˖ ࣪ ˖ lui ⋆ ࣪

cherry blossom petals twirled in the light morning wind, as students scrambled inside the high school, talking to their peers and meeting friends at the entrance.

jungwon stood on the street alone, a paper in his hand, with the directions towards his new high school. he was starting this last year in another city since his father had to move for work. of course it was going to be difficult not being with his old friends, but they had promised to meet in university later on in life.

though for that to happen, he would have to graduate high school first, and that will only happen if he was able to find it.

“ah, i think it was the other street,” he stopped in his tracks, looking back, and then around, confused about his whereabouts. he had taken a small shortcut, and now he was lost.

it was then when you appeared, walking down from the other street, recognizing his uniform, but not his face. he must be new and looking for the school. that was something that always happened since it was quite hidden in the block by trees.

“you’re a student right?” you spoke, as he turned to you, stunned. his eyes were wide, clearly not expecting to be surprised in this moment, as his face slightly flushed a pink tint.

you laughed light-heartedly at his reaction, as he nodded. “yes, i am yang jungwon,” he bowed quickly, nervous.

“l/n y/n, you definitely look new,” you commented, reciprocating his actions. he looked up, finally being able to meet her face.

it was as if pure sunshine had come down from the blue sky to greet him, you seemed so warm and inviting he was afraid to say or do something wrong in your presence. “yeah,” he breathed out, looking at you with admiration.

“yeah… you look new? or you are new?” you grinned.

“oh, uh- both?” he blinked.

“follow me. make sure you remember the way,” you murmured, slipping past him down the narrow street, your footsteps light against the worn pavement.

jungwon didn’t hesitate, before going after you, trying to make his mind picture the road, so he would get caught in a perchance like this. maybe, if it were you who found him, he wouldn’t mind.

the quiet between you two felt strange, but comforting, like something that was always meant to happen. when you reached the school, the bell’s chime echoed faintly in the distance, signaling the end of your small journey. but before you could steal another glance at him, your friend group appeared from nowhere, pulling you away as if they had been waiting for this exact moment.

“you’re almost late, what happened?” chaery asked, twirling her bag strap around her finger, her eyes narrowing in curiosity.

“i found a new student,” you explained, brushing a stray lock of hair behind your ear as you adjusted the strap of your own bag. “he looked lost, so i just showed him the way.”

your friends rolled their eyes, an expression of playful exasperation on their faces. they knew you too well, how you couldn’t help but talk to anyone who seemed lost or lonely. it wasn’t unusual for you to help a new student find their way or sit with someone who needed a friend. some people thought you did it out of pity, or because you had an excess of kindness to give. but in reality, it was just because you could. you didn’t need a reason beyond that.

and maybe because you read in a magazine that most people regret not doing things rather than doing things.

“hello y/n,” your seatmate greeted you as you sat down with a smile, making you do the same.

you noticed a small transparent bag with some treats inside in your table, and you turned skeptically to him. “kento did you leave this here?”

“me?” kento’s voice was light, casual, as he leaned back in his chair, hands tucked behind his head. “oh no, there was this... gloomy depressed-looking guy who came by earlier. started asking me about where you were, like i had any idea. then he dropped that on your table and just... left."

you frowned, looking at the bag again, your curiosity piqued.

“he might not even know it’s not february anymore,” kento chuckled, a knowing glint in his eyes. “maybe he's a bit... late.”

"hey, don't be mean," you laughed, taking the small bag in your hands and carefully inspecting the assortment of chocolates inside. "they look handmade."

"look," kento said, leaning forward with a mischievous glint in his eyes, pointing to the bottom of one of the treats. "there's a brand."

"oh," you blinked, a little surprised, "maybe they thought i'd like this brand, or maybe he has no cooking skills."

"you're way too good," kento rolled his eyes, flopping back in his chair, his voice a little too loud. "i can see why everyone loves you." he sighed dramatically. you frowned at him, shooting him a glance that clearly said, don't embarrass me. but he only grinned, clearly entertained by your reaction.

just then, the bell rang, and the classroom fell into a quick hush as the homeroom teacher stepped in, flanked by someone unfamiliar. both of them stood at the front of the class, drawing everyone's attention.

he started explaining how he was happy to spend another year with the class, how he was looking forward to teaching again, his voice light and warm as he spoke. then, he shifted, gesturing to the person behind him. "this is our new student," he said.

as you were about to glance up to get a better look at the new arrival, a soft sound caught your attention. a small folded piece of paper appeared on your desk, almost as if it had materialized out of nowhere. you glanced down at it, your curiosity piqued.

it read: ‘want to go to the mall later today? - kento’

you couldn’t help but chuckle softly to yourself, throwing him a quick, teasing look. he was acting completely normal, staring straight ahead at the teacher as if nothing had happened. ‘sure, let’s! - y/n’ and placed the note on his desk, hearing him open it and let out a hum of agreement.

just as you were about to refocus on the homeroom teacher, the bell rang again, signaling the end of the moment. the classroom erupted into movement as everyone stood up, eager to catch up with their friends before the next class began. the noise and bustle of students blocked your view of the front.

"hey, kento," you called, nudging your blond friend with a playful grin. "we should go to the pork bun shop after. i woke up with this strange craving..."

“are you pregnant?”

"i am going to pretend you didn't ask me that," you blinked, turning away to rummage through your bag for your math book, trying to hide the warmth creeping up your neck. “the words seem so weird coming from you.”

“it was just a joke, i know you always get weird cravings, if anything, your cravings are more like those of a toddler,” kento took your pencil case, rummaging through the interior to find a mechanical pencil for himself, already making your belongings a shared property.

he was one of your closest friends, someone you couldn’t imagine life without. you’d known him since kindergarten, when, with all the certainty of a five-year-old, he swore he would never leave your side. and while people often misunderstood the closeness of your friendship for a relationship, you didn't care about those rumors. you would never be afraid to admit that you’d cry your heart out if he ever left. and it wasn’t like you both haven’t sincerely tried to feel something for the other that wasn’t friendship love. but it was practically impossible for you both to feel that for the other.

the rest of the day went by in a breeze, and although the climate was still hot from summer vacations, you were glad to be back at school. it was strange, while many loathed going to school, you loved it. you loved seeing your friends, talking to everyone, having a routine, and the apple juice from the vending machine. if anything, you thought, you'd probably loathe the day when you’d have to leave all of this behind after graduation. but that was a future problem for another time. for now, you were content.

the final bell rang, signaling the end of the school day, and you made your way to the bathroom, sending kento a quick message to let him know you’d meet him at the school’s entrance.

when you stepped inside the bathroom, a group of girls from the summer classes greeted you with bright smiles. they were quick to gush about how, despite the heat, your skin seemed to glow in a way that made them envious. you smiled, a little embarrassed, but grateful for the compliment. “thank you,” you said, your voice light. “we should hang out outside of school sometime, maybe go eat something sweet?”

they all agreed excitedly, chatting amongst themselves as they gathered their things to leave for the day, each girl heading off to her own plans. once the door closed behind them, the bathroom felt a little quieter, the buzz of conversation fading.

you let out a small breathy sigh, standing in front of the mirror to fix your appearance, checking it your hair wasn’t down, or else you will start feeling hot. taking a paper towel, you gently patted your face, making sure it wasn’t too shiny, giving yourself one last look in the mirror. satisfied with the little fix-up, you felt a bit more comfortable. you were ready to meet kento and head out to the mall and then the famous pork bun shop, your craving still lingering in the back of your mind.

you were a simple person, even to dumb things like cravings, someone who always vowed to stay true to what you wanted. it wasn’t complicated, and it didn’t require much thought. you were content with who you were and wanted, and that was enough for you. that was why sometimes you didn’t bother to clear up meaningless rumors about you, because even if you did talk with many, it was a small group of people who actually knew you.

you sent kento a message, letting him know you’d be there in three minutes. the school was pretty big for a high school, but after all, it was the only school in the area, and there were many families with kids who wanted to enroll them here. it wasn’t easy to pass the entrance exam, at least you’ve heard from newer students. speaking of new students... as you were walking down the hall on the second floor, you heard some voices through an open window, people talking.

“y/n?!”

