tina.tulina

One of the most heartbreaking things that can happen in tbc is Jeremy calling Noah his baby brother when he finally opens up about it. “I was out getting high when my baby brother needed me the most.”

I know it’s been said but pipe dream is such a crazy thing to call someone Andrew really said you are an unobtainable fantasy that I foolishly desire and it went right over Neil’s head

#I understand why he had enough and just told Neil he would blow him (via @prettyboyneil)

Swear jar concept but instead of it being for curses Neil has to pay up anytime he says “I’m fine”

without a second thought, Neil grabs every new candy he spots on the shelf and tosses it onto the checkout counter for Andrew. a new candy bar, a chocolate with an unfamiliar flavor, a limited-edition release, if Neil hasn’t seen it before, it somehow ends up in Andrew’s hands, accompanied by a casual, “I just saw it. Tell me what you think.” Andrew never asks him to. Neil simply can’t help himself.

I like to believe that if Wymack and Andrew ever talked about whatever was going on between Andrew and Neil, the conversation would’ve gone something like this: “I’m old, not blind,” Wymack would say. “I can tell something happened between the two of you.” and Andrew would answer, “Something. But it’s still nothing.” Nothing. he doesn’t deny that there’s something between them. he never actually lies about it. he simply reduces it to nothing. nothing—for Wymack. but that’s the thing. Andrew has always wanted nothing. and Neil is Nothing.

Something that really irks me is when in fic or in fandom in general is andrew being written as if he still considers his relationship with neil nothing post Baltimore. When after Baltimore thats seems unlikely just because he was so obviously and undeniably affected that he can no longer lie to himself and he won’t to neil either. Like i thought that was the whole point right? it finalizes both their arcs, neil becomes real and andrew gets to have what he wants safely.

we talk a lot about how much of a revelation andrew’s confession is for neil, and not enough about how revelatory neil’s reaction is for andrew. because like. imagine you like this boy. but he doesn’t swing. you know the answer would be “no,” so there’s no point in even asking. then he goes and gets himself needlessly tortured for you, and tells you there’s no amount of suffering he wouldn’t endure for you. not because he thinks you’re weak, but because he thinks you’re worth protecting. he says things that you would interpret as advances if it were literally anyone else. you remind yourself that he doesn’t swing. now you’re at eden’s and he’s asking about your feelings for him in 12 different ways. he really wants to know. so you tell him, in the most casual and crass way you can, thinking that’ll put an end to it. but unfathomably, it doesn’t. he asks you why you didn’t tell him. why would you have? it would have been a “no.” you say that, and instead of confirming it, he just echoes your words, clearly still reeling. you start to leave, and he tells you that he wants to keep playing your game. while the absence of a “no” is obviously not the same thing as a “yes,” you’ve been operating for months and months under the assumption that the answer would be unequivocal. so you keep waiting for that answer, but it never comes. for the first time since you met him, you wonder if maybe it’s not a “no” after all. if maybe you could have this. you can’t remember the last time you were able to have something you wanted. the world tilting on its axis, indeed.

every time Andrew wants to look out the airplane window, he instinctively reaches for Neil’s knee/hip beside him. he simply rests a hand on Neil’s leg before leaning toward the window, and only then can he bring himself to look outside without his breath catching (or at least not as badly). knowing there’s something solid and familiar beside him, something he can touch, is enough to keep him grounded.