jules ⋆⁺

You had convinced your boyfriend that Shauna was nothing more than your friend. A very close friend.

Truth be told, you had been certain Derek would laugh in your face and flatly forbid you from seeing Shauna, exactly as you'd expect from an arrogant, possessive asshole. You were especially convinced of that after all the situations with Shauna he'd witnessed firsthand. Not to mention Shauna's reputation, for god's sake. Everyone knew who she was and just how many girls passed through her bed in the span of a single month.

Even so, Derek apparently thought pretty highly of himself. Without taking his eyes off the game, he merely shrugged and replied:

"Sure."

He hissed in annoyance as he missed the goal again. Rolling your eyes, you were already about to leave his room to meet Shauna when Derek finally moved. He gave your hip a light pat and muttered into your ear,

"Just don't suck her off like some little slut."

His words hit you like a red rag to a bull.

You stormed into Shauna's room, seething. Before she could even get up from the bed to properly greet you, you shoved her back down. She dropped onto the edge of the mattress, staring at you with wide eyes as you fumbled with her belt. Before you knew, her cock was pushing down your throat, and she exploded in your mouth, making you swallow everything.

"Jesus Christ," she muttered, sounding faintly amused.

Her broad hand slipped into your hair, gently massaging your scalp. You rested your cheek against her thigh, looking up at her. The anger inside you still hadn't settled. You knew you should've felt guilty, disgusted with yourself, even but all you felt was a fierce, burning satisfaction.

Too bad that asshole hadn't been there to see it.

As if sensing something was wrong, Shauna frowned. She opened her mouth to speak, but you shook your head.

"I can't stand him," you rasped. Shauna's hand paused for a moment before resuming its slow, soothing massage "He's disgusting, arrogant, and he thinks he can do whatever the hell he wants..."

"Like me?" Shauna interrupted with a stupid grin.

You smacked her on the knee.

"Not like you," you grumbled.

"Sounds like me." She refused to let it go.

You hesitated. The words that Shauna at least seemed to care about you sat on the tip of your tongue. It didn't take long to realize this probably wasn't the right time for a conversation like that.

Especially with her cock still only inches from your face.

You rose from your knees, and only then did it occur to Shauna that she should pull her pants back up. A moment later, still a little shaky on her legs, she padded over to you. She wrapped one arm around your shoulders while the other settled at your waist.

"Total asshole," she murmured into your ear.

You were grateful she didn't try to convince you to break up with him. You weren't ready for that conversation.

***

Shauna, however, was more than ready to make Derek's life miserable.

It wasn't just about metaphorically waving her dick in his face anymore and bragging that hers was bigger. Shauna still wanted to prove, to Derek and to everyone else that she could have any girl she wanted.

Even one who was already taken.

You were quite the prize. If she could have, Shauna would've handed you a banner reading PROPERTY OF SHAUNA SHIPMAN . Since she seriously doubted you'd ever agree to anything like that, she decided she'd make her point another way.

She listened through Lottie's lecture about how she should convince you to leave Derek before trying anything else. Lottie insisted Shauna was only asking for trouble, but Shauna dismissed her with a careless wave of her hand.

Wrapping you around her little finger had been easy. You craved attention, and unlike that loser, Shauna was determined to give it to you.

Before, she'd at least tried to hide how shamelessly she ogled and groped you.

Now, whatever restraint she'd had was completely gone.

Shauna didn't seem particularly concerned about getting caught when the two of you met up after class at the frat house. It always started innocently enough. At first, she'd grab your ass and press slow kisses to your lips.

Halfway through one of those kisses, she frowned and trailed lower, brushing her lips against the hollow of your neck. Then she froze, a dissatisfied grunt slipping past her lips.

"What's wrong?" you asked, too distracted to focus on her irritation. As always, Shauna knew exactly where to touch you and where to brush her lips to make every coherent thought evaporate.

"You smell like his cologne," she muttered, pulling away.

You raised an eyebrow, your hands still resting on her shoulders. She was wearing nothing but a sleeveless shirt and that stupid baseball cap turned backward.

You shook your head, not understanding why it suddenly bothered her.

"He hugged me this morning, and…"

In one swift motion, Shauna shoved you back against the kitchen counter and started fumbling with your shorts. Several people had keys to the frat house, and you didn't even want to imagine what would happen if one of them walked in and spread the story around. Your reputation had already taken enough of a beating just from being seen with Shauna.

Just another slut for a few nights, people said.

