She had been doing a lot of thinking lately, clinging to the hope that they would never let their differences win. She wanted to believe that whenever she randomly popped into his head, it didn’t bring him down. She hoped it felt peaceful for him—like a quiet kind of grace. Because to her, that was exactly what love was supposed to feel like.

While having her coffee that morning, her thoughts drifted right back to him. She found herself hoping that whenever he took that first sip of his own morning coffee, it gave him the same kind of comfort her voice used to give him when he missed her, or when he was just stressed out. She wanted him to always find that kind of gentleness in his life. Honestly, the hardest part for her was accepting that she couldn’t be the one giving it to him anymore.

He probably didn't know it, but she still prayed for him every single night. She always caught herself wishing that he would get showered with an insane amount of love—even more than what she had given him. But at the end of the day, she just wanted him to remember that her love was still a safe place for him to land. If he ever needed it, her hands were always empty, just waiting for him to hold.

Even when timing completely sucked and felt like it was working against them, knowing he loved her had always been enough to make her feel safe. She was still trying to figure out her life and find the pieces of herself that went missing, but she knew love definitely wasn't one of them. She had realized lately that learning to love herself actually meant she had more than enough love for him, too.

Anyone who knew her well knew she had always been obsessed with the sky. To her, it was just so incredibly huge. She liked to think that because it covered everything, it could carry her prayers to exactly where he was. Sometimes the world made her feel wrong for believing in them, almost like she was a sinner for it, but she just brushed it off. She still believed God was good. People always said everyone deserves to be happy, but she thought real love was supposed to bring a person so much more than just "happy."

She always admitted that her writing was a total mess. She didn't do outlines or scripts. Her mind was just way too loud and free to be forced into a neat little box, and at the end of the day, she believed it was her space to say whatever she felt was right.

Have you ever really thought about the Edelweiss flower?

I was looking at some pictures of them the other day, and honestly, they really struck a chord with me. They grow way up high in the mountains, surviving freezing temperatures, harsh winds, and thin air. They aren't the brightest or the most vibrant flowers. They’re pale, a bit fuzzy, and they have this beautiful, slightly melancholic reputation of being "everlasting." Even when they are picked, they don't really wilt or change; they just kind of pause.

Lately, as a woman just trying to navigate adulthood, I’ve been feeling a lot like that little mountain flower.

There are days when I wake up, go through my routines, and if I’m being completely honest with myself... I'm not precisely alive though. It's a strange, floating sensation. I'm not sad, and I'm not broken—I'm just sort of suspended in time. I'm just existing, quietly enduring whatever the altitude of life throws at me.

Sometimes, just being present and holding your ground is its own quiet victory.

But here is the beautiful paradox: I am actually quite happy.

It’s a weird feeling to explain to people. Even with that detached, floating sensation, I look around and realize how incredibly lucky I am. I have the warmest, most genuine people in my corner. My friends and the people I love are like the solid ground beneath that high-altitude rock. They keep me tethered when my mind feels like drifting away.

And life itself? It is actually getting better. It’s unfolding slowly, but in a really, really good direction. The rough patches are smoothing out, the heavy days are getting lighter, and the air feels a lot easier to breathe lately.

The takeaway: Maybe I don't feel like a vibrant, sun-chasing sunflower right now.

The reality: Maybe I don't feel 100% "alive" in that loud, energetic, movie-character sort of way.

Here is a fun fact about me: I am a huge cat person. I have always had a soft spot for cats, no matter what breed they are or where they come from. I love fluffy British Shorthairs, elegant Persian cats, and even ordinary street cats that I accidentally meet outside my house.

Some of my cats were not planned at all. I simply found them wandering around outside, looking hungry, confused, or needing a safe place to stay. Of course, I could not just leave them there. I brought them home, gave them food, and eventually treated them like part of my family. That is probably one of the reasons why I believe every cat deserves love, whether it is an expensive purebred cat or a small stray cat with no home.

One of my biggest dreams is to have an Ashera cat someday. They look so majestic, exotic, and almost like a small wild cat. Their unique appearance makes them completely different from the cats I usually see. I know owning one would come with a lot of responsibilities, but the idea of having such a beautiful and unusual cat is still exciting to me.

I also dream about having my own place for cats in the future. I imagine a large, comfortable space where different cats can live safely and receive proper care. It could be a responsible cat-breeding place, but I would also love to make room for rescued and abandoned cats. I want them to have enough space to play, climb, sleep, and enjoy their lives without feeling afraid or neglected.

