Untitled

Sure.  Ask away.

Sure.  Ask away.

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went

They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE

Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)

They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive

Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).

They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.

They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)

They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.

When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements

Short answer:  As a pre-teenager, before I understood what sexuality is, I had always been fascinated by images of strong men on tv, in cartoons and magazines, bound up by ropes, chains, cuffs. Cowboys tied by Indians; superheroes captured by the bad guy, etc.

When the internet began, it was in 1989 that I realized, many others are fascinated too. And I was able to begin contacting men, all over the world, to discuss bondage.

Once I started tying guys, I realized I was able to indulge in my desire to please a guy till the pleasure blurs to ,oohhhh fuckkkkkk–squirt.

And the rest of it.  What I enjoy:

          1) TRUST. Once we agree to meet, seeing a nervous, shy, physically strong beefy guy, hand his trust to me; I treat that trust like a fragile gift. Because: it is.  He’s usually a bundle of nerves. I let him know each step what the plan is. As he relaxes, he’s more able to enjoy the sensation of being bound, helpless. I earn the sub’s trust on his schedule, at his pace; not mine.

        2) CONFIDENCE.  Seeing the guy gain confidence. Facing his fear of being vulnerable, enjoying the loss of control. Rock hard, balls full, cock leaking…. transforming into a groaning , flexing leaking beast, ready for what’s next.

Each guy is different. I have no one approach to what will work in a session. I do discuss interests, experience level and limits with each guy prior to deciding to meet.

During a sessions some may transform into a submissive masculine puddle of Yes Sir/No Sir. Others may release some sort of hidden inner beast, that’s snarling raging, gagged, struggling to cum; demanding use.  ((its all hot to me)).

I thought I would write a little and provide some useful information about subdrop and aftercare, since I have just had to help a close friend deal with her first experience of subdrop and although she knew what it was, she did not realise that is what she was going through and did not know how to deal with it.

What Is Subdrop?

Subdrop is the emotional and physical symptoms felt by a submissive that is caused by tiring out the body and the release of adrenalin, endorphins, hormones and other chemicals that create a natural high during a scene, leading to a subsequent ‘come down’ afterwards, similar to the effects of illicit drugs.  It can leave a sub feeling exhausted, depressed, sad and very emotional. This can include feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and other negative thoughts, but you should realise that this is simply your body’s natural response to a very intense experience, it is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and you are not to blame.

Subs will often experience subdrop in different ways, some may feel the effects of it more intensely than others and it can last for varying periods of time, anywhere from an hour up to a few weeks afterwards, but it is only temporary and will eventually pass. It is important that you learn to recognise subdrop, because once you understand that you are feeling the effects of it, you can begin to address it and simply knowing why you are feeling that way will also help, especially when it comes to your emotions and feelings. Try to communicate, interact and stay in contact with your Dom or others, who can help you cope with your emotions and how you are feeling, by offering you support and talking you through it.  Following the other advice I have included below will also help you recover from the effects of subdrop.

For the all the Doms, Dommes, Masters and Mistresses out there, this is just as crucial for You, as it is for Your sub. Subdrop is very real and not some myth, so aftercare and helping Your sub deal with the effects of it should be just as important as what You might do during a scene, especially as You are essentially responsible for Your sub feeling the effects of it and caring for Your sub is part of the responsibility that comes with being a Dominant. Aftercare should not be neglected and staying in contact with Your sub, offering them reassurance, validation and support will help during this vulnerable time and they should not have to go through this alone.  Although some subs do prefer time to themselves, You should at least offer and ask what You can do to help, as everyone is different and their needs will vary.

If You do neglect aftercare and ignore subdrop, then the effects can begin to outweigh the benefits and enjoyment that Your sub may feel during a scene with You, which can cause problems for Your relationship with them and even end it. It is also worth pointing out that Dominants and switches can also feel a form of ‘drop’ after a scene, which I won’t address, but You can read more about it in the links I have provided at the end of this article.

So What Is Aftercare?

Aftercare is the name given to the process of being there with a partner for a sufficient amount of time, so they can feel safe, regain their emotional equilibrium and recover from the effects of a scene. It is equally important to recognise that aftercare is for both the Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive. If either person leaves too soon, then their partner may feel abandoned or a loss far exceeding the pleasure they might have felt during the scene.

Aftercare can include practical things such as making sure a sub is physically taken care of, treating any injuries, keeping them warm, allowing them to rest and making sure they have enough to eat or drink. Aftercare should also include attending to the emotional needs of a sub by offering them support, reassurance and validation.  This can include showing them affection by cuddling or holding them, even gentle and loving sex, as well as asking how they are feeling, talking through the scene with them and their experience, answering any questions they might have and giving them a lot of positive reinforcement, such as saying how proud You are of them. This can continue after you have parted ways and for several days afterwards, by staying in contact and checking on their recovery.

Although like subdrop, everyone has a different experience and needs when it comes to aftercare, some for instance may want to be left alone to process this on their own and there is no right or wrong way, it simply involves doing whatever is necessary to help them recover.

How To Cope With Subdrop

A few ways you can help your body recover and deal with the effects of subdrop include:

ACE which stands for aftercare, contact with your Dominant and expression of positive reinforcement by the Dominant.

Drink plenty of water or a sports drink like gatorade, which help replace fluids, salts and potassium in the body that you have lost during a scene.

Eat foods to replenish the nutrients in your body, while you might crave comfort foods and sugary treats, which will not only replace the sugar and energy you have lost, but obviously give you some sense of comfort, the effects will be only temporary and will only leave you craving more, which is not ideal.  Instead try to eat whole grain bread, meat, cheese and vegetables, while avoiding any foods that are white in colour, although milk is also very helpful.

Take some vitamins, especially the B-complex group that include folic acid, vitamin B6 and B12.

Be active and interact with others, even if you do not feel like doing so, as subdrop often leaves a sub feeling ashamed, depressed, isolated, confused and alone, so being by yourself and trying to cope on your own will only make those feelings worse. Even spending time with your pet can be helpful. Most importantly stay in contact with your Dominant and try to talk to them about how you are feeling, so They can help you cope.

Exercise will help release more endorphins, lessening the effects of subdrop, which is partly caused by the release of endorphins during a scene and the subsequent ‘come down’ that occurs afterwards.

Try keeping yourself occupied, with a hobby or other activity which will allow you to clear your head or express your feelings.

Aroma therapy, warm baths, meditation and listening to soothing music is also helpful.

Try to stay warm.

Treat and care for any injuries you might have sustained during the scene, such as scratches, bites, welts or sore bottoms. I am not a doctor and I could not possibly hope to cover every potential scenario in this article, but generally applying basic first aid techniques and vitamin E cream will help your skin recover more quickly.

Rest and get plenty of sleep.

Try to get yourself ready before a scene, by getting plenty of sleep, trying to stay focused and preparing yourself for the experience.

Additional Reading

Practice with the ben wa balls for a certain amount of time

Take a picture of something specific and text it/tumblr post it (such as the time you asked me to take the picture in your favorite new panites)

Train with my butt plug (after we get it) for a certain amount of time

Post something specific on tumblr (like when you told me to find the tail I wanted, but I have to do it by a certain time)

Make a video of something for Daddy

Write something specific on my body and take a picture and/or leave it for you

Be dressed in something specific for when you get home (or for picture)

Hair done in certain way for when you get home (or pictures)

Work on something specific for fetlife

Work on something for the tumblr

“Have a blanket fort made by the time I get home” hehe that just sounds awesome!

Write about something specific

Ideas for writing task:

Favorite and/or least favorite parts after playtime

About why I got a punishment

Why I love Daddy so much (did that one :D)

Favorite parts of bdsm, being a little, you being my daddy, ect….

