tifforelie

Some thoughts from my journal.. . The process has shifted. I feel like I'm drifting out to sea — a drift that had always been sweet and exciting. I was once comfortable there, with my faded raft and weathered oars, but now it feels strange, and I can't tell if it's quite good or bad. My seat feels the same, the wind smells the same, even the rocking, reminding me that this ocean is not and will never be predictable, challenges me the same. But my paddles dip into the water on the left and right and won't steer me the same. My turns are out of sync. It's frustrating. The thrill of relying on skill and experience to navigate these waves has been dulled by the ache in my arms. I don't know if it's me, the paddles, the boat, or the water that's become foreign. It's a room with all the same furniture, but in a different house...one I feel guilty for not recognizing. I feel like if I give it enough time, these maneuvers will make sense again. Time. And I have to let that be. Patience. . The sun feels really good today and I miss him. 💛🌾☀️ #whywelove #whyweadventure . 📷 of @weekswayfaring + @4thebirds on the lake last season.

Part of me was afraid I wouldn't want to come back from Europe, but I actually got really homesick. There was a comfort that came from being immersed in unfamiliar places. Places with no memories attached. But I realized that the comfort I've gotten from confronting the places and things that were familiar - the ones I associated with "us", has offered me a different kind of comfort and healing. . I'm taking things step by step. Yesterday was a big day. I went to the bank and Baja Burrito, which required me to drive through the site of the accident, and paddle boarded at Percy Priest. Those were all places we went together. It was an exceptionally rough day and I needed to cry...a lot. But at the end of it, I feel like those places are cleaner now. Ready for new memories. . Being home has been really good. I still want the familiar places. Being away was beautiful in its own right, but being here, even though it hurts, gives me so much life. . #whywelove #whyweadventure . 📷 by @whereissionnie in our favorite alleyway in Gamla Stan "Old City" Stockholm

Thinking about wounds today. About how they change the way we talk to each other and move through relationships. They're such influencers when it comes to what we let the world see of us. We hide them because of it, associating them with weakness, failure, worthlessness, proof that we're not good enough. They're our most vulnerable place. . But when I think back on all the people who have truly impacted me throughout my life. The ones who have made me feel the most seen, the most loved, and the most hopeful...they were the ones who let me see their wounds without fear of what I might think, and looked at mine without judgement. They never told me they had it together. They shared brokenness, and not in a despairing way. It was their journey through healing, and they let me see it. It inspired my heart so deeply and offered me such relief to know that the goal was not being perfect and wound-free. The goal was humility. To see the beauty and depth that sharing wounds brings to relationships. The freedom it produces is incredible. How beautiful it is to say "Here's my injury, I want to heal", in front of someone, and then to watch it happen. . I want to get better at it. It's really scary, but I believe in how stunning we all are, as imperfect, precious humans. 💛🌾 . 📷 in Stockholm at @oaxenslip

Back home. . Resting and soaking up every beautiful, painful, healing thing that has happened these past few weeks. Cuddles with #beanthecat and hope songs on this guitar have eased me into being here when no one is around. 🐱 . I really missed this place. 💛🌾

The last few days in Stockholm have been beautiful. Here, we've found a restful routine as we prepare to head home later this week. Our day with @local_milk and @matthewlud was yet another profoundly healing monument for me. The more time I spend with these sweet friends, and the more they speak such life giving things over me, over my world, my heart, my future...the more I realize that it is one of the biggest foundations of my grieving process, to be so flooded with hope by these precious humans that I barely have a chance to consider a life less than that. And it is tempting at times to consider a life less than that. When pain swells, and confusion threatens everything I've ever known, these loving voices are a constant. They're the familiar ones, and they echo truths I hold, but don't always have the strength to recognize. . I've been humbled by all of your encouraging messages. I'm reading every last letter. I've been called strong and brave, but the truth is I never imagined I could get through something like this. I never imagined it until it happened, and all of a sudden I was surrounded and told I could do it. Over and over again. Then, nothing else made sense. I've been allowed to cry, to laugh, to rant, to over-share, go silent, ask questions, let this grieving thing do what it does, but ultimately decide that at the end of the day, I'm alive and my Healer is at work, tending to every detail of every moment of this season. Pain subsides, life does not. . I'm grateful, guys. That I can laugh really hard and be so in love with my friends and every heart that has sent a thought or prayer my way. Thank you a million times. . 📷 by my true friend @local_milk - I'm sure you're already following her, but if not, do it! Everything about her is stunning. I love you so much, Beth! . Favorite adventure boots of life by @peternappi 👈🏻 . Currently listening: Tennessee Whiskey / Chris Stapleton...because as beautiful as Europe is, we homesick. ☺️ @whereissionnie . Adventuring around on Snapchat if you wanna follow! 👻: tifforelie (at Snickarbacken)

