my life & how i see it

Entry1.

My favorite song starts off with the realist bar I've ever heard because it had so much truth in it.

"When it hurt so bad, but it feels real good"

Young me didn't even comprehend what she meant by that because i was still playing with my toys, but adult me feels that. I feel it too much but I'm at the point where nothing feels good at all. It just hurts and I'm ready to feel pleasure. The thing is idk if that day will ever come. Welcome to Entry1 of my Night Knight's.

I never thought i would be this person, the one that sits and wait. I never thought after asshole I would want to date again. I believe that I'm a very particular person that just requires things that I'm not finding. The other night my sister asked me " Do you think I'm setting unrealistic or too high of a standard." That question had me thinking and i sat back and thought real hard about it. I honestly don't think i do, I only ask the things that i know i can give. I would never ask for more, that's when you set yourself up for a let down and I've had enough of those. Shit I've been let down most of my life from family to friends even from my favorite television show. The crazy thing i know People are flawed, I know people at some point in time they will let you down. It's Life, we're humans, but what do you do when it comes from a lover.

At a young age I've always wanted to be married. I found the thought of having that one person to wake up to and go through life's rollercoaster with would be beautiful. I'm a true city boy with some southern comfort ideas. Ive always wanted to be courted by a man, someone to walk up to my daddy and say "sir, I'm in love with your son Anthony" and i would swoon over all that romance tv shit. Then we will settle down and i would have my career he would have his and we would build and grow as people but also grow together as a single being like a caterpillar to a butterfly.Thats the type of love I've always. Wanted, we all know life isn't like the black and white movies. I know I'm not going to be in the middle of a bus terminal and he comes running up, confessing his true love for me... naw that doesn't happen and if it does happy to whomever is reading .... ....... i wish you the best. I seriously do.

My movie has been like a mix between west side story mix with a little Romeo and Juliet, sprinkle some Tela Novelas on top. there you go, a big pot of..... " what is you doing girl" lol.

I'm 31 and I've dated a few good men also ran across a few rotten ones. They've all ended with one of them cheated on me, one called me " too independent or i just cant deal with all their childish Macho ways. At times i truly think I'm meant to be alone. I would like to be with someone that makes me feel like were in a movie, make me feel like I'm the only person you see in a crowded room. I'm a sucker for all that, I fall hard for shit like that. That right there will guarantee ALOT from me, you can get the world.

It's in my nature to nurture and care, i love that about me. At times i hate that about myself where I don't know when to step back and see it for what it is. See that I'm not growing and all I'm doing is running and hiding from what i should be doing.....fuck.... I'm human remember, I'm flawed and that's one of my major flaws... but this is where I leave you... leave you with a question for you to hold you over till 2nd entry.

What are your expectations in your relationship?!?!?