My dream home would probably be full of cats with completely different personalities. There would be a calm British Shorthair sleeping on the sofa, a fluffy Persian acting like royalty, an Ashera walking around like the owner of the house, and several rescued street cats running everywhere. It might be noisy, messy, and full of cat hair, but honestly, that sounds like happiness to me.

Cats are not the only animals I want to have, though. One day, I also want to have a Corgi. Their short legs, fluffy bodies, and cheerful expressions are impossible to resist. I can already imagine my future Corgi trying to play with all the cats while the cats stare at it with annoyed faces.

It feels a little strange to be writing again after such a long break. The past two months have been incredibly hectic, exhausting, and somehow still very exciting. So much happened in such a short time that I barely had the energy to sit down and process any of it, let alone turn it into words.

Last May, I attended the wedding of my first love.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I went to the wedding of the person who once held such a huge place in my heart. Seeing him there, looking genuinely happy beside his partner, was both beautiful and overwhelming. They had a traditional Balinese megayot wedding ceremony, and everything looked incredibly magical.

What surprised me the most was seeing his parents and extended family again. They still remembered me, and they welcomed me so warmly. It felt comforting, but also a little bittersweet. There was something strange about being surrounded by people who once knew me as someone important in his life, while now I was simply a guest watching from a distance.

Gusti Agung looked so happy.

Even though he occasionally saw me from afar, he still had to focus on all the beautiful traditional rituals taking place around him. Watching the ceremony brought back dreams I used to have. I once imagined myself getting married in a Balinese traditional ceremony, wearing a beautiful kebaya and one of those breathtaking, elaborate headdresses.

I still think Balinese weddings are some of the most beautiful celebrations in the world.

But what could I do? Some things were simply not meant to become mine. There were also parts of myself and my life that I could not let go of, especially the things I had believed in and defended for so long. Sometimes love is not only about choosing someone. It is also about deciding which parts of yourself you are willing—or unwilling—to leave behind.

Life continued after that, of course.

During these past few months, I also noticed that many of my online friends had disappeared. Some people I had not spoken to in a long time, while others had completely deactivated their accounts. It made me sad because even online friendships can become such a familiar and meaningful part of our lives.

Still, I guess that is simply how friendships work sometimes.

As someone once said, “People come and go,” right?

I also traveled to Solo to attend the wedding of one of my closest cousins. After that, I extended my leave until July 5 so I could watch NIKI perform at the Prambanan Jazz Festival.

Honestly, hearing her sing those songs live made me think about someone.

He is a guy I have always thought of as my own younger brother, although our connection has never felt completely ordinary. Sometimes I feel like he is both my twin flame and my karmic relationship. Being close to him taught me that men could be gentle, generous, understanding, caring, and, of course, incredibly annoying at times.

He is chronically online, and somehow I could talk to him about almost anything. No matter how random the topic was, the conversation always seemed to flow naturally. I rarely felt misunderstood when I talked to him. There was always something familiar about the way our minds connected.

Honestly, I’ve been so incredibly drained from work these past few days. The endless cycle of drafting, editing, and chasing stories really takes a toll on my energy. But the funny thing is, despite the sheer exhaustion, I still genuinely love what I do. There's a weird kind of comfort in the chaos of my job, even when my brain feels completely fried.

Maybe it’s the fatigue talking, but lately, my mind has been playing tricks on me. Out of nowhere, I caught myself thinking, “I just want to get married ASAP. Like, this year or next year.” I actually vented about this sudden urge to my closest friends—the ones who have been my absolute support system since our university days. They saw right through me and called me out immediately. They were like, “Girl, you don’t actually want a partner right now. You’re literally just exhausted and need a long nap.” And... yeah, they’re probably right.

But maybe there's another reason my heart and mind feel like a tangled mess right now.

I’m currently trying to figure out the best way to distance myself from a certain someone. The problem is, the harder I try to pull away, the more he somehow manages to pull me right back in. I’m the type of person who can’t keep a secret when I’m happy; whenever something brings me joy, I have to tell everyone I care about. So naturally, there isn't a single person in my friend group who doesn't know about this guy.