“huh?” you stopped on your tracks, looking around, and then figured the voice came from below. “was that kento-“

“absolutely every girl i know is like obsessed with her, everyone wants to be her friend, even my younger sister, she’s crazy,” someone said. you blinked, feeling a blush creep up your neck at the comment. obsessed? you hadn’t thought of it that way. sure, some girls did approach you now and then, asking where you bought your clothes or what face products you used, but it wasn’t like they were obsessed. you were just one student in millions more. you couldn’t help but feel embarrassed at how the situation was being framed. it was all so... exaggerated. so much for trying to have many friends.

you didn’t quite know why they seemed so interested, but it was never something that bothered you. still, hearing this, made you feel slightly self-conscious. was that really how people saw you?

“kai don’t say that, it sounds like she’s a celebrity,” someone replied.

“but it’s true, jun,” kai replied, “my sister is always listening to the music she recommends, shopping at the same shops she does, it’s like y/n completely replaced bahiyyih!”

"okay, i don't think that's y/n’s fault, that's your sister's fault," yeonjun chimed in, rolling his eyes as he glanced at the group. he was standing next to jungwon, who looked like a sheep surrounded by wolves. kai was bombarding him with endless questions, soobin was trying to play the role of the class president by wanting to meet the new kid, beomgyu was laughing at everything kai said, and taehyun was lounging under a nearby tree, questioning how his friends managed to handle the heat.

"anyway," kai continued, his grin widening, "what do you think about her?"

“about who?” jungwon blinked.

"about y/n," kai clarified. "is she as awesome as all the girls say she is or what?”. beomgyu smacked kai’s arm at the remark, which definitely sounded a bit more sarcastic than it should’ve.

jungwon thought for a moment, his mind tracing back to the meeting before school, to which you came to save and guide him to school, then, he remembered the way you’d laugh in class, light and effortless, even if you didn’t seem to notice him there. but he noticed you. he noticed how you answered every question the teacher asked, how you weren’t afraid to speak up for those too shy to ask their own questions. jungwon was extremely observant, perhaps more than he wanted to be. but there was something about you, something that made him want to know you better. not just by watching, but by talking to you.

"she is bright," he said, finally breaking the silence.

“bright? smart?”

"okay, stop asking him dumb questions, i wanna go home and you take forever," yeonjun sighed, shaking his head. "it’s starting to look like you’re the one obsessed with y/n, not your sister."

they kept joking for a few moments, before deciding to all walk to the entrance, not leaving a single second for jungwon to say the contrary. they started heading out, not before making fun of taehyun, who was still lazily sitting under the tree, as if the heat had already defeated him. you observed them quietly, leaning against the window, your eyes following the group as they moved further away. what was that all about?

bright. bright. it was the first time someone had described you like that, and it lingered in your mind. did he mean you were smart? or was it your smile, your eyes, your face? maybe it wasn’t even about your appearance at all. was it a compliment, or was it sarcastic? you found yourself wondering about it, trying to figure out which part of you he had seen. what did he mean by that?

as the group walked farther away, it was almost as if jungwon felt something shift in the air. his gaze flicked back in your direction, and for a split second, time seemed to slow. your eyes met from across the wide patio, even from that distance, and something passed between you in that instant. a strange, silent connection. he didn’t mind, not even for a second, that you had overheard their conversation. in fact, it almost seemed like he didn’t care at all.

for jungwon, it was as if he had just been seen for the first time, by someone whose gaze felt different, like bright eyes had captured him in a way no one else had. something about it made him want to say more, to give you a compliment, to let you know exactly what he thought of your small encounter, but for now, he stayed silent. deep down, he felt it. the undeniable feeling that this wasn’t just another passerby in his life. this was different.

and you felt it too. his words had made sense of everything you do, everything you are. in some seconds, he got to know you to perfection without even actually knowing you.

@ masterlist

it was a calm sunny day, the streets of seoul were busy with people, families, workers, students. the middle of the year was always a great time to soak up in the sun, as the flowers bloomed all around, in small flowers pots and gardens.

inside a small café, a group of friends were reminiscing their younger days as college students. all of them had works, families, a home to get back to. it was truly nostalgic for them to be reunited in a setting like this. the youngest of them ordered a small treat first, and so they went down the round table, each ordering their own favorite pastry. once the waiter bubbled away to get everything, they were left alone.

the group was chatting, laughing, and overall having a good time when their food and beverages got there. some of them didn't even spare a word before digging in, not forgetting the small feeling of similarity as to when they ate lunch together in university.

then, something happened, niki, now almost 25 but nonetheless still the youngest, scooped up some of jungwon’s food, and instantly reacted against it.

"oh god, you’re still eating this stuff?" he spoke, the semi-munched strawberry still in his mouth, the chocolate making a splash of sugar to the tongue. jake noticed his discomfort, and let out a loud laugh, booming through their table, making everybody aware of the situation.

"did you just-" jungwon looked at his bowl, where a big portion was missing, and he proceeded to deadpan at the nishimura, who looked like a snail that had been fed salt. for some reason, he despised very sugary sweets.

"geez, how can you handle the sugar?" niki shuddered, "i hate strawberries, and here you are, ordering a whole ass whatever-that-is out of it," he then ate some of his own food, pleased.

"it's alright," jungwon shrugged, eating some more, and then leaned back, "i don't mind the sugar," he said “i got used to it, i mean, after all, i haven’t gotten any cavities.” he smiled wholeheartedly.

"you don't mind?" heeseung asked, "do you really like that stuff that much?" he rose his brows at his friend. jungwon crossed his arms, thinking to himself for a second, before answering, "no, no i don't, i actually hated it for a while, until it didn’t matter anymore," he laughed.

his friends looked at themselves with worry etched on their faces, before sunghoon decided to ask. "why do you eat so much strawberries with chocolate then?" he watched as jungwon was still smiling, now looking down at his plate, as if he was reminiscing some far memory.

jungwon glanced up at his friends, seeing all their eyes on him. leaning back further into his comfortable seat, he then spoke, "let me tell you the story about this girl, who loved strawberries,"

˙ . ꒷ CHAPTERS.

1. looked my way → published!

2. just like you → ?/feb

3. falling too fast → ?/feb

4. you’ll have to miss me → ?/feb

5. hurts to be nothing → ?/feb

6. chocolate strawberries → ?/feb

7. right now → ?/feb

@ masterlist

i don’t want this to end in a bad way.

but you haven’t even noticed i’m not around.

it’s for the best, i think.

not the best for you. not anymore. this isn’t about you.

i don’t hope you’re happy.

but i wish it for myself.

goodbye.

NO LONGER FRIENDS WITH THIS USER

MASTERLIST.

todays my birthday.

i went out with my family to a restaurant and i got a lot of gifts.

did you know it was my birthday?

i haven’t heard anything from you.

even if it’s my day, i’m still worried about you.

it makes me sound pathetic.

or maybe it shows that after all, i did care about you.

i did wish you happy birthday.

i got you a gift.

but i don’t need a gift from you. nor a text.

is it crazy to say that maybe you were my bestfriend but i wasn’t yours?

it hurts me.

it’s like i deceived myself to belief something.

but then again, why -

no.

it doesn’t matter anymore.

i hope i never see you again. yang jungwon.

MASTERLIST.

ALL CHAPTERS.

NEXT CHAPTER.

won.

why do i keep waiting for you to change?

everytime we talk it gets worse.

tell me just how far?

i can’t help but feel like i wasted all my years by being your friends.

but is that bad?

what would you think?

would you care? would you not?

i miss you, i really do.

i feel alone. like i never have.

i miss going to fast food restaurants in the middle of the night with you. i miss when we would play videogames together. i just want you back.

i want my bestfriend back, do you too?

why are you being so difficult.

why do you not open yourself up to me.

why is everything so hard.

i don’t want to move on.

but i guess i will if that’s what you want.

scratch that. i want that.

i don’t want to be your friend anymore.

MASTERLIST.

ALL CHAPTERS.

NEXT CHAPTER.

jungwon.

i am not mad anymore.

your mom called me, she told me she misses me being around.

two days ago was your birthday.

i hope you had a great celebration.

at least that’s what i saw from other pictures.

we are still friends or are we not?

i don’t know why i thought you would have invited me.

why are you hanging out with people that ruined my life?

you told me you were on my side, and now you’re with them.

i would never do that to you.

but i guess, even if we are really similar, you are still you.

and you have never thought of my problems as important enough.

you’ll be back, you always are.

this time i am not sure i’ll be waiting again.

all my girl friends told me you speak bad about me.

but why did you treat me so nice then? why do you share things about yourself that no one else knows?

why are you making me feel important when i am not?