Thoughts during or after a playtime of punishment

Anything you may be wondering or wish to know more about

The subspace and aftercare are topics that tops playing in SL are often unaware of. To ensure everyone is safe and happy, however, Dommes need to have a working knowledge of what subspace is, what causes it, how to identify if a sub is in subspace when playing and how to spot the signs of sub-drop.

D/s is all-encompassing in the sense that it’s not just about scenes, highs, fun, pain, control, and all the exciting things we do. It’s about real people, and their needs and wants. A conscientious dominant will know that she is responsible for her submissive’s well-being and care. Part of that responsibility involves knowing what can happen to her sub when he interacts with his dominant. As a scientist who has both personal D/s experience and the benefit of research into subjects such as human physiology and biochemistry, I’ll try to share practical tips while working in the science-y stuff.

Firstly, what is subspace?

Subspace (also called headspace, flying, or floating) is the name given to the state the submissive’s mind and body is in during a deeply involved play scene. It is an elusive and sought after space that is the holy grail of many submissives. Many types of BDSM play invoke strong physical responses. The psychological aspect of BDSM also causes many submissives to mentally separate themselves from their environment as they process the experience. Deep subspace is often characterized as a state of deep recession and incoherence.

Deep subspace may also cause a danger in newer submissives who are unfamiliar with the experience.  The experience requires the dominant to keep a careful watch to ensure the submissive isn’t placing him- or herself in danger.

How does this happen? [Hold on to your seats, this is the science-y bit!]

During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of adrenaline in the sub’s body. Other chemical messengers such as  endorphins and enkephalins (natural pain relievers) are also released, and these natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response (the stress response of the body), produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug.

These chemicals have the effect on the brain of increasing the sumbissive’s pain tolerance as the scene becomes more intense. A sort of trance-like state is produced in the sub due to the increase of hormones and chemicals. The submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, like he or she is floating  or flying. Many submissives, on reaching a height of subspace, will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimulus causes the period to prolong. As the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in (to counteract the effects of the aforementioned chemicals), a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence may result. This is when aftercare becomes important to the well-being of the submissive.

Ok, that’s all well and good, but what does this mean in reality?

Submissives that are deeply in subspace can often have their ability to communicate impaired. This means that they may not be able to use their safewords/safe-signals when they are heading into dangerous territory.  In fact they may not even be aware they are heading into dangerous territory!

This reduced or impaired ability to communicate with the tops, combined with the fact that the subs  may no longer be able to feel pain due to the high levels of endorphins rushing through their bodies, could mean that subs could be hurt or damaged during scenes. If, for example, a less experienced top is dealing with a sub who has gone deeply into subspace, and doesn’t know what signals to watch for, that top may take the physical aspect of the play too far, all the while waiting for s safeword from the sub that the sub is incapable of giving.

So, what do I look out for? What are the signs that a sub is in subspace?

Just like anything else, signs of subspace can vary from individual to individual. The length of time taken to go into subspace, and the types of activities that can take a sub into subspace are often specific to the individual sub. For some, it takes a long time and quite a deal of physical stimulation, whereas for other subs, merely hearing their tops’ voices or being touched by the tops can have them floating off.

But there are a few tell tale signs:  The submissive may become less verbal in communication as he enters the more “feral” state of subspace. The top may notice that the sub’s ability to speak and to use words to communicate how he or she feels is reduced, and the sub may only communicate in grunts or moans (which, let’s face it, are difficult to interpret). There are often changes in skin tone; eyes may roll back in the head. The body may go limp and floppy (which is at odds with the muscle tensing that would generally be expected with physical punishment). After a time with a sub, the top will come to recognise the signs of that individual’s subspace.

The endorphin-mixed-with-adrenaline high that is experienced by the submissive is often compared to a drug-induced high and can be addictive for the submissive. Think of it as something akin to “runner’s high.”  Indeed, a sub in subspace can often beg for more of the physical stimulation that got and keeps him there without the knowledge that this could result in harm. This is where the dominant needs to keep control of the situation, and bring the sub safely down from the high.

Now that I know what to look for, what should I do?

It can be damaging for a sub in subspace, to just be left, cold-turkey as it were, without being brought safely “back down to earth.”

A dominant that is unaware of subspace and its physical and psychological impact on her sub, may just up and leave after a scene, with the sub possibly still in subspace. It’s not good enough to just untie the binds, and leave. It is the top’s responsibility to spend time bringing the sub back down: gradually lessening the stimulation, talking the sub back to earth, giving the sub affection and reassurance, telling him that he’s done good job, and giving lots of hugs and kisses to accompany the sub’s journey back down, for example.

Exhaustion will often accompany the sub coming down from subspace. So the dominant may have to provide a safe environment for the submissive to sleep and regain strength. Leaving a sub in subspace, where the sub’s still flying and buzzing in an out-of-body experience, can be dangerous. For example, imagine a sub, still in subspace trying to drive a car. They sub doesn’t have the requisite concentration and ability to perform such a complex task, and by not grounding the sub before letting him or her leave, the top could be putting the sub in danger.

Now, you may be thinking, “Well I only interact with my submissives online, I don’t need to worry about this.”

But that’s not necessarily true. Subs in cyber-relationships enter subspace just as easily and fully as those in RL situations. And as the domme in a cyber D/s relationship cannot often see her sub, she needs to rely on other methods to determine if the sub is brought down again after a scene. In this case, the voice is the best tool available to the Domme – she needs to get to know her sub’s voice intonations and how they change while in subspace, so that she can safely determine when the sub is again grounded. Where a scene is done in text alone, the communication that occurs in-scene and following the scene, in aftercare, between sub and Domme is similarly critical to the sub’s well-being.

I got the picture — But what is subdrop?

Even after the most carefully applied aftercare, some residual effects of the subspace experience can still remain with the submissive. The phenomenon of “sub-drop” is the name given to the drop or low that a sub (or indeed a dominant, but that’s another discussion) can experience in the hours or even days after an intense BDSM scene. The term subdrop is generally applied to the ”negative” effects or depressive state that a sub can experience after a scene. The causes are manifold, it can be a physical reaction to the adrenaline and endorphins leaving the body. For those raised in a very traditional environment the resulting drop may be associated with feelings of guilt or shame.

Subdrop may manifest itself in may different ways – there could be tears, irrational fears expressed by the sub, or  a sub may feel sad or lonely in the hours or days after leaving the dominant. Subdrop could be compared to shock in a way, and the treatment is much the same. The dominant should provide as environment for her submissive in which the sub can express his or her feelings and receive the domme’s attention (after all, the dominant is at least party responsible for getting the sub into this place). The Domme should watch for signs of distress, and try to understand what the sub needs from her – bearing in mind that this may be different depending on the sub.

The point of aftercare is to make the sub feel accepted, wanted, safe, secure and comfortable. With consistent application, good aftercare will help grow the trust between Domme and sub, and will help the relationship to blossom and reach new heights, as the sub will know that the Domme has his best interests in mind, has an understanding of what’s happening to him and will do her best to alleviate any negative situations that may develop.

A good and caring Domme will always have the care of her sub foremost in her mind. By all means take the pleasure, that’s what D/s is about – but don’t take and give nothing back. The D/s experience should be rewarding and pleasurable for both the dominant and submissive. Dominants and submissives equipoise each other – and this balance cannot be dismissed or forgotten. It’s about mutual trust and understanding, and while both parties are charged with trying to understand each other, in this case much of the responsibility lies with the Domme to provide the lead, and the consistency which the submissive craves so much in life. The submissive however is not without responsibility in relation to subdrop and aftercare, the sub must communicate needs and feelings to the Domme openly and honestly, so that the Domme can take the necessary actions to care for her sub.

To my fellow subs, pups, and slaves, gimps, furries, kinksters, and littles; to any identity you claim or feel or discover:

You may not need to hear these words, but there are far too many out there who run headlong into this world without any understanding. I may be reiterating things that have been said a thousand times in more coherent and eloquent ways. But too often I see or console or offer advice to those who have learned these lessons through experiences that I don’t want to imagine.