Shauna tugged your shorts off and tossed them onto the floor. The kitchen counter was cold against your back, sending a shiver over your skin. Goosebumps rose along your legs as your gaze drifted down to Shauna, who just started tugging her length out of her pants. When she tugged her cock out, and with one hand started stroking herself to full hardness, the other one spread your pussy lips and leaning down, she spat on you.

You jolted, and weak moan escaped your lips at the feeling of her warm saliva trailing down your cunt.

”What are you…?”

Shauna only shook her head. Her cock was now fully erected so she reached for box of condoms in her pocket. Her gaze was locked on your cunt, which now she started rubbing and carefully spreading her spit all over your folds. She spat once again; this time pushing her saliva through your entrance. She only pushed her fingertips inside and your hips buckled invonturialry towards her, silently begging for more.

"Come on," she growled under her breath. "A little more, sweetheart. It'll hurt otherwise, and I know it's bigger than your boyfriend's pathetic little dick."

Shauna paid little attention to Nat, who stumbled across the two of you after coming back to the house half an hour later. Her hair was a mess, and she looked like she'd only just returned from a party. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she blinked several times as she stared at Shauna pumping steadily her penis inside you. She froze, looking at the scene in front of her. Then, she realised that might be weird despite you two fucking like bitches in the heat in the middle of the kitchen.

"Jesus fucking Christ,” she rubbed her face. ”I think I'm still high," she muttered. With a hint of uncertainty, she walked past the two of you, doing everything she could to ignore Shauna’s grunts and noises of squelching.

***

Shauna had started treating you like you were her girlfriend, paying little attention to the fact that you were, technically, still in a relationship. Your reputation had gone up in flames as the rumors spread like wildfire. People shot you strange looks, whispered behind your back, convinced you couldn't hear them.They called you a slut. Some were simply jealous. Just two weeks earlier, Shauna had been inviting some of them into her room. Now, all of her attention was focused on you.

Derek's friends, in particular, seemed to have it out for you, and you knew the rumors had already reached him.

Through it all, Shauna flaunted you like the newest trophy on her shelf. Of course, she would never outright call you her girlfriend, but the lack of a label didn't stop her from bringing you to every party and every event.

Shauna stood over you, lazily taking a drag out of her vape. She kept you tucked close against her side, one hand firmly resting on your hip. You couldn't help feeling a little awkward in the middle of a party where you knew maybe a handful of people. Every few minutes, someone new wandered over to greet Shauna. You knew she was popular, but not like.. this popular.

Your phone kept buzzing inside your purse.

Derek had been trying to reach you for over an hour, and from what you'd heard, he was now messaging his friends, trying to figure out where you were. Your heart beat faster at the thought of him barging in and starting a scene. Then again, a part of you wanted to see Derek finally get what was coming to him — to watch Shauna beat the hell out of him.

You knew you shouldn't be cheating on him. You knew no one deserved to be treated like this. But Derek was an asshole, and your frustration was beginning to spill over.

"So," someone laughed, "who'd you steal this angel from?"

Shauna grinned around another drag of her vape. She exchanged a greeting with some guy you'd never seen before.

"Honestly?" she snorted, pinching your ass. You jumped at the unexpected touch. Shauna always became more arrogant, and far more inappropriate, whenever there was an audience. And now she'd had a few drinks on top of that. "I don't even remember his name," she said with a laugh, "but it wasn't exactly a difficult job."

The guy nodded toward you.

"Guess she's easy," he chuckled.

Shauna stiffened. She caught the warning look you shot her, and the smile vanished from her face. She knew she was walking a fine line. Normally, she wouldn't have cared in the slightest, but her ego would never survive watching you go back to Derek.

"More like her boyfriend's a pathetic asshole," she shot back. The guy caught the implication immediately and quickly excused himself, mumbling something about going to find someone else. "Fucking idiot."

***

You used to go into the locker room only when the two of you could be alone. Now, Shauna mostly invited you there so she could rub it in her teammates' faces that she'd successfully caught a taken girl.

"There you are," Shauna grinned, wrapping herself around you like a snake.

She was drenched in sweat. You caught the scent of her deodorant and suddenly realized she was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and a sports bra.

The game had ended only a few minutes earlier, and the moment she'd gotten her phone back, Shauna had texted you, asking you to come to the locker room. You'd replied that it would be packed with people, but she'd only reminded you that other people hadn't seemed to bother you when she'd fucked you in the university library.

The locker room was full of other girls who had come either to congratulate their girlfriends or to shamelessly suck up to the players. A few guys lingered around as well, though they were definitely in the minority. The air was thick with deodorant and cigarette smoke.