MASTERLIST.

ALL CHAPTERS.

NEXT CHAPTER.

jungwon….

i don’t recognize you.

why are you so far?

you never talk to me.

we never hang out.

now that we grew apart. i can’t help but ask myself if it was really only me that cared for our friendship.

you constantly abandon me for others, and i don’t want to sound possessive, but we barely talk these days.

or perhaps i’ve got it all wrong, and you’re the one who doesn’t talk to me.

that was the day i understood our friendship meant nothing.

you always cancel without previous notice, this time, my brother was coming along.

it broke my heart seeing him cry because you didn’t even give us an excuse as to why you are suddenly so busy when i plan something.

maybe you should keep planning things from now on.

oh, but you never have.

it should be better this way, we can go our separate ways

and about the day i confronted you, you deserved it. why is it so hard for you to be a good friend to me?

MASTERLIST.

ALL CHAPTERS.

NEXT CHAPTER.

dear jw

you got a girlfriend.

she’s seemed nice.

and i had a boyfriend.

we would’ve been both dating at the same time if only he didn’t cheat on me.

i still can’t believe it.

but thank you for staying with me while i cried. it was really important for me. i hope you console her like that too, you have a great way with words.

though, i can’t help but feel weird.

you aren’t an object for me to keep you forever away from people. so why would i feel that way?

anyways, i hope ur happy, and i’ll start distancing myself from you. i don’t want to cause any problems in your relationship.

i do hope you don’t forget me, we can still hang out. just not as much.

MASTERLIST.

ALL CHAPTERS.

NEXT CHAPTER.

jungwon.

do you remember our handshake? it took us (me) days to figure out how to make a cool one.

but we did. and everyone in school asked us how to do it, but we never taught them.

now that I think about it, we do look like a duo.

a lot of people thought we were dating, it was so stupid.

tons of hundreds of people asked me daily if we were together. the idea didn’t seem crazy, but i doubt any of us would feel that way.

i don’t think i’ve ever felt as understood with someone like how you understand me, it’s incredible.

how are you so similar to me?

MASTERLIST.

NEXT CHAPTER.

ALL CHAPTERS.

hey jungwon.

do you remember the first time we met? i was new in school, you were dating my bestfriend, it was way back in 6th grade, so i doubt you remember details like that. but i still like to tease you about it.

she introduced you to me. but neither of us paid attention to the other.

i think we only started talking when you found out i liked your favorite anime character too. but that was in 8th grade.

i don’t wish we had become friends right along, we were both too young and very conflictive, it is funny now.

young you was such a good friend to young me.

though i don’t think you knew you were the second friend i had.

i am grateful you were.

MASTERLIST.

NEXT CHAPTER.

ALL CHAPTERS.

CHAPTERS.

01. can we be friends?

02. shake your hand, say hi

03. i can't stop you

04. are we still friends?

05. don't get green skin

06. smell you later

07. can't say goodbye

08. goodbye

MASTERLIST.

silence enveloped the dark hot room, as thoughts were more than enough noise. park sunghoon laid next to you, above your blue bed cover, a hand resting under his head, as he turned to look at you.

his eyes felt like they were burning, but they weren’t warm enough to break through the barrier you had set up. in all honestly, you didn’t know why he still tried in the relationship, why was he still here?

“y/n…” he started, but you were quicker to turn him down.

you rolled over in your bed, in nothing but a shirt and underwear, your hair still managing to look neat, as if you had just gotten home. “i’m going to take a shower,” you let him know, as you opened your closet, taking out a small strapless dress and a pair of heels.

“you’re going out?” sunghoon furrowed his brows, sitting up, leaning on his two arms.

“yeah, i told you before. just because you’re here doesn’t mean i’m going to cancel my plans,” you laughed incredulously, glancing at your bed-side table, where a clock sat at, reading the time. “you should go.”

sunghoon then spoke again, stopping you from escaping to the bathroom, “can’t you just stay a few minutes with me?” he asked, more like begged. it’s all he had been doing lately, feeling as if you were escaping from his grasp.

“you wanted to come over sunghoon, if you want to stay here for the night or something… go ahead. i’m probably going to sleep somewhere else or get back in the morning,” you threw him a smile, and before he could say anything, you disappeared into the bathroom.

the shower head started running with water, as your dirty clothes dropped to the ground, that only made sunghoon wonder when had this all started, not your relationship, but your un-relationship, if you could call it that.

you were so loving at the start, so kind and accepting, in his opinion, everything was perfect. so what happened that made you pull away from him. was it something he did? something he said? he couldn’t recall any evil done from his part.

it al brought him back to the day you met him.

sunghoon entered the rooftop at school, away from his lousy friends, wanting to eat lunch in peace, not having a feral niki attacking him, or hearing heeseung and jake fighting over basketball.

as soon as the door closed behind him, he immediately regretted it. the rooftop was occupied by you, staring at the sky.

“sorry… for interrupting, i’ll leave,” sunghoon immediately spoke.

you didn’t even turn to look at him, as if he was nothing but a random passerby. but you opened your mouth before he could leave, “why do you always run away from me?”

in all truthness, sunghoon was in love, and he didn’t know why. you weren’t his type. you weren’t quiet, reserved, or dressed very nicely. but there was something about you, like you were someone important.

he noticed himself starting to fall in love when his friends asked who he looked for in the halls. he noticed he started to fall when he was interested in what types of treats and movies you liked.

everyday, it was like you were there. he saw you on the patio, when he looked out his window in class, outside the gym, near your locker, exiting your homeroom. you were always there, he saw you.

but you never once saw him as someone. you did notice a guy running away nervously everytime you were near, or making the impossible to not bump into you. and you knew more than anyone what it was about, still, his reaction was weird.

“come sit,” you said. you weren’t any kind of monster, not yet. so why did someone that liked you, ran away from you. never has someone had the guts to refuse you, if he did, he had to have a pretty good reason to.

“okay,” he muttered, slowly walking over, sitting down next to you. for the rest of the hour, not a single word was spoken.

he didn’t feel the need to say something, because you letting him sit there, was all the validation he needed, it was everything he craved for. but you, only kept him there because there was not a reason not to, he wasn’t lousy, he didn’t bother you, and he didn’t try anything weird.

and so, it was like a silent agreement that you two were always together. sunghoon would follow you around like a puppy, his bag slung over one shoulder, and a hand in his pocket. while you went about your day, not even speaking a word to him.

then when he asked you out, you accepted. maybe out of boredom and because your mother accepted him first or maybe because you could have felt something, there was still that tiny bit of chance that you did like him.

“ah, you’re still here, i thought you’d leave,” you came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around your body, noticing he was sitting in the same position you left him, like a dog waiting for him owner. “sunghoon, you are allowed to leave, you know?” you raised a brow, and when you didn’t get a reply, you sighed, starting to change into your clothes.

sunghoon’s dark eyes followed your moves through the dimly lit room. even now, after years of ‘being together’, he was starting to realize that he knew all of you, but you didn’t know a bit of him. it was like he was always around for you, never the other way around. but what if he said something about it? would you finally get rid of him like he heard you’ve been wanting to?

“what do you want for breakfast tomorrow?” he asked. sunghoon didn’t give a damn if you wanted him out. he was going to fight for whatever relationship you have, because after all, he still loves you.

“uh, whatever i guess..” you muttered, putting on the heels, “okay, i’m done,” you stood up, clapping your hands, and turned to him. “so you’re staying after all right? can you receive an online order i got? it’s getting here tomorrow morning,” you asked, receiving a nod.

“okay then,” you confirmed he would do as said, and grabbed all your belongings, walking out of your room. right. when was the last time you ever said ‘love you’ or ‘goodbye’ to him. if something were to happen to him, would you feel bad? would you then start to appreciate him?

the silence hung in the air like a thick fog, heavy and suffocating. sunghoon watched you leave without a second thought, as if he was nothing more than a background detail in the story of your life. the door clicked shut behind you with finality, and he exhaled, his chest tightening with a pain that had become too familiar.

he hated how the love he gave you, the constant attention, the patience, it all seemed so invisible to you. why was he so loved by everyone else except you? you didn’t care to know what he liked, dislike, what sunghoon did in his free time and so. it was like he was just your shadow.

