what people miss about these yaoi/yuri/het debates is that it isn't about dictating what people must ship to be considered progressive; it's about analyzing how wide societal trends and bigotries show up even in fandom spaces. YOU get to decide what to do with that information.
By pointing this stuff out, people hope to inspire self-reflection about how you engage with different dynamics. Asking things like, "Why can't you see the guy with a black woman?" or, "Why can't you connect with f/f ships?" or, "Why do you consider masc x fem f/f or m/m heteronormative?" It's a prompt, not an attack on your ships or character.
Imo, asking "is het, yaoi or yuri the most progressive?" is a silly endeavor. Misogyny and racism show up in all three dynamics. How many times have we seen 'big masculine barbaric darker character x pale waifish feminine classy character' in m/f, m/m and f/f ships? How common are het ships where the man doesn't even seem to like the woman? Or where the female love interest is treated like a reward for the man? How frequently do stories push aside female characters to highlight male ones, whether the main pairing is m/f, m/m or f/f?
As for the shippers, I've seen a lot of misogyny from m/f shippers AND m/m shippers over the years. Not as much from the f/f side, but it crops up there too. I've seen quite a bit of homophobia from m/f shippers (less from f/f and m/m)*. With racism in particular, I've observed it from ALL parties; whether towards the poc love interest 'in the way' of an m/m (or even m/f or f/f!) ship, or towards the poc within any pairing.
*I think there needs to be distinction between queer people +allies who like m/f vs the overwhelmingly straight audience who hold varying degrees of homophobia
It's highly situational and these racist and/or misogynistic and/or homophobic portrayals and behaviors deserve to be discussed openly without people immediately getting defensive or trying to "out-progressive" each other.
...and it's not lost on me that this current batch of discourse started regarding misogynoir of m/m shippers towards a black female love interest.