"You've been avoiding me," Shauna murmured into your ear.

Her sticky hands quickly slipped beneath your shirt. Paying almost no attention to everyone around her, she began squeezing your breasts through your bra.

"People are starting to talk..." you mumbled, though you made no move to pull away.

Warm thumbs began circling over your nipples before Shauna slipped her fingers beneath the fabric of your bra. Her hands were a little rough, but they felt sogood.

"So?" she asked.

"So... I should break up with him before... you know." You gestured vaguely, and Shauna merely grunted.

"It's more fun this way." She gave your breasts another squeeze, making you clamp your jaw shut. You shifted uneasily in her arms, but she held you firmly in place. "I wouldn't get nearly as much enjoyment out of it if I could just sneak you off to fuck you in private."

"You're such an asshole," you huffed back.

You tried to pull away but she only tightened her grip.

"I'm kidding, Im kidding. Don't be so dramatic, baby." She tried to soothe you with a trail of kisses behind your ear. A sharp tug on your nipples made you let out a small whimper. A few people shot the two of you disgusted looks, but they were already used to Shauna's antics. Moments later, she was shamelessly groping you again, and your irritation melted away.

"We're getting pizza after the game. You coming with me?" Without waiting for an answer, Shauna deliberately brushed her hips against your ass.

Before you could reply, your attention was ripped away by Derek, who had just stormed into the locker room. His eyes locked onto Shauna's hands beneath your shirt. You winced, but Shauna didn't give you a chance to start explaining yourself to your boyfriend.

"I'll handle this," she sighed.

And she did.

By smashing Derek's eyebrow into one of the lockers hard enough to split it open, humiliating him in front of everyone.

Around her friends, especially Lottie, Shauna insisted she only kept you around because you had a great ass and because the thrill of almost getting caught, along with all the rumors and whispered gossip, excited her.

Yet that same evening, despite your explosive breakup with your now ex-boyfriend, she still took you out for pizza. She even paid for you without a second thought. Well, after Lottie quickly transferred her the money but still.

July 2007.

Nat cursed as she accidentally stepped straight into a puddle. Dirty water splashed all over her brand new pants. She shoved a cigarette between her lips and, with an irritated grunt, bent down to wipe away the grime. She wanted to look at least halfway decent that evening, to show Tai that she was doing well after rehab.

She straightened up and pulled the cigarette from her mouth. Smoking was the only thing she had left. She just hoped Taissa wouldn't give her grief over it. Nat could give up a lot of things, but not her pack a day, or at least that's what she kept telling herself. If Tai stood in front of her and said that the next step toward getting any information about you was quitting nicotine, Nat would do it without a second thought.

The last time she'd touched drugs had been twelve months ago. The last bottle of beer she'd drunk had been exactly a year ago. Ever since then, she'd drowned every craving in coffee and energy drinks. Her psychiatrist at the rehab facility always frowned at the amount of caffeine she consumed, but he'd probably decided that was a problem for another day.

Caffeine didn't turn Nat's brain to mush.

Her heart skipped a beat when she stopped in front of the diner Taissa had chosen as their meeting place. She flicked away the cigarette butt, crushed it beneath her boot, bounded up the steps in a few quick strides, and pushed through the door.

Most of the tables sat empty. From the sign on the door, Nat gathered the place would be closing in less than an hour. She scanned the room but didn't see Tai anywhere, so she slid into a booth in the corner. She ordered nothing but a glass of water, which the waitress brought over almost immediately, her expression as gloomy as the weather. Without a word, she set the glass down and returned behind the counter to wipe it clean.

Nat checked her phone to make sure she hadn't missed a message from her friend before slipping it back into her jacket pocket. She took a sip of water and stared out the window.

As always, her thoughts drifted to you.

She wondered whether you'd already made it home and curled up beneath a blanket after a long day, or if you were still at work. Nat would've given anything to be with you right then. She would've tried harder. She would've done so much more to ease your burden.

She swallowed against the acid that climbed into her throat as memories of the last time she'd seen you resurfaced.

That day replayed in her mind without pause, always leaving a crushing ache in her chest. Nat had come to think of it as a form of penance for everything she'd done to you, and everything she'd failed to do.

