too late for beginnings.

⌠ MILENA TSCHARNTKE, 22, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, MATILDA “TILLY” LONGFELLOW! according to their records, they’re a SECOND year, specializing in COVERT OPERATIONS + MEDICAL TRAINING; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (perfectly ironed skirts, legs crossed at the ankles & a tiffany charm bracelet). when it’s the (cancer)’s birthday on 06/21/1997, they always request their RASPBERRY CHOCOLATE SWISS ROLL from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation.

– BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING EVA HAS BEEN THROUGH with her parents, with mr. stewart, with her past relationships, she has come to believe that love is like war. always fighting, always trying to WIN or to prove something. being around tilly is more like peace. she wishes she knew what to do with a gentle and good without ruining it, but she feels like a forest fire that doesn’t know how to stop at a spark. “ yeah, maybe. maybe i’m an idiot for trying to make every single place my home, for trying to think of it as permanent, like…i’m putting too much pressure on the specific place and it just freaks out, ” she’s talking sort of freely now, not putting thought before she speaks and personifies places themselves, but tilly has always been one to roll with her stream of consciousness thoughts. eva doesn’t judge, though only because she doesn’t really know, “ i haven’t seen twilight, ” she admits sheepishly, but of course she hasn’t because she’s pretentious and wrote it off without even opening it. “ but it sounds nice, actually. if i was a vampire, i’d obviously have the best library. ” because that’s what she’d choose to spend eternal life on. her expression warms quickly at tilly’s sentiment. “ i think that’s…probably the most kind and incredible thing anyone’s ever said to me, ” eva laughs, and she will write it in her notebook later : you deserve a real library. “ um, i don’t know. is it even possible for us to break up ? ” she hadn’t anticipated people like tilly, people who make it hard to disappear…but eva finds it hard to believe that she could leave tilly’s life forever, not when the way she entered it seemed so natural.

– “YEAH, MAYBE SO. i guess it’s just scary to think that i’ll keep moving on, looking for my place and…i’ll just always be looking, ” eva admits, exhaling softly. it’s a difficult time to be thinking about all of this now, her fears of the future or desires to want to belong somewhere. she’d thought that place could be caledonia, everything mr. stewart had promised her had seemed to make that possible, but now it sounds more like a pipe dream. and it’s that very same belief in beautiful promises that has gotten her into this mess, cole conner locked up in gallagher’s basement and eva scrambling with what to do. eva feels like tilly has placed her faith and adoration in the wrong person, because she still doesn’t feel quite whole…and with pieces of herself missing, she doesn’t know how to fully give herself to someone else. still, it doesn’t change the fact that she could dream about lake houses, beautiful libraries, and secluded portions of the woods with tilly all day. it’s the sort of conversation she’d like to have laid out on a picnic blanket in the sunshine rather than in gallagher’s auditorium with anxiety rising in her chest. “ i like that idea, i think…well, if i was going to settle down somewhere, there would need to be a lot of trees. there was this big library in the house where i grew up, but it was so…stuffy, you know what i mean ? my father’s books were antiques, special editions, a real collection that i wasn’t supposed to touch because the oils on my hands would ruin them. i’d never want a library like that, one that you could only look at. it always made me feel so sad, ” she explains. that exemplified a lot of what her parents were like, so many things about them were for show. eva’s expression softens at the sentiment, she can hear her own heartbeat in her ears. she’s never felt like she was SUPPOSED to be in anyone’s life, more so that she was an accident, a puzzle piece jammed in the wrong spot. tilly’s right, though, she’s never felt that way around her. “ i know. you’re the best friend i’ve ever had, ” she says. if she manages to get out of this scot-free, it’s pretty impossible to think that she wouldn’t try to find tilly again someday. “ thank you. ” 

steve is internally screaming but his face is still as plain as a blank canvas. “ have you spoken to her? ” he won’t be visiting the sublevels, but it hasn’t stopped him from thinking about it. doesn’t feel like he’s allowed to be concerned when he’s the reason she’s there in the first place. “ it’s definitely been a long year. ”

– EVA SMILES SLIGHTLY, not saying anything because tilly paints a pretty picture with her words, a picture that eva would like to get lost in if she would. “ that’d be very northern exposure of me, wouldn’t it ? there’s a charm in small towns, i agree with you, ” there’s a shine in her eyes, because it’s daydreaming to imagine herself happy and content ANYWHERE, and she wonders what it’s like to go somewhere and really feel like you fit in. “ i’m just scared, i guess. the idea of feeling like…anywhere is HOME feels almost fictional to me, i’m not sure what would make me happy. ” though she supposes the most she’s ever felt at home at gallagher has been with tilly, whether they’re curled up reading someplace or talking animatedly about the things that they read. there is a blanket of acceptance that comes with being tilly’s friend that she hasn’t known anywhere else, and she does feel like she screwed that up a little bit. friendship is a complicated thing, even more so when it becomes…more than that. and she knows that tilly says it doesn’t matter, but eva wonders if it does. “ i do love the water, ” she sighs dreamily. “ a lake house doesn’t sound so bad, for a while. i’ve also never tried camping, not authentically, and maybe i’d enjoy it, but…i also think i might be too posh. ” she laughs, she certainly likes the idea of living in the woods but realistically she might miss common comforts, like an air conditioner. eva does feel GUILTY when tilly speaks, that unfamiliar feeling that’s becoming more and more familiar as her year at gallagher winds down, a darkness creeping in and settling under her ribcage with the other mistakes she’s made. maybe she didn’t feel it so heavy when there weren’t as many, but now it feels like it presses down on her chest, that weight. she didn’t mean to give tilly something to look forward to only to take it away. “ i’m sorry, ” her expression is downcast, “ i guess that’s probably the worst way that i’ve deceived you. i didn’t know how to tell you that…i was temporary. maybe because i didn’t want to be. ” 