This isn’t exhaustive, and you may not agree with every one of them. These ideas do not come from a place of selfishness. They apply whether or not you identify as submissive, Dominant, or anywhere in between. It is not meant to inspire fear or cynicism. It is not meant to create self-doubt or generalize “Dominance” as heartless and uneducated. These ideas come from a place of self-love and self respect. If you have a problem with that, you have no place in my world.

If you can take one thing from it, whether validation of your own knowledge, or a deeper understanding of yourself, please know that you don’t have to face any of it alone.

In this, the “Dominant” is in general reference of any identity therein (whether Sir, Master, Handler, etc.)

—

Take the time to learn yourself before you allow others to control you. Whether you’re just discovering your submissive identity, or you’re a pro, you can always benefit from introspection. Your relationship with a Dominant is only made stronger with a better understanding of yourself and your needs. No one is ever entitled to your submission. I’ll say that again: NO ONE IS EVER ENTITLED TO YOUR SUBMISSION. Anyone who approaches you with the idea that they deserve you without so much as a conversation should be avoided. It is in your best interest to protect yourself, regardless of how exciting and enticing it may be to have someone assert such control. Seek your community. Whether its a local one, or something you find online, seek out a community of like minded people. Not only will this give you an opportunity to meet and befriend others who understand you, it is also for your protection. Your community is your safe place. We take care of our own. Make friends with other submissives. We understand each other better than most. You know things I don’t. Seek advice and care from others without an ulterior motive. I may not be able to tell you what to do, but I can always try to help. Communication is everything. Seek a method of feedback that your Dominant can respect, whether positive or constructive. Anyone who assumes they know everything or can do no wrong is too insecure to admit their own flaws. Safe words are great, but that will only get you so far. You know what enhances or pulls you out of your headspace. Tell them. Consideration periods are not simply to determine “whether you’re good enough” or “whether you deserve” something. They are an opportunity for you to examine your own compatibility and headspace prior to engaging in commitment. They are one of the best tools you have to truly put yourself into a healthy and engaging environment. If it doesn’t work, speak up. You always have the right to leave. Pretty damn self explanatory. Make sure you understand YOUR limits. To push through them is one thing, but you need to understand that too far can be too far. Learn how to say no in a way that enhances your relationship and mutual understanding. And if that isn’t respected? You always have the right to leave. You deserve respect, too. It may be shown in different ways. You may like to be called horrible names and treated like dirt. But unless you’ve gotten to the point where you feel safe in that space, don’t let someone walk all over you, regardless of their assumed Dominance. Take. Your. Time. Especially for those newer to discovering their submissive headspace, every person who validates that headspace will seem good to you. Just because someone offers you a collar does not mean you take it. Be careful. Ownership is first and foremost about trust. I understand the need; its an innate desire to give up control to the first person who tries to take it from you. But submission is not taken, it is earned. Give yourself the time and make sure their investment in you is equal to your investment in them. If you need a break, take one. Sometimes you just need to give yourself an opportunity to refocus. Take a step back from all of it and breathe without fear of control or retribution. Have the self awareness to know when you need it. Explore what you feel. Don’t let yourself be defined by an expectation or ideal. If you don’t feel completely submissive, or completely Dominant, that’s okay. Give yourself the opportunity to explore those feelings. It may change on any given day or hour or minute. Surround yourself with those who will allow you to grow. Headspace isn’t about losing yourself. It’s a place that’s meant to allow you to let go. Sometimes it’s hard to find, and that’s okay. Don’t force it. Your headspace should be as unique as you. Allow the pieces of you that you love to shine through it. Not all headspace is sexual. Never feel like where you go in that place must be accompanied with BDSM. If your headspace needs to be a safe place for you, let it. Many use it as a coping mechanism for anxiety and depression and these triggers can not only be upsetting but dangerous. Never, ever assume anything without knowing someone. Care before control. Look out for each other. Know the signs of someone who needs help. They may not ask for it, but make sure those around you know that you’re looking out for them. There can be a very fine line between BDSM and abusive relationships. You may not be able to fix it, but the love you show someone may have a bigger impact than you think.

—

If you have more to contribute, please do. I don’t expect this to be exhaustive, I want to give people an opportunity to think and respond and create healthy dialogue around a part of “us” that is too often silenced by passivity.

Please, please share this with everyone you can.

And as always, if you need anything, please reach out to someone. I’m always here.

nuzzles

I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…

Aftercare

Aftercare 101

Aftercare For Dominants

Coping With Emotional Subdrop

Dom Drop

How To Make A Sub Drop Kit

Online Aftercare

sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare

Subdrop and Aftercare

Subspace and Aftercare

Consent

Consent & BDSM

Guide to Consent

Doms, Daddies & Masters

7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom

12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive

25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles

30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman

45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For

50 Rules for Daddies

100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess

101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)

Alternative Names For “Daddy”

Alternative Domme Titles

Aspects Of Control

Asserting Ownership - Rules

Daddy Up!

Defining A Daddy Dom

Dominants Need Training Also

Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles

Help For New Doms

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive

How To Be A Good Dominant

How to Find a Submissive

Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man

New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom

Observations On Doms By A Submissive

So you want to be a Dom?

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her

Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know

The Dom Commandments

Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind

What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective

What does the title Daddy mean?

What is a Daddy Dom?

What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?

What It Means To Be A Dominant

What Makes A Good Dominant

Littles, Subs & Slaves

6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant

7 Common Types of Submissives

10 Tips For Living With A Sadist

10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant

26 Baby Girl Jobs

50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy

A Bottom’s Responsibility

A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive

A Man Who Knows You…

A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom

Acid Test For Subs

Ask A Million And One Questions

Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective

Baby girl or little? A brief introduction

Care and feeding of Daddies

Characteristics Of A Good Daddy

Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner

Feminist Submissive

Finding Your Dominant

Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By

Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls

How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.

“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.

How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?

How To Find A Dom

How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom

I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy

Novice Submissives

Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK

Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’

Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.

Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts

Submissive Pride

Submissive Traits - Intelligence

Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me

What is a Little?

When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.

Why I call him Daddy

Your Rights As A Submissive

Long Distance Relationships

10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship

Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship

How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work

Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope

Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans

The Long Distance D/s Relationship

Mental Health

BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers

Body image & BDSM

How to Get Over Feeling Sad

Is BDSM normal?

Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!

Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship

Meditation And Mindfulness

On Cutting

Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories

Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction

Tips for Recovering from Codependency

What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)

Why Do I Feel Unloveable?

Relationships

10 Habits of Happy Couples

10 Top Communication Mistakes

10 Types of Emotional Manipulators

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”

BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End

BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways

Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective

Communication Is Key

Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships

Daddy Doms and their little girls

Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More

Date Night In A Jar

DD/lg In Public

D/s and Domestication

Factors That Make A Relationship

Finding Love When You Least Expect It

Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests

How To Be Present In Your Relationships

How To Build A Healthy Relationship

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship

Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore

Searching for a D/s partner?

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships

Stop Arguments Before They Start

The Rewards of a Submissive

Types Of Relationship Insecurity

Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

What Is Real Love?

When He Doesn’t Call

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Safety

Another life ruined because of the morality police

Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!

Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t

Limits in BDSM

What is Emotional Abuse?

Self Improvement

10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life

10 Steps To Self Care

10 Ways To Be Happy

10 Truths To Live By

Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive

How to be Yourself

How To Deal With Your Enemies

How To Ignore Haters

How to Recognize a Toxic Friend

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Slut Shaming Explained

Tips for Healing a Broken Heart

What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?

Sex

50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women

Basics of Breath Play

D/s or Kinky Sex?

