I still pray for you.

oh, Oklahoma... you often sneak into my mind. I know it wasn’t ever anything serious for you. that you’ve probably forgotten me long ago. that wasn’t the case for me. you were my first kiss. the first time a boy showed me real attention, and made me feel good. I know it wasn’t with sincerity, and if we’re being honest... you warned me. warned me of the heartbreak. that you wouldn’t be good for me. that I would find someone else who was better than you. you were right. but I still haven’t found someone else. that part is taking a little longer. maybe that’s why you creep into my mind so often. when the loneliness seeps in, it takes me back to the time we spent together. I cling to the memories. it’s not healthy. I find myself triggered by the smallest things... every time I see bright headlights, I think of when I was driving you home and the truck behind us had it’s brights on. you moved my rear view mirror to shine back at them, and they turned them off. when I’m putting gas in my car... I think of the time that we stopped at the gas station. I went to pump my gas, but you beat me to it. I had never had anyone do that for me before, and I melted. you even shook the nozzle to shake out all the gas, and I still do that to this day. and how you taught me to crack the front windows in the car when the back one is down to avoid that dreadful noise you get when they aren’t. the many songs that trigger a thought of you, which leads to so many more. the night when I had just a small bit of “love you like that” stuck in my head and for some reason was provoked to sing it out loud while laying next to you, then you sang the next line back. I play that memory on repeat. I remember you telling me about the girl that you spent your first intimate moments with, and how every girl since has been a comparison to her. I remember my heart breaking because I wasn’t her, but not being willing to give up. all I ever wanted was you. the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m still thankful that I didn’t give you all of me. especially with how weak I was for you. I remember the distress and fear I felt when I saw that you had been shot in the head three times after you had moved back to Oklahoma. I couldn’t believe that you had lived through it, and without any serious issues. God graced you immensely that night. overall, I understand that you weren’t God’s plan for me. I wanted to love you, but you never let me have the chance. God must have known that I needed you to make the choice the cut things off for me, so that my heart would be led back to him. I would be lying if I said I don’t check on you now and then... I don’t think you are doing your best. my heart hurts for you, and I pray that you find strength in God to fight your demons. I need to let you go. I need to let go of what I wish we could have been. goodbye to memories that I’ve romanticized in my head because we both know that you didn’t care for me the way I cared for you. It’s time for me to put the heartache away. I just pray that I’m able to. my best wishes to you in every step of life. I pray that you come out of whatever you are going through on top because I will always care for you. amen.

I'm getting bad again. I was doing so much better, I thought I was going to get to be happy. like a real happy. I had my friends, I got signed up to start at a trade school, and everything was good. I didn't think things could be good, I was right. because I mess up everything. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve life. I want to trade places with that baby or at least go be with him. why can't God take me now. I'm more afraid of dying and not being with God than I am of living. but living keeps getting worse and worse. I always screw up, I have so many thoughts running through my head. I cried so hard I couldn't control myself. I got the lighter again. I made another mark. I don't know how to handle these emotions. they feel so bottled up inside and I might burst. what do I do. I'm not good enough for life. I'm such a mess up.

today I posted this picture on a website today and received a negative comment about myself and my weight. at first it made me go red and I was so embarrassed. but I took a second and did not delete their rude comment, nor did I respond in a negative way. but I know I can't be the only one to experience something like this, I'm trying my best to recover and my opinion of me affects myself more than anyone else's. only when I get in my own head do I get bad and hate myself. but when others insult me it just drives me to love myself more so I can say SCREW YOU to those hating. never let anyone, especially some random speck of a person online hurt you in any way by insulting you or something about you. let their hate fuel your way to learn to love yourself.💕