She'd stumbled into your apartment just before dawn, walking right past the cabinet where a neat stack of unopened envelopes lay waiting. Every single one was a final payment notice. Soon the water or electricity would've been cut off. There would've been enough money to cover the bills if Nat hadn't spent every last cent on drugs and booze in bars. She stole cash from your wallet, then wandered the streets shoulder to shoulder with Travis, nursing drinks and snorting cocaine. She didn't care that you were working yourself to the bone just to keep food on the table and the lights on, while she'd long since given up on getting a job.

There hadn't been any real intimacy between you for a solid two years. Nat only wanted you when she came home drunk and high. She'd collapse on top of you, reeking of alcohol and weed until the smell alone made you sick. You'd never gotten used to it, no matter how many years had passed. She'd kiss you from head to toe, slurring about how beautiful and wonderful you were only to call you a selfish bitch the moment you turned her down.

Guilt twisted in her stomach. Even knowing she was starting from a losing position, she intended to try again.

Nat hated that she'd realized far too late that she'd lost you for good. You'd told her to get out and thrown the backpack you'd already packed for her. At first she'd burned with anger and frustration, convincing herself she hated you for leaving her like everyone else had. Shed told Travis you could go fuck yourself, that she didn't need you, swallowing pill after pill. But even through the haze of drugs and alcohol, the truth hit her a week later.

It had taken days, but Taissa had finally gotten what she'd wanted and sent Nat to a locked rehabilitation facility for a year.

Nat had left two weeks ago. She'd landed some shitty job at a gas station, but it was enough to rent a room at a motel for now, afford dinner, and save a little toward getting an apartment.

"I expected you to look a lot worse."

Nat turned toward Tai and flashed her a crooked grin.

"You wish," she muttered.

Taissa snorted with laughter and slid into the booth across from her. Folding her hands on the table, she studied Nat carefully.

"It's a good thing you quit before the drugs ruined that pretty face."

Nat smiled again.

Just then, the waitress came over to ask if they needed anything else, informing them in a bored tone that the diner would be closing in forty minutes. Silence settled between them once she walked away. The place grew emptier by the minute. Nat could hear nothing but the muffled hum of traffic outside and the quiet radio playing in the background.

She knew she should thank Tai for everything; for sending her to rehab, paying for it all, letting her stay at her apartment those first few nights after you'd thrown her out on her ass.

Nat didn't resent you anymore. All that remained was longing, regret, and disgust with herself.

She lifted her gaze from her glass and looked Taissa in the eye. The words barely made it past her throat.

"Tai..."

"Oh, stop." Taissa waved it off, reaching across the table to take her hand. She glanced around before lowering her voice to a whisper. "You saved our lives. I was just returning the favor."

Nat's throat tightened, her eyes stinging. Her fingers curled instinctively around Taissa's hand. She clenched her jaw to keep the tears from falling. After a long moment, she let out a slow breath.

She decided to change the subject and ask the question she'd been pestering Tai with for the past year.

"And how is doing…"

"Nat," Taissa cut in immediately.

Her heart lurched unpleasantly.

Nat knew that tone all too well. Ever since the two of you had broken up, Tai had refused to tell her anything about you. She always insisted it was for Nat's own good, that she needed to focus on herself.

"You know perfectly well that…"

"You've talked to her." Nat shifted in her seat. Bitterness dripped from her voice, impossible to hide. "Did she tell you not to tell me anything? Does she want to cut me out of her life?"

She swallowed hard, suddenly unsure whether she really wanted the answer.

Up until now, her only goal had been finding her way back to you. She kept telling everyone that her sobriety and getting her life together came first, but everything she'd done had really been driven by the hope of fixing what the two of you had lost.

"What?" Taissa stared at her in genuine confusion, and the tension drained from Nat's shoulders. "No. We barely talked about you. She's... been through too much."

Nat frowned, not entirely understanding.

"I didn't want to reopen old wounds," Taissa finished quickly.

Nat wasn't sure she believed that version of events, but she decided not to press the issue.

"Do you have her number?" she asked instead. Her leg bounced beneath the table.

"Nat. Absolutely not."

"Oh, cut the bullshit and give me something," Nat snapped, her voice losing its warmth. "I just want to talk to her. I don't understand what your problem is."

The waitress cleared her throat, shooting them a warning glance, and Nat drew a deep breath to calm herself.

"It's a bad idea."

"Why?" Nat refused to back down.

A strange expression crossed Taissa's face. She seemed to wrestle with herself before answering.

"Because she has a girlfriend, Nat."

Nat let go of her glass and folded her hands in her lap. Her fingers began twisting together anxiously.

She'd considered the possibility. She'd thought about it countless times while she was in rehab—that you might already be with someone else. But some foolish part of her had believed you'd give her one more chance if she asked.