Fetishes Explained

How To Make A Girl Squirt

How To Tell Your Son About Sex

Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality

Sensual Biting

Sex: Myths & Stereotypes

Sex: Practical Details

Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control

So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women

Squirting Educational Video

Squirting Notes

Toys

Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs

BDSM on a budget

Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)

Training

10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs

30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten

40 Very Important DD/lg Facts

Age Play: A Short Guide

BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play

DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

Etiquette in BDSM Part 1

Etiquette in BDSM Part 2

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind

Glossary of BDSM Terms

Guide To Blood Play

Guide To Bruising

Guide To Talking Dirty

Guide To Wax Play

How Do I Get Started In BDSM?

How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest

How To Make A Comfort Box

Introduction To BDSM

Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting

Punishments in BDSM Relationships

Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships

Some Thoughts On Rules

The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility

The Need For Rules and Discipline

Education is 🔑 Knowledge is 💪🏻

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

————————————————————————————-

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

 Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

 Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

 Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

 Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

 Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

 Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

 Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

 Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

 Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Blessed is that slave whom his master finds so doing when he comes.  Matthew 24:46

What is slavery?  Slavery is about the transfer of sovereignty and authority.  It is an agreement one first makes with himself.  The inferior realizes that the focus of his life should be directed away from himself and toward someone greater.   This realization can ultimately lead to a state of ecstatic bliss which cannot be achieved any other way.

Destiny: We are all drawn to power; it is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  Some are drawn to the power within themselves and become the Master.  Many others are drawn to the power in another and become the slaves.  The Superior Man is possessed of masculinity that approaches its ideal state; where physical strength, confidence, assertiveness, honesty, aggressiveness, willpower, dominance, and virile potency are present in abundance.  This is the essence of the Alpha male.  It is what makes him supreme among God’s creatures.   Humans possess basic primal instincts that steer them toward their natural roles of domination or submission.  To surrender to the supremacy of a true Alpha male is a natural act for the inferior.  This is why it produces such intense emotional satisfaction; it is operating among the most basic levels of the human psyche.  It is a quasi-religious experience, the revelation of one’s true self.  Both domination and submission are empowering because it leads towards one’s true calling.  To submit totally to another requires strength and will power as it is contrary to what we have been taught our whole lives.  It is to yield to one’s true nature, and to find one’s destiny.  For the true submissive there is nothing more gratifying.

Crave Serve and Obey: What we find lacking in ourselves; we crave in another.  Women are instinctively drawn to real men.  Gay males have similar inclinations.   Yet to the surprise of many new slaves, even essentially straight men can find themselves drawn in by a man that is a greater exemplar of masculinity than themselves. They too are drawn to one who possesses the masculine traits they lack.  One can attempt to suppress this side of his nature in order to conform to societal expectations, or one can find a sense of fulfillment and true happiness by pursuing this important aspect of oneself. 

Training:  Slavery is a process.  It is a matter of breaking down barriers and overcoming fears.  To yield some or all of one’s personal sovereignty to another, to acknowledge another as superior in rank, authority and power requires courage.  To enter into a state of subordination where one defers to another’s judgment, power or decision leaves one feeling vulnerable.  There is a fear of the destruction of oneself.  The slave wonders, “Who will I be if I surrender myself utterly to the master?”  What they find as they submit is the liberation of their true selves and as they accept and surrender to their new role, they increasingly find their bliss.  Slavery is a transcendent experience.

It’s the Slave’s Job: Slavery is a path of self-discovery.  Most Masters understand very little about how erotic slavery is in the slave’s mind.  Masters by their very nature are used to getting what they want, when they want it, and not worrying much about the details of how the gratification of their desires is accomplished.  Slaves can learn important and useful things about slavery thus from other slaves.  Each slave is on an individual voyage of self-discovery, but this process can be enhanced by the application of certain basic principles and tools that will help the slave refine his service.

Guiding Principles: 

    -Identity:  Ideally, a slave is a person who always knows himself to be first and foremost a slave, with all other social roles second to this primary identity.  This identity gives a central focus to one’s life much the way that religion (submission or slavery to God) serves such needs.  In fact religious observance sometimes acts to compliment the explorations of subordination in some slaves.

    -Obedience:  The form of servitude you have entered is consensual slavery, and to create and maintain such a state; to accept, embrace and validate this subordination, and charge it with passion requires the surrender to the authority of another.  Obedience ideally should become the overarching concern of the slave.  It gives purpose, direction, protection and validation.  It is the filter through which we judge ourselves to be worthy, good, and true. 

    -Transparency:  The true state to which you have submitted to another is the degree to which you have opened up to reveal your true thoughts, feelings, doubts and hopes with your Master.  It is one of the greatest hurdles of fear to overcome.  To hide thoughts from the Master is to resist the ultimate ecstasy of surrender.    Finally surrendering all secrets gives the slave another bond to his Master.

    -Humility:  One of the most difficult gifts for the slave to give his Master is the surrender of pride and sense of independent dignity.  Lesser Masters seek to diminish such dignity and pride through acts of overt humiliation.  However, in more sophisticated Master/slave relationships conceptions of dignity and pride are voluntarily surrendered and replaced with fulfillment through obedience and submission.  There is some debate as to whether a slave is truly humble if the servant takes pride in prompt, correct and dutiful service to the Master and substitution of one’s own wants and wishes with that of the Master.  Often the Master allows such mild vanity for the purpose of morale and the exploration of greater submission by the slave. 

Boundaries:  Slaves usually begin their servitude in a limited form.  They tend to set all sorts of conditions.  These are soft boundaries that will be eroded away over time as the control of the Master deepens.  It is a myth to say that one ever enters a state of slavery without limits.  There are always hard boundaries that a slave will not cross, however since the Master is wise and won’t cross those lines, it will appear you have entered a state of slavery that will ultimately know no limits and bounds.  You will have reached a state of harmonious integration with the Master whereby the fulfillment of his will and the satisfaction of his wants and desires becomes in itself, both a spiritual and erotic pleasure.  The fact that the Master is aware of and encourages men and women to pine for him and obsess over him, is not to say that the Master shares or wishes to participate directly in your sexually explicit fantasies or have his thoughts intruded by overt and detailed pronouncements and descriptions of such erotic appetites.  More general expressions of one’s ardor will suffice.

Forms of address: The key to a healthy relationship between the Master and slave is deference.  A slave must address and refer to his Master with the upmost respect and reverence.  A superior can address a slave in any manner he chooses.

Service:  A slave provides service to his Master in order to make his life more comfortable and pleasurable.  This service can come in many forms.  It can be direct such as housekeeping or more commonly indirect, supporting the Master financially or buying him gifts.  These are signs and tokens of your submission, and will become more and more pleasurable as your exploration of your submissive side deepens and you embrace your servitude.  These are acts of obedience as well as an embrace and exploration one’s servile nature and inner bliss.

Tribute: The offering of goods, services or financial considerations is a demonstration of submission, fealty and adoration.  The pleasure derived by the slave through these acts is empowering.  At no time should the slave expect the gifts or services he provides to obligate the Master in any way.  He can be placated, appeased and lavished with gifts, as you would do any object of your love and obsession.  What time and attentions he gives in return are to satisfy his needs as the Dominant (for there can be no domination without slaves).  Such contact serves to strengthen the bonds of slavery and control.   They are the means by which the slave’s soft boundaries of resistance to a more complete submission are eroded away. 

A

Abrasion - To wear down the skin by using friction. Materials and toys such as sandpaper, steel wool, rough cloth, and bottlebrushes are often used. This increases sensitivity while giving both pleasure and pain.

Acomoclitic - Preference for hairless genitals

Acucullophilia - Sexual attraction to men who are circumcised.

Adult Babies - Age play wherein the submissive is the baby. This may include diapering, powdering, wearing a pacifier, sleeping in a crib, etc. Rarely taken to a 24/7 extreme.

Adult Toy Chest – A place where one keeps their sex toys. A sex toy box.

Age Play - play that involves assuming the role of someone of a different age. Most commonly, one of the adults takes on the younger role, usually in the submissive capacity.

