So right now, I'm almost all the way sure that I'm a Transgender man. But I've been worried that my feelings aren't valid and that I'll never be masculine enough to be trans. What if im not trans? Are these feelings normal?
Being masculine and being male are two completely different concepts. The idea that you have to be masculine to be a man, or that being masculine/liking masculinity means you are a man, is a large misunderstanding that comes from the conflation of gender and gender roles. Your gender is an internal sense of who you are whereas gender roles are about societal expectations. Gender roles dictate what activities/behaviors/appearances are considered socially acceptable for people of that gender and they can be extremely different depending on the culture you’re in. For example, the gender roles of one culture might say all men must have long hair while the gender roles of another culture might say long hair is feminine and only acceptable for women. Does that make someone a man in one culture and a woman in another? No, because gender roles are completely arbitrary and whether or not you follow them has absolutely no impact on your gender itself. A woman, trans or cis, can be masculine or feminine and that doesn’t change the fact that they’re a woman. A man, trans or cis, can be masculine or feminine and that doesn’t change the fact that they’re a man. Gender is a deeply personal understanding of yourself and you can’t base how you identify off of the validation of others that you are or aren’t meeting made up concepts of how a person of a certain gender “should” be.Transitioning isn’t something that should be taken lightly. It’s a decision that requires deep exploration and questioning yourself in that process is vital. Having doubts or fears is incredibly normal, I’ve felt that way before every milestone in my transition (medical, social, and legal), and I’d encourage you to sit with those thoughts. Our first instinct might be to push away any doubts or hesitation but I see those feelings as opportunities to internally check yourself and ensure you’re making the right decision. Use them as motivation and recognize that even if you come to the conclusion that transitioning is right for you the fears might still be there. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable, don’t push away the thoughts, sit with them and see where they take you. See what questions come up and what responses are there. Question what you feel, why you feel that way, what the source of those feelings might be, in what way transitioning would effect those feelings, how transitioning would effect your overall life. Think about it in both the short and long term. Question what your fears and hesitations are and where they stem from. Seriously ask yourself “what if this ends up being wrong for me” and consider what you would do if that happened. It’s not unheard of - people detransition more often than you might think. It’s helpful if you can do this work with a therapist, one that will actually participate in and encourage the exploration and not just validate everything you say, but you can also do it by yourself.There are times when validation is an appropriate response but, contrary to what I constantly see online and in person, it’s not the be all end all of answers. Over the last few years I’ve come to deeply despise the overuse of validation within these groups/spaces because it’s often used (intentionally or not) to dissuade people from going through that questioning process or considering alternatives. It also does a disservice to those who are seeking guidance and comes across in a dismissive way. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen trans-related blogs receive messages from people seriously questioning if they’re trans and looking for a sense of direction and the only response they get is, “You are valid! If you think you’re x then you’re x. Cis people don’t question their gender” as if it’s impossible for people to mistake internalized misogyny, internalized homophobia, the impact of sexism, dissociation, trauma responses, not conforming to gender roles, etc. for being trans. The very idea of that is treated as a giant taboo and contributes to the demonization of people who detransition. In reality not everyone who questions their gender is trans, transitioning is not right for everyone, and understanding that is vital to your own exploration and finding the right path for yourself. I don’t know if transitioning is right for you and neither does anyone else - the only person who can answer that question is you.
titsay
2087
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