For one brief moment, anger flared.

How could you move on so quickly from someone you'd been with for years? How could you be with someone who hadn't been out there in the wilderness, who hadn't survived everything the two of you had?

Just as quickly, Nat realized she was slipping back into selfishness.

Maybe your new partner was simply a better person. Maybe, for the first time in years, you could finally breathe without being tied to someone drowning in trauma and addiction.

Taissa watched her carefully, as if she wasn't sure what to expect.

An outburst? Tears?

Nat only nodded, even as her fingertips bled beneath the table where her nails dug into her skin.

"I still want to talk to her," she said much more quietly. "I miss her. Even if she tells me to fuck off."

Tai looked at her with such aching pity that Nat couldn't bear it. She dropped her gaze to her glass.

She didn't know what to think. She had no idea how to swallow the thought of you with someone else, but deep down, she knew you deserved someone better. For now, she'd settle for talking to you if only to apologize for everything.

She hated the traitorous hope buried in the back of her mind that the moment you saw her, you'd throw yourself into her arms.

Taissa shifted in her seat and sighed.

"She has the late shift tomorrow at that bar near the park."

Natalie knew exactly which one.

She'd spent far too much time there herself.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Tai simply nodded.

***

Nat sat on the sidewalk across the street for a long time, staring at the bar's sign and chain smoking cigarettes. People came and went. Every few moments the doors swallowed whole groups of patrons, only to spit them back out later, drunk and stumbling onto the sidewalk.

Long months of therapy had all led to this very moment, yet Nat couldn't bring herself to walk inside. She wasn't entirely sure what frightened her more; the thought of your icy stare and possible rejection, or simply being inside a bar after rehab.

She forced herself to get her pathetic ass off the curb and dragged herself toward the entrance.

The air inside was stifling. The place reeked of sweaty bodies, cigarette smoke, and alcohol. On a Saturday night, the bar was packed wall to wall. Nat felt almost intoxicated from breathing in the suffocating mixture of smells alone. Her head spun, and for a moment she wanted to turn around and run.

Instead, she steeled herself. Doing her best to ignore the clinking bottles filled with liquor, she pushed through the crowd toward the bar, muttering apologies under her breath every time she bumped into someone.

Finally, she made it through and gripped the edge of the counter. Her heart pounding, she scanned the bartenders bustling behind it.

You weren't there.

The pounding bass made her headache worse with every passing second. She brushed off several drunken idiots who tried to flirt with her and, fingers tightening around the countertop, kept searching for you.

Until, finally, there you were.

At first, you didn't notice her, which gave Nat the chance to simply look at you.She froze. You'd barely changed.

You were still breathtaking, despite the exhaustion and irritation written all over your face. You wore a dark bartender's uniform, and suddenly Nat felt exactly the way she had the first time the two of you had skipped class together and shared a joint.

The world stopped the moment Nat realized you were looking back at her.

Shock made you sway on your feet before they carried you straight toward her. Nat paled as she watched every ounce of irritation on your face find a new target, which was her.

No, it wasn't irritation. It was fury.

Before Nat could think of anything remotely sensible to say, something she probably should've prepared beforehand, for fuck's sake—you were already leaning over the bar toward her in disbelief.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" you growled.

Nat stood rooted to the spot at the sound of your voice.

She still remembered how gentle it had sounded back in your cabin after nightfall, when she'd peel off that ridiculous Antler Queen costume. You'd wrap yourself around her, kissing the back of her neck until Nat fell asleep in your arms.

"Did you hear me?"

Nat nodded like a complete idiot.

The whole time she'd been staring far too intently at your lips. Finally, she forced herself to meet your eyes and noticed something beneath the anger. Tension.

Then it hit her. Not all of your anger came from the fact that she'd shown up to see you. Part of it came from thinking she'd come back to get drunk again.

"Yeah, listen... fuck..." she cursed quietly, scrambling for the right words. She knew it was only a matter of time before you'd tell her to leave you alone and walk away.

"Scatorccio, holy shit. Haven't seen you around here in ages..."

Another woman, probably another bartender, stepped out from the back room and flashed Nat a grin. Then her gaze shifted to you, and realization dawned on her face. "Oh… right. Maybe you two should go talk. I'll cover everything."

Nat's urge to smack her vanished instantly.

"Yeah. Sure." You shot the other bartender a look, and Nat hurried to explain. "I'm not drunk. I'm not going to be, I promise. I only came to talk to you."

Your expression softened. Only slightly, but even that tiny change flooded Nat with relief.

