Tokka Ala Boca

♡ Warning; The following story doesn't explicitly say anything, but It is from a perspective that is (obviously) not doing good. You have been warned.

~

It was too ea𝕣ly to b𝕖 doing 𝕒𝕝l th𝕚s; 𝕥he senseless watching, senseless stalking, all over something so insignificant that if 𝕪ou were seeing it from someone you knew or a stranger; you’d’ve scoffed at their ridiculousness. But 𝕙ere yo𝕦 a𝕣e, watching, waiting.. Yearning. Yearning for a 𝕥ype of life you can never have, a life you’ve alway𝕤 wanted. The kind of life you dont deserve. 

In.. One, two, three.. Out… One, two, three. In... One, two, three.. Out... 

Breat𝕙es so gentle, so even, so calm𝕚ng, relaxing, you just can’t help but to listen. Moving ever so closely, the smell hits you all at once; the scent of old books, a hint of sandalwood and musk, scents you never knew coul𝕕 complim𝕖nt each other the 𝕓𝕖st, but is that true? Or is it only t𝕙𝕚s twisted love saying that? 

In.. Out.. In.. Out..

Ski𝕟, so soft, smooth to the touch; as if touching silk, silk, silk.. Silky eyes, silky hair, silky everything. Perfect. A masterpiece. More, you want, no, you nee𝕕 more. To feel their h𝕒nd in yours, to 𝕗eel their bre𝕒th tickle agais𝕟𝕥 your neck th𝕒t immediately rai𝕤es goosebumps, to just feel them, to revel in all they are! That's all 𝕪ou want! All you need! But how do you verbalize that to them when you can barely even understand this? How can you explain this obsession that has no rhyme or reason? That exists solely on an escape of reality; nothing more than a fantasy? But is that really what it is? Is it more than what you think it to be? Is it more than what you try to make it out to seem? Is it truly an obsession if you're only burying everything you're scared of? Truly the nightmare you think it to be?

In. Out. In. Out.

Why?! Why does it have to be like this? Why can't you just love like a normal person?! Why can't you just BE normal?! Be everything that you aren't?! Something you’ve always craved to be! Why can't you just tell them? Tell them everything; the good, the bad, the horrible and the worst. They’ve seen your worst, they’ve practically seen it all. But how can you show them your best after that? It isn’t like it's a secret. You just don’t know how to act. You're childish, irritatingly so, you overreact, you’re fucking you! You're horrible, of course they couldn’t want you, so now your stuck with these fleeting moments, stolen glances, where they only see you, like your the only light in their perfect life. Where regardless of the outside world, regardless of every hurtful comment they made unknowingly; you actually matter to them. Of course you’re still stuck on a fantasy. You’ll forever be stuck in a prison of your own making, thanks to your waiting. You’ll forever dwell on the what-ifs, the faux attention, the everything they show you when it’s just you two. So here you are; yearning to reach out, grab their hand, card your fingers through their hair, to feel the warmth radiating from them, but that will never happen as you're too much of a coward to tell them. So you sit here, reliving old memories spent oh-so carelessly with them. Their long gone; spending time with another.

IN, OUT, IN, OUT!

A prison of your own making, nothing more, nothing less. Days pass, the weeks turn into months, but the pain refuses to dull. Refuses to Leave you be, refuses to just.. Disappear. To stop hurting. Why? Why hurt yourself over something you knew could never work out in the first place? (Because you're an idiot.) Stuck in memories that were nothing more than a pesky flea to him, but were worth more than any jewel in the world to you. Hate. Hate, hate, hate! You hate this! You hate the fact you can’t control this one vital aspect of your life! Doomed to repeat the mistakes of so many people before you, all because of your twisted sense of love. Because, no matter who you try to be; you’ll always be you; someone that will always fail. Someone worth nothing more than a single glance.

~Tokka♡

🏞 V.1

♡TW: mentions of drug use, downwards spiral, possible mentions/hints of self-harm/harmful habits and/or suicide, manipulation.

ᴀ/ɴ: ɪ ᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴛɪᴄɪᴢɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ, ꜱᴏ ɪꜰ ɪᴛ ꜱᴇᴇᴍꜱ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪ ᴀᴍ, ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴍᴇᴀɴ ꜰᴏʀ ɪᴛ ᴛᴏ. ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰᴏʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ♡

~

It was the only thing you 𝕙𝕖ar𝕕 everyday. Might it be a friend 𝕠r 𝕖ven a complete 𝕤tra𝕟ger; 'He's chea𝕥ing on you.' He𝕝l, even his c𝕠nquests came up to you, bearing his marks while they gloated about 'winning' him. But he promised to stop, promised to be loyal to you and only you and you trust him. Why wouldn't you? People slip up, make mistakes, or so you keep trying to justify. But how many times can you justify him taking your money to fix mistakes he made with whatever person he had laying in his bed? To then come to you, demanding you please him howe𝕧𝕖r he deemed necessary. 'But it was so great in the beginning...' 𝕐𝕠𝕦 keep repeating that like a mantra like a lifeline; and maybe? It was.