       “  𝚒𝚝’𝚜  𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚢  𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝  the  endorphins  talking  ,  ”  fallon  chuckles  .  “  kinda  like  getting  runner’s  high  .  ”  given  how  much  she  trains  ,  she’s  learned  to  like  and  enjoy  exercising  .  “  in  hindsight  yeah  ,  it  is  a  lot  of  work  .  it’s  only  taken  me  this  long  to  build  up  the  habit  of  working  out  almost  every  single  day  .  ”

he’s slightly taken aback when she walks into the dorm, hoping this conversation wouldn’t last any longer than a few minutes and he get a bit more sleep. “ ah, right. how are you doing? ” he won’t ask because she didn’t specify and he thinks that could’ve been on purpose, even though she is laughing. he pulls out luna’s chair for her, in case she wants to sit, then realises she could’ve done that herself, so awkwardly sits himself down in his own.

“You don’t ever wonder about what you might like to do with all the money and time in the world?” Cole counters with more of a gentle tone than a defensive one, and he wonders if Tilly is the type of person to only ever consider practicality and sensibility. “I wouldn’t say obvious,” he says, and he means it, because her intellect might say otherwise. “The school does teach a lot of different avenues for pursuing espionage after all.”

“Well, if you ever did I’d be lined up to get my copy.” Miray tries to sound encouraging though it’s something she’s having trouble with lately. “Then it’s all focus on the medical field for you at the moment?” 

– “A DIFFERENT JOB?” SHE PRESSES HER LIPS TOGETHER FOR A MOMENT. “ sure, i mean, this specific mission wasn’t anything more to me than that…a mission, ” she shrugs her shoulders. it was something people told her that she was good at and she was then paid to do it. the chain of events was pretty simple. “ but, i think i would still like to work in the medical field in some way, whether that’s espionage or otherwise…though, sometimes i think i’d like to move to the middle of nowhere and just read books all day and write. i’m still figuring out what i’d really find fulfilling, i suppose, ” she presses her lips together in a tiny smile. she’ll hopefully get the chance to do so, so long as she’s not…thrown in some cell for who knows how long with cole. everything is so up in the air at the moment. “ all of us have basically quit at this point. we’re not receiving any support, and it’s at the point where we’re either turning ourselves in or walking, ” she doesn’t need to tell tilly the second portion, but she’s explaining that all of this doesn’t exactly leave her with a ton of options. “ considering cole was asking you a lot of questions, i…have to believe someone knew, my coworkers certainly knew that i was close with you, ” better safe than sorry, at least, but all of the agents know that she spent thanksgiving with irene because of her friendship with tilly – she told them as much. “ and i just assume that someone is always watching, ” a wry smile on her lips. if there are people always watching her, she’s just glad that one of them is tilly – it feels a little SAFER for some reason, not that tilly’s about to rescue her with a roundhouse kick, but there is a calming feeling knowing that someone cares. “ i’m definitely glad that’s true, ” she says. “ switzerland sounds nice. very under the radar, maybe there’s some mountain that will have me, ” it’s nice to dream, but it doesn’t really quell her nerves. because with a destination comes a JOURNEY and that’s the difficult part. “ i just don’t know is all that i’m saying. maybe…but i don’t think you should stay here for me, ” she says. “ i was never planning on staying very long. ” and now it’s pretty impossible. “ where did you want to go ? ” 

      “  𝚎𝚡𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐  𝚒𝚜  𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜  a  challenge  if  you’re  not  a  fan  of  it  ,  ”  she  muses  .  “  if  you  find  something  you  enjoy  or  trick  yourself  into  working  out  then  it’s  not  too  bad  .  ”  or  so  she’s  heard  from  some  friends  .  “  i  would  assume  it  eventually  becomes  second  nature  .  it  might  take  a  while  though  .  ”

“You’re right about that.” Miray has never seen a Lifetime movie so she doesn’t actually know what that means but she trusts Tilly’s opinion. “Do you think you’d ever write a book at all?” 

“Yes, but I’m not sure we ever knew how serious we were about that, or if it was just… pipe dreams, you know?” Cole finishes, knowing most things in his life are not certain, and all of them feel intangible to hold. He wears a small smile to hear her talk about continuing education somewhere after graduation, the thought sounding oddly appealing. “I think that’d be a good choice. I want to say it makes sense for you, but maybe I don’t know you well enough to decide that,” he chuckles.