“will you ever see me?” he murmured, his voice barely audible in the empty space. the words fell into the void, unanswered.

the phone rang, a harsh, intrusive sound in the middle of the night. sunghoon’s body jerked awake, disoriented, his heartbeat already racing as his eyes flicked to the clock. 4:03 AM. his hand shot out instinctively to grab the phone, the screen flashing your name, and for a split second, his mind was filled with nothing but relief.

maybe you realized that you’d actually want to be with him. it was something he wished for, though it was weird. you never called him. maybe you needed something, or maybe you just got confused and dialed the wrong number. still, it warmed his heart that you could have drink called him.

but when he answered, it wasn’t you. it was another voice. he was used to you hanging around other men and going out with them, but this voice would never do something like that.

“sunghoon, it’s jungwon, y-you need to get here now!” jungwon’s voice was ragged, barely holding itself together. "you need to come to the hospital. she’s going into surgery.” he informed. it was likely that jungwon was dropping off something for his father, who was a surgeon, and suddenly came upon this.

his pulse stuttered in his throat, the words not quite registering at first. his mind spun with confusion, scrambling to latch onto something solid. "what? what do you mean? what happened?" sunghoon’s voice cracked as he pushed himself up in bed, his body stiff with panic, every fiber of his being already alert, bracing for something.

it should have been wrong for him to care about you, cause you never once did for him. if sunghoon were to disappear tomorrow, you’d probably notice when someone asked. but he couldn’t bear to have you away, not like this, not so sudden.

jungwon’s voice faltered again, like he was struggling to find the right words, or maybe even the strength to say them, he was always empathetic with his friends. "she was in a car crash. it’s bad, sunghoon. really bad. the others… they didn’t make it. she’s the only one… but she’s unconscious, and-"

a sick, metallic taste rose in sunghoon's mouth. his heart felt like it was stopping, like time itself had frozen in that one endless second.

"is she…?" sunghoon’s voice broke again, barely more than a whisper, like he was afraid to even speak the possibility aloud. the fear gnawed at him, crawled up his spine, twisted his stomach into knots.

"she was alive when they got here, but then she passed out. i don’t know how long it’ll be… or what’s going to happen." jungwon’s voice cracked, as though he too were barely holding it together. "you need to come, sunghoon. now. she might not even wake up."

the words hit him like a punch to the gut.

not even wake up.

sunghoon’s mind went blank. his hand trembled as he clutched the phone, his grip tightening until his knuckles ached. his chest felt like it was being squeezed by invisible hands, the pressure unbearable. the thought of you, lying motionless in a sterile hospital bed, surrounded by machines that would keep you alive but never truly bring you back, it was too much to comprehend.

"i’m coming," sunghoon’s voice was steady, but it felt like a lie. he was scared. his body was moving before he even realized, stumbling out of bed, legs shaking as he forced himself to stand. his mind was reeling, spinning in circles as the details swirled around him. car crash. surgery. you. you.

as he rushed out of the apartment, the cool night air did nothing to calm the raging storm inside him. his heart was racing, but it wasn’t just fear that gripped him. it was an unbearable sense of guilt.

in that moment of desperation, he finally understood why he cared so much. sunghoon had always watched you from afar, you never had anyone apart from yourself. never a true friend. everyone was a passerby in your life, and perhaps he was one too, but he had been determined not to be. he wanted you to have something real, someone who you trusted, someone you could rely on.

how many times had he put his own feelings aside, his own love, only to be treated like an afterthought? hadn’t he given you everything? he had waited. he had waited for you to need him, to come to him, to want him in a way that was real. but all that time, all that patience, did it matter now? was it too late for him to matter?

the hospital felt like a nightmare. everything about it was wrong, bright fluorescent lights that felt too harsh, cold hallways that smelled of antiseptic and despair. sunghoon's feet carried him through the corridors almost mechanically, his mind still reeling from the call.

you’re alive. you are in surgery but alive. every step felt heavier than the last.

he found jungwon near the entrance, his face pale in despair, eyes hollowed with exhaustion and grief. he didn’t speak at first. he didn’t need to. the unspoken words hung between them like a thick, suffocating fog. jungwon was somehow similar to sunghoon, although he didn’t want to force you to be his friend, he thought you deserved someone who was close to you. but not in that way. he didn’t approve how you basically stomped on sunghoon’s heart for free.

"she’s in there," jungwon finally said, voice quiet, strained. "my father came out some minutes ago, they… they’re doing everything they can. but sunghoon… her chances aren’t good."

his eyes flicked to the door leading to the intensive care unit, and sunghoon felt a sickening twist in his stomach. he stepped forward, but then, for a fleeting moment, doubt clouded his mind.

he couldn’t afford to let it consume him. he had spent too long waiting, waiting for you to finally see him, to love him, to understand. he had given you everything. everything.

but now, as he stood in front of that door, staring at the sterile room beyond, he couldn’t help but wonder, would it matter?

sunghoon hadn’t left your side. he couldn’t, even as the hours bled into days, even as the doctors had whispered about the “long road ahead” and the uncertainty of your condition. every beep of the machine was a reminder that you were still here, but not the same. not you. it was a shell, waiting for your consciousness to come back.

and then, one morning, after days of waiting, after nights of restless pacing, you woke up.

sunghoon sat in the sterile hospital room, his body aching from the hours he had spent perched on the edge of your bed, his eyes never leaving your still form. the steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound, a constant reminder that you were alive. but in some ways, you had already slipped away. he held your hand, his thumb brushing over your cold skin as if he could transfer the warmth of his love into you through touch. but it never worked.

the harsh hospital lights felt like they were closing in on him, their cold glare a sharp contrast to the soft warmth that had settled between him and you over the years. your eyes fluttered open, blinking as though you were still trapped in the fog of sleep. at first, he thought it was just another moment of consciousness, another brief flicker of awareness before you slipped back into the darkness.

but then you looked at him.

then, you had blinked slowly, confused, your eyes drifting across the room. your gaze never settled on him with warmth. not with affection. you didn’t even seem to notice the familiar face sitting by your side, the hands that had held you for so long, through all the arguments, the rejections, the coldness that you had never apologized for.

your eyes remained dull, vacant, as if you were waking from some distant dream, only to realize you had no idea where you were, or who was standing at your side.

"hey, it’s me," sunghoon had whispered, his voice breaking, trembling. he had felt his heart constrict painfully in his chest, his hands shaking as he reached for yours, desperate to make you feel loved. "i’ve been here… i’ve always been here for you. the whole time.”

but when you looked at him, it was like you were looking at a stranger. your face was blank, your eyes empty. and then, just when his chest tightened with the growing weight of fear, you asked a question that shattered him entirely.

“where’s my mom?” you said, your voice soft, distant.

his heart stopped. the world around him blurred.

your mother. sunghoon’s throat went dry. his pulse sped up, panic seizing him. he could feel the world start to crumble around him, the pain swallowing him whole.

