Toast to the Douchebags

So yesterday I had a day off and I pretty much just spend that whole day drinking with Chandler. We went around to a couple restaurants and just talked and drank for hours. I was having a really great time and I was cute as fuck and it was just a great day off.

Until we got into a discussion on certain words. I can’t actually remember how it all came about but somehow it turned into some “debate” where he said he agreed with everything I said and I should know how he really feels and thinks but he just wanted to play devils advocate. To him the conversation was about words that transitioned into slurs and then I made it personal. At this point I’m confused. Can’t he see that since the beginning of the conversation it was all personal for me? Instead of just having a conversation with he decided he wanted to fight with me and then would kind of tell me to calm down and it just made me feel like this angry black woman. So after I left him I just knew I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to talk about what happened with someone and of course there was only one person I could think of.

I contacted Reese. I was crying so I pulled over in a church parking lot and text him that I wanted to see him. So we met up and he kind of talked me down. We bar hopped a little and just got to talk about everything. I got tondiscuss a couple things that had bothered me a little like when we saw each other at a mutual friends party the girl told me she was gonna fuck him. He informed me that she was trying to start stuff all night with us and just wanted to create mess. It made me feel good that we didn’t fall into the trap she was trying to lay out for us and it just felt good to talk about it. At the time the breakup was still so fresh for us both and we weren’t really prepared to see the other person. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and just hugged me for a long time. Told me that he was scared that he may have let too much time pass and that he may have lost me for good. He may not have me like the way he used to and even though sometimes I imagine strangling him I don’t think he’s lost me just yet. Also it’s crazy that I hadn’t even considered asking myself until my ex asked me if Chandler is making me happy. I thought about it and I gave my honest answer:

Remember my Christmas present to myself? Really good dick that was screaming black lives matter? Yeah well it turns out my other present from him didn’t show up for another 4 to 6 weeks. That’s right y’all I unknowingly gifted myself with mono. I was out for a full month and almost died. You think I’m kidding but I’m sparing y’all from all the gory details because I love y’all so much. I was with Chandler the weekend it hit me. The last night I was with him he said my breathing was so shallow that he thought about calling ambulance. I ended up getting up and sleeping on the couch because I didn’t wanna wake him up with all my tossing and turning. I didn’t see him for like a month but he checked on me everyday. Checking to see if I needed anything and trying to keep me from going insane because I was basically locked in my apartment the entire time. I was a little worried that because I was sick for such a long time that he would lose interest in me and kind of move on but apparently he missed me so much that he was scared to tell me because he thought I might not miss him as much. I thought that was cute. I did miss him though.

So I’ve been seeing this guy Chandler since about the first couple weeks in January. We met on Bumble and talked for about a week or so until we finally decided it was either time to nut up or shut up. He looked really cute in his pictures but of course that worry is always there until you actually meet that person in real life if it’ll all match up. It did! It sooooo did. Way more attractive in person than in his pictures even.

Our first date lasted about 20 hours. We went out for drinks at a couple places and then finally back to his place where we drank even more. Slept over at his place and then went out for breakfast and then BACK to his place to just lay around and watch tv. By the time I left I believe we had sex about sex times. Six organs in under 24 hours? My vagina was tired. Happy but tired.

I was thrown off a little when he told me he was still technically married. He is currently separated and his wife lives a couple states away. I didn’t pry too much because I realized we just met and the separation was recent and I didn’t want to poke at the wound just yet. I’ll just wait til it scabs over and then go pick at it. Healthier that way, right? Oh and he has an 8 month old. I was not aware of any of this til 4 beers in though. Honestly his only downfall is that he has an air mattress. I’m not there every night but ya girls got bad hips and won’t be able to do this for long. I’m just moving into my place and I just need time to get it together and then all sleepovers will be at my place and he’ll just have to deal!

See you noticed I tried to dodge whatever was about to happen and the shit happened anyway.

So of course the universe heard this and sent this beauty over my way

So with pretty much living at work the past couple months I just really needed to go out with some friends and just get really drunk. So the weekend right before Christmas my friends had just got home for the holidays and they wanted to go out so I made them drive me around so I could get lit. It was their Christmas present to me. My present to myself was some good dick.

I'm drunk and in the line at Cookout about to go home and I ended up matching with a guy on Tinder. We talked for a while and I decided I wanted him to come over. He gets there and we are just shooting the shit about nothing. He finally makes a move and now its on and poppin

So things are moving along nicely. I'm on top getting the ride of my life and then he decides he wants to dirty talk. Lets rephrase, he decided to talk. I shit you not he starts yelling out, "Yeah black lives matter don't they? Uh huh! Yeah yeah, fucking that black life. BLACK LIVES MATTER!"