You untied your apron and motioned for her to follow. Nat hurried after you as though you were about to disappear forever. You led her outside through the employees' exit.

The cool air was a blessing. Nat could breathe again.

Gravel crunched beneath your shoes, and when she turned around, you were leaning against the wall, staring at her like she was something strange, something you didn't quite know how to handle. In her mind, Nat thought she deserved far worse. She took a hesitant step toward you.

For several long minutes, the two of you simply looked at one another.

Nat wanted to kiss every inch of your skin. Then fall to her knees and beg for your forgiveness until sunrise, even knowing she didn't deserve it.

"You look beautiful," she murmured.

Your lips pressed into a thin line.

"So where the fuck have you been?" You sighed, ignoring the compliment.

The question caught her completely off guard.

"What?" She shook her head. "Rehab. Tai didn't tell you...?"

"Rehab," you repeated skeptically.

Nat nodded slowly. You had every right not to believe her, but it still hurt. Once upon a time, you wouldn't have hesitated. Once upon a time, you trusted her.

"For a year," she confirmed. "I haven't touched drugs or alcohol in a year."

Silence settled between you.

Nat couldn't stop looking at you. Your eyes, meanwhile, wandered everywhere except her face, never lingering on her for more than a heartbeat.She still couldn't tell whether you believed her, but she tried again.

"I know you're with someone," she began quietly. "I know you probably don't even want to see me, and I wasted years of your life. I don't even..." She swallowed. "I don't even dare hope for forgiveness. I'm not here to ask you to take me back."

She paused, trying to read your expression.

Something had changed. She just couldn't tell what. It wouldn't have surprised her if you'd ignored her completely and gone right back to work.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," she continued, her voice less certain now. "To talk. And to apologize for everything. I can't undo any of it... but you never deserved to be treated the way I treated you. Especially after everything we'd survived together. I never wanted to become my father, but somehow i did."

The last words were barely louder than a whisper.

"You're not like your father," you whispered without looking at her.

"Baby..."

You shook your head. Panic shot through Nat, thinking she'd ruined everything. Then she saw the tears gathering in your eyes, and something inside her broke.

But you kept talking.

"I tried so hard to hate you and you treated me like shit. You were acting ike an asshole. Even worse. You treated me like I was nothing for over a year, and like a complete idiot, I kept trying to help you."

Nat opened her mouth to apologize again.

You raised a hand, stopping her. You wiped away your tears, staring at the pavement as a shaky breath escaped your lips.

"And then every morning I'd wake up looking for you on the other side of the bed... even though we barely slept together anymore by the time we were still dating. And I'd cry into my pillow like a child, because you weren't there. Because my Nat wasn't there anymore. The one who would've done anything for me back when the plane crashed and we were stranded in the middle of nowhere.” You looked up.

Nat's knees nearly gave out beneath her. You started crying harder despite desperately trying not to.

"You destroyed everything. And now you show up here looking like..." You shoved her lightly in the chest. "Like you're perfect again. All that fucking... hatred I'd forced myself to feel just to survive is gone. And that's all your fault."

Tears streamed down your cheeks.

Nat didn't know whether she should turn around and leave.

Then she realized she'd abandoned you far too many times already to do it again.Even if it ended with you slapping her across the face. Even if you shoved her away.

She opened her arms and pulled you into them.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," she whispered into your hair. "I'm so, so sorry you had to go through all of that." Her voice cracked as apology after apology tumbled from her lips.

She let you cry. She let you bury yourself in her chest. She let you hurl every cruel insult you could think of at her. She let you tell her exactly how badly she'd failed you, and not once did she interrupt to defend herself or offer an excuse.

You could've stood there all night listing every single thing she'd ever done that had shattered your heart and Nat would've kept holding you just as tightly.

"I needed you so much," you sobbed. Nat's heart broke all over again. "I missed you so much."

In that moment, Nat realized that not even the hell she'd dragged you through had been enough to erase everything you'd shared. You were hurting. You had every reason to, but you still knew that no one else in the world would ever understand you the way Nat did.

And Nat knew she wouldn’t go to a fucking rehab for anyone else.

"I love you so much," she repeated over and over. She didn't even notice when she'd started pressing soft kisses against your hair, your forehead, your cheeks, the bridge of your nose. "I fucked everything up, but I love you so much."

"Don't ever do this again..." you sobbed. "I won't survive another time."

She kissed you. It was less a kiss than the gentlest brush of lips, not the desperate reunion of two lovers who'd been apart for years.