"where is she?" you asked again, your voice more insistent, the emptiness in your tone turning to something else now, something deeper. "are you a doctor? i want to see her. why isn’t she here? she has to know i’m okay, i don’t want her to worry." you spoke, urging him, not even asking why you were in a hospital bed.

it had been years. years since she died, right before your graduation. years since you stood in front of the casket, holding his hand, eyes brimming with tears. he had been there for you when your world had fallen apart, when the grief had swallowed you whole, even if you’d known him for such a small amount of time. that had been the only instance he had seen you let your emotions out around him. the only time he had seen you actually care for someone. and now, she was gone, for the second time.

sunghoon’s stomach dropped as he realized it.

you didn’t remember her death. you didn’t remember how hard you had cried that day, how the world had felt like it had fallen apart when you stood alone. now you were asking where she was as if she were just gone for the day. as if your whole heart hadn’t crumbled the day you lost her.

and the worst part? you were asking the question, but you weren’t asking him, the one person who had been there for you, to help you understand. you were asking him like he was a stranger, a figure in the background.

his heart squeezed painfully as his breath hitched in his throat. “y/n…” his voice cracked, but he forced himself to continue, his eyes welling with tears. "she’s gone. your mom… she’s been gone for so long. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry, but she’s… she’s never coming back."

at that, something in you seemed to break.

something raw. your lips trembled as your gaze dropped, and your hands began to shake slightly. it was the second time he had seen any sign of emotion from you. your expression hardened for a moment, then softened, and before sunghoon could react, the first tear slipped from your eye.

he watched, in stunned silence, as the single drop fell, and then another followed, and another. and then, your body trembled, your chest heaving as a deep, broken sob escaped you. the sound broke him, cracked through the shell of numbness that had been surrounding you, and in an instant, you were crying, completely unraveling in front of him.

you didn’t remember the pain you’d gone through when she left you. but the truth of it, the horror of knowing your mother was gone, hit you with a brutal force now.

sunghoon stood frozen, his heart breaking in his chest as he watched you collapse into grief, your body shaking violently with sobs. the sight of it tore through him. the rawness of your sorrow was more real than anything.

you were grieving her all over again. you were grieving her, but this time, you were alone. even if you hadn’t cared about him, he was still there. now, he was a complete nobody to you.

sunghoon’s hand hovered, trembling, over your shoulder, desperate to offer some kind of comfort, some reassurance. but he hadn’t expected what happened next.

as his fingers brushed against your skin, you flinched violently, pulling away from him as though his touch burned. your body jerked in a sharp, panicked movement, your breath quickening as if he had just committed some unspeakable betrayal.

"don't fucking touch me!" you screamed, your voice raw, frantic, full of a sudden, terrifying rage that sunghoon wasn’t prepared for. "what did you do to her? what did you do to my mommy?!" you looked like a little kid, lost in a store, full of despair, alone, abandoned.

the words cut through the room like a blade, the accusation hanging in the air like a toxic cloud. sunghoon recoiled instinctively, the weight of your words crashing over him, leaving him stunned, speechless. he could barely process the intensity of your pain, the sheer volume of the fury radiating from you.

you were trembling, your eyes wide with fear, with anger, tears streaming down your face as you turned away from him, trying to scramble back in the bed, as though the very sight of him made your skin crawl.

"tell me what you did!" your voice cracked, jagged with despair and confusion. "what did you do to her? why did you, why did you let her go?!”

it was as though a switch had flipped inside you, a madness born from your trauma, your loss. you had lost your memories, but you were still trapped in the suffocating grief of a daughter who couldn't comprehend the finality of death. the very foundation of your identity was crumbling. and now, in this panic-stricken haze, sunghoon became the focal point of all your rage, all your hurt.

"why isn’t she here?" you clawed at the sheets, your hands shaking with the intensity of your breakdown. "where is she? i need her! now! what did you do?!”

your voice echoed in the sterile room, the frantic energy in your words tearing at the walls, until the room felt too small for the fury you unleashed. you were looking at him now, not with any recognition, but with venom, as if he had been the one to tear your world apart.

sunghoon stood frozen, his heart hammering in his chest. it was a punch he hadn’t expected. the weight of your accusations landing on him with suffocating force. he opened his mouth to speak, to explain, but the words wouldn’t come. how could he explain that you didn’t even remember your mother’s death? how could he make you understand that he wasn’t the one who had taken her from you?

his eyes welled up with fresh tears, but he bit his lip to hold them back, shaking his head desperately. "y/n, please. i didn’t do anything. i’m not, i never hurt her," he said, his voice cracking with the weight of his own sorrow. he didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to calm you, how to help you make sense of the pain that was consuming you.

but the words didn’t reach you. you weren’t listening anymore. the madness in your eyes was too much, too overwhelming, and your voice only grew louder, more frantic.

"you’re lying! you’re lying to me!" you screamed, pulling at your hair, your face contorted in anguish. "you’re trying to cover it up! you’re lying! you’re lying!"

the madness in your eyes was suffocating, and sunghoon felt helpless, absolutely powerless to do anything but watch as you spiraled, consumed by grief and fear. you don’t remember her, but you remember the pain. you remember the loss. and now you’re looking for someone to blame.

the room felt smaller, air thinner, suffocating. he wanted to reach for you again, to hold you, to tell you that he hadn’t done anything to hurt you or your mother, but you were too lost, too far gone in the grip of your overwhelming grief. he took a step forward, but before he could get any closer, the door to the room flew open.

several doctors rushed in, their voices immediately cutting through the madness.

"we need to sedate her," one of them said urgently, his face a mask of professional concern. it was jungwon’s father. "she’s going into a severe emotional breakdown. we need to calm her down now before she hurts herself."

"no!" you screamed, your voice cracking with pure terror as the doctors tried to gently restrain you, to keep you from thrashing about. "don’t touch me! don’t touch me! just being my mommy please! i need her! what’s happening?!" you begged, being ignored constantly.

the doctors moved quickly, efficiently, as they administered an injection to calm you down. you screamed for a moment longer, your body still writhing beneath their hold, but the sedative began to take effect almost immediately. your breathing slowed, your cries turned into soft sobs, and the frantic movements of your body slowed to a near-stillness.

sunghoon stood in the corner of the room, numb, his entire body frozen as he watched the scene unfold. his hands shook violently at his sides, his chest tight with a crushing weight of despair. you were no longer the girl he had once known. you were a stranger, lost in a storm of confusion and grief, and there was nothing he could do to bring you back.

the doctor turned to him then, their expression sympathetic, but firm. "she’s experiencing severe memory loss due to the trauma of the accident. we’ll need to run more tests, but she’s clearly in distress. she’s reliving her grief, and it’s manifesting in these violent outbursts. her mind is trying to make sense of what’s happened, but she can’t understand it. she’s lost."

sunghoon’s knees buckled, and he sank into the nearest chair, his head falling into his hands as fresh tears poured down his face.

you didn’t remember him. you didn’t remember your mother. if you didn’t remember both. there was no one else in your life. you were completely alone.

you were lost.

you were slipping away from him, piece by piece, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. because you would have never let him. he didn’t care if he was important enough to be remembered, that didn’t matter anymore.

the room had gone eerily silent, the only sounds the soft beeping of machines and the faint rustling of the doctors movements. sunghoon could barely breathe through the suffocating weight of the situation. he had always known that losing you would break him, but he hadn’t realized how completely it would shatter him until now.

his eyes were fixed on you, still lying in the bed, sedated now, but your face was a mask of innocence, frozen in that moment of pure loss. you looked so young, so fragile.

the doctors were still in the room, their voices quiet but filled with a clinical understanding that sunghoon could barely grasp.

“she’s in an acute state of dissociative amnesia,” doctor yang explained, looking at the chart in his hands, speaking to sunghoon but also to the team around them. “it’s not uncommon with traumatic injuries like the ones she sustained in the accident. but we’re also seeing something else.”

sunghoon’s gaze flickered to the familiar doctor, confused and lost in a fog of grief. his throat was tight, his mind struggling to make sense of what was happening. “what else?” he whispered hoarsely, his voice broken.

“the trauma to her brain has caused a significant regression,” the doctor continued, his voice softening slightly, as if trying to cushion the blow. “she’s reverted back to her mental state from when she was in her senior year possibly. she’s essentially lost a part of herself. emotionally and cognitively, she’s been pulled back to that time. before all of this. before everything that’s happened in the last few years.”

sunghoon felt his chest tighten at the words. senior year? back to senior year? the words felt like a cruel joke, a twisting knife in the very heart of his memory.

“how is that even possible?” he asked weakly, his voice trembling. “how could she… forget everything? how could she forget me?… scratch that, she doesn’t even remember her mother.”

doctor yang gave a slow nod, clearly understanding the pain in sunghoon’s voice. "it’s common in cases of severe trauma," he explained. "in some cases, the mind protects itself by essentially 'erasing' the time that feels too painful. for her, that means the death of her mother, and perhaps… everything that came after. it’s as if she’s rewound the clock, mentally returning to that phase in her life. the person she was when she was 17."

sunghoon couldn’t move. he couldn’t think. his world had just collapsed in on itself.