Algophilia - Sexual arousal from experiencing pain

Allopellia - Reaching orgasm from watching other people in sexual activities.

Alligator Clamp – A type of nipple clamp with tips that have teeth resembling an alligators mouth. Most clamps of this style come with removable rubber tips and have adjustment screws to limit how far they can close. Click Here

Altocalciphilia - High heel fetish

Anal Dildo – A dildo that is intended to be used with the anus as the receptor. Click Here

Anal Intercourse - Sex using the anus as the receptor.

Androminetophilia - Sexual arousal from female cross dressers

Ankle Cuffs - Attachable cuffs, generally made of leather, that enable a Dom to immobilize his submissive’s legs

Ankle Restraint - Any device including ankle cuffs that immobilize a submissiveness legs. Click Here

Animal Training - Training where the Dominant has his submissive play the part of an animal, such as horses and dogs. The most common is “puppy play”.

Asphyxiaphilia - see breath control

Autoclave - Professional sterilization device for piercing equipment.

Auto-erotic Asphyxiation - see breath control

Autogynephilia - Sexual arousal from cross-dressing

B

B&D, B/D, B/d  - Bondage and Discipline. Although they go together in this phrase, they are not inextricably linked. Bondage means restraining someone in a helpless position (Such as being tied up.) Discipline is training a person to behave in a certain way. They tend to go together because Dominants tend to do both to their submissive.

BDSM - A popular acronym for activities inclusive of (but not limited to) Bondage, Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism & Masochism. Also called WIITWD, an acronym for “What It Is That We Do.” Both mean this type of alternative lifestyle. Sometimes the word “Bondage” has the same broad range meaning when used in a descriptive context.

BDSM Toy Box – A place where one keeps their BDSM gear or play equipment.

BJ - expression for blowjob (fellatio); ditto in the BDSM lifestyle.

Ball Gag - A device with a rubber ball and straps, which secures the ball in the bottom’s mouth to stifle screams. Click Here

Ball Stretching - The practice of stretching the scrotal sack so that it hangs lower using weights or other devices to pull on it above the testicles. As the sack is pulled, the testicles are squeezed leading to discomfort and sometime pain. Click Here

Ball Torture - Causing pain to the male testicles, also included in CBT or cock and ball torture. Click Here

Ball Toys - Toys used for playing with the scrotum - such as weights, straps, etc. Click Here

Ball Weights - Weights used to stretch the scrotum. See Ball Stretching Click Here

BalletBoots   – Extremely high heeled boots that require you to stand on the ends of your toes rather than the sole of your foot. Usually they have heels that are 8-9 inches and require considerable training and ability to walk in without assistance. Sometime also referred to as bondage boots. Click Here

Barbell - A straight piece of metal used in piercing, as opposed to a ring.

Basoexia - Sexual arousal from kissing

Bastinado - Foot torture involving the soles of the feet.

Beating - General term for such BDSM activities such as flogging caning, spanking, strapping, etc.

Belonephilia - Sexual arousal from use of needles

Belt - A leather strap used for striking the buttocks.

Blend Modality - Depilation (hair removal) using both electrolysis and thermolysis.

Blindfold - By blocking out sight - a common technique in SM scene - the bottom feels more vulnerable and increases the release of endorphins, thus contributing to the excitement in the scene. Click Here

Blood sports - A group of techniques in which the submissive’s skin is broken and blood is allowed to escape. Such as cutting, using needles, etc. See also “Edgeplay.”

Blowjob - Fellatio, head, sucking cock.

Body Art - Artful body modification including: piercing, tattoos and brandings.

Body Modification - Making alterations to the appearance of the body. Includes, but is not limited to, tattoos, piercings, brandings, scarification.

Body Shaving - Removal of hair with a razor. Female and male submissives commonly shave their pubic hair clean.

Bondage - Making a submissive physically helpless and to a great extent immobilized. Techniques include rope ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, stocks and mummification.

Bootlicking - Licking and cleaning of a Dominant’s boots by a submissive is a common show of submission. Can also be a fetish.

Bottom - A submissive.

Boy - Term for male submissive (also spelled “boi”)

Boy Toy – A male who is submissive to a dominant. Dominant can be either male or female.

Branding - Making a permanent or semi-permanent scar on the skin by burning it with a heated metal object. Usually used by a Master to “mark” his slave as his property.

Brat - Term for a sub who tries to get the attention of a Dom/me by “acting up.”

Breast Bondage - Tying up the female breasts with rope.

Breast Press - A device that squeezes the breasts.

Breath Control - another type of “edgeplay” whereby the submissive’s breath is stopped for a short period of time to increase pleasurable sensations. Also called asphyxiaphilia, autoerotic asphyxiation, breath games, breathplay and hypoxyphilia. Very Dangerous.

Bukake - Sexual scene where many men masturbate on and give a “semen bath” to a willing submissive

Bullwhip - A long, heavy leather whip usually longer than 4 feet.

Butterfly Board - A wood board where a male’s scrotum can be nailed or pinned onto.

Buttplug - a “sextoy” shaped to fit into and stay inside the rectum.

Buttplug Harness – Usually a leather harness that prevents a buttplug from being removed either intentional or accidentally from the rectum. Click Here

C

Cage - A bondage practice, wherein the submissive is kept inside a cage. They can be so small as to restrict motion or large enough for two or more people.

Candle - A source of hot wax, which is dripped onto the bottom’s body in BDSM play.

Caning - Using a rattan cane (although they are made of many other substances) on a Submissive. Usually more severe than a flogging. Click Here

Cat - An old school expression for an old school BDSM tool of discipline - the “cat o nine tails”. Click Here

Cat O Nine Tails – a whip that has exactly 9 strands. Some have a knot at the end for increased sensation or sting. Click Here

Catheter - Flexible tube used in medicine; in BDSM catheters designed for the bladder, often utilized in ‘control’ scenes.

Cathterophilia - Sexual arousal from inserting a catheters

CBT - Cock and Ball Torture - Causing pain to the male genital area; usually in controlled, consensual BDSM scenes. Click Here

Chastity Belt - A device used to keep the submissive chaste when the Dominant is away. Comes in both male and female models. Click Here Chains - Multi-use metal links; used to restrain, restrict movement and/or tie up a submissive.

Chezolagnia - masturbating while defecating

Circumcision - The cutting away of some or the entire foreskin, in males. In the female, circumcision usually refers to the removal of the clitoral hood.

Clamp - Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clamp some body part of a submissive.

Clingfilm - Generic term for plastic wrap which is used in mummification scenes.

Clip - Generic term for any BDSM toy (even if garnered at a hardware store) that can clip some body part of a submissive.

Clitoridectomy - Surgical removal of the clitoris.

Clitorilingus - Tonguing the clitoris. Also called “eating” which is easier to pronounce.

Clothespins - wooden or plastic clothespins, typically used to produce pain sensation on the skin. Usually on nipples and genital areas.

Clover Nipple Clamps - Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. Also known as Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps. Click Here

Coca-Cola Submissive - A submissive who only obeys the easy stuff or only when he/she feels like it. Cock Cage - a CBT device that encase a penis shaft inside it. Can be either a solid or web design. Click Here

Cock Cuff –  a chastity device that consists of a tube welded to a handcuff, usually both made of stainless stelel. The penis is slide into the tube and the handcuff closes behind the ball sack making removal all but impossible without unlocking the handcuff. A very effective chastity device. Click Here

Cock Ring - Rubber or metal ring that slips round base of cock and balls; supposed to increase duration of erection but also has D/s aspects to it.  

Cock Strap - Leather or neoprene strap that wraps around the base of cock and balls to help improve erection.

Cock Sucking - see “fellatio” if you don’t already know.

Cock Torture - Cock and ball torture without the ball torture. Giving pain only to the penis shaft.

Color Codes - such as the hanky code of sexual preference.