Dark eyes watched your face uncertainly. You could never quite make sense of the feelings those innocent brown eyes stirred inside you. Sometimes you silently thanked whatever force was out there that they weren't light blue. Other times, you wished they had never existed at all so they could never look at you.

A trembling breath slipped past your lips, instantly turning into mist. Tiny eyes followed the little cloud with fascinated curiosity as it dissolved into the freezing air. Little Jack parted his lips in something that looked remarkably like wonder. It was one of the rare moments when he wasn't crying from the cold or from hunger. He was perfectly calm, utterly absorbed by the world around him.

Unfortunately for him, Jack wasn't a normal child.

Normal children weren't born in the middle of nowhere, fighting for survival every single day.

Jack had won the world's cruelest lottery. It crossed your mind that he'd been cheated just as thoroughly as you had, so maybe that was something the two of you still shared besides your feelings for Shauna.

You pulled your fingerless gloves tighter around your hands. The cold cut straight through you. Winter never ended. Just when it seemed like the weather might finally warm up, snow would begin falling again the very next day. Reaching into the handmade cradle, you carefully tucked another blanket around Jack. If you felt frozen to the bone, you didn't even want to imagine what Jack was feeling. He had left the warmth of his mother's womb only to end up here.

"It's a little easier back in Wiskayok," you rasped.

Jack went completely still, hanging on every word. The boy adored the sound of your voice, which made very little sense. You hadn't spoken to Shauna while she was pregnant, not once. No words had been able to make it past your throat.

Jack, however, didn't seem to mind.

And that was the problem.

When the truth had come out that night, you'd decided you wanted nothing more to do with Shauna. You couldn't understand how she could spit in your face so easily, throw nearly a year of your relationship (and years of friendship!) into the trash.

For a few nights with Jackie's boyfriend.

You'd promised yourself you would never speak to her again, and at first you'd done a pretty good job of it. You avoided her like the plague, ignored every attempt she made to talk to you. There was nothing to explain. Shauna was a traitor, and there was no excuse for it. Had she really been stupid enough to get pregnant by him?

The mere thought of them together made your stomach turn.

First she'd fucked him while she was drunk, and afterward she'd kissed every inch of your face.

You'd believed her like a complete idiot.

Then Jackie died. Shauna's belly grew larger with every passing day, and there was nothing you could do anymore. You cursed yourself for still caring about her. You couldn't bear the grief carved across her face. You kept telling yourself she deserved to be alone, but every time you looked in her direction, it felt like someone was ripping your heart straight out of your chest.

It had started with slipping her extra scraps of meat.

It ended with sharing a sleeping bag again just to keep her warm.

And now she'd asked you, in a trembling voice, to watch Jack.

You still slept close enough to them in case the little boy started crying during the night. Shauna herself looked like she was moments away from collapsing from exhaustion, so you helped her.

You stayed with Jack while she rested. You rocked him to sleep. You distracted him whenever he cried from hunger.

You couldn't leave Shauna to fend for herself.

Even though she'd had no trouble leaving you for someone else.

Every day, questions and accusations crowded at the back of your throat. You wanted to ask why she'd done it. Had you not been enough? Why hadn't she just broken up with you? And did she even realize what an unbelievable asshole she'd been that you wanted to slap her across the face?

You bit your tongue.

Something in the back of your mind kept telling you Shauna was already drowning in guilt. Maybe one day the two of you would grow up enough to talk about it. But neither of you had the strength for that yet.

Jack was more important.

"I hope you end up with dark hair," you snorted, making the little boy squirm. "Otherwise we're going to have to dye it."

With every passing day, you realized you were becoming more attached to Jack. You'd never stopped loving Shauna, which made it painfully difficult to let go of the future you'd once imagined building a family together.

You flinched sharply when icy hands wrapped themselves around your shoulders.

Shauna rarely touched you unless she had to. Sometimes, from the corner of your eye, you caught her physically stopping herself from clinging to you, from burying herself against you the way she used to.

On one hand, you could still picture her with Jeff as vividly as if it had happened yesterday. On the other, you wanted to abandon every intrusive thought.

The two of you could end up like Jackie at any moment a pile of bones buried six feet under frozen ground.

Was there really any point in holding onto your resentment? You couldn't answer that question,.

For now, Jack's eyes sparkled in the firelight as he looked up at his mother.

"Thank you," Shauna whispered, leaning a little closer, sending a shiver through your body. For a split second you had to fight the urge to jump to your feet and retreat to the far corner of the cabin. Then you realized you simply didn't have the energy to wage another war tonight. "For watching him."