I keep asking myself why I have to deal with this right now. Why can't I just flip a switch and make it stop? I just can’t seem to shake off my feelings for him. I even tried the ultimate denial tactic: aggressively putting him in the "younger brother" zone. I convinced myself that if I just treated him like a little brother, it would neutralize everything.

Spoiler alert: it didn't work at all. It wasn't enough. No matter how much I try to suppress it, these feelings are still screaming, wanting something more.

Kak Abeee, aw that’s such a sweet question :') And sorry for replying this late, I just got back from work.

Honestly, it feels really warm. Like, I’m just genuinely grateful. I don’t think of them as “amazing people around me” in a big fancy way, they’re just my people. The ones who make things feel light, fun, and meaningful at the same time.

About the reading community, it actually makes me really happy, because it started from something simple—just liking books and wanting to share that feeling. And somehow it grew into meeting people who feel the same way. The founders are all so kind and supportive, it never feels competitive, just collaborative.

For tennis and padel, it’s kinda the same. I just like moving, laughing, and spending time with good energy people. It’s never about being “seen”, it’s more like “oh today was fun, I feel better.”

And for work, I’m just doing what I love really. Being in media, telling stories, meeting people—it’s something I’ve always wanted. The connections are a bonus, but I value the conversations more than the “who’s who” part.

And yaaa I guess I don’t really show it off because for me, some things feel nicer when they’re just lived, not displayed. I like keeping things a bit lowkey and genuine.

So, I was rewatching (500) Days of Summer the other day. You know, that classic indie movie everyone was obsessed with back in the day? When I first watched it years ago, I had mixed feelings. But watching it now, as an adult navigating my own life, I had a massive realization.

I am literally Summer Finn.

Seriously, hear me out. For the longest time, Summer has been painted as the "villain" of the story. The heartbreaker. The girl who led poor Tom Hansen on. But looking at how she acts, thinks, and views relationships, I realized her mindset matches my real-life perspective almost perfectly.

First of all, her whole "I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, I just want to be my own person" phase? Big same. I completely get her hesitation when it comes to labels. Society always pushes us to define everything immediately. "What are we?" "Where is this going?" But honestly? Sometimes I just want to vibe. I want to enjoy the moment, go to mall, listen to good music, and be happy without the heavy burden of expectations. It’s not about being a commitment-phobe; it’s about valuing your own independence and not wanting to be tied down just for the sake of it.

Another thing I totally relate to is her brutal honesty. Summer told Tom from day one: “I’m not looking for anything serious.” And honestly, that is so me. I always try to lay my cards on the table. If I just want to be casual, I say it. But just like Tom, people often hear what they want to hear. They build this whole romantic fairytale in their heads, project their own fantasies onto you, and then get mad when you don't play the part they wrote for you.

I used to feel bad when people misunderstood my intentions or thought I was "cold" for not being overly romantic. But Summer taught me that as long as you are honest about your feelings (or lack thereof), you aren't responsible for someone else's delusions.

Life isn't a rom-com, and we aren't obligated to be the perfect manic pixie dream girl for anyone's character development. Sometimes, we're just girls trying to figure things out, reading books in the park, and waiting for something that actually makes sense to us. (And hey, spoiler alert: Summer eventually did get married when it finally felt right for her)

So, here is my little piece of advice for anyone reading this: Don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for knowing what you want—or what you don't want. It is completely okay to refuse to be put in a box. It's okay to enjoy someone's company without promising them your future. Be unapologetically honest, protect your peace, and don't bend your boundaries just to fit into someone else's love story.

And if you happen to be on the other side... if someone tells you exactly who they are and what they want, believe them the first time. Don't wait around hoping you'll be the magical exception.

I literally told myself (and you guys) that my previous post would be the absolute last one I upload for March 2026. But, I'm making a massive exception today because my first love is celebrating his birthday!

Yep, happy March 23rd to the main man!

Happy birthday to my incredibly cool and hip Papa, who is basically the reigning champion of every tennis tournament he enters! We had a big family gathering today to celebrate him, and honestly, the cutest and funniest part of it all? His birthday cake was a Tiramisu—which just so happens to be my (his second daughter's) absolute favorite cake. He is seriously too cute, I can't even!

So, here’s my little message for papa:

As your second, slightly mischievous, and definitely the most stubborn daughter, I want to wish my dearest Papa the absolute best for everything ahead. I hope you find even more happiness in your slow-living retirement era, and please just do the things that bring you absolute joy!

