TB THT

Day eight of being alone. At moments I’m filled with joy and contentment. The next, I’m………..

What a moment.

Watching Looking again for the first time 8 years later… different perspective, different eyes. Watching it alone. But not alone. But maybe wishing alone? Fantasizing alone? Mourning alone. But not wanting alone.

Is this a conversation for an elevator mirror?

How much of our lives orbit around the TV shows we watch? They sync up with the moments in our memories. They co-narrate our existence.

Like relationships, there are only so many good shows. They make us feel— remember— live.

I’m going to miss Younger.

I’m closing so many chapters of my life.

Thinking about trying to save up for a retirement that is 30+ years away seems overwhelming........ will it even be worth it in the end? How will the end look?

The early summer breeze dances through my living room as I’m filled with all these emotions.

I used to think I had such profound thoughts. Now I just write and delete— write and delete.

Life is so strange. Is it retrograde that’s making me think about all these things. What is it supposed to teach me? What do I need to learn right now?

If I’m being really honest, yeah— I guess sometimes I do think about my exes... not in a ‘I want you back’ kind of way— but in a ‘Wow, what a season of my life that was’. What season am I on right now? What are the ratings like? Who’s even watching?

It all started with the theme song to one of my favorite shows, Triumph in the Skies. Such an epic show. 40 episodes. Hearing those songs again made me think about my collage boyfriend. How he’d drive me around, spoil me with presents and sing to me in the car. I always loved guys who would sing. He hadn’t stepped foot in my mind in so long— 12 years maybe?

Then tonight, watching Special season two on Netflix. Seeing the looks they have each other, the giddy stupid things and the NRE. So real. Or was it? Whatever it was I felt it through the screen and now I’m all bothered.

It’s like the FRIENDS reunion special. Did we really need to go there?

Maybe thats what I’m asking myself. Do I really need to go there?

It’s so interesting glistening to Britney after watching the Framing Britney documentary on #Crave. I find myself searching for more behind the songs. I’m looking for sadness I didn’t hear before.

I know that it’s so silly, but I can’t shake it.

Everyone seems to be looking for clues to her real feelings. What does she really want? And when she’s free will she meet the expectations of all the people who’ve been calling for her freedom? What if that’s more pressure than what she is experiencing now?

My mind is all a blur (Blur, another great Britney song)

It’s a funny thing, Mercury retrograde. Your exes come out of the woodwork... you can’t help but wonder what could have been? Would you be able to paddle up a river that you’ve been up before? Would it be easier a second time around? Or would it be the exact same experience? What about who that person ACTUALLY is now? How can you measure the growth?

To be honest, I can’t really remember... but I remember enough. I can’t let my mind run away like that. But it does make me think of what I have now. Seven years.... seven years of ups, downs, but overall trust. Invisible. Valuable.