She stepped back, and you finally let out the breath you'd been holding.

"It's nothing," you mumbled.

You found yourself wondering how much she'd actually overheard of everything you'd been saying to Jack. Maybe you ought to be more careful about who was nearby.

Jack started fussing the moment he saw his mother. Shauna gathered him into her arms and held him against her chest. He settled almost instantly, mumbling softly under his breath.

A long silence settled between you, broken only by the crackling fire.

You relaxed as you watched Jack until Shauna suddenly asked:

"So... you don't want him to be blond?"

She smiled only when she looked down at the little boy.

Fuck.

You could have come up with a thousand excuses. You could have run out the door and ended the conversation.

For reasons you couldn't explain you stayed.

"He'd look like Jeff," you said with a shrug.

Shauna hummed in understanding.

"I'd rather think he'd look like Jackie."

A heavy silence settled over both of you before you finally spoke.

"Would you?"

Shauna thought about it again.

It would be different if he'd inherited her hair color too.

"What else do I have left of her?"

You shook your head.

Shauna's eyes turned glassy. Her shoulders sagged as though some invisible weight had suddenly settled upon them. Jack must have sensed it, because he let out a louder little whine in protest.

"You still have me," you said quietly. Even the calmness in your own voice sounded foreign.

You didn't know when you'd reached for her hand or when her frozen, rough fingers had slipped into yours.

"I'm not keeping you close because you remind me of Jackie."

Lulled to sleep by quiet whispers, Jack closed his eyes, asleep against his mother's chest with his tiny fingers curled tightly around her sweatshirt. He clung to Shauna with all his strength.

You did everything you could to keep your eyes on him, because you knew Shauna's face had done the one thing you hated more than anything else in the world.

It had softened.

And it might as well have struck you over the head with an axe.

She wore that same expression every time she thought you weren't looking. Something that looked far too much like love.

You realized you couldn't do this.

You tore your hand free from hers. The chair scraped loudly across the floor as you shot to your feet, your legs carrying you up to the attic before you even realized you were moving.

***

Shauna watched you that evening like a martyr, which only fueled your frustration.Neither of you spoke after that strange conversation until it was time to sleep, and once again you found yourself playing the role of a parent.

"Stop," you muttered under your breath.

Jack had finally fallen asleep after two straight hours of crying. You clenched your jaw so tightly it hurt, knowing his little stomach ached with hunger, and there was almost nothing you could do about it.

"You're acting like an asshole," Shauna shot back just as quietly. Her eyes never left Jack.

His sleep was a luxury. Shauna herself had barely slept since he'd been born. She watched over him constantly, terrified she'd wake one morning to find his tiny chest no longer rising.

Shauna was afraid her son would starve to death.

She leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. You didn't even look at her, but you knew she was right.

Part of you wanted to whirl around and snap that you weren't the biggest asshole in the room, but no words came.How could you scream at a mother who was already suffering?

"I'm sorry," you sighed at last. Shauna flinched at the sound of your voice. "It's just..."

I'm hurt. I'm starving. I'm losing my mind. I care about Jack, even though I know he isn't my biological son, and I'm terrified something will happen to him, and...

"I know," she said before you could finish. Silence settled between you. You turned toward her and finally dared to step closer, moving carefully so you wouldn't wake the little boy. You lowered yourself onto the bedding beside her.

"He calls you dada," Shauna said suddenly. For a moment, you thought you'd misheard her. "At first I had no idea what he meant. Then I saw him reaching for you with his little hands, saying, dada"

You said nothing, staring at the sleeping child. Your fingers found Shauna's on their own, intertwining with hers.They were cold despite the gloves. Shauna held her breath before slowly letting it go.

"I don't know who gave him that idea," she continued.

You let her move closer until she rested her head on your shoulder. You blamed it on exhaustion but deep down, though, you knew you'd let her wrap you around her finger without much resistance.

"Does it bother you?" you asked.

Shauna's fingers tightened around your hand as though she hadn't expected you to speak.

"No," she answered almost immediately.

"Does it bother you?"

You shook your head.

"I was stupid for believing it could ever be anyone but you," she murmured.

Jack let out a sleepy little sigh, and both of you froze. He only shifted slightly before drifting back into a deeper sleep.

You didn't even realize when you'd lifted your arm to let Shauna nestle beneath it. Absentmindedly, you pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and Shauna couldn't stop herself from brushing her chapped lips across your knuckles in return.