Also, even though you never pressure me to get married anytime soon... I mean, I wouldn't exactly say no if one of your friends' sons wanted to hit me up, haha!

Love you so much, Pa! Please stay happy and healthy always for me, Abang, and Adik! May Allah always bless you forever and ever!

a short little song i wrote once upon a sleepy morning, a voice memo of me singing while learning guitar.

hi elsaa! waduuu lama tidak berkabar ya, kepikiran aja lo inbox ke sini wkwk

gue mikir bentar deh, otak gue dari kemarin overheat nih gara-gara ngurus project-an dan pertanyaan lo cukup menarik lagi buat gue respon.

so, pov gue kasih tahu lo ya, itu teknik emang buat nge-attract cowo unavailable secara emosi. cowo yang either dia fearful avoidant atau dismissive avoidant. cowo yang blueprint cintanya itu adalah "love is pain", "love is chaos". in short time, lo bisa aja dapetin hati dia dengan melakukan itu semua. in a long time, lo harus konsisten dengan "ke-tidak-konsistenan" dia. ngerti ga maksudnya? lo harus konsisten mirroring behavior effort-nya dia yang inkonsisten untuk maintain rasa sukanya dia ke lo, rasa cintanya dia ke lo lah pokoknya.

and now i wanna ask u smt.. cape ga hidup kayak gitu?

again gue tanya, dengan lo melakukan itu, mirroring effort dia segala macam, apakah your emotional needs met? padahal lo tipe cewe yang pengennya di chat tiap hari kan. dikabarin tiap hari. lo emang dapetin hati dia, tapi kebutuhan emosi lo dapat ga dari melakukan semua teknik itu emang?

and now gue kasih tau ada cara lain yang mungkin effort-nya butuh lebih lama ngerjainnya, tapi lo bakal lebih bahagia in long term.

dengan apa? lo benerin diri lo, attachment style lo yang anxious itu menjadi 'secure'. kalo lo udah secure, lo bakal melihat cowo fearful avoidant dan dismissive avoidant sebagai 'cowo sampah'. ga bakalan ada ketertarikan emosi lagi sama cowo unavailable emosinya kayak gini. dan lo bakal tertariknya dan meng-attract-nya 'cowo secure' juga.

lo tau ga secure itu kayak apa? 

blueprint cinta kita itu, "love is calm, love is safe". mereka kalo udah suka sama lo, willingly untuk give the effort consistently daily.

Today I dropped my dad off at the airport for his flight back to our house in Yogyakarta. We're getting ready for a huge family gathering in Solo because my grandma really misses all her kids who migrated to Kalimantan. She asked everyone to gather at her house to celebrate Eid together. My younger sister, my older brother, and I will catch up later since my younger sister is still working in Kapuas district (about an hour from my city), I'm still caught up with work too, and my older brother has his usual out-of-town work trips to Lombok and Bali.

So, this is my first day being home alone. My sister-in-law, Ka Yaya, decided to go on a holiday to Thailand with her friends, so it's literally just me and Teteh (our housemaid) at home. Yesterday, I texted Nata about this whole situation, and she just casually replied, "Well, wanna come over to my place? Or should we just go for a staycation?" She said it so effortlessly, this weirdo. No, I'm just kidding, Nat @cherryiesblossom—I love you!

On the drive back from dropping Papa at the airport earlier, I couldn't help but think about how quiet the house—which is usually just filled by the two of us—is going to be. It's going to feel even emptier when we leave it completely for Eid later. Usually, Mom would be here, busy baking cookies that she always prepared way ahead of Eid. The entire kitchen would smell absolutely amazing, filled with the rich aroma of wisjman butter from her homemade cookies.

But... it's already been 14 years without Mom (my literal life bestie who I used to vent to every single time I got home from school). I'm not really sad anymore, though. I even made time to visit her grave earlier before heading back to the office. I prayed for her while venting a little bit about how, lately, there have been so many people giving me a headache and making it hard for me to figure out what they actually want.

One piece of advice from Mom that has stuck with me to this day is: "Never take what rightfully belongs to others, and never let your actions disappoint people."

That's exactly why I've always loved the quote, "Whatever you are, be a good one."

There's a senior cleaning lady in my office, Bu Mey. Every morning, like clockwork, she finds her way to my desk. It seems I’m the only one she feels comfortable confiding in, sharing little snippets of her life, her worries, and her joys.