Collar and Leash - Worn by the bottom during this type of BDSM play. The Dominant holds the leash and the bottom must follow and obey. Click Here   and Click Here

Condom - Latex “rubber” that goes over the penis to prevent semen from entering a vagina. Also known as “rain coat” and “gym cap.”

Consent - To give approval. The BDSM code of “safe, sane and consensual” or “SSC” is the cornerstone of BDSM play. With consent being the most important.

Contract - A written agreement between D/s partners outlining the extent of their relationship. These contracts cannot be legally enforced, but they are often used to define the relationship. See also Slave Contracts.

Control - The Dominant should have control in one form or another over his submissive in any D/s relationship.

Coprolagnia - Sexual excitement derived from eating feces

Coprolalia - Sexual excitement from dirty words

Coprophilia - Gaining sexual pleasure from scat play.

Corporal Punishment - Retributive punishment using repetitive spankings and question and reply to change a bottom’s behavior.

Corset - Very popular clothing item that cinches and narrows the waist and gives the female an “hourglass” figure. Click Here

Crop - A type of whip used in horseback riding, quite popular in BDSM scenes. It stings and can mark a butt severely, but is easy to master and quite reasonable in price. Click Here Cross - see St. Andrew’s Cross.

Cross Dressing - Dressing in clothing worn by the opposite sex. Does not indicate sexually preference in any way.

Crucifixion - BDSM play wherein a submissive is tied to a cross.

Cuff - A metal or leather bondage device that locks round a limb and can be used to immobilize the sub’s limbs. Click Here

Cunnilingus - Licking and sucking the cunt.

Cunt Torture - Stimulation or pain inflicted on the female genitals. Click Here

Cupping - The placing of suction devices on the skin to increase blood flow. Typically these are used on the nipples and the genitalia. Increasing the blood flow increase sensation as well.

Cutting - Cutting the submissive’s skin with a sterile knife. These can be either temporary or permanent. Made permanent by putting sterile foreign substances into them before they heal. Not for beginners.

D

DM - Acronym for Dungeon Monitor. In a BDSM play party, they watch the scenes to make sure house rules are followed and the play is safe.

DP - Double penetration.

D/s - Popular abbreviation for Dominance and submission. A relationship between a Top and bottom where one is Dominant and the other submissive. Can be for a scene or can be a long-term relationship or anything in between. (Also called Dom-sub, DS, D/S, D&S.)

Dacryphilia - Sexual arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of one’s partner. Something sadists sometimes find enjoyable or arousing.

Daddy - A role taken on by some dominants; especially common in age play.

Depilation - Removal of hair. Many Dominants require their submissive to shave certain areas, their whole body or just their pubic hair.

Dildo - A manufactured penis-shaped object.

Discipline - Whipping, spanking, verbal orders, etc for the purpose of training a submissive.

Dittle Sound - A straight urethral sound.

Dog-Training - Role-play games involving treating the bottom as a dog. Similar to Pony Training where the bottom is treated like a pony.

Dom - Short for Dominant.

Dominant - A Top. who controls a bottom, submissive, or slave.

Domination - Taking the Dominant role - controlling the bottom’s behavior, it can be role-play or in a D/s relationship.

Dominatrix - A Domme; it implies being a professional.

Domme - A female Dominant. Can also be used interchangeably with Mistress

Double Penetration - Simultaneous penetration of the ass and pussy.

Douche, Douching - Injecting of a liquid, usually water, into the asshole or pussy, usually for hygiene purposes prior to sex or ass play.

Duct Tape - Also known as gaffer’s tape; used in many BDSM scenes (such as taping the submissive’s mouth shut).

Dungeon - Dramatic term for a BDSM or Bondage playroom.

E

EMS Unit - see Tens Unit

Ecdyosis - Sexual arousal from stripping in front of an audience

Ecdysiast - A stripper

Edgeplay - Technically, this refers to knife play. But it has come to mean anything “on the edge.” Or considered “Extreme” It can even include fisting, asphyxia, play piercings, needle play, etc. One person’s edge can be another’s norm so there are no hard and fast rules defining what “edgeplay” is.

Edgeplayer - A person who partakes in edgeplay.

Electrical Play - Using electricity for stimulation. Professionally made electrical units are to be used - like the “tens” unit and the “violet wand.” Not for beginners.

Electrolysis - Permanent electric hair removal.

Electrotorture -Another, more dramatic, term for electrical play.

Emasculation - Permanent removal of the male sex organs. Sometimes simulated through the use of a chastity device or through a dominants restrictions forbidding typical male behavior such a urinating while standing.

Endorphin - A chemical produced in the body that seems to be involved in regulating the perception of pain. Endorphins give a “rush” similar to adrenaline (which is released simultaneously) and it is speculated that their release is the cause of the phenomenon known as “subspace.”

Enema - A thorough anal douche using a bag and tube.

Enema Play - Using the enema as a BDSM device in play.

Enforced Chastity - Chastity play where the Dom controls a sub’s sexual frequency and ability to experience sexual pleasure, usually with a chastity belt or other chastity device.

Extreme Restraints – A Bondage device that is very strict or terribly confining, usually not something used on beginners.

F

Face Fucking - another term for a blowjob. .

Fainting - A temporary loss of consciousness. Caused by lack of oxygen to the brain, can happen during extreme BDSM play - such as breath control, long pain sessions, etc. Can be dangerous (brain damage) when caused by breath control play.

Felching - Imbibing semen out of the vagina or anus

Fellatio - Giving head, a blow-job (BJ), going down on someone, being face fucked: the act of sucking or licking a penis, or having a penis inserted in the mouth.

Fellatrix - Someone whose specialty is Fellatio.

Femdom - A female dominant

Female Domination - Being controlled or lead by a female.

Fetish, Fetishism - An unusual obsession with something. Like a leather fetish, a latex fetish or a shoe fetish. Fetishes are only limited by the human imagination.

Fetish Attire - Clothes that reflect the wearer’s particular fetish, such as leather, latex, rubber or high heels.

Financial Domination – Controlling another’s financial matters or money.

Fire Play - The use of fire in sexual play.

Fisting - also called fist fucking and FF. Attempting to place the whole hand into the rectum or vagina. Must be done with great care and sterility. Can provide exceptional orgasms.

Flagellation - BDSM-related whipping, beating and spanking for erotic stimulation.

Flogger - a multi-tailed leather implement.

Flogging - using a “flogger” on a submissive.

Foley Catheter - Type of catheter that can be inflated with sterile water.

Foot Worship - A foot fetish where the submissive worships the Dominants feet, usually in high heel shoes or boots.

Freeplay - BDSM play where there is no Domination or submission.

Frenum - Piercing the surface of the penis shaft.

Forced Lactation - Continual stimulation and sucking of the female nipple can sometimes produce milk. Also known as forced breast milking

G

Gaffer’s Tape - see Duct Tape.

Galateism - Sexual attraction to statues

Gauge - System of grading the thickness. The lower the number, the thicker the wire or material.

Genitorture - Pain play involving the genitals. (See Ball Torture, Cock and Ball Torture, Cunt Torture).

Gerontophilla - Preference for sex with the elderly

Go Down On - Still another of the endless terms for fellatio.

Golden Showers - Urination play. Also called (duh) “piss play.” And GS.

Gym Cap - Slang for condom.

Gynemimetophilia - Person sexually aroused by a female impersonator

H

Hafada - Piercing through the upper part of the scrotum.

Handcuffs - Commonly used BDSM device to restrain the wrists.

Hanky Code - Old guard leather community’s color code of sexual preference.

Harness - Elaborate bondage device made with leather straps worn on the body

Harpaxophilia - Arousal from being robbed

Hedralingus - Licking someone’s anus (also called rimming.)

Henna - A brown dye made from the leaves of the henna plant. Used in temporary tattoos.

High Heels - Popular objects of foot fetishists, along with boots.

Hobble Skirt - Very narrow skirt that restricts the wearer’s ability to take anything other than tiny steps.