It’s a ‘secret’ message. They don’t really have meaning, more so just a fun easter egg I decided to add for people who would want to decipher them. Just to note; you dont have to decipher them.

♡

Your eyes fly open, dren𝕔hed in sweat, lips parted while y𝕠u pant heavily as if you were breathing from a s𝕞all air bubble. Your hands instantly go to your throat, assuring it was still there while your vision began blurring at the edges. shaky hands reach 𝕗𝕠𝕣 your phone, dialing 𝕥he one number you knew you could call at any time, even i𝕗 it was the middle of an apocalypse or just 2 in the mo𝕣ning.

"Y/N? What's up?" His sleepy v𝕠ice is heard through the device. You can't answer, instead just gasping for air, unable to properly articulate why you called. "Woah, woah hey.. Just like I taught you; hands above your head. Breathe in four seconds, hold four seconds, out four seconds." His voice cal𝕞ly commanded, and you lis𝕥ened, beginning square breat𝕙ing. Slowly, your h𝕖art rate sl𝕠wed, your body stopped feeling like static, and your fi𝕟ally abl𝕖 to talk.

"I'm sorry... It's just.. I had a nightmare..." 𝕐𝕠𝕦 fina𝕝ly managed t𝕠 say after a few minutes. "Do you want to talk about it?" And god, did you want to talk about it, you just didn't know how. How do you explain a dream that kept repeating itself o𝕧𝕖r and over for what felt l𝕚ke year𝕤? How can you properly convert your jumbled thoughts into proper 𝕤entences? So inste𝕒d; you stay silent.

"I see.. Alright, how about a guessing game?" He simply said. That's just how it was; you didn't need to say anything and he'd know exa𝕔tly what you needed, even when you didn't know yourself.

"Did you see anyone 𝕔ertain, maybe a family member, a friend?" No.

"Was it in a familiar place?" Yes.

"Was the place somew𝕙ere you go often?" No.

"W𝕒s the𝕣e a runn𝕚𝕟g wat𝕖r source? A lake, a river?" Yes.

And just like that; he figured out what exactly scared you. A repeating dream of drowning. Maybe it wasn't something you truly were scared of, maybe it was, but one thing was certain; if you ever have another scare, you can call him. He'll listen, he'll help put the pieces together, and he'll just help you.

~

You look at 𝕙im from your sitting position on a random hill you both drov𝕖 around practica𝕝ly all night searching as the perfect sp𝕠t to watch the sunrise when you're hit with his absolutely stunning beauty; the sky was at it's golden hour with the colorful sky blending together so perfectly that shone down on him, gi𝕧ing him an 𝕖ven more ethereal look to you. The variation𝕤 oranges, pinks, and reds to the faint traces of purples and blues complimented his complexion just so flawlessly.

"The sunlight reflexs on 𝕪𝕠𝕦 so perfectly." You quietly say, maybe with a tad 𝕓it of ins𝕖𝕔urity. He 𝕒lways felt way o𝕦t of your league; he wa𝕤 p𝕖rfect while 𝕪𝕠𝕦? Not so much.. You knew the𝕣𝕖 were people vying for his attention, hell, 𝕪𝕠𝕦 were one of them! But you just got lucky he noticed you and just so happened to love every little quirky thing you 𝕕id, might it be h𝕠w you tied your straw wrappers i𝕟𝕥o knots, how you hummed or sang when 𝕔leaning, or the silly little ways you organized.

And because 𝕙e noticed you, he noticed how mel𝕒𝕟cholic you sounded. He propped himself up on his elbows, his adorin𝕘 gaz𝕖 focusing on you. That gaze, it saw right through you, knew exactly what you were thinking.

"I'd look even better with you by my side; why don't you scoot closer?" His velvety voice lilted, and you complied. Why wouldn't you? The most perfect, most ethereal being you've ever seen wants you, not the men nor the women in a competition for his attention, but you.

Maybe you'll never be as perfect as he is, and maybe you'll always believe your nothing compared to him, but does that really matter when he chose you? When he holds you on those rough days? When you're nothing more than human? You'll always be a human, but atleast he's by your side.

~

♡Possible TW; depression.