“her emotional development since that time is disconnected,” the doctor continued gently. “she’s essentially stuck in that version of herself. the girl she was before all the trauma, before the grief of losing her mother, before all the years you two have spent together. she may not even remember who you are, or if she does, it might be as some vague figure from her past, someone she used to know.”

the words felt like they were smothering sunghoon. his heart pounded in his chest as the doctor’s voice seemed to echo in his head. the girl she was when she was 17.

that girl, the one who had barely spoken to him beyond pleasantries, the one who had brushed him off time and time again, the one who didn’t seem to see him for the years he spent loving her. that girl who knew he would walked behind her every day.

a sudden coldness washed over him. there was a difference between you at this age, and you in high school. back when you were 17, you were an emotional wreck, everyone’s feelings were a game to you. and even if you still had some of those traits now, no amount of mean comments would take away the years he had been by your side.

“is there any chance she’ll come back?” sunghoon’s voice cracked with the question. the word ‘come back’ felt like the ultimate lie on his lips. come back from what? as if you were totally different to him.

the doctor looked at him with sad, tired eyes. "it’s difficult to say. memory loss from trauma like this is unpredictable. she may remember parts of her past, pieces of her life, or she may not. but it's important to understand that right now... she’s not the person she was. she’s stuck in a moment of her life that’s far behind, and all the years since then. your relationship, her grief, everything. are inaccessible to her. it’s like waking up from a dream and finding that nothing has changed, that you’re still in the same place you were before."

sunghoon’s stomach twisted painfully as the words settled in, cold and harsh. you didn’t remember anything. from the years that had passed. your mother’s death. your shared time together. your love, his love for you.

and now, you were a ghost from the past, frozen at the moment when everything had seemed relatively simpler, when your heart hadn’t yet been broken by life, when the world had yet to show you how much pain it could cause. the girl you had once been, so egoistic, so unknowing. and yet, somehow, so much more alive than the hollow shell of yourself that lay before him now.

sunghoon let his head fall into his hands, his whole body shaking with silent sobs. how did we get here? why is this happening? he had fought for you for so long. he had been there when no one else was. he had endured your coldness, your indifference, always telling himself that one day, you would realize.

but now, standing in this sterile room, staring at the broken version of you who couldn’t even remember her own mother, he wondered if he was even real to you anymore.

you were lost to him. and in so many ways, he had lost you long before the crash. but this was a pain unlike anything he had ever felt. you had always been distant, but now, you were gone entirely, unable to see him as the one who had loved you, as the one who had held you when you cried, as the one who had always been there.

"you don’t remember me," sunghoon whispered to himself, as if speaking the words would somehow make them less true. "you don’t remember anything. you’re just... gone."

the doctor’s words seemed to fade into the background as sunghoon stood there, overwhelmed by a wave of emotion so deep it almost consumed him. you had finally slipped away, and there was nothing left of the person he had loved so desperately.

and for the first time, he realized that even if you woke up, even if you remembered, even if you somehow found your way back to him. it wouldn’t change the fact that you never once felt love for him.

the sun was gentle, casting soft golden rays through the canopy of a massive tree. its branches reached wide, stretching into the sky as if welcoming the warmth of the spring day. the ground was dotted with delicate flowers, the air crisp with the scent of new life, the kind of serenity that only spring could offer. you were sitting underneath that tree, the soft breeze playing with the hem of your dress, your fingers grazing the grass beneath you. everything felt still, yet alive. an ethereal peace wrapped around you like a gentle hug.

your heart felt light, unburdened by the heaviness of the world, untouched by time. you had forgotten where you were or what had come before, but you felt a warmth that seemed to seep into your very bones. for a moment, everything made sense.

then, a rustling came from the tall, golden plants that stretched in a field before you. your breath caught in your throat.

the air shifted, the breeze growing stronger as you stood, your eyes scanning the distance. through the swaying plants, a figure emerged, small and bounding toward you. it was a dog, running full speed, its fur glistening like gold in the sunlight. a wave of joy crashed over you as you recognized him.

tudor.

your childhood dog, the one who had followed you everywhere when you were young, with his golden locks, warm eyes, and boundless love. he had always known how to make you feel safe, even when the world seemed too big, too overwhelming.

tudor reached you in a blur of motion. his paws landed gently on your chest as he jumped into your arms, licking your face with affection, as if greeting you after years of absence. tears welled in your eyes as you hugged him, feeling the warmth of his body against yours. it had been so long, you had forgotten how his presence could make you feel so loved, so at home. though you had felt something similar to that love.

and then, another figure appeared.

a woman walked slowly toward you, her steps measured, graceful, as if the earth itself was cradling her. she had the same complexion as you, the same soft glow to her skin, but she was older, more radiant, as though she had lived many lives in her time. her eyes, those eyes, locked with yours, full of love, of understanding. she was so much like you, yet so different.

it was like looking into a mirror, yet seeing someone far more complete than you could ever feel. she was so full of life, so warm, so alive.

“mom?” the word slipped from your lips like a prayer, and she smiled, soft, peaceful, as though she had been waiting for this moment.

“mom!” you stepped toward her, your heart thundering, tears pooling in your eyes. it wasn’t just the joy of seeing her again, but the relief, the sense of home that flooded through you. you couldn’t stop yourself. you dropped to your knees and threw your arms around her, burying your face in her chest. she held you tight, her arms wrapping around you like the most familiar embrace. it was as though all the years of longing, of missing her, had vanished in that instant. you had finally come home.

you felt something delicate in her hands, and she gently placed a white rose in your hair. you giggled, the sound light and free, as though the burden of the world had been lifted from your shoulders. everything was perfect here, warmth, love, family.

but then, more figures appeared, joining the two of you. your father, grandparents, aunts, uncles. all there, gathered around you, their faces full of warmth, their eyes full of love. they surrounded you, welcoming you into something new, so full of love, full of peace, full of home.

you closed your eyes, the sense of belonging overwhelming you. this was where you were meant to be. this was the place you had always been searching for.

everything grew still. the warmth faded, replaced by the coldness of reality.

“you’re still so close, but yet so far…”

sunghoon was kneeling at a grave. his hands trembled as he placed a bouquet of white roses down on the ground, his eyes red from crying, his body heavy with grief. he didn’t understand why life had been so cruel to him. he had loved you, loved you with everything he had. but it had never been enough.

you hadn’t loved him. you had forgotten him, lost yourself to time and trauma. and then, when things seemed to be getting better, complications had taken you away from him, too soon, too violently. sunghoon stared at the gravestone, his fingers brushing the cold stone.

but then, he realized something, the weight of it crashing over him. he wasn’t angry. he wasn’t bitter. he was simply thankful.

you had found peace. you had found your mother again, found your way back to the ones who truly loved you. that was all that mattered. you were free of the pain. you could finally rest.

because after all this time, he will always love you more than you could yourself. that was his goal, and he was happy that he did his best to show you love.

and then, there was you. you were looking down at him. from wherever you were, you could see his grief, feel the weight of it in your chest. but more than that, you could feel the love. the love you had always felt for him, that you had always known was there. you loved him so much. more than you had ever known. he was enough for you, more than it.

but you had pushed him away. because you couldn’t bear to see him suffer as you had. you didn’t want him to be dragged down the path of destruction, not like you had. you didn’t want him to drown in the pain of loving someone who couldn’t show any emotion beyond anger back, who had been broken beyond repair.

you had to let him go. even if it tore you apart, you had to let him go. for his sake. because you did love him.

perhaps, one day, you would reunite. and when that time came, he wouldn’t be a stranger to you anymore. you would remember everything. the love, the pain, the mistakes, and the healing. and when that day came, you would hold him again, this time knowing how deeply you had always loved him.

and so, with a quiet sigh, you let yourself rest, knowing that he would be okay. because, somewhere in your heart, you knew that love would find its way back to you, whenever the time was right.

MASTERLIST.

"l'existence précède l'essence" is a central motto of existentialism meaning that existence precedes essence. this means that man exists first, emerges in the world and then defines himself. this phrase inverts the traditional philosophical view that the essence of a thing is more fundamental than its existence.

æ is formed, based on all the data that you have uploaded and interacted everywhere, whether it’s pictures, music, websites, or videos. it is formed into something very much like yourself.

but just because it’s made of your data, doesn’t mean it’s you. though it comes incredibly close in your case. you have always thought about yourself as transparent. you are online how you are offline, hotheaded, to your own ideas.

though you had to admit that, you are never going to keep being that same y/n you are now, with time, people change. and what worried you, is that your æ wouldn’t.