Homilophilia - Sexual arousal from hearing sermons

Hood - A head covering, usually made of leather, that the Dominant wears to increase the “fear factor” in a BDSM scene or a submissive is made to wear to provide some degree of sensory deprivation.

Horse - In bondage, it is a modification of a sawhorse over which a submissive can be tied. Sometimes called a spanking bench.

Hypophilia - Breath play wherein sexual pleasure is derived from limiting the intake of oxygen. Usually accomplished by temporary choking. Very Dangerous.

I

Iantronudia - Sexual arousal from exposing oneself to a medical doctor

Iconolagny - Sexual arousal from statues of nude people

Immobilization - Extreme form of bondage where no body parts can move, one example is mummification. Not for beginners.

Infantilism - Role-play as a young child for sex play

Infibulation - closing off, obstructing or modifying, either permanently or temporarily, the male or female genitalia so as to alter or prevent the conduct of sexual intercourse.

J

John - A person who patronizes prostitutes.

Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps - Type of adjustable nipple clamps that tightens as it is pulled. General preferred because they won’t easily slip off.

K

Kleptolagnia - Sexual arousal from stealing

Klismaphilia - Sexual arousal from giving or getting enemas

Knife Play - A specific form of “edgeplay” where the Dominant uses a knife to either cut or tease the submissive.

Knot - The easiest way to fasten rope in bondage.

Knismolagnia - Sexual arousal from tickling

Kolpeuryntomania - Sexual arousal from forced dilation of the vagina

L

Lactaphilia - Sexual arousal from lactating breasts

Lash - A strike from a whip, paddle, crop or flogger.

Latex Play - Play which uses paint on latex.

Leather - One of the most popular of fetish materials; many get excited by the look and/or feel of leather clothing, boots, etc.

Legcuffs – large handcuffs intended to be used to immobilize or restrict movement of the ankles

Leg Irons - Steel ankle cuffs. Patterned after British prisoner restraints. “Put him in irons!”

Limit - The point beyond which a submissive does not allow the Dominant to go. It can be a “soft limit” which can change over time, or a “hard limit” which is more or less written in stone. For example, a submissive might say, “fisting is my hard limit.” Or soft!

Lorum - Piercing through the skin on the underside of the penis.

Lunge Whip - see Quirt.

M

Ma'am - Term of respect for a female Dominant.

M/s - Master/slave. (Also, less popularly, MS, M&S or M-s)

Macrogenitalism - Sexual arousal from outsized genitals

Maid - Popular role-play where the submissive dresses up - and acts like - a maid.

Maieusiophilia - Sexual arousal from pregnant women

Malacca - A thick cane.

Maledom, male dom - A male Dominant.

Male Domination – BDSM play where a male is the one in control or who controls the submissive.

Mammagymnophilia - Sexual arousal from female breasts

Manacle - Metal restraints.

Martinet - Small flogger.

Masochist - One who gets pleasure from pain.

Master - Dominant, controlling partner in a D/s relationship, where the submissive partner is known as the slave.

Medical Scene - BDSM scene involving medical scenarios.

Menophilist - Sexual arousal from women on their period

Mentor - A teacher or advisor who often shows a “newbie” around the world of BDSM and D/s. Mistress - Female analogue of Master.

Merinthophilia - Sexual arousal from bondage

Mistress - Female counterpart for Master, a female dominant.

Mommy - Analogue of Daddy in BDSM play. Sometimes submissives call their Mistress “Mommy.”

Mousetraps - Used as a BDSM device for nipple torture. A severe and pain cheap nipple clamp.

Mummification - A unique kind of bondage scene in which the whole body is wrapped tightly in a film - typically plastic wrap. (You never thought it would be used for that, did you?). Not for beginners.

N

Nailing - BDSM play where the scrotum or breasts are nailed to a board.

Nasogastric tube - Used in control scenes such as forced feeding.

Nasolingus - Sexual arousal from nose sucking

Necrochlesis - Sex with a corpse

Necrophilia - Sexual gratification from sex with the dead

Needle Play - another “edgeplay” where sterilized needles are inserted through the top layer of the skin (the epidermis). Most popularly it is done underneath and around the female nipple and the breast. Not for beginners.

Negotiation - discussing hard and soft limits and related items of BDSM taste before any play or relationship begins. It helps in defining Safe, Sane and Consensual between the dominant and submissive.

Newbie - Someone new to something such the BDSM play or lifestyle.

Nipple Clamps - Devices that clamp onto the nipples. Weights can be attached to stretch the nipples. Nipple Clamps often provide increased stimulation which can involve pain and pleasure. See Also, Japanese Clover Nipple Clamps, Alligator Nipple Clamps, Tweezer Nipple Clamps

Nipple Rings - Jewelry that looks like small hoop earrings that are inserted through pierced nipples. Another popular jewelry style for pierced nipples is the barbell. There also non-permanent nipple rings which stay attached by pinching the nipple.

Nipple Torture - To cause pain to the nipples. Typically by using nipple clamps, needles, mousetraps, pulling and twisting, etc.

Nipple Shield - Decorative nipple jewelry the encircles or even covers the nipple.

Nipple Weights - Usually weights suspended from either nipple clamps or from nipple piercings.

Novice - see Newbie.

O

Oculolictus - Eyeball-licking

Odaxelangnia - Sexual arousal from biting

Odontophilia - A tooth fetish

Ophidiophilia - Sexual arousal from snakes

Oral Sex - Sex involving contact between mouth and any other sexual organ.

Orogastric Tube - A tube from mouth to stomach. Used in force feeding scenes. Not for beginners.

Osphresiolagnia - Sexual arousal from foul smells

OTK - “Over the Knee” spanking were the subject is placed over the lap of the person administering the spanking.

P

PA - see Prince Albert.

PE - see Power Exchange.

Paddle - A flat instrument used for spanking purposes; usually made of wood or some other rigid material.

Padlock - Common type of lock used in BDSM play. Use to secure bondage restraints, securely fasten chain links together, as labia weights, etc.

Pain - Pain causes the release of endorphins that is thought causes the submissive to go into subspace.

Pain Games - BDSM play involving pain.

Pain Slut - Popular expression for a submissive who loves pain. Also a masochist

Pain Threshold - The point at which stimulation becomes pain.

Pansexuality - BDSM activities encompassing all sexualities, heterosexual, homosexual, trangender, etc.

Parachute Ball Stretcher - A toy resembling a parachute from which weights can be suspended in ball torture scenes.

Phallophilia - Fetish for large penises. Something most women have.

Permanent Piercing - Piercing the body in order to insert jewelry that is intended to be worn on at least a semi-permanent basis.

Piss Play - see Water Sports, Golden Showers.

Play Piercing - Piercing the body temporarily. All piercings are removed at the end of the session.

Podophilia - See Foot Fetish

Pony Play - Role-play scene where the submissive takes on the role of a pony. Can be very elaborate.

Power Exchange - The dynamic whereby the Dominant is consensually given power over the submissive, whether for just the scene or for a relationship. Sometimes called Total Power Exchange or TPE.

Press Style Nipple Clamps - These are nipple clamps that press the nipple between two pieces of metal usually forced together by a thumb screw. The thumb screw allows them to be squeezed tight or jut enough to stay in place.

Prince Albert - Also known as a PA. A male piercing between the urethra and the underside of the penis. Not named after the Prince of Monaco.

Puppy Play - Perhaps the most popular of animal RPGs. Here, the submissive actually mimics a puppy. Sometimes it can evolve into a lifestyle where the “puppy” even sleeps in a cage.

Pushy Bottom - Old school phrase for a very demanding bottom. Associated with Topping from the bottom.

Pussy Torture - The use of BDSM devices - such as clamps - on the female gential area to produce pain.

Pygmalianism - Sex with statues or inanimate objects

Pygophilemania - Sexual arousal from kissing butt cheeks

Q

Quirt - A type of buggy whip used for whipping the submissive. Easier and safer to use than a bullwhip.