– MAYBE TILLY DOESN’T SEE HERSELF AS AN ASSET, but eva still understands her value to a certain degree. not all of caledonia’s motives are clear, but she understands that they were looking for: 1) powerful spies with important history, of which tilly’s parents – both miles and irene – are of value. 2) new recruits, young agents that are full of promise and could be swayed to work for caledonia. she certainly thinks tilly is full of promise, and, well, would it have been that difficult to convince her to come back with her ? she’ll never know now. still, she knows mr. stewart chose tilly for good reason, she doesn’t think that’s changed, but of course tilly would undercut her own value. “ i could just as easily have a different job, ” eva shrugs, “ but i don’t think i could just as easily become a different person. so, that’s true. and, i don’t know, the way things are shaping up, i don’t really think i’ll have that job for that much longer. ” eva’s eyebrows rise slightly, “ i don’t think it’s exactly a secret to anyone that you’re important to me, people don’t need all the most intimate details about us to figure that out, ” she says, “ and…well, i think it’s safe to say that no secrets around here are as secret as we think they are. ” burn book, case in point. and the fact that christian had been apparently spying on her all semester while she had no idea, she doesn’t know how much he knows. eva would never give herself the luxury of assuming she was safe just because she was private about things, allowing herself to RELAX. “ that’s…well, that’s my plan right now, i think. i don’t really have much other choice, because i don’t think…i mean, you put things together, i don’t think it will take long for other people to as well, considering, ” thanks to cole’s lack of subtlety, basically. “ i just don’t know where i’d go yet, ” she sighs, leaning into tilly’s touch as her hand brushes across her cheek. eva thinks she should be allowed small comforts right now, and it’s nice, to feel like someone is looking out for her. she closes her eyes in a brief moment of weakness, allows herself to feel both terrified and comforted. she wants to be selfish, too, but she doesn’t feel like she deserves it, even this closeness feels cruel. “ i don’t know if it can be helped. ” 

– EVA DOESN’T REALLY KNOW WHAT SHE’S SUPPOSED TO SAY, and maybe there isn’t anything ; there’s nothing that makes this situation BETTER. after all, the fact of the matter stands that cole’s completely blown their cover ( over an attachment to someone else at gallagher, no less ) and she’s left trying to cover her own ass like this, but caledonia hasn’t given them any guidance and she has nowhere to run except for maybe as far and as fast as possible. after this conversation, carmichael will probably confront her to tell her that he’s also turning himself in and things will spiral from there because men are idiots. “ i didn’t. i mean, i guess when i learned who you were, i understood how it could be beneficial, but i didn’t even know that much when i sat next to you in class. i just saw that you were reading and you seemed like the only person in the room that i wanted to get to know, ” eva admits, tone matter-of-fact and earnest. she’s glad that tilly doesn’t ask for the details of her mission because it will only reveal how little eva actually knows, how quickly she accepted the job without knowing what she was really doing, motivated mainly by spite and the thirst to prove herself. neither have been satiated yet. “ i just…since there’s a lot i don’t know, i don’t know what sort of danger having a relationship that could be used against me could create. i’ve never had a friend like you before either, ” she knows it was something christian was wary of, and he seemed to know more about the mission than she did considering he was spying on her. tilly’s hand on hers is both a pain and a comfort, because it means so much to have someone that makes an attempt to see beyond all her walls, but it hurts because she doesn’t know what to do and she’s scared of losing it. “ i just don’t know what to do next. i obviously don’t…think i can hide forever at this rate, but i don’t want to be imprisoned with cole. i don’t think anyone else is going to understand all of this…or me…as well as you do. ” 

– CLAIRE’S NOT REALLY HARDWIRED TO THINK THE BEST OF PEOPLE, especially a stranger who’s been apparently lying to her friend, so she just presses her lips together and tries not to roll her eyes. “ i guess you’ll find out when you talk to her about it – i guess, if you can trust her to tell the truth about it then, i guess, but…i don’t know, i’d just be really wary. it sounds corny, but i don’t want you getting hurt ? you can call me for backup any time, i’ll kick ass, ” claire adds. tilly’s not naive to the world, but she seems sort of naive when it comes to…crushes and relationships and things, so claire can’t help but WORRY that tilly’s good nature is being taken advantage of in some way. and what if she were to confront this girl and she were to act out in some crazy way ? claire doesn’t know her all that well, so she’s uneasy. “ it sounds like you know all the warning signs and red flags anyway, i’m not telling you shit you don’t already know. you’re gonna do what you want anyway, i get that. i’d just feel like shit if i didn’t say it, ” she says. maybe all of this is nothing anyway, like some sort of miscommunication, but it’s weird. “ nah, it was cool. i know i’m not most people’s first choice for advice, so…thanks for talking to me about it, ” claire says. “ and still beaming about the fact that you aren’t straight, that made my week, actually. ”