From one of our favorite exploring days in Tallinn, Estonia. ❤️ . Our stay with @celebritycruises ended in Sweden this morning and we're so sad to say goodbye. But we're living in Stockholm until Thursday and can't wait to explore this city! . My beautiful friends @local_milk and @matthewlud just so happen to be here today too, so me and @whereissionnie will be meeting up with them for some food, coffee and exploring! I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving. This is going to be so good. . Any Stockholm recommendations are welcome! And if you're on Snapchat, I've been posting daily! 👻: tifforelie . #presidentscruise #whyweadventure

From one of our favorite exploring days in Tallinn, Estonia. ❤️ . Our stay with @celebritycruises ended in Sweden this morning and we're so sad to say goodbye. But we're living in Stockholm until Thursday and can't wait to explore this city! . My beautiful friends @local_milk and @matthewlud just so happen to be here today too, so me and @whereissionnie will be meeting up with them for some food, coffee and exploring! I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving. This is going to be so good. . Any Stockholm recommendations are welcome! And if you're on Snapchat, I've been posting daily! 👻: tifforelie . #presidentscruise #whyweadventure

It was one month ago today. 5/16/2016 . About 3 years ago, I was browsing Instagram and came across my dear friend @ruthielindsey’s account for the first time. There was a photo of her getting a feather tattooed on her forearm, and the caption told the story of a trip she took to LA during a really difficult time in her life. She had just finished sharing part of her story with some new friends when a beautiful white feather floated out of the sky and landed at her feet. She described how much that moment meant to her. “That feather represented a brand new future filled with hope, goodness and light. Life can be messy and feel incredibly broken and painful, but I want to always hold onto hope and sweet reminders, like that feather, of redemption and healing.” I e-mailed her immediately because of how much that encouraged my heart, and we’ve been sisters ever since. . The St. Petersburg Ballet was two nights ago. As we left the ship, a wave hit me hard. We were getting on the bus, and there wasn’t a private room for me to duck into, so I went to the very back corner, hid behind one of the seats and cried. Sionnie held my hand, and 2 of my beautiful new friends at @CelebrityCruises offered me their strength and encouragement. I took a deep breath, and we arrived. . I knew walking into that place would be the most difficult thing I’d do on this trip because Kappel was looking forward to it so much. Sionnie and I stood in line, inching our way towards the entrance. And what happened next almost knocked me over. My first glimpse inside Mariinsky Theater was of the huge screen that covers the stage. On that screen was a single white feather. It spanned the entire theater. . The peace that flooded my heart in that moment is indescribable. . I feel loved. I feel hope. I’m healing. . The ballet was everything Kappel dreamed it would be, and so much more than I hoped it could be. . 📷 by my love a week after we met. 💛🌾 #whywelove #whyweadventure #PresidentsCruise (at Saint Petersburg, Russia)

Tallinn was so beautiful. Every corner of the place was like this! I have a question for Estonians or anyone familiar with the culture...what are those goat puppet things about?? The ones with the humans inside?? I need to know......... . Today we're in Russia. We're going to see the St. Petersburg Ballet! Surreal. This whole thing is just surreal. 💛🌾 #babysteps . 📷 by @whereissionnie / @celebritycruises #PresidentsCruise #whyweadventure

You would have loved Estonia. . @ruthielindsey got me a golden necklace with a "K" on it, handmade by @considerthewldflwrs, and every time I think of you, I hold the tiny pendant between my fingers, close my eyes and play out vividly how we would have been here. . You're in my heart, Kappel. Always. Thank you for being the kind of best friend to me that, even though you're not next to me anymore, lets me know that this adventure is to be experienced fully. . I'm taking in every moment. I love you. 💛🌾 . #whywelove #whyweadventure . 📷 by @jessie_skipworth 💛

