spiritual- all the folks who struggled to this point, I say thank you.

Jasson’s statement, co-facilitator of Malcolm’s process and member of his accountability team

I came to the accountability process as a member of BYP100 working to support a process for one of our members who had done harm. I was tasked with Xavier to work with Malcolm to prepare to make amends and be accountable for the harm committed. During the course of the process, I stepped down from membership of BYP100 to work on my own harms done as a parent and an intimate partner. I continued to work on Malcolm’s accountability process. 

To work through the accountability process on Malcolm's end we tried to create a process that had structure and consistency and followed the survivor team’s lead. To this end, we met with Malcolm every other week. At the meetings, we would go through readings on the definitions of sexual violence, sexism and patriarchy. We also focused on readings that covered the definition of consent. Most importantly, we did readings on how to respond when being held accountable for sexism that involves abuse and violence. These sessions usually went for an hour and a half to two hours. We also included writing activities about the concrete harms done and how to make amends for such harms. We made sure to focus on what the survivor’s goals were for this process. We kept those centered throughout the process. Some of those survivor goals included a public admission of the harm done, disengaging from movement spaces as a leader and speaker about issues such as being an ally to women. The survivor requested that Malcolm take a step back from participating in women-led and focused movement spaces. We made sure that he would abide by this. This allowed for a grounded application of accountability and allowed for constant check-in about what repairing the harms done looked like in practice. At times, the process was very hard due to the constant inventory of current and past behaviors that could reproduce harm. To that end, there was also consistent phone communication between us (Xavier and myself) and Malcolm on how to work though feelings or moments of change or at times concerns about the efficacy of the process. 

Going about the process in this manner anchored the journey of accountability particularly around the fact that is a process and not just a one step approach. We consistently worked to prepare for an in-person circle which was a main goal of the survivor. At the in-person circle that took place in February, Malcolm specified the harms that he caused and apologized sincerely. He and us as his team made a commitment to do whatever work is needed to continue the process of repairing the harm that Malcolm caused.

Xavier’s statement, Lead facilitator of Malcolm’s process and member of his accountability team

When I first saw Kyra's statement on Facebook I was sad and frustrated to see another situation where a black woman was violated. It reminded me how common sexual assault is in our communities. A wave of fear and powerlessness rushed over me. I was worried for what this public call out would mean for both their safety as well as the work of BYP.

I was nervous, humbled, and excited when Mariame Kaba invited me to participate in this process. I was excited to be able to practice my ideas about restorative justice and to a support those at the center. The job of Malcolm's support team was to hold a space where he could question and reflect upon the thoughts and behaviors that caused him to do harm while bringing tools to prevent him from doing the same thing to anyone else again.

This was my first time supporting a long term RJ process for the survivor of sexual assault without meeting the survivor until the day of the healing circle. In the beginning it was a major challenge creating sessions with Malcolm and Jasson based only on the survivor's written requests and report backs from the survivors support team. Jasson and I worked pretty well together especially given how new this was for the both of us.

Being a part of this process pushed all my talk about restorative justice into concrete actions. Sitting down weekly examining masculinity in the context of rape culture as black men struggling for social change was not simple. It forced me to look at how my masculinity feeds into and resists rape culture and constantly question all our relationships with women and femmes. The fact that we all identify as organizers and have a passion for black liberation brought a particular level of accountability to our sessions. 

Our first task was to assess where Malcolm was when it came to understanding and taking accountability for the harm he caused. Next we had to find materials and stay in communication with each other about the best questions to ask and when how to push him past the head space and into the heart space. Mariame's experience in these processes was essential. When I wasn't sure what step to take next she shared resources and examples from other processes she has led.

Seeing Malcolm wrestle with his ego, values, and consequence of his actions was an amazing and challenging journey. Sitting and listening to a person who has committed sexual assault talk through a range of emotions isn't easy. I had to fight my own triggers and memories of abuse while holding compassion for both the survivor and the person who did the harm.  For a year I was pushed to a new level of commitment feeling the weight of leading and co facilitating that journey alongside Jasson and Kyra's support team. Not being able to speak with people about the details of the process was a major challenge. People questioned me on a regular about why I was spending time and energy on people I barely knew.  They questioned my motives and if I really cared about the survivor or if this was just a PR campaign for BYP and to save another career of a cis black man. It was a lot to carry for over a year.

When the day of the circle came I was so nervous. I still had lingering doubts about whether putting them in the same room would do more harm than good to Kyra because I had never spoken with her directly. My gut trusted Mariame's experience and I left our last session with Malcolm encouraged that he was determined to be accountable for his actions and was ready to face Kyra with humility and openness even if it got emotional and uncomfortable. The circle went very well and it was great to hear directly from Kyra and walk away with a sense that this process really supported her healing journey as well as Malcolm's. The success of the circle was a testament to Mariame’s leadership and the deep love and commitment both Kyra and Malcolm have to their values. Kyra didn't have to push for Malcolm's transformation and Malclom didn't have to submit to Kyra's requests. They both took a painful moment and turned it into an avenue for the larger community to get better at handling issues of sexual assault, consent, rape culture and accountability. They opened the door for the deep emotional labor most of us run from even though it’s essential to our ideas about social justice and black liberation.

Ultimately I am grateful for this opportunity to support a woman who survived sexual assault by working with the man who committed that assault.  It was a reminder that there are ways to work towards the healing of survivors and perpetrators.  Healing is a long term process but if we are willing to do the work we can set up processes to support and encourage people to be accountable as individuals and to a larger community as they reflect, learn, grow and work towards transformation.