R

RPG - Abbreviation for Role Play Games.

Rack - Bondage furniture patterned after the infamous torture device of the Inquisition. The bottom is put on it and “stretched” - but not in the extreme fatal way.

Real Life or Real Time - r/l or r/t - as opposed to virtual or cyber life.

Red - Most common safe word meaning stop.

Restraint - Limiting the bottom’s movement with the use of various bondage gear, equipment or devices.

Restriction - Limiting the bottom’s behavior or physical movement.

Riding Crop - see Crop.

Rimming - Tongue contact with the rectum or asshole.

Ring Gag - A device that keeps the submissive’s mouth wide open. Also called a “piss gag”

Role Play Games - Taking fantasy roles in BDSM scenes. For example, nurse or doctor/patient, etc.

Rope - The most common of bondage equipment.

Rubber - After leather, the most popular fetish material.

S

SAM - Smart Assed Masochist. A pseudo submissive who attempts to control everything the dominant does.

S&M - Sadism and masochism. One who enjoy administering pain and one who enjoys receiving pain.

S/m - Modern term for S & M. Also SM, S/M, SMer

Sadist - An individual who enjoys causing pain. The term dates back to the Marquis de Sade.

Sadomasochism - The perversion of taking pleasure, especially sexual gratification from simultaneous sadism and masochism.

Safe, Sane and Consensual - A popular slogan in the BDSM world meaning that play should always be safe, with good judgment exercised. And, most importantly, it MUST be consensual.

Safe Word - A word or phrase a submissive can use to stop his or her scene. It is absolute. If a Dominant disregards a submissive’s safe word, that Dominant is considered “unsafe.” The most common safe word is “RED!” Some also use a caution word such as “Yellow” to signify that the dominant is approaching a limit.

Saint Andrew’s Cross - A popular piece of BDSM furniture where a submissive can be conveniently tied or cuffed to it and rendered immobile. It looks like a big cross!

Safe Sex - Using condoms and taking all necessary health precautions during sex.

Saran Wrap - Brand of cling film used in mummification scenes.

Scat - Fecal play. An abbreviation for “scatological.”

Scene - A BDSM session. Can be used to refers to “public scene” at a party where the participants let others watch or a “private scene” where just the dominant and submissive are present.

Schoolgirl Role-play - Popular RPG wherein the submissive is the “bad school girl” and the Dominant is the “teacher.”

Self-Bondage - The practice of performing bondage on oneself by oneself.

Shackle - Metal or leather bondage restraint device consisting of round cuffs joined by a chain or bar.

Shaving - It is very common in BDSM for submissives to shave their pubic hair.

Shoe Fetish – One who enjoys shoes. Popular fetish, even in the vanilla world.

Slapper - Rigged paddle modified to make a loud sound.  

Slave - A term used interchangeably with “submissive.” Some consider a slave a more extreme version of a submissive.

Slave Contract - A signed consensual contract, wherein a submissive or slave cedes to the Dom or Master a specified set of powers over her for a set period of time. Although legally unenforceable, it is still a powerful document between dominant and slave

Sound - Medical device to be inserted into the urethra in medical play. Also called “urethral sounds.”

Spanking - To slap on the buttocks with the open hand, or a short flat object such as a paddle or a hairbrush. Used as both punishment and/or in role-play context in BDSM scenes.

Spanking Bench - BDSM furniture, a variation on the saw horse, onto which a submissive is attached (by cuffs, rope, etc.) for the Dominant to spank and play with.

Speculum - Medical device intended for opening and examining the rectum or vagina; used mostly in “doctor/medical scene” play.

Spencer Paddle - Type of wooden paddle with holes drilled though it.

Spreader Bar - A long metal rod that holds the submissive legs, thighs or even wrists wide apart.

Stigmatophilia - Sexual attraction to those with body modifications or tattoos

Stocks - A piece of bondage furniture patterned after the Puritan model. The head and hands go through holes while the submissive is standing.

Straitjacket, Straightjacket - Confining device used mostly in psychiatric wards to restrain the insane. It is intended to prevent the movement of the arms and is usually impossible to remove without assistance.

Strangling - see Breath Control.

Strapon - A belt or harness that has a dildo attached. IT allows the wearer the ability to fuck another either in the vagina or anus.

Strapping - Another term for a “beating”.

Sub - see Submissive.

Subby - see Submissive.

Subbie - see Submissive.

Submission - The act of submitting to the will and desire of another, usually within negotiated limits.

Submissive - An individual who consents to give up power to a Dominant. This can be for any duration - for an hour or a lifetime.

Subspace - A state of mind and body - often like a trance - caused by endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.

Surface Burn - A temporary brand, usually produced with copper wire heated less hot than steel used in making a permanent brand.

Surface Piercing - Temporary piercing through the skin’s surface.

Suspension - suspending a submissive with ropes, webbing or chain so that no part of the body touches the floor. Not recommended for beginners.

Switch - A person who can both Top and bottom depending on the situation and his partner. Many switches have switches as partners.

T

24/7 - A 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. At all times.

TENS Unit - Acronym for Transcutaneous Electrical Neural Stimulation unit. Used for sexual stimulation is electrical play scenes. See also Violet Wand.

TPE - Total Power Exchange; term reserved for established 24/7 Master/slave relationships.

TT - Tit torture.

Temporary Piercing - Piercing the body temporarily. All piercings are removed at the end of the session. Same as play piercing.

Thermolysis - A form of electrical hair removal.

Thong Whip – A whip made of thing strands of either leather or rubber. When swing lightly it will not cause much pain, when swung hard it can cause considerable pain.

Timophilia - Sexual arousal from wealth, yet another thing most females have even if the wont admit to it.

Top - A Dominant, the person who is in charge or has control.

Topping from the bottom - This is where a submissive dictates the action in a scene, something that is highly frowned upon. Can also be used in real time context. When a submissive becomes too demanding.

Torture - term meaning to cause pain.

Toy, BDSM - Any piece of equipment used in a BDSM scene.

Tragus - Piercing through the ridge on the face side of the ear hole.

Transgender – Not quite male, not quite female.

Transgenderism – incorporating manners, behaviors, appearance, etc of the opposite sex while still maintaining some of the above of your biological sex.

Tweezer Nipple Clamps - A style of nipple clamp that is like a pair of tweezers with a ring around the outside. As you push the ring toward the pincher ends, it causes the clamp to tighten or bite harder.

U

Urethral Play - Play involving the urethra, the tube that runs between the bladder and the outside of the body. Not for beginners.

Urethral Sound - Medical device to be inserted into the urethra in medical play.

Urolagnia - Sexual excitement from urine or the act of urination

V

Vacuum Pumping - Using the suction of a vacuum to increase the size of body parts.

Vampirism - Sexual arousal caused by drinking blood

Vanilla - People not in the BDSM or Fetish lifestyle. Most people, whether admitted or not have some sort of fetish.

Violet Wand - An electric device usually in form of a glass cylinder, which uses the effect of high frequency electric charges to apply intense stimulation.

Virtual life or Virtual Time - v/l or v/t - often used to describe “online life” as opposed to r/l (real life).

W

WS - see Water Sports.

Water Sports - The sexual enjoyment of urine play. Also called Golden Showers (or GS).

Wattenburg Wheel - A medical pinwheel that is commonly used in BDSM play to stimulate or cause a feeling sensation.

Wax Play - Play in which the Dominant brings hot wax on the submissive’s skin.

Web - A bondage device, popular in many dungeons, created with ropes that are spun like a spider’s web.

Weights - Used to stretch body parts such as nipples and labia; usually attached to clamps or piercings.

Whip - Usually made of leather with a medium size handle and long braided leather strings.

Whipping Post - In olden times, a post to which offenders were fastened for whippings. Reproductions are sometimes used in BDSM dungeons.

X

Y

Z