Y'ALL I LOST MY MIND!! I was trying to find the point where this thought had crossed his mind and he was like yeah I should totally say this out loud in a weird sexy voice. Now I must say he was a black man so I wasn't immediately turned the fuck off by this but I did ask him to leave right after I finished. It reminded me that good dick is still out there and gave me a truly amusing story to tell. Seriously maybe one of the wildest things that has ever happened to me during sex and with the new year i'm sure I'll have even more stories to share.

With the wonderful help of Tinder I was able to meet Jason. We talked for about a day til I got bored enough to set up a meeting. He has renovated his house to where it's more recording studio than an actual living space. We chilled in the stude for a while drinking wine and getting to know each other a little better. I get drunk and of course we start to make out and everything made me feel very Issa but let me tell ya, he was no Daniel. We didn't end up having sex but we fooled around enough to make me realize that I was moving too fast. So I got my friend to call me to give me kind of a bail out cause I was literally crying on this dude. He didn't notice but I was seconds away from dry heaving all over this dude.

I make my return to his place a week later feeling more confident in myself and eventually more confident that I will never see this dude again. All of his touching was way too intimate for me.

How intimate? Thanks for asking let me tell you!

When I first got there I went straight to his bedroom because I didn't have time for games. I wanted to get it in and then get out because I had an early work day. He grabs both sides of my face and tries to give me this slow deep kiss and the brings my head down to give me an even longer kiss on the forehead. I'm cringing through all of this. We start to get things going and I'm feeling more in the moment until he goes to take his shirt off in the mirror and doesn't break eye contact with himself in the mirror. That's right y'all he has a mirror mounted above his bed. How I missed this I have no idea. He then goes in for another forehead kiss. STOP THIS! Third time was the charm though when he was literally inside of me and went to do it again and I dodged him and told him to stop it. His "dirty talk" was just the worst like please be quiet. He then tried to take my hair out of it's holder so he could grab it. I'm like dude just pull on the ponytail but you will not just rip out in whatever way you see fit. After we finish he goes to take a shower which honestly just weirded me out. Why do you need to shower right after? This has never happened. So I'm fully clothed waiting for him to get out because I didn't just want to dip out without him knowing. I'm laying on his bed on Tinder cause I was completely over it. He keeps me trapped for a while and I'm just trying to get home to my own bed. I eventually make my escape and vowed to never hit him up again for mildly mediocre sex.

So after Reese and I broke up I kind of threw myself back into the dating pool without a hesitation of drowning. I got back on Tinder and matched with a man we'll call Alex. I mean that may even be his name I just literally can't remember. I went over his place and as we all know apartment complexes are kind of hard to navigate so I called him for directions. As soon as I called him my roommate called me and she hardly ever calls me so I told him to hold on while I answered the call. It maybe lasted less than a minute but he hung up. So I go to call him back and I find him and everything is fine. As soon as we step into his apartment my phone rang again. I didn't answer it because I didn't recognize the number. He seemed kind of irritated mentioning something about my roommate trying to save me or something. Why would I need saving? Do I need to be saved right now? I maybe stayed all of ten minutes. The kissing was whack and his place was a mess. He then made another comment about how my phone kept dinging and going off and I was just looking for a way out. Well maybe desperate to leave before but I sure as hell was then. I mumbled some sort of goodbye and made my way out.

Now when I get back to the car I see that the called I ignored had left me a voicemail. I went to check and I shit you not it was him. I know this because I can hear us talking in the background. He had somehow butt dialed me and left about a two minute message of us just talking. I sit there and I laugh because he got mad that someone was calling me and it was his dumbass the whole time.

I stopped updating because I didn't really stay active on my dating profiles while I was in a relationship with Reese. I figured y'all didn't really want to hear from someone in a relationship so I just kind of let this go for a while and honestly I missed it. It gave me kind of an outlet. Well I'm back and single. That's right it lasted a whole 4 months. Or according to him 8 but I don't want to even touch that conversation. It ended back on Halloween because he decided to wander outside the bounds of our agreed upon boundaries. Which honestly is just the nicest way to say he cheated. I won't get into all the gritty details because I mean at this point I believed I've moved on. I wasn't in love with him. I was just actually starting to like him but there was a timeline on the relationship but I didn't think it would be over so quickly. I gave it a year tops. He gave it until he was bored.

So now I'm back out here being mean to men. Well that's how my friend put it for me but with the experience I got from Reese I am now mean with a purpose. Live and learn.