Today was different.

She approached me with tears already welling up in her eyes. Before I could even ask what was wrong, she suddenly asked me a question, her voice trembling slightly.

"Tirra, are you still single?"

I was a bit taken aback, but I answered honestly. "Hmm, yeah, Bu Mey. I guess I am. To be honest, I haven't been interested in finding a partner, and I probably don't want to get married."

"What made you start thinking like that?" she asked, her curiosity momentarily piercing through her sadness.

"I'm just happy on my own," I explained. "And I have no interest in letting a man into my life when I have no idea if he'll be faithful or if he'll be good to me and my family in the long run."

That's when the dam broke. Tears streamed down her face as she looked at me with a pained intensity.

"Yeah, Tirra," she whispered. "Please, don't you ever rush into marriage. I needed to talk about this, and you're the only one I feel comfortable telling, not any of the other girls in this office. I'm about to make a very hard decision for me and my children... I'm going to divorce my husband. He's been caught cheating for the third time."

She took a shaky breath. "You are such a good and sincere girl, a true listener. It would break my heart to see you get hurt by the wrong partner. Don't be like me, who had too many children too soon and now has to think a thousand times before making this difficult choice."

I was completely speechless. All I could do was sit there, looking into her eyes, trying to offer some silent, steady comfort as her tears fell. I had to fight to hold back my own.

It's moments like these that hit you hard. How incredibly difficult is it to maintain a relationship between two people who are supposed to be happy and peaceful partners until the end of their days? How hard is it to build and maintain consistent trust and commitment?

It makes you think. Sometimes you find someone amazing, but you’re separated by something as fundamental as faith. I once had to walk away from someone because I knew my principles wouldn't allow us to get serious, even though we had a connection. We shared the same understanding of devotion, just to different things.

And to you, the one who is always there, faithfully reading every word I post on this private Tumblr of mine… Thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read the random thoughts I share to refresh my brain from office tasks. I truly hope you are always blessed in every step of your life's journey. May some of my writings spark an idea, an insight, or a little bit of inspiration that you can use as motivation for your own personal character development.

ga usah dengerin lagu yang mellow atau sad gitu, jangan liat video tiktok yang isinya quotes sad alay, jangan stalk dia dan kepo sama kehidupan dia lagi, dan kalau sampe ga ada kesempatan buat balik lagi, bisa dihapus semua foto, kenangan, intinya semua hal tentang dia. move on itu intinya harus konsisten dan butuh waktu! liat yang buruk-buruknya dari dia aja, ga usah inget yang baiknya. kalo ga ada gimana? ya udah lihat dari kalo yang mutusin dia, ya inget-inget aja gimana cara dia ninggalin kamu. kadang orang ketutupan cinta, makanya ga bisa ngeliat keburukan pasangannya. cuma kadang juga ada orang yang pasangannya emang ga ada buruknya sama sekali, biasanya karena masa pacarannya baru sebentar, jadi masih nunjukin sikap yang 'baik'. harus konsisten sama tegas sama diri sendiri!

If I’m being super honest, my love life has basically been one big flop. But honestly? I still feel incredibly lucky. Even though I totally suck at romance, I hit the absolute jackpot with my friends and family. I’m always surrounded by such amazing, kind people who give off the best positive energy. They’re the reason I’ve made it this far. They’re always there for me, ready to listen whenever I need to vent. That support means everything, especially since I struggle with my mental health—dealing with crazy mood swings and relying on my meds—plus going through some tough spine physiotherapy lately.

I don't know why, but catching feelings for a guy is so hard for me. Honestly, I don't care how hot he is. My ultimate turn-on is just brains. I’m all about a guy who’s super smart, has high emotional intelligence, and is a strong provider. Like, please, no weak or wishy-washy guys who act like a confused princess! He’s got to be taller than me, too. But finding a guy like that these days feels almost impossible.

If I could manifest my dream guy, he’d be the perfect mix. Picture the smarts and strong provider vibes of Indra Priawan, but with the cheeky, playful energy of Abun Sungkar. I just really need a smart guy I can have deep conversations with, but who is also super cheeky and clingy—but only with me.

I want someone who makes me feel safe enough to bring out my soft, pampered, girly side. I want a relationship that’s just pure fun every single day. Someone who’s down to explore anything with me and can totally match my crazy energy and endless yapping whenever I’m in a good, stable mood.