i regret my life choices

i think i finally understand why everyone’s so sad about growing up.

the peace of the days cause them to flow. the stress of the work is overbearing but not overwhelming. the loneliness is subtle but not soul crushing. the sky has been cloudy for so long the grass almost forgot the feeling of the sun, but the sun will return as it always has and it always will. night is not eternal, sadness is not the end, and one day you’ll look back and love the little person who couldn’t even fathom the future.

i know you think i don’t care. that i’m selfish and cold, that i spend all of my time thinking of myself and trivial things. the thing is i do care, probably too much. and i love you so much it makes me want to cry sometimes. and i can’t imagine how the world is going to be without you in it. and you’ve hurt my feelings more times than i could count, but i would still bite off my own pinky to please you. all ive ever wanted was to make you proud. you are and have always been my hero. the person i look up to most in this world. i’m sorry i’ve never known how to tell you before.

it’s an odd thing to miss someone you’ve never met. to seek the approval of someone long gone. to hope that they would see you and feel pride for who you’ve become. i fantasize sometimes about what family would be like if you were there. i can’t wait to meet you someday and i hope you feel i’ve done you justice.

i survived.

and another day finds another reminder that life didn’t end when you were seventeen.

and the sadness seeps in once again, an ever looming blanket of sorrow. it may retreat to the edges of the conscious but it’s always there. like a once friend turned enemy ready to strike at the moment the guard is down.

the fear of failure is drowning me in an ocean of my own creation.

my face, which i seem to loathe so much, is really just a patchwork piece of all the people i love. a painting painstakingly made in heaven to reflect the ones who came before.

it all feels so hopeless sometimes. what if im doing all of this for nothing?

i look in the mirror and see the worst version of you reflected back at me.

i only ever wanted to make you proud.

i love her, even if she couldn’t understand why.

it’s the feeling of returning to the place that raised you and feeling like a stranger. you no longer fit into the place that was once so intrinsically woven into your every being. you’re an outsider to the place that raised you. would she even recognize you if she saw you?

i think i finally realized i would be okay when i no longer yearned for you to be a better man.

the truth is, no matter how hard you try to run, how hard you convince yourself it’s fine, how hard you try to hide, you’ll always be that sad, lonely little girl. when you look into the mirror you don’t see the grown woman people say you’ve become, you see the big, hurt eyes of the child who was left behind.

i knew from the very moment i laid eyes on you that i would love you until the end of my days. but i can never have you so i shall watch from afar always putting myself into their shoes desperately desiring to be them.