All it took was three sentences that shattered what little sanity you had left. It had been two months s𝕚nce 𝕥he 𝕨orst d𝕒y of your life; out of the blue, your boyfriend broke up with you, citing 'he needed a break'. You were finally, finally going back out after you wallowed in the 𝕤ame pair of pajamas for god k𝕟ows how long when your roomma𝕥e managed to convince 𝕪𝕠𝕦 to go to a party with her. The second you entered, you already knew you were going to regret this, and you did.

Was 𝕚𝕥 the pitying looks that acquaintances threw at you? 𝕨𝕒𝕤 it the way whe𝕟 you walk𝕖d past people, the chatter immediately stopped? Nope.

"Did you hear? ___ got with back with his ex?"

"Didn't he just break up with what's-her-face?"

"Wow, I don't en𝕧y h𝕖𝕣.."

And just like that; 𝕪𝕠𝕦r regretting every life choice you've ever made that led you here. You both were so happy? What went wrong? Was it something you did? How long would it take to build a time machine and go back in time to prevent yourself from making whatever mistake you made?

~

More months pass; the end of Summer that quickly changed into the beginning of Autumn. Even with all that time, you still couldn't figure out just how you ruined everything. Each day, you'd watch him flaunt the girl who, even before that fateful day, you were always afraid of, not because she would hurt you; but you were scared of this exact scenario. He'd assure you that this would never happen, yet here you were; drowning in depression after he systematically removed every support beam in your sanity to build himself a shiny new boat. You can't admit how many random drunken nights you spent calling him, leaving voicemails upon voicemails begging for him back.

Will you ever heal? You don't know.

Will the pain ever stop? You hope it would.

Will you take him back if he came back? You definitely shouldn't but you probably will..

~

Tokka♡

"The stars look so pretty!" You exclaim, laying against your boyfriend, looking up at the night sky on some random buildings roof, ontop of a blanket. He just chuckles at your childish excitement. "It's just some stars." He would tease you, enjoying the way you'd feign being angry about it. "But I get to see such a beautiful sight with you!" You'd argue back playfully. Your dynamic might be a bit.. unexpected, but you wouldn't change it for the world. Pointing out the random stars, enthusiastically talking about how they shone, attempting to connect them into silly shapes all whilst he just watched you; admiring you. To him, all your goofy little quirks were absolutely perfect, might it be how you danced while cooking or sang while you cleaned; no matter what it was, YOU were absolutely perfect.

After a while of silence, you hear him clear his throat which caused you to turn in his direction. "One day, I'll take you to the moon, take you too see the stars." He stated with such seriousness that you couldn't help but laugh. "Of course you will; I want to see the world with you." You say, snuggling closer into his side. Being held by the man you love under the twinkling lights of the stars was the one thing you would never change, come rain or snow. The blissful warm breeze making everything seem perfect; like time froze just for you both. Maybe it did; this euphoric adventure seemed to last forever, not that you minded in the slightest.

"You look so beautiful under the moonlight." He murmured to you, his eyes gazing at you tenderheartedly. Without another word, you press your lips to his; ending this phenomenal experience in pure rapture.

~

Today was just one of them days; You didn't know why, but you just felt stuck in your head. Deciding to cancel the plans you've made with friends in favor of just lounging around. Atleast, that was the case. Unbeknownst to you, your best friend was currently on his way over with a basket of your favorite sweets, a hoodie, some facemasks, nailpolish, makeup, and even some fuzzy socks. You were currently lounging on your couch, just rotting in your pajamas when you heard your front door being unlocked. Now, the only people who knew where your spare key was aside from your immediate family was your bestfriend, and since you canceled plans with your friend group, you correctly assumed it was him. He sauntered in with his normal arrogant confidence, plopping the basket on your coffee table. He doesn't speak, just putting your hair up into a messy bun while he applied the face mask on you, smoothing out each wrinkle. He still didn't speak as he painted your nails in your favorite color, nor when he fed you chocolates and snacks, putting the fuzzy socks on for you. He grabbed your remote, putting on some stupid movie you've both made fun of in the past.

He just held you close, his presence comforting you from the small mental prison you found yourself locked in. "Do you want to talk about it?" Was the first thing he said after just caring for you for what could've been over an hour or just 15 minutes. So you decided to tell him everything; just waking up in this bad head space, how you feel now, how grateful you are for him, everything.

Maybe today wasn't so bad after all..

~

You woke up late. Around 2:13 to be exact. Your eyes fluttered open, searching for him but he was nowhere to be seen. You get up and slide on your slippers, deciding you'd search for him. He couldn't be far, right? You walk down the hallway, the soft pitter-pattering of your footsteps echoing around you. You sigh, checking every room you come across before finally, you notice the front door slightly ajar. Taking a deep breath, you head outside. The night air was warm, comforting as you scan the surrounding area for him. Sure enough, he was idling in the garden nearby, staring at the Peruvian lilies.