“ningning?- ah!-” you tumbled to the ground, as she threw herself to you, a bit too excited, you had to say. she grabbed you by the shoulders, forcing you to sit correctly.

“are you crazy? bike race?!” she exclaimed.

your eyes widened when she pointed to the tv behind her, where the news of a girl racing police through the city on her motorcycle made the headlines, after escaping an illegal race.

“what, me? you think she looks like me?” you scoffed, pushing yourself off of the ground, helping your friend up.

ninging wore something that could describe her personality, artistic and expressive. the latter was something she did show off a lot.

“i do think so,” ningning crossed her arms, tapping her foot on the marble floor.

your arms dropped, as you dragged yourself next to the big screen, almost feeling proud about it. “see? her technique is all wrong, she looks too… rushed?”

“yes because you were escaping from the police, anyone would feel rushed,” she rose her brows at you, making it almost impossible to say something back.

“in my opinion,” you heard a voice behind you. completely forgetting your devices had familiarity with ningning electronics, from all the bluetooth connections in the past.

æ-yn floated on the screen, imitating your movements, as she got replaced on the video, and was now riding your bike. “she looks really cool, nothing like y/n,” she slid on your helmet.

“and you look really dumb now, just because you’re æ-yn, it doesn’t mean you can be as good as me with these things,” you replied back, pettily, making her gasp. ningning let out a laugh at your banter, finding funny how her relationship with æ-ninging was much different to yours.

“you two are a handful,” she sighed, and then remembered what she was doing. “oh! y/n, i need you to get some things for me to this one person who bought my art,” she ran off in some direction, her little boot-heels clicking on the floor.

you looked at your æ with a confused face, and she only shrugged. it was almost like you were the official errand girl, all because you had a quick ride.

“here, woah!” she came back with a handful of canvases, all of different sizes, almost tripping on air, but being able to catch herself.

“what if i say no,” you groaned, looking at your æ for some backup, but she only shrugged, and disappeared, leaving you with this problem.

“you can’t,” ningning poked her head from the side, her entire upper body being covered by paintings, “you already promised.” she sang.

“i did?” you scrunched your nose, “but what about the thing?”

“what thing?” ningning looked puzzled, blinking.

“the painting expo hacking thing,” you reminded her, as her face brightened up, “oh that thing! yeah i’m still doing it,” she smiled proudly, swaying from side to side.

“oh ningning,” you whined, finally understanding the misunderstanding, “i thought you invited me over to see that, not to help you deliver packages.” you dragged your words with laze.

“oh y/n,” she whined back, mocking you, “that’s too bad, you’re going to have to find out how it went on the news, just like i did with your bike race.” she winked, knowing she won the banter.

“but-” you were going to say, until she handed you all the canvases, making you stumble on your own footing, securing the paintings in your arms.

“now, æ-ningning will send the address to æ-yn for her to guide you, they’re all going to the same place,” ningning grabbed her phone, sending a synk message.

“okay…” you grumbled, “i’ll see you later, hopefully npt with another similar situation,” you started to head out of the studio, a bit disappointed for not getting to see ningning’s plan on the big screen.

she ran over, opening the door for you, and saying goodbye in a cheery tone, before letting you out.

going down the same stairs, you reached the lonely lobby, and stood outside in the street, thinking about how you were going to transport everything.

taking out a long rope from a compartment on your bike, you used it to tie all the canvases like a present tie, and then took two ends of the rope, tying it on your back. you made sure none would fall out or that the knots were lose before sitting down.

placing your helmet on, the sound of the system connecting ran through, a following voice. “are you sure that’s safe?”

“i’m alright,” you replied, placing your hands on your thighs, waiting for the map to connect.

“yeah i don’t care, i’m talking about the canvases,” æ-yn remarked, making you irk at her comment, “you know? sometimes you have to learn to keep your mouth shut, or your pixels, whatever,” you huffed, the helmet screen projecting a map.

“whatever you say,” she yawned, leaning on the edge of the screen, observing the road. “this is the fastest route, but be careful, it’s already very dark-”

“i can see that-”

“so, turn on your lights,” she smiled smugly, as you had forgotten to. “please.”

you did so, not without rolling your eyes, and went on your way to the place ningning had instructed you to.

it was a strangely secluded place out of the city, but it wasn’t far, you’ve heard about it. and now, visiting it at night, made you feel everything but safe.

the well-lit streets and nice buildings slowly turned into numerous alleys, and berated brick walls, a small rain had started, making the road a bit slippery too. you had to cover the canvases with your jacket to make sure they didn’t get ruined.

lamppost lights flickered over you, adding an eerie feel to the small voice in your head that told you to get out of here as soon as possible.

you were a few minutes away from your destination, no more than ten, when something strange happened, making you stop your bike.

the helmet got disconnected, the screen turning entirely black. you pressed the break on your motorcycle, coming to a complete stop in the middle of the lonely street.

“that’s strange,” you mumbled, taking off your helmet to inspect it, wanting for it to just be a small error, nothing grand.

your æ’s voice made the road seem less scary until now, that it shut off. for some reason it wouldn’t turn back on, so you had to restart the system.

the lights on your helmet soon slid through its accents, letting you know it was on. placing it over your head, you watched as the screen came to life, making you meet a white logo of the headwear company.

but then, it glitched, and then it glitched again, until the screen turned black, making you lose al hope in getting it back on.

“you’ve got to be kidding,” you sighed, looking down.

and in the middle of the screen, something else appeared. a logo similar to the æ, a snake slithering through the first letter.

that was the last you heard of your æ.

the news of a massive synk out soon were in everybody’s screens. people were all over the place, panicking, being scared. they didn’t know where their æ had gone, and nobody knew how it happened.

that night, the city had been blasting messages to the æ, and calling for anybody who had information about the synk out.

it felt incredibly alone. having someone by your side, that understood you, and had your back, and then not anymore, without a reason.

“-it has been five months since the phenomenon, called synk out. forcibly disconnected synk with æ’s across the city simultaneously-”

“move out of the way,” you interrupted the video playing on a girl’s phone in the audience. she jumped, turning quickly to face you, looking up at your face.

“i’m so sorry,” she apologized, recognizing your face.

five months. it was all it took you to become one of the best and fastest motorcycle racers. you had gone against countless of people, for now, no one had been able to beat you. and that’s how you wanted it to remain. you trusted your own instincts in these races, not looking for help from anyone.

“yeah, okay, so are you moving out of the way or?” you raised a brow at her, as she had been staring at you for a some seconds.

you pushed her out, and walked towards the road, seeing the bike parked at the starting line. getting on it, you were about to place your helmet on your head until a voice spoke.

“you know, you were just like that,” heeseung said, getting on his own bike, racing for the fun of it. he had already gone against you too many times to count, and even if it was hard always coming up in second place, the money of maintaining that place was worth it.

“what are you talking about?” you placed your helmet on your lap, looking at him with confusion on your face.

he rolled his eyes, pointing to your right. your eyes turned to look at the sight. the same girl which you had pushed out of the way, filming you, as she had a poster with your name on it.

your eyes slightly widened, and you sent a senseless nod, turning back to him, “what are you talking about?”

heeseung laughed at your words, as you had repeated the same question, but now with an entirely different tone and meaning. “i remember the day we met, a scaredy young girl, still in high school, who beamed away from home to come see her older brother race,” he started, making you feel a bit of nostalgia at the memory.

it was almost like it had been yesterday. when you snuck off to go cheer on your brother’s last race. he was leaving the city for university. you had always looked up to him, as he spent little time with you, making him that ‘cool mysterious older brother’.

you were so tiny in that small crowd of tall high schoolers and college students, looking for a familiar face. when you then bumped into a racer. he looked you in the eye, confused as to why a middle school girl was here, and in your point of view, he was going to beat you up, but you still admired how cool and awesome the rider looked, even attempting to take some pictures with him.

a boy and his friends ‘saved’ you, who now you know as heeseung, sunghoon and jake. the two last never raced, they only came to support heeseung, and occasionally you.

“i wasn’t obnoxious and annoying,” you retorted, sliding your helmet on, not wanting to hear more of it.

