elle

weeks ago i told my mother i concluded i was depressed. i don't necessarily feel this way, but the signs add up. everything i own is messy, i've been sleeping more, i have more thoughts of concern. i however am chilling.

i'm going to turn my phone off and play with what i have. i don't really know what happens next.

it's cyclic; i want something accomplished so i pick a date (usually the first), i scurry or stress, the deadline approaches, my demeanor becomes small and ashamed, i vow to get it done as soon as i can, then, to create urgency, i set another date. life of a real perfectionist.

there's probably something i can do it terms of breaking down tasks, but the core issue is deeper. when i put things in the context of fear and being afraid, i deny being cowardly, but that's part of the truth. it's small part. i'm still making out the rest.

fantasies of me being the finest never leave my bed spread. thoughts of more disconnect only come round with i'm triggered. retail therapy is over. work is never a first choice.

a responsibilities don't sound bad if it's one off. i just need to grow up. i can't believe i have to do that some more.

some anxiety lingers, however. i remove my phone from my right hand to wheck, slight shaking. salt helps.

the common issue is the same, my heels are dug. it is preferable for me to stay still, even after accounting for any lost opportunities. extending myself will benefit me in other areas, but overall i will occur a net loss, short term. i don't think i have to consider long term at this moment in time, considering the global state. i did that for years anyway.

guilt is there though. guilt and pressure. the is pressure from me loosing ground, i know i will be facing the wall to suffer sooner than later. i tried to verbalize the guilt i feel, but i realize it's illegitimate, so i will leave it here.

all of my desires require work. hours of tasks. that's really it, but that's plenty.

really it's not the investment, my whole operation used to be thankless, i'm used to being shafted. it's fucking frustration.

so much of it. the simplest of tasks can drive me up the fucking wall. i hate learning curves. i hate shit not coming out right the first time.

i understand this is my perfectionism speaking, but i didn't ask for perfect. i asked for right. so, something else must be talking.

ill say it's a reminder that i lack some competence, my inner child tantrums, then i boil.

but that's not it either.

there's never a wrong road for me, but detours bother me. why spend my time sifting through shams when piecing together the truth is work enough.

i am ready, ready for at least half a dozen of things, but maybe not for what i am supposed to be ready for; i am in a state of preparedness but maybe my context is incorrect, at least partially.

i won't have to get ready because i already am. but i have to align.

some of my desires come off superficial, superfluous, when considering the world around me. i know of one higher calling but i would like to post pone the responsibility.

but is that the truth? to serve? only serving? hedonism is the other trap. is that a trap? if i have to ask, probably. are traps definite? if caught in one, is it necessary for me to be consumed by it? i don't think so. the risks are definite, but are they to be feared?

i feel something like a rock.

now that i'm here, on third thought, it's just my anti depressants.

i looked up an ephemeris, checked pluto's placement for twentynineteen and twenty. the transit lightly coincides with me putting down my pen. my stars expect a transformation of how i communicate.

currently, i don't want to share, explain, defend, inform, express. it's all charades. maybe it's the characters, maybe it's the settings.

i don't think it's my ego.

it does feel naggingly non-temporary.

that said, some of the smallest details will be forgotten, or stored further than i can reach.

in regards to now, i have a genuine smile. i treat it with care, and i'd like it to stay.

given, i've deleted a couple sentences as i start, but i can already tell this is helping. i always backburn excercise, in all areas in my life, and i should stop.

there is a still to the world, i would be silly to try my hardest now. i can save it for later, like i always do, but i don't want anything to waste, or rot. i've become increasingly accepting of repurposing, or delaying. this acceptance has brought me peace. i am even happy. i just don't want to miss my boat. but even if i do, at least i am on land, for now.