"Your up late. Mind if I join you?" Your voice gentle, breaking through the night noises. You approach slowly, wrapping your arms around his waist, your head nuzzling into his back.

"Sorry, did my absence wake you?" He asked just as softly, a hand reaching behind to pat your head. "Of course you can join me, dear. I'd never take that from you." He pulls your arm gently so he could bury his head into your shoulder. Yes, he might tower over you and yeah, he can be pretty intimidating, but he was truly just a teddy bear for you. He sways both your bodies together, the movements gentle and slow. You both stayed there, swaying to the sounds of the night; crickets chirping, owls hooting, and the occasional firefly lighting up around you.

"Stay here with me longer, I wanna be here with you."

~

He was touching you. His fingers nothing more than a feather trailing down your smooth skin. Trailing, teasing, promising an array of pleasure as long as you complied. You held your mouth, careful of any of the noises you knew were bound to escape knowing the lewd sounds would only egg him on further. You feel his fingers gliding down your abdomen, slowly teasing its way down til it reached the sensitive parts of your budding clit; small circular motions that had you biting back the sounds of pure ecstasy.

Slow, slow lazy-like movements his fingers gently circles before finally a single finger slips in, then two. The movements of his hand roughly plunging into you finally caused the noises you tried so hard to hold back to escape; the lewd sounds only making him more eager. His fingers pace quickening, his teeth grazing over your sensitive skin, It all adds up. Your thighs begin to shake, your fingers curling in his hair letting out breathy moans whilst he doesn't stop his onslaught. The air around you thick with sweat, the lewd sounds of his fingers pushing your slick in and out, out and in, the sound was intoxicating to you; reminding you who you were with, what exactly he was doing to you. You feel your on the edge, and before you could release, he pulled his hand away, his mouth seizing its movements before he stares down at you.

~

You were never the one for the meaningless chatter before hooking up. Your only there for a quick good time; nothing more, nothing less. So it came to a shock to you when your latest conquest started talking dirty to you.

"Oh, you take me like such a good girl," His words laced thickly with pride as he pushed deeper into you with ease, thanks to the strawberry flavored lube. You couldn’t lie; hearing such words just did something to you. You felt more eager, more enthusiastic as your face flushed from his words. One of his large hands gripping onto your waist, pulling you back and forth on him while the other grips your hair. "You see how well you take me? How much you love it?" He asked with his huskily seductive voice, yanking your hair back just enough for you to make those pretty sounds. Looking at yourself; you see your arm braced against the wall while the other is over his hand on your waist, your eyes are glossy, your mouth slightly parted with soft whimper-like moans pushing out of your mouth, willingly or not. Your legs tremble, barely able to keep yourself upright for much longer.

"Use your words. What do you need?" His sultry voice asked, the lewd of the lube and your juices being pushed in and out faintly heard. You couldn't think, couldn't talk. All you cloud do was silently beg for more; more of his praises, his dirty words. "Please.." You softly beg, your voice cracking, "Please talk dirty to me." And he complies, moving you to the bed, pushing your legs up to your shoulders and holding them in place while he trails rough kisses up your breast right under your ear. "Aw, aren't you just the cutest little mess for me~?" He would taunt, gently grazing your earlobe. "Just keep being the good little slut I want you to be.."

~

Hands. His hands running long, teasing strips down the exposed flesh of your midriff. Your head lays heavily against the silk that adorned his bed. His smooth lips pressing teasing kisses and nips along your exposed flesh, slowly trailing lazy kisses down over your breasts, giving extra attention to circling his tongue around your areola's before letting his tongue flick over your nipple. He grinned when he felt your entire body trembling, practically purring when you made those oh so beautiful sounds for him.

~

You wake up softly panting, a light sheen of sweat coating your body; the only evidence of your passion-filled dream. Before you can think, his your hands began trailing over your body in a crude attempt to imitate his rough, calloused hands against your skin. Your attempts are weak, feeble compared to the real thing; that's why your up at 3:13, messaging him to come over. Of course he obliges; your wants are his. You throw your phone to the side, uncaring of the useless device; it does nothing to ease your growing need of him. Your hands quickly return to prepare for him. The minutes roll by, finally hearing the familiar car door slam, the heavy footfalls up your wooden porch steps that just teasingly creaks under his brooding figure. Your hands growing hungrier as you hear keys jingle, your door creaking open before finally, there he stands. The man who put you in this position in the first place. Without uttering a single word, he's on you. His hands replacing where yours were just seconds before.

"I need you.." you breathily say, your voice thick with pure, unfiltered lust. Trailing his fingers down your body. his husky voice coating your hearing just beautifully; "Well, I'm all yours."

~