We're almost halfway through the cruise! We left Germany yesterday and today we're on the water. This whole experience has been incredible. I had honestly never considered going on a cruise before. Being stuck "inside the resort" for an entire trip seems like a strange concept when all you want to do is explore. But when @celebritycruises first invited Kappel and I on this trip, what really sold us was how much time they spend at the port cities. @whereissionnie and I have spent several days on land in North Holland and Denmark...literally only a couple of days at sea, and those were so restful. Having all that time to wander aimlessly, adventure, heal and rest without check-ins, hauling bags, etc...👌🏻✨ . It has been beautiful and humbling to realize this...we're here with our cameras, all of Kappel's film gear, and a task to communicate the beauty of this part of the world through photos and video...but no matter what we do, we can't quite capture these moments. There are smells and sounds I couldn't even begin to describe, accurately record or photograph. The feeling of sitting on a stoop in one of Copenhagen's quaint little squares with my journal, the sound of bicycle bells coming to life like fireflies all around me, the sun on my face at that perfect sunset angle that lasts about 3 hours, old buildings the colors of ocean and sunset, the scents of nearby cafes serving foods I've never tried before...it's frustrating to write about because I'm not even coming close to what it's really like! Nothing is the same as being here. . I can't wait to share what we're creating with you guys, but what I really want to say is I wish you were here. Tomorrow, Tallinn. 💛🌾 . I want to hear about your indescribable travel experiences! Share with me please!! #PresidentsCruise #wishyouwerehere #whyweadventure . 📷 during one of those moments in North Holland. ✨

You would have loved it here. I love you. I miss you. . Shot by @lyndachurilla outside @rolfanddaughters

It's our last day in Copenhagen and we're boarding the ship again at 4:30. It has been a dream to explore this place. The only things I already knew about it were that Steve Martin complained about flying relatives in from here in Father of the Bride, and that it's home to the best restaurant in the world. That was literally the extent of it for me. . @WhereIsSionnie and I disembarked with our new food & wine genius friends @anthonygiglio (hilarious human and incredible sommelier), @zachconfit (talent manager), @ChefCorneliusG (follow on Twitter, genius chef and prankster), @ldavidoiu (F&B director onboard)...[thank you @adieats and @celebritycruises team for the intro!!] and tasted just about everything we could. The restaurants and cafes here are magical. We are in such good company, so I know we're experiencing some exceptional stuff, but we're on foot and eating with locals. I love it. If you're following on Snapchat (👻: tifforelie), you can get somewhat of the gist, but man. I just wish you guys were here! . Still cant believe I'm wandering this part of the world. I'm taking moments to break down and process what all of this means right now. It's still surreal to me, but I'm allowing myself that. This may sound strange, but I don't want it to hurt less than it does because I love him so much and this is supposed to hurt, and it's supposed to take time. Does that make sense? But my legs still work and I'm going to use them every day. . Infinitely grateful to be here. Thank you so much for your continued kindness. I really love you guys! Next stop, Germany. . #PresidentsCruise #whywelove #whyweadventure (at Ved Stranden 10 Vinhandel & Bar)

We’re on the ocean now. We set sail from Amsterdam yesterday afternoon, and tomorrow we’re arriving in Denmark. . It’s my first time on a cruise ship, and I’m experiencing what has become the usual mix of feelings…excited to discover all these new things, heartbroken that he isn’t here, beyond grateful to have @whereissionnie with me, amazed that I get to be in this place, and humbled by the love and grace that has been shown to me by all of you, all of my friends, and the sweet @CelebrityCruises team I’ve gotten to know onboard. . I love when people ask me questions about him. When they’re open to learning about him from me. I got to share so much of his beautiful heart yesterday and I wasn’t expecting it to do me as much good as it did. We had a long dinner full of heart to hearts with the open sea gliding past our table window. I felt so free. Free to be exactly where I am. And afterwards, we danced. A lot. And we may or may not have Snapped some Nashville moves, inspired by the gals who made them famous..😂👌🏻 . Thank you Celebrity for, in spite of the risk, welcoming me to continue this campaign with Sionnie, and for the opportunity to move through healing in such a beautiful part of the world with you. 💛🌾 #PresidentsCruise #whywelove #whyweadventure . Shot on our last day in Leiden. I really fell in love with that city! And I do believe that little fluffin was #beanthecat incognito. 🐱

