Personal

im so tired & cold, im drained and i have this empty feeling pulling me down telling me to go to sleep

i almost forgot what it was like to feel this way, at first i was lost and confused because its been so long but here it is again, telling me that its still here, as if it will always be here to remind me when i let myself down too far

i keep putting things off all the time & i never do things that i need to do, especially things that i need to do myself like, get a job, make phone calls, really, even simple things like talking to my dad about school. i haven’t been replying to people that i need to talk to, i haven’t been good at keeping up with friends, i haven’t been trying my best to work on art/stickers that i need to for others,,,haven’t been doing my best at taking care of myself, just everything really. i think maybe because i’ve been putting off so many things i haven’t been feeling so great & i’m really just so stressed & unmotivated. i feel like crying multiple times throughout the day, & i do, when it gets too much. i’ve been trying my best to be positive & get things done but maybe my best just isn’t good enough & i need to push myself more. i want to, i really do, but will that be okay? can i do that without feeling even worse? i don’t know. i feel like i’m trying my best but am i really, it feels like most of the time i’m not actually trying at all. i just sit around & mope, & i honestly want to be energized & motivated all the time, i want to get things done. maybe going out for jogs will help me, i hope, & it wont make me feel even more drained. i was feeling fine earlier today until i realized about this new cavity i have, haha...guess i’m just not taking good enough care of myself than i thought. i’ve been brushing & flossing everyday but i guess that’s just not enough. i hope it’s not going to be a big problem because it hurts whenever i eat or drink something. will i need a root canal? gosh, that would suck wouldn’t it, haha. i feel like a loser because i’ve made no effort to get a job, i really need to push myself, because making excuses that i’m scared or sad won’t get my anywhere. i have to be positive & just do it, get things done whether i like it or not. there are no buts here, i just need to start taking care of myself because at the pace i’m going, i feel like i’ll always be a sore loser like i am now. i feel so shitty about everything i’m not doing & just want to cry about it all the time, i’m really such a crybaby, i can’t help it. with school coming up i’m more worried also about the fact if i’ll be able to handle taking 4 classes, why can’t i handle more things??? gawains says i can always drop a class if it all becomes too much for me,,,so i guess that’s always an option. but i feel legitimately so shitty if i ever need to drop a class, like what kind of weak baby am i to not be able to handle the minimum required classes for a full time student? there’s also the guilt i feel that i rely so heavily on my parents & i honestly feel like they’re wasting their money on me & school. i know they love me & do it because they want me to be successful but i can’t help these dumb feelings & thoughts i always have, it sucks. i feel like i’m using my parents & i ask too much from them so i never want to bring up things like how i’m feeling because i feel like i’ll just trouble them more. i don’t like talking about my feelings in the first place because when i try i just end up crying a whole bunch & i just feel so shitty after like i burdened someone else & wasted my & their time. i know talking about your feelings is important & it’s really something i need to work on, haha...on another note i want to try for a job at gamestop because it’s close by & they’ve been “hiring” for what, almost a year now? & i really need to get myself a job. seriously. but then there’s the fact that i would absolutely hate having to drop classes/school if i got a job, because i would feel like a failure not being able to go to school. then again i don’t even know what i want to do in my life/as a career, so what would going to a university do for me? i feel that maybe i set my expectations too high for myself or maybe because i compare myself to all these other people without depression/anxiety i expect myself to be able to handle just as much or if not more. aren’t i supposed to challenge myself? aren’t i supposed to strive for things in my life like these? everyone says i am but i have no idea what i’m doing, i don’t know what i want at all.

i need to go to the doctors & get meds, that’s probably something that will help me, right? gawain says we should go together & get it done because of how shitty we’ve been feeling lately. i just honestly feel like i’m supposed to be able to handle & do these things myself because of all the successful people in the world & all those that struggle & strive for what they have & get things done. everyone goes through so many worse things than i do & they come out the other side victorious even after they fail so many times. how do they do it? do they just, do it? they don’t give up? i don’t want to give up, i’m not giving up, but the fact that i’m getting nowhere is pulling me down. it’s probably because i’m just not trying hard enough, & i need to push myself even more. but how much can i handle before i border on turning back into what i was like before? it’s so hard to get through these thoughts & feelings & really, just everything in life. no one said it’s easy & yeah, it’s pretty fucking hard, & maybe being positive & happy about myself just isn’t enough to get me through life. i need to push on no matter what, i really just fucking do. i’m feeling so weak & letting everything get to me, aren’t i? writing this out has been good, & i feel better about myself. but then i have the problem i always do where i do nothing about what i said i would do, i’m not getting anywhere by repeating this process. i honestly feel only like crying & lying down listening to music. i keep repeating & living with such an unhealthy process & never get anything done, (the important things that matter, like a job, etc.) i know i’m not supposed to compare myself to others because they’re not me, i’m not them, we’re different & everyone works/lives differently. they don’t have depression, i do. just because someone else can do it easily doesn’t mean that i can do it just as easily. just because i need to strive harder for living a normal life & living happily isn’t a bad thing, but it happens to people, & i just so happen to be one of them. 

i need to pull myself together

this train of thought is dangerous, i cant let it do this to me again

why do i treat my depression as something foreign when its part of me

its because being depressed is annoying

breathing in nostalgic feelings

closing my eyes to see another place where i belong

feeling the sounds and echos of memories flood in

falling into the hold of something that’s not quite there

i need to stop ignoring the fact that i have something wrong with me and that its hindering my life and mental health

i need to accept that i need help and need to make myself better and it wont get better unless i do something about it and try

i need to learn that its up to me to do this and i need to do this if i want to stop living like this

i understand now that i am  just like them in ways how im really expressive and passionate about art just as they are with anime or video games or cosplaying. and even if their cosplay doesnt look good, who cares?? they at least tried and put their effort into it whereas someone like me wouldnt even bother at all

i give them props and i appreciate that they are so invested in the things they love and its a really gr8 thing

so when i think about how i used to feel towards them i feel like a terrible person and i was really closed minded about people in social groups who others viewed as "gross" or "annoying"

treating people badly who have done you no wrong and are simply enjoying themselves and the things they love is wrong and ive learned that now

i hate this, i hate being sad for no reason

when am i going to turn my life around?

i have no motivation to do anything

everything is a chore

before you know it it will be as if it were never there

and i think too much

i dont want to hear what you have to say about me i already know it just

shut u p an d l eav e  m e  a l on e pl eas e 

im pathetic, so self centered and greedy

i reject all the help, advice, and kindness given to me,

and i upset and disappoint people continuously 

i am the definition of ungrateful and now that i see it

i deserve to feel this way

i deserve the worst, for being the worst

i think things would be easier and better off without me

but youre the only one that tells me the opposite

im trying to make myself believe its not just a 'symptom' of depression

because it reminds me of when i used to go to therapy and they gave me a questionnaire every visit with one question asking if i don't experience enjoyment in things that i used to anymore

then i get the feeling im just saying 'im depressed' and this is proof

i feel dumb for thinking about depression in general and i dont want to believe that i am

when i get down i just tell myself im sad and thats what i believe because everyone gets sad

and i think im trying to make myself believe that theres no such thing as depression or theres no way i could be