“were you not?” heeseung laughed, reaching over to punch you lightly, making you throw him a look he could feel, even if you had the visor covering your eyes.

your attention was back on the dim light street before you, as a familiar girl excitedly stood in the middle of it. ten motorcycles were standing in front of her menacingly, as they revved their engines.

she raced her hand in the air, and you leaned forward in anticipation, your chest almost touching the front of the bike. her hand fell, and quickly, all motorcycles zoomed past her at an incredibly fast pace, like ghosts.

you were behind two bikers, easily making your way past the others who were now behind you.

this was a familiar circuit, it was the last one you had used æ-yn’s help on, the last race she had completed with you. it almost felt like a duty to come first place on this race now. as if you owed it to her.

you were fast on the first two rounds, as you had come a few days ago to become more familiar with the streets and shortcuts. now, you were driving alongside heeseung, as he had the time to salute you mockingly, always having the time of his life on races.

it was a feeling hard to describe, you just had to experience it on your own, the rush on your muscles, your ragged breath, the heat of the engine near your legs, the vibrations of the motor under your fingertips, it was all human controlled.

this was all you.

at the last lap, you were head in head with another biker, as they tried to speed up past you, successfully doing so. you leaned forward once again, panting, as your bike cut through the air, taking up more velocity.

their bike clashed against your on the side, the adrenaline making it impossible to feel any pain, you couldn’t look anywhere but ahead of you now.

it was the closest call ever, but like always, you came in first.

you were in a bliss, it felt good winning, knowing nobody could be better at this than you. the crowd swarmed around you, some congratulating you and some others challenging you, thinking they would be the ones to beat you.

in the midst of it all, you looked to the side, seeing a familiar figure leaning on a wall, and when they noticed you, they immediately went to hide behind it.

you furrowed your brows, dismissing some people without paying attention to them, as you tried to cross the street with some difficultly, there was just so many people.

you managed to pry some of them off and get away, wanting to know what this was about. as you got to the alley, two hands grabbed your jacket, pulling you closer with great force.

your back collided with the wall, making you wince, and look up at the person. “ why are you here?! what is your problem karina?!” you said in anger.

karina wore her hair down, a big jacket over her, as she stepped back with an incredulous look, “what is my problem?! what is yours?! we haven’t heard from you in months, and now we find out you’re this hardcore illegal racer?”

“i don’t like the word hardcore,” you cringed, looking to the side, “and i don’t see why it has anything to do with you, the four of you know i’ve been doing this since forever,” you spoke back.

she shook her head, clearly distraught, “yeah, well, i didn’t think throwing your life away, ignoring your friends and family was that serious to you,” she pushed her finger with blame into your chest, “and i’ve told you, not to wear shorts while racing.”

you frowned and looked down at your legs, seeing a big portion of your skin bleeding, and scratched, bruised. probably from when you crashed with the other biker side to side.

“oh my god,” you swallowed, breathing heavily, feeling as if your legs were giving out. all the adrenaline and rush made you not feel the pain, but now it coursed through you incredibly hot, making your skin feel almost burning to the touch.

“karina i’m-”

“don’t say it,” she warned.

“i’m going to die,” you wailed. ever since you were a kid, you hated getting hurt, small scars from playing outside, cuts from cooking or bumping into someone. it made you feel sick.

you’ve never broken a bone, got stung by a bee nor stepped into glass. all the time you’ve been careful not to put yourself into small harms way, except for the fact that you quite literally sit in a bike and race and do crazy life-challenging stunts.

“okay, calm down,” karina sighed, going over to your side, and looping her arm around your shoulders, “my apartment is close, let’s get you fixed up,” she smiled.

inside, she was trying not to flinch at how much your wound must hurt, from the small look she took, karina could tell it was deep, and you were likely in extreme pain right now. so she wanted to act nice to make you feel a bit light headed, and not think about pain so much.

“no, wait-” you stopped on your tracks, “i’m not going to walk all the way over there,” you scoffed, feeling as if daggers were puncturing your leg repeatedly.

“i brought my car dumbass,” she laughed, helping you to walk.

“okay.” you breathed, “okay, okay. wait!” you stopped again, now making her groan in annoyance, “what now?”

“my motorcycle! call heeseung! tell him to take it with him,” you nodded, almost vulnerable, looking up at her with teary-red eyes.

“alright,” karina reassured you, holding you closer, “i’ll let him know once we get you to my car,” she continued saying warmly.

karina did in fact call him, and even turned on the speaker, letting heeseung call you very not-nice names because you got hurt on impulse.

the ride to her apartment was quick, not more than a couple of short minutes, but it was just enough for you to fall asleep, your body not wanting to be awake to feel the pain of the wound any longer, as your muscles had also grown tired from the race.

karina made the effort to carry you upstairs, trying not to get blood on her white jeans, and even almost waking you up and having you walk all the way up there by yourself, but she didn’t.

she much preferred having your blood on her white jeans.

months ago she would have woke you up, telling you how stupid and reckless you had acted, but now, she knew just how important these raced were for you, even if it was done in a non-normative way. she respected it, and was glad that something kept you going.

once she got to her apartment, she got the help of three others to clean you up, getting the dirty clothes off and fixing up your wound the best they could, reminding themselves to take you to the hospital as soon as they could tomorrow if you got bad.

your consciousness slowly started to get back later at night. your body was incredibly sore and tired, but too much preoccupations woke up your mind.

looking around, you noticed you were in karina’s living room, on her couch. trying to stand up, your leg instantly started burning, and you looked down to see it wrapped in a bandage, a bit of blood leaking through the white.

you had a big shirt on, with some rockets and spaceships printed on it, and a pair of cookie monster shorts on. aside from that, the tv was on, and you noticed four pair of shoes by the doorway.

“fuck no…” you whispered, knowing exactly who was in the apartment with you right now.

you had a feeling it was past midnight and they were asleep, as no noises coursed the apartment apart from your heavy breathing, so it was okay to assume you were safe to go get water.

slowly walking in your heels, you made your way to the kitchen, trying to feel around for the cups cabinet, and as if luck had completely vanished from your side, you dropped a handful of things that came tumbling down to the ground, making a loud continuous noise of metal clashing against each other.

“of course,” you grumbled, soon hearing a light turn on from a bedroom, as someone came out from it.

you dropped to the floor, hiding behind the kitchen isle, as winter came closer to the kitchen, looking around confusedly, not being able to spot what had made the noise.

cursing to yourself for the inconvenient hiding spot, your leg started to hurt even more. it was too much pain to tolerate. so you had to stand up abruptly, scaring the girl standing right on the other side of the kitchen isle.

“ahhhhh!” winter swung at you with her hand, but you stopped her, grabbing her wrist, “stop! it’s me!”

winter blinked, and stepped back, looking at the living room, where your previous resting spot was left alone, “oh, you’re up,” she spoke calmly, her heart beating quickly from the scare.

“yeah i’m up,” you turned around, now having enough illumination to be able to get a cup of water, and pick up everything you dropped.

“you’re not really quiet,” winter giggled, dragging out a chair from underneath the counter, jumping on it, “but again, you’ve always been rowdy.” she pouted.

“uh huh,” you replied back, not really interested, not wanting to face her, nor the rest any time soon.

you turned on the tap, watching as the water infuriatingly slowly filled the cup. your finger tapped against the side of it, as if to hurry it up.

“oh hey,” winter spoke, her voice tired, as you heard another pair of footsteps come into the kitchen.

“winter? y/n? why are you two up?” ningning yawned, and then remembered, “wait, y/n, what about your-”

“yes, it hurts,” you turned off the tap, and turned to them. both looked a bit different. ningning’s hair lighter, and winter had cute it shorter, also making it darker, like chocolate.

“then why are you up?” ningning shook her head, a few pieces of hair falling down to her face. you raised your water, that being your answer.

that was always your answer. absolutely nothing.

for months they have been trying to get closer to you. the day ningning sent you out to deliver the canvases, was the last they saw of that y/n. in essence you were still her, but you had changed, as people do with time.

with no æ around, you were just you. no y/n and æ-yn, anymore at least. and with all your winnings, you felt as if it was for the better, the synk out. it wasn’t that you had thought of getting rid of your æ. that though never even once crossed your mind, but it was nice not relying on her, but relying on the actual you.



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