Having the chance to look your person in the eyes and watch what happens to their face when you say "I really, REALLY love you" is one of the most precious treasures in the world. It's so easy to take for granted. So easy to get hurt and hold back. Please don't. Say it and say it often. Say it every time they cross your mind. Holding back makes no sense when life is in front of you. Hold hands, hug, kiss, squeeze, let your heart for them be known no matter how scary it is. Even if it isn't returned fully. Love sustains. And there's nothing to regret about it. 💛🌾 #whywelove #whyweadventure . I am so grateful for every moment we got to celebrate each other. I love you sweetheart! . 📷 by @jessie_skipworth on our California trip a little over a year ago

Me and @whereissionnie landed in Amsterdam early yesterday morning. Being at the airport, on a plane, on a new adventure without him hurts. When I found this AirBnb a few months ago, I couldn't wait for him to see it in person. I loved finding places for us to stay and surprising him. I was as excited about this one as I was about the Airstream in Venice Beach last year. He would have loved it so much. . I'm learning how to have a new kind of adventure. I have to take moments often to let go of the ones I had with Kappel, cry it out, share it with my sweet friend, and make room for what's in front of me. Wow it's painful. But also beautiful. . We laughed a lot yesterday. After a 7 hour "nap", we rode bikes around the magical old city of Leiden (with about a thousand other people, they are all about bicycling here!), ate and drank on the canal, and rolled aimlessly through cobblestone streets marveling at how charmingly cramped everything was. I'm not used to things being this small, and this old! I love it. . I know I'll be imagining how Kappel would have taken it all in...probably for a really long time. I'm journaling to help process that part of all this, but I've been really surprised at how sadness and joy can exist at the same time here. One doesn't drown out the other, they seem to be friends. And that gives me peace. . We went to bed early, giggling because we decided to watch Twilight...one of my favorite comedies. ✨ . More soon...💛🌾 #whywelove #whyweadventure . [I started snapping again in case you're a snapper! 👻: tifforelie] (at Leiden, Netherlands)

We worked together on everything. He was my absolute partner on every project, adventure, idea, photoshoot, vlog, all of it. We were in the middle of a few projects when the accident happened, and the last thing I could fathom was sending emails letting people know I couldn't move forward. . About a week later, I had to make a decision. There were 2 things Kappel and I were supposed to shoot together. One was a backyard dinner for Pottery Barn, and the other was a Baltic Sea journey with Celebrity Cruises. The idea of shooting without him knocked the wind out of me, but the thought of quitting felt so wrong. I talked to some of my sweet friends about it, and one asked, "If you didn't go [to Europe], what would you do instead?" and I paused, imagining myself sitting at home walking out healing the best I could, but constantly thinking about where I would have been if I had more courage. They saw my face and said, "There's your answer..." . I knew in that moment I wasn't going to quit anything. I had so much love and support, I didn't *need* to quit anything. . This shot is from the Pottery Barn dinner. We did it. It happened on Tuesday and it was one of the most life giving and magical things that has happened yet. It felt wrong that he wasn't there..and it probably always will, and that's ok because I love him and we loved doing everything together. But hobbling into territory like this with a broken heart and realizing I can do it because of Grace and this beautiful community...gave me something new. It's a new kind of hope and freedom. . Tomorrow I leave for Europe. The cruise is happening. And my sweet sister @whereissionnie is coming with me. We're going to complete the video project together and do our best to create something that would have made Kappel proud. @belikethefox, @thetylerchase, @hellochriscole and @jor_by, some of Kappel's buddies and most inspiring fellow filmmakers, rallied to make sure me and Sionnie have everything we need to make this happen. They are heroes. . I anticipate healing every day we're there. In a place I've dreamed about for a long time, with one of my dearest. 💛🌾 #whywelove #whyweadventure . Thank you for praying. Truly.